Confused, hurt and more confused
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Lexington, Texas
Posts: 7
Confused, hurt and more confused
Let me start by saying this is new to me, I've been reading several diffrent post and searching the internet for some logic and reason.
I am living on a constant roller coaster of emotions with an AH. Last weekend was a breaking point so to say, after an all day and night drinking binge my AH came to me and said he needed help and couldn't drink anymore.!? I felt several diffrent emotions run through me all at once, I wanted to burst into tears with joy, excitement and the unknown.
With that being said this last week has been extremely frustrating and almost awkward. It's as if I'm married to someone I don't even know. He has shut down completely if he does say anything or do he does with anger and words cut deep. Last night I tried to approach him and ask what is going on and told him that if he wanted to talk I would listen, he stated that he was "bored" and miserable and wasn't sure that he wanted to stop drinking, his words where that if he's miserable what's the benefit of not drinking???
I'm lost, don't know what steps that I need to take to help him and myself push through this. Where to start, my head and heart are at war. I feel like we ( he) is headed for total destruction if he refuses to seek outside help.
Any thought, experiences would be greatly appreciated.
I am living on a constant roller coaster of emotions with an AH. Last weekend was a breaking point so to say, after an all day and night drinking binge my AH came to me and said he needed help and couldn't drink anymore.!? I felt several diffrent emotions run through me all at once, I wanted to burst into tears with joy, excitement and the unknown.
With that being said this last week has been extremely frustrating and almost awkward. It's as if I'm married to someone I don't even know. He has shut down completely if he does say anything or do he does with anger and words cut deep. Last night I tried to approach him and ask what is going on and told him that if he wanted to talk I would listen, he stated that he was "bored" and miserable and wasn't sure that he wanted to stop drinking, his words where that if he's miserable what's the benefit of not drinking???
I'm lost, don't know what steps that I need to take to help him and myself push through this. Where to start, my head and heart are at war. I feel like we ( he) is headed for total destruction if he refuses to seek outside help.
Any thought, experiences would be greatly appreciated.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by desire12 
I'm lost, don't know what steps that I need to take to help him and myself push through this. Where to start, my head and heart are at war. I feel like we ( he) is headed for total destruction if he refuses to seek outside help.
Any thought, experiences would be greatly appreciated.
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Kaleidoscope eyes
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: London
Posts: 5,243
Originally Posted by desire12
He feels that he can do it without AA, I will be attending the next Al Anon in my area. I know that if he doesn't seek help it's just a matter of time before he is drunk again.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
He's not ready. He has to be able to work with his miserable self to get to the good part of life without alcohol. He thinks the drink makes it all better but you can see through that. He can't... least not yet.
You... You need to look after you. I know it's hard not to look on his side of the street and be totally amazed but that's his side and this is yours. Nothing you say can or will stop him BUT you can do things for yourself to get through this.
Take care of you. The rest will fall into place. Stick around and check out AlAnon.
You... You need to look after you. I know it's hard not to look on his side of the street and be totally amazed but that's his side and this is yours. Nothing you say can or will stop him BUT you can do things for yourself to get through this.
Take care of you. The rest will fall into place. Stick around and check out AlAnon.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: RhodeIsland
Posts: 175
Originally Posted by desire12
LLast night I tried to approach him and ask what is going on and told him that if he wanted to talk I would listen, he stated that he was "bored" and miserable and wasn't sure that he wanted to stop drinking, his words where that if he's miserable what's the benefit of not drinking???
.
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He desires to drink - he desires intoxication - and he may desire it more than anything. His health, your dreams, your feelings, your future together, the peace and happiness in your life. It's not that these don't matter at all to the A - they just matter less than drinking. You did not cause it. He doesn't want the consequences of drinking, he doesn't intend to hurt you and make you sad - but it's possible it's a sacrifice hes willing to continue to make to drinking.
Benefits of sobriety for an alcoholic are clear. Life is precious- time IS precious - the evenings he spends drunk are evenings he's not present mentally as a partner. You cannot control it. We each receive 365 a year, and the years numbers are unknown - aside from being finite.
Only he can make that decision to stick with sobriety - and sacrifice his alcohol use instead of everything else. You cannot cure it. None of us can determine whether or not an A is at that point.
You are not alone. Please keep coming back, and I hope things improve
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
He's trying to justify jumping headfirst off the wagon. He's looking over the edge at the road paved with bottles and cans and is starting to salivate. What are you doing for yourself to provide self care? Nothing you can do about him.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 109
You've come to a great place to learn about alcoholism and how to get help for yourself.
In your post you wrote: "I'm lost, don't know what steps that I need to take to help him and myself push through this. Where to start, my head and heart are at war."
For me, reading and educating myself about alcoholism and addiction was the first step. The book "Under the Influence" explained the facts of alcoholism and showed me what living with with an alcoholic would be like as the disease progressed.
If an alcoholic is "white knuckling" sobriety (that is, abstaining from drinking but not "working a program" or getting outside help), being sober feels like losing a best friend or worse. That is likely what is behind your husband feeling bored and miserable. There is a psychological shift that happens when an addict is truly ready to embrace sobriety, and usually it's pretty obvious to everyone.
If you are living with an alcoholic then you are probably pretty tired and emotionally drained yourself. If there is anything you can do to take care of yourself, try to take some time for that. Shifting your focus back to yourself, your own needs, is so important. If he really is ready to get sober, and you are taking really good care of yourself, then when he is ready to start working on the marriage, you will be able to work on the marriage together in a truly healthy way.
In your post you wrote: "I'm lost, don't know what steps that I need to take to help him and myself push through this. Where to start, my head and heart are at war."
For me, reading and educating myself about alcoholism and addiction was the first step. The book "Under the Influence" explained the facts of alcoholism and showed me what living with with an alcoholic would be like as the disease progressed.
If an alcoholic is "white knuckling" sobriety (that is, abstaining from drinking but not "working a program" or getting outside help), being sober feels like losing a best friend or worse. That is likely what is behind your husband feeling bored and miserable. There is a psychological shift that happens when an addict is truly ready to embrace sobriety, and usually it's pretty obvious to everyone.
If you are living with an alcoholic then you are probably pretty tired and emotionally drained yourself. If there is anything you can do to take care of yourself, try to take some time for that. Shifting your focus back to yourself, your own needs, is so important. If he really is ready to get sober, and you are taking really good care of yourself, then when he is ready to start working on the marriage, you will be able to work on the marriage together in a truly healthy way.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Welcome to SR, desire12. I'd like to second what others have said about AA for him and Alanon for you. Again, as others have said, there are alternatives to AA for him. He can go to the Sober Recovery home page and scroll down until he comes to "Secular Connections: Alternatives to 12-step Programs."
This link might also be helpful for you: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
It seems that while some alcoholics do in fact get sober completely on their own, most do not. Some sort of program is necessary. The A can find a zillion and one excuses to NOT use a program--"It's too religious." "It's a cult." "I'm not like those other losers." "I don't want to sit around and moan about how bad my drinking was." On and on.
However, if he sincerely wants to get sober, he will be willing to try ANYTHING to get there. That willingness is the first step towards recovery. You are smart to realize that w/o some kind of support, he will almost certainly drink again. The drinking is as much a symptom of the disease as it is the disease itself. Until and unless he addresses these other issues, he will be, at best, a "dry drunk" like he is now.
Enough about him--I'm so glad to hear you're going to be going to Alanon. Between Alanon and SR, I have learned a lot and made some progress myself. Regardless of what my A does, I'm in a better place than I was.
Here are a few links to threads about Alanon, just in case you find your resolve to go wavering: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...nderstand.html and http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...elt-great.html
Again, welcome, and as others said, keep reading and educating yourself about what you're up against. With knowledge and support from SR and Alanon, you'll start to see where your path lies and you'll begin to feel you have the strength to follow it.
This link might also be helpful for you: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
It seems that while some alcoholics do in fact get sober completely on their own, most do not. Some sort of program is necessary. The A can find a zillion and one excuses to NOT use a program--"It's too religious." "It's a cult." "I'm not like those other losers." "I don't want to sit around and moan about how bad my drinking was." On and on.
However, if he sincerely wants to get sober, he will be willing to try ANYTHING to get there. That willingness is the first step towards recovery. You are smart to realize that w/o some kind of support, he will almost certainly drink again. The drinking is as much a symptom of the disease as it is the disease itself. Until and unless he addresses these other issues, he will be, at best, a "dry drunk" like he is now.
Enough about him--I'm so glad to hear you're going to be going to Alanon. Between Alanon and SR, I have learned a lot and made some progress myself. Regardless of what my A does, I'm in a better place than I was.
Here are a few links to threads about Alanon, just in case you find your resolve to go wavering: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...nderstand.html and http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...elt-great.html
Again, welcome, and as others said, keep reading and educating yourself about what you're up against. With knowledge and support from SR and Alanon, you'll start to see where your path lies and you'll begin to feel you have the strength to follow it.
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