jdooner

Coming up on 60 days next week. It honestly feels more like a few years crammed into two months.

I am off to a meeting tonight. I am finding myself becoming more tired and slipping into a clinical depression. I am having fantasies that are not right or normal. I have gone in an out a few times this week. I am definitely restless irritable and discontent and have had to use my network several times in the past couple days due to urges.

I don't want to take medication (I have taken Zoloft before) bc of how it numbs me to the World. I am seeing a Psychiatrist and will mention it to him next Thursday. I have read about PAWS but logically I don't understand why if I was consuming 3 liters of a depressant per week and now not why I would be feeling depressed now. I understand I may have been numbing the effects with the alcohol. The duration of the intervals between the highs and lows are becoming shorter and the lows are getting much deeper - this concerns me.

The fact I am writing here and going to a meeting and talking to my sponsor about these feelings is a positive but does not solve the problem either.

Anyhow, this post may be more for me to put something out there as a self therapy or if others can relate would be curious and helpful.

suki44883

I don't know how long you were drinking, but suffice it to say that it was long enough to kill a lot of brain cells. Quitting drinking is, obviously, a wonderful thing, but sometimes, we need a little help to get past the first year or so.

There is nothing wrong with taking an anti-depressant. There are so many of them out there, and it may take some time to find the right one for you, but I have been taking them for a few years now and they do not numb me at all. They just allow me to deal with the world like "normal" people do.

You may not need them long term, but many people find that they can help until your brain can fully recover from all the damage from the years of being drown in alcohol. After all, you can't really expect your brain to recover in 60 days. Just some food for thought.

least

I agree with finding an antiD that helps you get thru this period in your life. Why not give it a try? Couldn't hurt and might help.

Skye2

I agree re: anti-depressants being a good thing. Depression is bio-chemical not just 'all in the mind' and you need something to work on the chemical side of things whilst you deal with the rest. (Hope this is making sense, am fighting to keep my eyes open as it's gone midnight)

Also, we need to remind ourselves, that there ARE highs and lows in the 'normal' world People who have never had an addiction problem, have periods of feeling crap and tireness is a MAJOR factor in that, also stress. (Exercise is great for stress - I used to always go swimming and swim the stress away, before I got lazy and used the booze option).

Anyhow, am starting to ramble, to off to sleep

Amy X

Sally3127

I've been really struggling with my depression of late. It is really starting to concern me. I have made an appointment with a psychiatrist who I believe will help me more on the medication front as opposed,to my regular doc. I am almost 9 months sober and have suffered from depression most of my life. But the last few months have been rough. I'm lonely but when asked to do things I refuse. When I do go out I can't wait to get home. I can sit for hours in front of my t.v. Without the volume on. I've got a lot of stuff going on. Oh yeah, I don't like my job and I turn 61 next month. I have much to be grateful for but can't seem to find it. So, you are not alone. But I'm confident we will be okay and most importantly we will not drink.

jdooner

Thanks - I am an athlete and have a torn medial meniscus in my right knee. I am having surgery next month. I can only do some weight lifting and swimming. I swim during the week (in pool at 6AM tomorrow and can't wait). I agree and part of what I am feeling may be withdrawal from endorphins that I get from exercise and my sports.

It feels better to write about it. I will have a chat with my therapist later this week and discuss in group tonight at my 12 step AA meeting. Some of this may have been triggered by a function this weekend who knows.

Anna

Is it possible that you were depressed before you began drinking? That was my situation. The drinking did make the depression worsen, but when I tried to stop drinking, the depression was still there. My self-medication was no longer working. So, I had to find something that would work for me and it took several tries to find a medication that works and causes no side-effects.

I'm glad that you are aware your problem with depression is worsening and that you are seeking support.

alphaomega

Hiya buddy -

You have had a great run. Sounds like from your posts over the months, you have lived the life of Riley and have the battle scars to prove it.

Being that, you SHOULD be tired. You should be damn exhausted.

You have made a radical and complete lifestyle change. That is exhausting. And you've done it sober. Exhausting. You have been working on growing and changing and morphing into the man you have decided you want to be now. With those feelings and emotions come fatigue.

And, because everything you do, be it party or succeed (or recover) you put in 110 percent.

Sixty days is some good sober time. But it's still in its infancy. Perhaps you are mourning a lifestyle that part of you hated, but maybe a little bit adored too ? Hell, if I was living large in the fat crib like you were, and now I'm just a normal Joe, I'd be crying in my camomile also.

Cut yourself some slack Superman.

At the end of the day, you are just another human being.

And you have every reason and right to be exhausted and sad. As I have found out first hand, recovery isn't a straight line. It's Mulholland curvy, and jagged, and full of cliff and hairpin turns.

But eventually, if you just keep driving forward, you'll get there.

Be well my friend.

MemphisBlues

I think feeling depressed is very normal at 60 days sober. And I think a psychiatrist would jump at the chance to write a script for an antidepressant. That's what they get paid to do.

I wonder if a psychotherapist might be a safer route in early sobriety. Frankly, all a psychiatrist can do is give you a drug, and it's an educated guessing game on which drug to try and whether it will work and at what dose.

A psychotherapist versed in addiction, on the other hand, would give you coping mechanisms to work through your initial sobriety, just as there is benefit to peer support, 12-Step variety or not.

I also think feelings of loss and profound sadness are normal for early sobriety and while I am no doctor I judge from my 23 years on antidepressants that working out issues without medication has many benefits.

And antidepressants do have withdrawals, some bad, some not so bad.

We are not allowed to give medical advice here, and while many may chime in and say that antidepressants were a wonder drug for them, I would caution you that the virtues of therapy versus medication are often just as effective if not a safer route to pursue.

Many folks have found the antidepressant route a very sketchy if not dangerous way to go. It took me two years to safely taper and eliminate antidepressants and mood stabilizers from my life, and at six months off them on top of three years sober, I feel far better than I ever did on medication.

ACH32

I too was depressed around the 60 day mark (today is day 77). I am coming out of it and feeling better everyday. I'm sure it is just a phase of this rollercoaster ride we are on right now. I just keep thinking "it too shall pass". Hang in there and congrats on 60 days!

CaiHong

It's great that you do talk and post about your feelings,
I think you have a wonderful attitude. You could be right about the exercise. if I don't keep busy I can easily start to get very down. it's not just the mental distraction of being busy but actually physically moving around.
One thing I have started to notice over 2 years in recovery is that my moods are not so up and down as before. It does take time. f someone had told me it could take 2 years to get here I would have been quite discouraged but it did, it takes what it takes.
You will feel better.
caiHong

advbike

JD, I was going to ask if you were getting enough cardio. I find if I don't, the lack of endorphins really gets to me. There are also some foods that naturally help with serotonin production which can ease depression (or exacerbate it if not eating right).

Also, with regard to sobriety in general - for some of us once we remove the alcohol, we are left with... us! In my case I am left with an easily frustrated and fairly anxious person who can get into all kinds of weird, addictive patterns of behavior due to the anxiety and mental obsessions. And it always seems to build up after about 45-60 days. There have been several occasions in the past where I finally drank just to calm my other thinking patterns down. Going to meetings and talking to people helps get me out of my head but some of it always seems to be there. I'm trying to do more healthy things this time around, but the key is to really be aware of your feelings and thinking - which I commend you for.

Mountainmanbob

for some getting sober it just takes more time than we think it should

before

we become steady in mind, body and soul

this last time out for me - 6 years ago now
it took me longer than ever before to start feeling and thinking normal
four or five months if I remember correctly

hang in there - remember - anything is better than drinking

Mountainman

advbike

I saw some of the other very insightful posts and have to agree that some of it may well be a subconscious sense of sadness and perhaps grief over what you are giving up in order to live a more fulfilled and sober life. You have made a lot of changes! Over time as you begin to reap the clarity and rewards of your new life I would think those negative feelings will dissipate, but it's important nonetheless to acknowledge them.

jdooner

Thanks everyone for the sage advice and concerns. I just came from my meeting and feel a bit better. Its unreal how things work out but tonights step meeting was step #11 that we studied and I really found the meeting geared towards me (perhaps my ego) and related to many of the shares.

I have lots of baggage. I have lived a charmed and blessed life and there are parts of me that romance some of the stories. But I am working on honesty now and I was unhealthy, really unhealthy - I doubt I had another 5yrs on the path I was on. I was a lousy husband, could have been a better father and not a very good human. I have been successful in business but failed at being a person. As I near 40 years old I am looking forward to a more fulfilled life.

I really don't want to go down the path of ADs I don't want the side effects and am hopeful I can work through the tougher times by acknowledging and reaching out for help. I realize my problems are bigger than me so while the old me would just conquer these issues, I now realize I need the help and support of a network and power bigger than myself.

I have had lots of success early on - I think this is called the pink cloud. But some of this success maybe due to my willing things to occur. As I work my steps, I have not truly turned my life over, despite saying I have. There is that honesty thing again.

My Psychiatrist is actually a Psychologist that specializes in addiction - I looked at his card, so he can't prescribe an AD anyhow but that is not an issue for me.

I met a man tonight that has lost both his sons to this disease and is an alcoholic himself he has been tested and failed at times. He told me I might be too smart for this program (AA) to work. In other words, I cannot figure everything out and my pride and ego will be my challenge. He figured this out after a five minute share, which I did not go into all my issues in detail - good intuition. I feel he nailed it and was brought into my life tonight for a purpose.

Most of this post is for myself and to write this out but I also want to thank all of you for caring to post. Thanks.

sugarbear1

have you worked through those steps yet?

jdooner

I am on step #3, since I have not honestly gotten past this step.

YoungAndClean

It's not an easy step to get past. For me I spent more time on Step 3 than any of the other ones because I kept overcomplicating things. The bottom line was I had to look at my insane past and truly admit in my heart of hearts that I wasn't very good at managing my own life, and that I was willing to have help from a higher power. I now say the 3rd step prayer every morning because it is so essential to my daily sobriety. I already knew where my will took me.

ImperfectlyMe

Hey Jdooner my intentions are not to discount or refute anyone's success with psychotropic medications. This is purely my experience. I tend to air on the side of learning to feel and process my emotions with out a medical buffer. I think part of the human psyche is supposed to feel lows in order to feel highs. You've just come out of a pretty long run of a chemically charged lifestyle. The brain and nervous system are working overtime to rebuilt itself. You can expect grandiose highs and lows as all of your neurotransmitters work to fix the damage.

If it should become to much to handle, trying meds is not a bad idea. However at two months you might just want to give your body a little more time to heal. When I was at that point in my journey I defintely did not yet have a handle on my emotional swings. They were unpredictable and uncontrollable. But as I'm half way through my 6th month, I can tell you. IT GETS BETTER hang in there, you're doing great work!