derts

A friend of mine in the program is in a friends wedding party,
And they want to go to Vegas for the bachelorette party,
She is scared to go but doesn't know what to do, her friend
will get very mad. What are some ideas of what she can say.
Money is not an issue since they are using the social money to
pay for the trip. Her friend knows she's an alcoholic but doesn't
Get it, thinks it's no big deal. Some advice would really help on
this one!

Thanks!

longbeachone

I can't go because if I do I might start drinking, be unable to stop, and consequently do no end of stupid, dangerous, embarrassing things that will get me, and probably the whole group of us, into a whole heap of trouble. Did you see "The Hangover"? Like that, without the jokes.

Still want me to come?

derts

Ya, that's a good way to put it, I also said that if she was to drink she probably would be a no show at the wedding, to use that as a reason

Lenina

I think your friend is right to be scared! I hope she can stand her ground and take care of herself. Can anyone in the group be a sober partner for her? I can tell you from my own experience, these "good times" are very boring and not fun for a person who is sober.

I would hope her friends love her enough to let be at peace and not force the issue. If they do, I would suggest they aren't really very good and loving friends.

Love from Lenina

lillyknitting

If she thinks she might drink, don't go. No way would I jeopardize my sobriety. If, on the other hand she is safe in the knowledge that she won't drink, then go and have an amazing fabulous time. I've been on a short break holiday to Spain with family and, as is quite usual the first night we were there a couple of peeps got drunk. The next day was a sorry sight to behold as they struggled through the day with terrible hangovers. Omg, that definitely would have been me. I could feel their pain lol.

ExWinoMom

Hmm. Can she set up a schedule of meetings there? Like even 3 a day? That way between meetings she can go hangout with the girls and then look forward to another meeting in a few hours? Otherwise if the bride gets angry at her for not going because she is scared she'll drink, is the bride a true friend?
A lot if us alcoholics are co-dependent and tend to let ourselves be controlled by others if we are controlling somebody in the meantime. Recovery also means true emotional independence and respecting peoples boundaries

Spinach

Interesting how close is the bride to be. If close shell understand, if not so, would she mind that much !
It's not really a place thats a haven for sobriety I wouldn't have thought.
Honesty and early warning would be the best , but if that doesn't work buy her a neck brace the week before and say you've been warned not to go. Then find a replacement.
Would honesty not work ? I know some people don't get it, but most would.
John.

Tang

Las Vegas is a rotten place to go if you are in early sobriety. I made this mistake, but had no choice because it was for business. If her friend knows she is in recovery, then as a friend she should understand why it is not a good thing for her to go.

MIRecovery

It is not that I don't want to go it is that I cannot go. Untreated alcoholism is progressive. it only ends in one of three ways. Either death, institutionalization, or incarceration. As much as I would love to go I will never put anything in front of my sobriety. If you are my friend please understand that alcohol is something that will kill me so I am NOT going.

Threshold

I would suggest she not go. Friend gets mad? She has the rest of her life to get over it, or to feel sorry for herself that someone she cares about didn't want to put her life in jeopardy for the sake of a party...hmmm.

Part of life is setting appropriate boundaries for ourselves and maintaining them. Part of addiction is caving whenever even the idea of something uncomfortable (like a not so happy friend) comes along.

I would support the friend in not going, since it sounds like she is unlikely to get any support in not drinking if she does attend.

In time, I hope the bride realizes that her wedding and life are not ruined because one person was unable to attend a bachorlette party and that her wedding day isn't the most important day of her life (let alone anyone else's) or the most important day of her marriage.

She'll come off the bridezilla adrenalin rush and the friendship is likely to be fine.

Mizzuno

I would say: "I am in Recovery. Las Vegas is not the place for anyone who is in the early stages of Recovery. My life depends on it. I appreciate your understanding with this situation. I will not be going, but I will be at the Wedding."
If this does not work, then I would question the friendship in general. Friendships are not a one way street.

ReadyAtLast

your friend should put her own needs first.The bride gets angry? That isthe bride's problem,not your friend's.

Other people don't 'get' it but that is not our problem. Your friend's sobriety needs to come first.

The bride has a wedding day,not a license to try and control everyone around her, getting angry at others and making them upset and miserable.

bigsombrero

Bingo. My thoughts exactly. I skipped 2 weddings for some of my best friends in early sobriety. I felt terrible - but there's no way I could have flown out for a weekend to hang with my old drinking pals.

We worry so much about letting others down....yet we neglect to think of how much damage we could do to ourselves.

AnvilheadII

how about "sorry, can't make it" and just leave it at that? why go into a speech? you were INVITED, that means you get to say YES or NO. if the bride is going to be mad, that is HER problem.

jdooner

Its a tough situation. I had to go to a work event, or at least I rationalized in early recovery that I had to attend the event in Singapore. I won't rehash as you can read my past posts if interested but it was actually very helpful. While it was tough, being able to come through that situation sober helped immensely. Also, I learned that what I used to think was fun was no longer fun for me - its funny how recovery ruins the ability to enjoy drinking again. Anyhow, I found the experience instrumental in my continued sobriety and growth so if your friend is serious about sobriety and thinks she can handle Las Vegas there is hope and benefits of getting through it. My guess based on the comments from the bride is your friend will not be much fun, as I was not (had to leave the clubs and bars behind).

One strategy that I had planned but never ended up doing it was to take Antebuse on the trip. This is in no way medical advice but Antebuse inhibits the ability for the body to process alcohol and you go straight into detox symptoms and can die. So its a big deterrent from drinking. My thought was to take when sober than know the potential of death if I did drink I would be able to say I can't due to medication I was on - I even made up a story about having Lyme disease and being on anitobiotics.

Like I said, I chose to go it without the Antebuse to prove to myself I had the strength and I did.

There are many great comments about why she should not go - I thought I would through a few suggestions if she does decide to go on how to make it through sober.

trudgingagain

I remember leaving my husband and my girls at my niece's bat mitzvah reception because I just couldn't do it....years ago when I got sober the 2nd time. I left the temple and went home while they went to the reception and stayed the night. I knew if I went that I might compromise my sobriety. I wasn't strong enough yet. When I first got sober, I would avoid those situations. Later in my sobriety, I was able to say, "I don't drink". Period. Had many people say, "At ALL????" , but, hey, by that time I was pretty comfortable in my own skin...and would just say, "No, not at all". Meetings are a good idea as well....being new in sobriety again, without the benefit of meetings where I live is tough....but when I used to be sober and travel, I would always "google" where the meetings were in town. Also, I always had a "drink" (soda w/lime) in my hand.