FaithNhope12

My husband has relapsed and was kicked out. After 6 days he called and said he wanted to go to a detox. Now I know a 5 day program isn't going to help an addict get recovery but I have to have some kind of hope and not nag him and let him find his own journey .. What I am having problems with is do I take him to court when he gets out? How so I react? If he says he needs money what do I do if he's supposedly trying to be clean with the 5 days of detox and then moving to a working sober house. I'm so confused on detachment and enabling. What specific behaviors are enabling and how do you detach without feeling horrible and guilty. I love my husband but I hate addiction. What did u do?? I'm so confused by this.

pravchaw

Was the rehab court mandated? Detox is better than no detox. I don't think you should be giving an addict any money. You know where its going to go. Can you provide some more detail on your situation.

overit263

I think that you are supposed to let go, but in a loving way towards yourself as well. To me that means you don't lose it on the addict, therefore you don't end up saying mean things (even if they are true or not)...you just let them go, and hopefully they seek recovery on their own. That means no money, and no entertaining any of the bs. Basically, don't do anything for him, do stuff for you and take the time to become a healthier person. Never, ever trust an addict though, unless they are wanting a ride to a rehab, just say no. Wait until he's had some clean time and proven that he is healthy for him then work on the two of you. We did that the first time, then it happened again, now we are divorcing. Set boundaries, and make sure you will follow through. You cannot be wishy washy with an addict. If you tell him you can deal with this no more than this time, mean it and do what you say you're going to do.

AnvilheadII

you could do nothing. and let him figure it out.

cynical one

Detaching is more a state of being than an act of doing/not doing. For me it’s a quiet knowing that others have their own path to follow, their own lessons to learn, and that they are more than capable of finding their way…as am I. It’s not attaching my emotions to others happiness or misery. It’s knowing that I can choose not to jump in and rescue or even react. It’s accepting others as they are, and letting go of resentments, fantasies, and expectations. It doesn’t mean that you have stopped caring. And, it doesn’t mean that you have to leave. Detaching is loving to others, and yourself.

Vale

Detachment is respect for the sovereign souls that they are.

Should the worst happen---- at least THEY knew they had YOUR
respect.....to the end.

FaithNhope12

Thank you all for the support and advice. The detox wasn't court mandated but he was kicked out of everywhere and had no where to go. He was living on the steers for a bit. I pray that this will be it but I know I can't let my guard down. No matter how much I want him to be better. I still can't seem to let go of him. I miss him a lot and I. Just want him to come back. I'm still figuring out myself and I'm hoping he figured this out and I can be strong enough to know how to detach with love and what is enabling and what isn't.

AnvilheadII

this was your life back in JULY:

My husband has now completed an impatient program and is going to a sober house and has to do outpatient and mandatory meetings. They said I could pick him up and drop him off for visits everyday and he has a curfew but I dunno what I should do so do I get him and let him use my car? I'm so confused... Don't know when to trust him again. Any suggestions anyone? Please help

what if anything has changed?

nothing YOU do is going to fix him. he's already been given enough slack, dontcha think? didn't he in April break into the house and take the keys and car? i'd say you've done ENOUGH. he's an adult right? technically a MAN? let him start acting like one.

KeepinItReal

If you feel that he's a danger to your health and well-being then file an order of protection. If you think that he shouldn't see his babies unsupervised then involve the courts and CPS.
What you can do to help him??? You can do nothing for him while he's in active addiction. A 5 day detox will on benefit him.. to feel better for a short while so he can start using again. It doesn't seem that he WANTS to get better. He WANTS you to support him.
He is a grown man with a serious addiction/disease.
You can find some long-term in patient facilities that are self funded (through social service or privately) There are many long-term programs that DO NOT cost money to you. He's an active heroin user (I know all about it, sadly)
You have been taking care of yourself and two twins alone! You can continue to do that. You don't need him... and it might not be easy.
There is no way to help him. You are not a treatment center, detox, rehab and YOU OWE HIM NOTHING!

FaithNhope12

My husbands DOC is not heroin. It's pain meds but I thought at times maybe he tried it but the DOC doesn't matter. The addiction is still the same. Thank you for shaking me and bringing me back to reality. I need that sometimes. I haven't let him see the kids unsupervised and he hasn't lived with me which had helped me but at times I still do get weak and I do get upset about the situation. After all I still do love the person he is without drugs. The drugs keep getting in the way and I question If I'm doing the right thing if I'm giving up or just giving up is giving it to God. Thank u for the help everyone

KeepinItReal

Your not alone.

Txhelp

detaching with love.....I see it as in a loving way saying "no" and staying out of their business.

For me, I gave my husband information and told him my boundaries. I am respectful, don't shame him and limit time on the phone. I do tell him I love him or miss him but really I do!

MiSoberbio

Maybe the most important key to detaching with love is finally giving it to God, or to put it in a different way, refraining from trying to control that which is outside of your control. Think about your own process of growth – besides your childhood, have you ever had or needed someone else to keep you wrapped in a protective cocoon because you are unable to deal with life? Probably not. But that is what is being expected of you in this dance you're in, and what you are willfully agreeing to do when you don't detach.

MiSoberbio

I wanna add something to clarify: I don't think detachment means that you don't help. It's all about boundaries and limits, and being aware of what is appropriate for you, and what is not. A lot of that awareness come from your gut, and only with time in recovery does one begin to listen and trust one's gut.

I struggled in my own recovery because it was necessary for me to cut contact with my companion (different story than yours, different circumstances), and for a while I felt so conflicted: I had turned my back on someone in such need of help… Were there not moments in my own life when I needed help? How could I be so heartless?… Well, that was MY illness trying to suck me back into the dance. Yes, there were many times in my life when I needed help, or a break, or an opportunity, and virtually every one of those times I took advantage of what was being offered to me and moved forward. That NEVER happened with my companion, in over 4 years of being together. The "superhuman" help that I provided (read: super co-dependent) was ALWAYS discarded; governmental help in the form of treatment was ALWAYS discarded; help from his family was ALWAYS discarded – I could go on and on. But the real eye opener was hearing the SAME stories in my Nar-Anon groups, and reading them here on SR. I began to understand that it was all beyond me, outside of my control, and that the only things I could (and should) control are my own actions.

Detaching with love is respecting oneself.

pravchaw

Detachment begins after Acceptance. Acceptance that our loved one has a brain disease and there is not much we can do except to put boundaries, not enable, look after our selves and encourage him to seek treatment. Acceptance is the final stage of the process of adjustment. It can a long while to reach this point, but you will in time. Once you do, in due course, you'll be able to see that everything in your life is different now, but life does go on.