Acheleus

Have I messed up my whole life by drinking? Why am I doing things I hate, that make me miserable? I feel so stupid and worthless all the time, I do not tell anyone how I really feel or think. I have never done one thing I wanted to do, I have wasted time trying to make people like me.

Hawkeye13

From what you've said on this list, you are still pretty young, are in the last semester of your MA, which presupposes you already have sucessfully completed a BA, and as of December you will no longer have to deal with the demands of your MA program. So you can choose to do something that you love pretty soon. That's exciting.

So I don't think you've messed up your whole life at all. Sounds like you've accomplished a lot. If you don't want to use those degrees but do something else, that's fine too. Just having credentials like that are very helpful in life since people are so often (unfairly to my mind) pre-judged by others by their level of completed education. So even if you go into something absolutely unrelated, you are ahead of the game.

You really need to get a handle on this beating yourself up thing. It is untrue and helps nothing. It is just your AV trying to trigger you to start drinking again like a spoiled child. Please see it for what it is and be responsible.

Yes, you may have depression and other social issues that need dealing with down the line. But right now you are trying to establish yourself in sobriety. As my grandmother used to say, "Don't borrow trouble". I just wish I had had the sense to quit the drinking as early as you have. I am almost fifty and really have wasted most of my adult life with booze. Lots of us have here, but I'm not dwelling on it or feeling sorry about it because the only thing I can really change for the better is the present moment and the future. Same for you.

I have 30 days sobar today after my relapse. I have learned so much from this site and the people here, but now I want to get on with the present moment and not think about drinking or not drinking all the time so I'm not going to be posting much anymore as I reengage in my "flesh life" more fully again. In fact, I hadn't planned to post anywhere else except the October class thread to say thank you but this cycle of unkindness to yourself rings a bell with me as I lived it myself for so long and it really fed into the drinking for me. Please learn to be friends with yourself and honor who you are--everyone else here does because we see you are a sensitive and kind person who has suffered and overcome much in your life. But you aren't a victim anymore--you call the shots for yourself and allowing this "poor me" persona to boss you around is not going to take you where I think you want to go. It took me down further in the bottle for years until I gave it the boot.

I really am happy how well you've done quitting drinking Acheleus, and I wish you all the happiness in the world. Staying quit will help everything else get better for you, but it may take some time with some ups and downs. Be patient and never give up.

Acheleus

Thank you. I will be glad to move on with my life.

ScottFromWI

No, you haven't messed up your whole life. And you tell us here how you feel and think on a pretty regular basis, which is good. You tell your therapist too I would assume, correct?

Regarding your last statement, what do you want to do? There is really nothing stopping you from doing anything except yourself and your self-pity. You are young, intelligent and sober to boot.

WhitePawn

Hey Ach,
I really can't say it any better than Hawkeye did, but no one is the exact person they wish they were (does that even make sense). If you see someone that you think is perfect--be assured that on the inside they are anything but. WE all start as children and we age to a time where we are the adult, but deep down we still have the insecurities of our youth and we don't always feel like what our perception of an adult should feel or be. This is really perfectly normal--I'm 58 and only in the last few years do I feel secure as an adult, and I'm retired.
Also, everyone has traits that are unique to them and has self doubts that are also unique. The key is focus on the positive traits and work to bring them out to your advantage--not to keep beating yourself up for perceived faults.
Good luck--but you really don't need it--just stay sober and I'm confident that over time most of your 'perceived' problems will take care of themselves.

Mizzuno

Acheleus- Your head really can do a number on you. These cyclic thoughts of complete self pity have got to be tiring. We all have gone through the ringer on here A. We all have done things in our life that we are not proud of, that may have set us back some, that do not make sense.
Your life is waiting for you to live it. Hopefully, you are practicing all of the techniques that your therapist has recommended. There is beauty in the world Acheleus. I hope that you will begin to see it.

Acheleus

I feel so tired. Today is 23 days and I feel like i just need to rest. I ran yesterday and ate healthy food. I will do the same today. I just wish I could feel like I fit in somewhere. Where is my enthusiasm? I just feel exhausted.

WhitePawn

Exercise, eat well, stay sober--(sounds like my mantra)! + TIME = FIT in more ways than you'll ever know.

jdooner

Umm, there are plenty of places you fit in. In fact there are daily meetings where many of these people go. For me I chose AA and its funny how you think your problems are so unique and they might seem that way in your current World but I am guessing many on this board and in a structured recovery program like AA share the exact same issues.

In fact the feelings you are describing are fairly common symptoms that often lead most people to drink. You are restless, irritable and discontent and it would appear (I am guessing) from your posts that these feelings are triggered by your resentment that you cannot fit in and be like others. Resentment is a big trigger and often disguised as many things.

Good luck. BTW _ I hit tow months this week and I noticed this weekend I was feeling these same issues. I went to a meeting last night and came away feeling much better. I am not sure what it is about getting a bunch of spiritual drunks together (perhaps its because we take comfort that we fit here) that all want to hear themselves talk but it works for me.

Nuudawn

AA, church or even a fitness club or sports group/center can provide community. I really think you need to seek out community. You spend too much time in your own head my friend. You need to find ways to get out of it.

Acheleus

Making plans for finding a group to join in town. There is no reason for me to hate myself. I am going to have to push myself into uncomfortable situations. I will go to the coffeeshop tonight and work on stuff. I think I only ever felt comfortable with a beer and cigarette, I could fit in, but I know it is all a lie. Going to eat.

least

You're not a failure, only isolate yourself too much. Try getting out more, how about volunteering somewhere? That would get you out of your own head and give you something worthwhile to do. And congrats on 23 days sober!!

HeadLump

Concentrate on the good stuff, Ach. There's plenty of it! And sincere congrats on 23 days

Acheleus

Well I tried to pursue something and I asked for a recommendation letter and the person refused, saying they couldn't be positive about me. Why do I have to get shot down every time I try to do something? I suck. I hate myself. Why can't I just succeed at something? Trying not to relapse so posting here, I just feel so worthless.

allihk

Don't feel worthless. Don't suck and don't hate yourself. Life is too short. Find something kind to say about yourself today and feel it. You have made 23 days which is amazing! What a great achievement. Make sure you are kind to yourself Acheleus. There are always other opportunities that will come. Start with a small goal. You can do it ! It's great you are posting here and not relapsing. You can do this. Imaging how great you will feel tomorrow by not drinking you will feel good about yourself. Hold onto that!

Find one little happy around you and let it make you smile. It can help.

Acheleus

It just sucks to be rejected so much. My girl left, her family, even my teachers don't like me. I am not going to drink, I will figure out something.

jdooner

Why don't you stop the pity party and find a group that will accept you without a letter of reccomendation? You just set yourself up for failure, I am guessing subconsciously, so you can hate yourself. This self loathing is not helpful and you will relapse as a result. Again this may be subconscious on your part too.

Have you tried an AA meeting? Your desire to stop drinking is all you need. You will be accepted and not judged immediately. Sorry if my post is blunt but it seems like you want everyone to tell you how your such a good person and I thought this might be more constructive.

Good luck!

allihk

Rejection does suck! I know that feeling oh too well. But the more you start to like yourself the more others will like you! That's what I have found. You will figure something out. One step at a time. Take care and find that happy!

Acheleus

Went for a run and long walk. Grad school is hard, but I can deal with one prof not wanting to write a letter. I just wish I knew what I was bad at in class or writing or whatever. I tried so hard in his class and it was all for nothing, so I do not know. I will ask other people, and even if they say no I will find others. I do not know who I am or what I want to do, so I will focus on staying sober and finishing school, and with time I can work toward things I want to do.

minouminou

Ach, while I agree with everyone here that all this negativity is your disease talking, I also want to acknowledge that your professor is an a@@hole. That's not an acceptable thing for her/him to do in a mentoring situation, which is what grad school is supposed to be. I got really f@@@ing beat up by a professor in grad school and it almost destroyed me -- and it was and is real, not some imagined resentment. Having feelings about it doesn't mean you have a victim complex or are setting yourself up for failure, it means you're human. But so, the hard thing is to let it go, and that's what you need to do. Do you want this jerk to have power over you, to rent space in your head free of charge (as they say in AA)? I really think you do not want that. Concentrate on the amazing thing you have done -- 23 days sober!!! -- and be that person, not the one some jerky professor thinks you are.