The way I drink
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Ottawa, ON
Posts: 8
The way I drink
Hello all. First post here although I have been lurking for maybe a month, soaking up all the interesting advice and other posters' stories and experiences. I think this is the right place to post this but if not, please excuse.
I gots the problem, I know that, although I haven't mustered up the courage to plaster myself with the A-word. Not yet at any rate. Is alcohol ruining my life? Maybe not, but together me and the bottle are pointing me down the road to ruin. Would like to find an exit off that road before it's too late and I don't know how to do that.
My parents never touched a drop. My older sister never touched a drop. My older brothers drank at college and became more or less teetotal once they got their first jobs. Don't know where it came from but I have maybe 35 years' worth of pretty good boozing behind me, with the last 5 more and more often out of control.
So here's the lowdown. I say to myself that I'm going to stop after one or two, and, sure enough, I stop after one or two. Next time I take the top off a bottle, same thing. Ol' OttawaDry feels completely in control! This might happen six or eight times in a row. But you know what happens next time after that, don't you? I say to myself, OK, only one tonight, I need to be at my best tomorrow. Then I wake up on the couch with no idea how I landed there, sun streaming through the windows, dog howling to go out for his morning walk and my head splitting in two.
Tried to "analyze" the situations where this happens, and saying "I'll just learn my triggers and avoid them." Of course, there IS no particular trigger. May (or may not) happen when I'm feeling great or feeling blue, when I'm stressed from work or when I'm feeling super relaxed on vacation, when I'm sitting on the deck on a lovely summer evening or when I'm cooped up inside listening to the wind howl and the ice pellets drive against the windows on the darkest night in January, when I feel like a slob because I haven't exercised in weeks or when I have just notched a 10km personal best, when I'm alone watching TV late at night or when I'm out with the gang.
Come to think of it, the trigger is a pretty apt metaphor. And I been playing Russian roulette!
So, I guess I don't care if technically I am an alcoholic or a "mere" drunk. I want to stop. Full stop. Period. Not interested in trying to cut down because I know where that will lead - - to where I am now, unable to control it. Interested in stopping and nothing else. And I don't have any idea how to do it.
But this seems like a good place to start trying to learn. See you on the boards!
Cheerio!
I gots the problem, I know that, although I haven't mustered up the courage to plaster myself with the A-word. Not yet at any rate. Is alcohol ruining my life? Maybe not, but together me and the bottle are pointing me down the road to ruin. Would like to find an exit off that road before it's too late and I don't know how to do that.
My parents never touched a drop. My older sister never touched a drop. My older brothers drank at college and became more or less teetotal once they got their first jobs. Don't know where it came from but I have maybe 35 years' worth of pretty good boozing behind me, with the last 5 more and more often out of control.
So here's the lowdown. I say to myself that I'm going to stop after one or two, and, sure enough, I stop after one or two. Next time I take the top off a bottle, same thing. Ol' OttawaDry feels completely in control! This might happen six or eight times in a row. But you know what happens next time after that, don't you? I say to myself, OK, only one tonight, I need to be at my best tomorrow. Then I wake up on the couch with no idea how I landed there, sun streaming through the windows, dog howling to go out for his morning walk and my head splitting in two.
Tried to "analyze" the situations where this happens, and saying "I'll just learn my triggers and avoid them." Of course, there IS no particular trigger. May (or may not) happen when I'm feeling great or feeling blue, when I'm stressed from work or when I'm feeling super relaxed on vacation, when I'm sitting on the deck on a lovely summer evening or when I'm cooped up inside listening to the wind howl and the ice pellets drive against the windows on the darkest night in January, when I feel like a slob because I haven't exercised in weeks or when I have just notched a 10km personal best, when I'm alone watching TV late at night or when I'm out with the gang.
Come to think of it, the trigger is a pretty apt metaphor. And I been playing Russian roulette!
So, I guess I don't care if technically I am an alcoholic or a "mere" drunk. I want to stop. Full stop. Period. Not interested in trying to cut down because I know where that will lead - - to where I am now, unable to control it. Interested in stopping and nothing else. And I don't have any idea how to do it.
But this seems like a good place to start trying to learn. See you on the boards!
Cheerio!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,508
Welcome OttawaDry! We're so glad to have you join us. 
It think it'll really help to talk about what you're going through. It's good to have others who understand, like the 'normies' can't.
You're doing a great thing by admitting where drinking is taking you. I wish I'd heeded the warning signs many years ago. Instead, I kept trying to moderate - with disastrous results. My life was in chaos by the time I finally got it - I can't touch a drop. In the end, I never had a time when there was any control (the way you sometimes do). Every time I picked up it led me to a dangerous place. Glad to have you you here with us - congratulations on this life changing decision.
It think it'll really help to talk about what you're going through. It's good to have others who understand, like the 'normies' can't. You're doing a great thing by admitting where drinking is taking you. I wish I'd heeded the warning signs many years ago. Instead, I kept trying to moderate - with disastrous results. My life was in chaos by the time I finally got it - I can't touch a drop. In the end, I never had a time when there was any control (the way you sometimes do). Every time I picked up it led me to a dangerous place. Glad to have you you here with us - congratulations on this life changing decision.
Re-Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Colorado Springs, Colorado
Posts: 7,583
Good pun about triggers. Breathing was my trigger! I paced myself pretty well until the very last year when I had to drink shots in my morning coffee to stop the shakes every day.
You came to the right place. And you are right! It is slow suicide. I don't know why you and many others have an issue with calling yourself an alcoholic. I don't think too many eulogies started with "He drank himself to death, but at least he wasn't an alcoholic." or tombstones reading he drank his liver into cirrhosis, but at least he wasn't an alcoholic. When I first started my detox I called myself a high functioning alcoholic. What? Talk about a moronic oxymoron!
Anyway we all have been there, whatever you want to call "there."
I detoxed in hospital as I couldn't even get a morning sober for several years before I quit. I retired to drink all day two years before I quit. I was tired of waiting all day for that first drink.
I look forward to reading your posts.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Michigan
Posts: 164
I find it hard for me as well being the "Black Sheep" of the family. My parents and all of my aunts and uncles (big Irish family) are all social drinkers, seem like the merriest people of all when drinking. My brother doesn't drink at all, and my sister seems to drink just fine. Not to mention most of my family is successful.
Needless to say, it's pretty hard admitting that I am the one in the big family who has the problem.
Needless to say, it's pretty hard admitting that I am the one in the big family who has the problem.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Ottawa, ON
Posts: 8
Originally Posted by Itchy 
. . . When I first started my detox I called myself a high functioning alcoholic. What? Talk about a moronic oxymoron!
Well here I am saying it out loud! Dear company I work for: I am cheating you every time I collect my pay cheque.
OK, that was way more intense than I intended. Think I will retire to the front of the TV before I say anything else too revealing.
But ya know, somehow it feels good just to say those things which I have never ever even said to myself. It feels good - - but don't tell my boss! Let me tell him.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Southern U.S.
Posts: 1,030
Originally Posted by OttawaDry
Oh yeah, I know all about that "high functioning" lie we tell ourselves. There were days when I got a ton done at work, and other days when even though I wan't exactly hung over, in the dry-mouth-bloodshot-eyes-shaking-hands sense, I couldn't get anything done. Even though, on some level I knew - ahh, who am I kidding? - even though on some level I KNOW - why I was, er, why I am so unproductive, I can't even form the thought, let alone say it out loud.
Welcome!
Swashbuckler
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Nether-world (CA)
Posts: 205
Originally Posted by OttawaDry
Tried to "analyze" the situations where this happens, and saying "I'll just learn my triggers and avoid them." Of course, there IS no particular trigger. May (or may not) happen when I'm feeling great or feeling blue, when I'm stressed from work or when I'm feeling super relaxed on vacation, when I'm sitting on the deck on a lovely summer evening or when I'm cooped up inside listening to the wind howl and the ice pellets drive against the windows on the darkest night in January, when I feel like a slob because I haven't exercised in weeks or when I have just notched a 10km personal best, when I'm alone watching TV late at night or when I'm out with the gang.
Come to think of it, the trigger is a pretty apt metaphor. And I been playing Russian roulette!
Come to think of it, the trigger is a pretty apt metaphor. And I been playing Russian roulette!
While the latter might be seen as a disadvantage in this ridiculous society we've created for ourselves, the former would, for sure, come in handy to help you cope.
Welcome and good luck!
...
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: FL
Posts: 1,072
Welcome OttowaDry!
SR is a great place to vent, be honest. No one here will judge you. I lurked here for probably a year before Iactually felt comfortable posting.
I am coming up on two years sober...I couldnt have done it without SR.
I too am the only family member who cant drink normally. I have learned after some asking that their were alcoholics farther back than my grandparents...but I felt like the lone ranger until coming here.
Welcome!
SR is a great place to vent, be honest. No one here will judge you. I lurked here for probably a year before Iactually felt comfortable posting.
I am coming up on two years sober...I couldnt have done it without SR.
I too am the only family member who cant drink normally. I have learned after some asking that their were alcoholics farther back than my grandparents...but I felt like the lone ranger until coming here.
Welcome!
Waking Up Sober--priceless
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Southwest US
Posts: 88
Hey Ottawa,
My story is very similar to yours in the sense that I had so many rules for my drinking that on the outside it might appear I didn't have a problem. The problem was I had tried to quit dozens of times using just will power and I never made it beyond 10 days. I lurked around this site for a couple of months and learned about Rational Recovery and AVRT and now I'm on day 23--which is a 30 year record, and my confidence is higher than ever.
I think my profile still says High Functioning Drunk--but since I've been seeing things sober for 3 weeks, I might dispute the level :-)
Good luck and let us know how we can help.
My story is very similar to yours in the sense that I had so many rules for my drinking that on the outside it might appear I didn't have a problem. The problem was I had tried to quit dozens of times using just will power and I never made it beyond 10 days. I lurked around this site for a couple of months and learned about Rational Recovery and AVRT and now I'm on day 23--which is a 30 year record, and my confidence is higher than ever.
I think my profile still says High Functioning Drunk--but since I've been seeing things sober for 3 weeks, I might dispute the level :-)
Good luck and let us know how we can help.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Australia
Posts: 11,351
Ottawadry
What a fantastic post , i really enjoyed reading that .
It will probably resonate with most of us in here . You have articulated what a lot of people think , but don't say and Itchy an equally good response as are all the others.
Great thread , thank you :-) and also on your second post haha .....feels good doesn't it , I was so surprised at the things that i typed in the early days , which i would never have thought i would type , just kept flowing ....and that's what you do ...let it out , its sooo therapeutic
That's why this site is FANTASTIC . You can say whatever you are thinking and there is no comeback . ( To a degree of course lol ) We are not here to judge people if we don't like their thoughts & opinions .We all heal in different ways .
We are here to listen and have respect for and help each other . The majority of people in here understand that and you will get so much support
I love this place
We are all here for the same thing
HUGE WELCOME AND KEEP POSTING XX
What a fantastic post , i really enjoyed reading that .
It will probably resonate with most of us in here . You have articulated what a lot of people think , but don't say and Itchy an equally good response as are all the others.
Great thread , thank you :-) and also on your second post haha .....feels good doesn't it , I was so surprised at the things that i typed in the early days , which i would never have thought i would type , just kept flowing ....and that's what you do ...let it out , its sooo therapeutic
That's why this site is FANTASTIC . You can say whatever you are thinking and there is no comeback . ( To a degree of course lol ) We are not here to judge people if we don't like their thoughts & opinions .We all heal in different ways .
We are here to listen and have respect for and help each other . The majority of people in here understand that and you will get so much support
I love this place
We are all here for the same thing
HUGE WELCOME AND KEEP POSTING XX
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