LoveMeNow

I don't want a partner who has an addiction.....in recovery or not.
I don't want a partner who can't have a drink or has to have one.
I don't want to excuse bad behavior because of addiction.
I don't want to hear about NA meetings or events.
I don't want anyone in my life that has or had a secret life.
I don't want to ever have talk or think about addiction daily.
I don't want to have a partner who has the ability to lie to my face...for whatever reason.
I don't want to live with someone who has proved to be untrustworthy.....for whatever reason.
I don't want to rebuild my life with anyone who has not always had MY best interest at heart.
I don't want to settle ever again.
I don't ever want to obsess about anyone ever again.
I don't want to put someone else's needs before my own repeatedly.
I don't want to live in fear, obligation and guilt.
I don't want to feel like I have to accept an insincere apology to avoid an argument.
I don't want a partner who doesn't cherish me and my love consistently.
I don't want to be embarrassed of my own choices ever again.
I don't ever want to be talked to in a disrespectful tone ever again....for any reason.
Lastly, I don't want to think something is normal that is actually anything but.


PS. I mean no disrespect to any RAs.

AnvilheadII

sometimes the way we discover what we WANT is to identify that which we do NOT want.....you have now given yourself a blueprint, a guide, to determining what you DO want your life to be. you get to create, color it, and decorate it in ways that make you divinely happy.

suki44883

Sounds like some good boundaries you're forming. Maybe you can change the "I don't want" to "I will not accept."

LoveMeNow

Thank you.

LoveMeNow

I don't want a partner who can't deal with real emotions.
I don't want a partner who can't live life on life's terms.
I don't want someone who needs to escape.
I don't want to ever to feel lonely, mistreated, unappreciated or 2nd to anything but God again.
I don't ever want to see my partner detoxing again.
I don't want a partner who needs to detox.
I don't want to live in hope, potential or what was.
I don't want to deny how I truly feel....to myself.
I don't want to feel unable to really express how I feel.
I don't want to express how I feel to someone who could care less.
I don't want a partner who admits that he had NO empathy.
I don't ever want to believe or pretend my partner loves me when he can't even love himself.
I don't ever want to believe or pretend my partner loves me when I know he has zero genuine emotions.
I don't want to relive the same old cycle....hoping this is the time he really gets it.
I don't want to keep a grown mans life manageable because of my own issues.
I don't want to give and not get back.
I don't want to keep praying for strength to leave my partner.

LoveMeNow

I don't want to ever be in love with someone who needs to change.
I don't want to ever try and change some again.

cynical one

Love suki's suggestion!

Now, form a plan, write it out <not to share here, but for yourself), and go for it.

PhotoArtist

LoveMeNow,

I think setting boundaries are great, everyone needs boundaries. But that is a very long list of qualities that you don't want in a partner. Honestly, I don't think there is one human being on this planet that would qualify. I know you have been hurt, very badly, just like many of us here at SR, but please don't allow that pain to ruin future friendships and/or romantic relationships. This is not my first rodeo with addiction. The last serious relationship I had was with an addict as well. It was 7 years of hell - emotional abuse, drug abuse, it was just abusive. He wore me down, made me feel worthless, and I got to a point where I had to get out. I did it out of fear, but at least I ended it. That was the best thing I have ever done.

For a while after I ended the relationship, I rejected every guy who took interest in me. I also had a list of things I would not accept in a romantic partner, and the list was probably longer than yours. Instead of getting to know someone, I dug into his past, and if he had, for example, ever cheated on someone, I told him to get lost. A lot of really great guys came along, but I pushed each one of them away because I had unrealistic expectations. No one is that perfect. Every human being has some type of flaw, or has done something in the past that he or she is not proud of, myself included. I didn't realize it at the time, but I had subconsciously convinced myself that every guy was JUST LIKE HIM.

I eventually got pretty lonely, so I would date someone for a short time, but never let him get too close. And then I'd find an excuse to break it off, even if everything was going well. I was terrified of getting close to someone, falling in love with someone, and then finding out he was an addict, or verbally abusive, or a thief, or a liar, or anything that reminded me of my ex. In attempts to protect myself, I created this "wall" which not only kept the bad feelings away, but the good ones as well. I was a cold, lonely, untrusting miserable person.

I just couldn't live like that anymore. I finally let someone in, let him get close to me and he saved my life (literally). I fell in love with him. I married him. And he is an addict. But he is NOTHING LIKE MY EX, nothing like that abusive piece of crap. And even if it doesn't work out between us, I DO NOT REGRET A MOMENT I HAVE SHARED WITH HIM. A lot of them were really, really bad, but a lot were really, really good too. I love him with all of my heart regardless of the mistakes he has made and the pain he has put me through.

I NEVER WANT TO BECOME THAT COLD, DETACHED, SHELL OF HUMAN BEING, EVER AGAIN. I won't allow myself to become that person. I would rather have my heart broken a thousand times then live like that again.

So, back to your list...I have lied to someone before, to protect him from being hurt. I need to escape from life sometimes. Most of the time, I can't deal with my emotions, so I bottle them up inside and hide from them. I have't always had my husband's best interests at heart, otherwise I wouldn't have enabled him for so long. I have disrespected my husband, insulted him, and made him feel worthless. I need to change a lot of things about myself. And although I have some of the "bad" qualities that you listed, I am a GOOD PERSON. I just make mistakes, a lot of them. Just like every other human being on this planet.

Learn how to BEND but not BREAK

cynical one

LMN, I must have a perfect husband cause he would meet every single one of the attributes that you want. Ohhh maybe we could become sister wives and get our own reality show. $chaching!

LoveMeNow

Lol...

Yeah, I didn't think my "expectations" were unrealistic.

I do know that I would rather be alone then with an addict and I am thinking that will include a RA as well.

PhotoArtist

I didn't mean that they were unrealistic in the sense that having high expectations are unrealistic. But in reality, no one is perfect. No one. And just because someone can't deal with his/her emotions doesn't mean that they are an addict. Also, if I have learned anything about being in a relationship with an addict is that I need to have MY BEST INTERESTS AT HEART, to take care of myself, and put myself first, always. To expect someone to always have your best interests at heart is unrealistic because it is unhealthy. It is codependence at its finest!

It just seems that you really don't want to be in a relationship with an ADDICT. I respect that.

But no one is perfect. Every person on this planet has made a mistake. Lots of people have difficulty expressing and dealing with their emotions. That is NORMAL.

I also didn't think that my opinion deserved to be laughed at. I guess I'm just one of those non perfect people with not so perfect comments and/or suggestions. But I like being not so perfect

PhotoArtist

So you are saying that your husband has never lied to you or never would lie to you for any reason whatsoever? Even if his intention was to protect you from being hurt by someone else?

And he always puts you first, always? Even if that means sacrificing his own happiness? And he always deals with his emotions? Are you sure he has never had difficulty dealing with an unpleasant emotion? Never?

Glad you found this one, absolutely perfect man. Too bad for the rest of us who missed out on Mr. Perfect.

LoveMeNow

I have laughing about Cynical Ones comment about sister wives.

Kindeyes

LMN
As you know, I was married to an addict many years ago. I am now married to a very strong, loving man (for 28 years). The difference is like night and day. I get what you're saying. I also went through a period of time after my divorce where I was very emotionally insulated and that wasn't good either (which I think is what PhotoArtist is saying). Luckily my dear husband was patient with me.

I found a man who was the opposite of everything my AXH was. He's not a perfect man.....but he's perfect for me.

You are always in my prayers.

gentle hugs
ke

sevenofnine

I kind of took the list tone more of an affirmation that Lmn is no longer willing to accept these qualities in her current partner, not as much a shopping list for future ones.

I agree that some of the list may be unattainable ( like not making embarrassing decisions--we are all fairly likely to embarrass ourselves at some point, just hopefully it's more to do with hairstyles or saying the wrong thing, not regretting a marriage). But even if the list is totally sky high, there isn't a real problem with it if Lmn is also perfectly happy alone. Maybe if she was lamenting loneliness or striking out in the dating scene I would have advice, but I think this is more about lessons learned than about future dating requirements.

BUT, I do hear what you are saying, photo. I do think that if we want to love and be loved, we have to risk hurt. So I appreciate your insight.

I myself have recently developed a similar list, and for me its about the pastt, not the future, so maybe I'm just not reading this objectively.

I do not want to date an addict or ra either. Hubby was an ra when I met him, and for me I just don't want to go there again. I'd rather be alone.

One thing on the list that I think is the most important improvement I have seen in LMN is the affirmation to never deny her own feelings again. That is really healthy, all about controlling herself not others, and really just great advice to take.

I think this list is not unattainable. It's not shallow either, like "I won't date anyone who is fat ugly or dresses poorly" it's about recognizing what she needs.

If I was going to suggest an alternate list, I would only suggest a list of our own behaviours not to accept, and what behaviours we do expect. Here's mine:

I will not lie
I will not have sex that I'm not wanting
I will not ignore my partner
I will be patient for my partner to share feelings
I will not wait for someone else to make me happy
I will not allow someone else's procrastination or depression to become mine
I will not let anyone dissuade me from what my heart knows is the truth
I will follow the advice of my heart and be true to it
I will be kind to my body
I will not allow one person to be my world
I will accept me emotions, allowing the negative ones
I will not expect perfection from anyone including me

Thanks for sharing, Lmn.

HealingWillCome

Amen, sister. This made me smile. This is the place I have finally reached. Such freedom!

Added bonus--when the right guy comes along, he'll get the healthy version of me.

Until then I am alone but not lonely. I'm creating, coloring, and decorating in ways that make me divinely happy.

MiSoberbio

Lately I'm dealing with the inventory of my own problems (although I am very happy to see LMN producing this list now). I now realize how often I ran away from healthy people because I felt intimidated by real intimacy (= truthfulness about my faults and my humanity), and my illness wasn't getting its fix. If I wasn't saving someone, then I felt worthless, and the self-hate led me down a road to disaster time and time again (not exclusively in terms of being in a relationship with someone.)

I hope that I've experienced enough and grown enough to be able to feel what is healthy and what is not, and I hope that spiritually I've matured enough to make choices based on that feeling. Healthy does not mean perfect – that's a trap I won't fall into again – but it does mean life-affirming, consistently kind interaction with others.

It's a cliche that I read here often – like attracts like – and I can't deny that I give it much more credence now. But (in my case) it has less to do with attraction and more to do with repulsion: I pushed away healthy people, or I involved myself in other unhealthy people/behaviors to the point that I never allowed anything BUT that in my life. I understand what LMN says about embarrassment, because when I look back it's all so clear and I feel so stupid. I know that everyone who loves me saw things clearly all along, and it took a while for me to let go of the shame of that.

But, that's why I say that they love me: they let me be who I am, or who I needed to be at the time, and continued to love me through it all.

Ann

I totally get what you are saying LMN and am cheering you on. I have been married for over 40 years to a man who would meet your requirements. Oh, he isn't perfect and neither am I, but the person he IS and the person I AM have always been on the same path and worked together always to sort out any differences along the way.

My mother had a wonderful marriage and was widowed young. She often said she would rather be happy alone than miserable in a marriage with the wrong man. And she lived her life fully and happily and surrounded by love from her family never requiring a man to "fulfill her happiness", she had that once and would never settle for less.

I don't hear bitterness in your affirmations. I hear a new resolve to take very good care of yourself and an acknowledgement that only you hold the key to your happiness, not anyone else.

You have worked hard to find closure to your marriage. I often say that by the time anyone leaves a marriage they are closing the door on an already empty room. Wonderful new beginnings await you, just up ahead around the corner where you can't quite see them just yet, but they are there just waiting for you to arrive...I promise.

Hugs

Vale

I WON'T let myself be abused ever again,NOR
will I allow this experience to turn me mean,
aloof,or suspicious of any kind gesture-----given
or received.

overit263

This made me think about how I used to cry in bed with my AH sleeping next to me. I don't ever want to have to do that again. I also want to only be with:
A loving man
A kind man
A man with no history of substance abuse
A man with no history of mental illness
the list could go on and on. One can wish!