jazzfish

I want off this rollercoaster. I am sick and tired of this stupid, endless cycle. The only thing that changes is that things get worse. At the same time, I am so frustrated, angry, and disappointed in myself, that I am afraid to say “this time will be different”, “here’s my plan”, “I can do this” or any of the other empty declarations that I have started my other numerous failed attempts with. It seems failure is inevitable.

I don’t know.

I want what you sober people have, but I just don’t know how to get there. Maybe I am hopeless. I did just pour the rest of the beer down the drain. Yay me.

LadyBlue0527

jazzfish, you can do this, you really can. The key is finding a way to make the words that you just typed hold their importance under any circumstance. Right now you're sick of it all and you know that every attempt to pick up again is going to have the same result. Each time will be progressively worse. The hard part is remembering all of that once the hangover is gone and it's time to drink again. That's when it all goes to you know what.

The point is that you're here and you recognize what you need to do. What's the plan the next time that beer looks good? You need to answer that question now and not then.

Again, you CAN do this!

TempeBrenn

Not hopeless. Hopeful and helpful. Keep posting here. You will find support and strength and experience.
Minute by minute, we can stop. Cause I want last night to be my last ride on the roller coaster too.

GroundhogDay

When I decided to quit almost six months ago, I also made the decision to never try to moderate my drinking. I am standing firm on that decision not to try to moderate, even though quitting drinking has been fairly easy for me, because of the experiences of everyone here on SR.

So, I have one question for you: were you trying to moderate?

jazzfish

Thank you! But this is a problem now. I've made plans before and they just slowly unravel. How to I keep a plan active in my brain. I started to make a plan and then just gave up. I have a journal of failed plans. I agree I need something in place, I just don't know what it is.

jazzfish

No. I wasn't really trying to do anything, except drink. Maybe just escape for a bit, or numb everything away.

SnoozyQ

No no no no , it's NOT inevitable . You are here Jazzfish and you know you want this ( sobriety) I've done and said all those things you said before ..i hear you , i really do .

But for me this time ...its different ...it's taken me a gazillion tries ....but its different .

There is sooooo much support here . I know you know that ...but honestly....if i can do this , you will too.

This place ( in my opinion) is your best chance. Stay close and keep posting

We get it . I hope you find your peace soon because that's what it is ...peace...no more torture .

Good luck , we are ALL here for you

afloatsober

I always found that i could stop when i came out of hospital, rehab, DUI x 3, divorce and so on....
Couldn't stay stopped.
One day i was told that the time would come when i simply wouldn't be able to stop again.
That, and coming within a few drinks of death helped me to stick to a recovery plan.
Rewards since then have been miraculous.
As D says........... Do you have a plan?
Forgive yourself and move on.
You are worth it.
G

Mentium

Perhaps you truly are powerless over alcohol. Some people really are. AA offers a solution if that is your starting point. Maybe worth a try?

Not pushing it, just suggesting something different. After all one definition of madness is trying the same thing over and over again and expecting different results..

happyhour

jazz, i woke up hundreds of times and declared "this is the day that i will slay the beast and triumph over it's dire consequences!!!" (sounds pretty valiant, eh?), then charged into the day clothed in my armored suit on my white horse ... only 8 hours later to dejectedly limp back into the stall, with my broken down nag in tow, and head straight to the fridge, to make it all go away ... meh. being sober is just a decision. and a damn good one, available to anyone who is willing and had enough of "trying to be the master of the universe".

LadyBlue0527

It's really hard in the beginning to see through to the clearing. That craving and need is so overwhelming sometimes. I hate saying this phrase because I understand that it's not as easy as not picking up that first drink but it really, really is all about that. What does make it easier is putting things between you and "it". You have to invent situations where you are doing something that you can't drink while doing. For the first two months of my sobriety I went to the movies every Friday night. No dinner out beforehand, just ate and went to the movies. Got out and then came home and posted on here. Went for a drive. Did anything I had to in order to stay away from it.

You have to want to be sober more than you want to drink. Point blank. You have to do whatever is necessary to not pick it up.

There is an extreme importance in recognizing when your plan is unraveling and actively doing something about it. Sitting and lamenting about not being able to drink is going to lead to drinking. You can talk yourself right into it and you already know that.

The only thing that I can offer is that in the beginning it really does suck. You get angry, irritated, and boo boo face. The thing that you have to hold onto is that those feelings don't last forever. In fact, if you busy yourself doing something it will go away. Every time that you do that it gets easier. In the beginning for me every weekend sucked and I couldn't wait for Monday to get here. That was a really depressing thought, hating weekends and looking forward to going back to work. It didn't take long though for me to recognize that getting up in the morning and not feeling like crap was awesome. Opening my eyes and not having to search my head for the events of the prior evening was a huge plus. Accountability! With each passing weekend it got easier. This is my 21st weekend sober and I can't tell you the last time I had a sucky weekend. I never want to go back to my life being ruled by alcohol.

There is another side but the road traveled to get there can be tough. You just have to be adamant about sticking it out to get to the point where you realize that you don't need to drink. That life really is so much better without alcohol. I am saying this and I can't tell you how much I used to live to drink. I would have never believed that I would be sitting where I am today.

You really CAN do this. You MUST want it though.

jazzfish

Thanks for all of these great replies.

I don't know what plan will work for good, but today I am not going to drink and I will keep reading SR today. That's it. Tomorrow, I will come back and see what to do then.

SnoozyQ

That's fantastic Jazzfish ...you have already started .

We cant look any further than today when we first start recovery , sometimes its hours minutes , even seconds .

I suppose that's why they say one day at a time ...maybe that's your plan ...the simplest most obvious one .

Good luck xx

LadyBlue0527

When you get an urge to drink have you ever said to yourself "I'm going to hold off drinking until tomorrow". I know, the age old "One day at a time". I did find that sometimes that helped me. In the midst of my urge I would think to myself "ok, enough, I'm going to drink tomorrow, not today, but I will do it tomorrow". However, when I made it through the urge and woke up the next morning I realized that it really wasn't that hard once I had bat the urge down by giving myself permission to drink the next day. The great part was is that I never did drink. I just said it to myself to remove the current situation. Then I repeated that when I needed to. I did whatever I needed to.

Hmmm, reverse lying perhaps? lol. Instead of talking myself into why I could drink at that moment I lied to myself that if I just held off for today that I could drink tomorrow. I didn't consider it a lie when I said it, it's just that when tomorrow came it wasn't as important to me because the urge had passed. Rinse and repeat..............

wiscsober

As if you need reminding but you yourself said
the basis of your recovery is to never pick up another drink....I will add
....don't drink even if your ass falls off....and if that happens
pick it up and carry it with you to a meeting
or sit it on a chair next to you while you are on SR...

and don't take yourself too seriously

You deserve recovery Jazzfish
always have appreciated your posts
Pulling for you...peace always.

IOAA2

Hi and hang in there. I as well as others have shown know how miserable this desire is to shake. Much good advise given and with me it was very difficult to grasp when the moment came to need it.
When I came to AA there was no internet or cell phones, how did we live? We went to a lot of flesh meetings where people also understood us and were helpful in a personal way with coffee time before and after the meetings and very helpful for me was to get involved. I used many of the suggestions seen here and probably my most helpful moment was being sick and tired of being sick and tired. I SURRENDED to the fact that I could not drink in safety one minute at a time. Many years later that fact is still there. BE WELL

GroundhogDay

Yes, I understand. I have occasionally wanted to escape using alcohol since becoming sober. I have learned to acknowledge the thought, but not allow myself to obsess over it. I was skeptical of my ability to "control" my thoughts at first, but I think it can work now. The key is to be aware that it is the addiction speaking to you. Try to separate your reasoning self from your addictive self. I hope that makes sense. I personally thought it was all nonsense at first, but I have come around after readings others' more enlightening postings on the subject.

dwtbd

Taking what grndhg said and expanding the op analogy. You keep buying the ticket and getting on line for the ride knowing it sucks, what is telling you that the ride is fun?

dwtbd

Perhaps not fun,but at least less discomforting? Whatever it is ,it's lieing.

Mizzuno

The only thing that you must do is make it through today. Let tomorrow take care of tomorrow. I do understand your struggle, and I have been there more times than I can count. Just for today, do not drink.