First time poster . Need to vent .
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 8
First time poster . Need to vent .
I have been married to my wife for 30 yrs this past Sept . I would take a bullet for this woman any day of the week , if need be . But the last 12 years have been a dreadful experience for me . She has been an alcoholic for that amount of time . Over those years , I have watched her become something unrecognizable . Shes functions well at her job and is a great mom . But when she starts to drink , all hell breaks loose . Sometimes she'll go 4 or 5 days drinking her wine and without fail the night ends up in some sort of crazy brawl . Its gotten to the point where I'd rather not talk to her as past experiences has showed me that she literally takes things the wrong way . Any regular comment I can make will/could start her going . But I dont take it personally as she has really hated on alot of people in our lives . I notice that if she feels youve wronged her in any way , shape or form you will come under the attack . Unfortunatly for me , I am there all the time and get her abuse of the other people which will ALWAYS turn on me . The verbal abuse is relentless and sometimes has gotten physical on her end . Its really hurtful when you hear things from someone youve been with for a very long time . I know she has a problem and I want her to get help . There are those days when I know shes been drinking and the whole 1hr drive home from work is anticpating an arguement later that night ,literally . But heres the kicker . She doesnt need to be drunk to cause a scene . It takes one and only one and I see her personality/attitude change . But this girl never stops at 1 . In her mind its hardcore or nothing . Going out to a dinner or bowling is non-existant since it becomes about the drinking and not about the dinner or bowling . I cringe at the thought of any party , dinner , BBQ or holiday because the ride home becomes intolerable because of what someone may have said or done to annoy her since at this point shes drunk and the chip on her shoulder becomes my cross to bear . Believe it or not , my job has become my escape .
Sorry to have vented in such a long capacity on my very first post and thread .
Sorry to have vented in such a long capacity on my very first post and thread .
Not angry just direct
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: England
Posts: 257
Hey omfug, welcome to SR.
Apologise not, it wasn't that long or hard to read.
I don't have any piercing advice for you because I was the one who did similar bad things to my wife in my 14yr marriage (which is now at the divorce stage).
I can say now that the problem was mine and mine alone to deal with. I had to change, not to save our marriage, but just because I had to stop being such an angry ******** and taking it out on my loved one. That's wrong and it is abusive however it's framed.
I hear two terms a lot on this forum: "codependency" and "enabling". I don't fully understand the reasoning behind the terms yet but they seem to go hand-in-hand with abusive relationships every time I read about them.
You'll find a lot of good insight if you stick around as there are many people in your shoes or who once have been. Sometimes it helps to just vent.
I wish you well my man. That's all I got.
Originally Posted by omfug 
Sorry to have vented in such a long capacity on my very first post and thread .
I don't have any piercing advice for you because I was the one who did similar bad things to my wife in my 14yr marriage (which is now at the divorce stage).
I can say now that the problem was mine and mine alone to deal with. I had to change, not to save our marriage, but just because I had to stop being such an angry ******** and taking it out on my loved one. That's wrong and it is abusive however it's framed.
I hear two terms a lot on this forum: "codependency" and "enabling". I don't fully understand the reasoning behind the terms yet but they seem to go hand-in-hand with abusive relationships every time I read about them.
You'll find a lot of good insight if you stick around as there are many people in your shoes or who once have been. Sometimes it helps to just vent.
I wish you well my man. That's all I got.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by omfug
They are older . 23 , 18 , 15 . If you think about it , theyve seen thier mom drinking a good portion of thier lives . It makes me sick even thinking about it .
btw, Alateen can be helpful. My 11 year old daughter has benefited from it.
=============
Actually I was asking for you.
What are you thinking? 3 years when the 15 y.o. clears the launch window, you can be out, too?
Or you thinking about a salvage operation, or (please, no) going down with the ship?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 8
I would also like to add that this didnt come about until we moved to the suburbs where I have noticed alot of alcoholics and families with "non-structure" . We trully had a great life before we moved . It took about a year before this all came about . I wanted to move back to where we are from , but to her it was all about the party and there was no way she was going to give up on that . I even remember her stopping to hang with certain people because they werent "the party type" .
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 8
Originally Posted by Hammer
Kids are sharper than we tend to know.
btw, Alateen can be helpful. My 11 year old daughter has benefited from it.
=============
Actually I was asking for you.
What are you thinking? 3 years when the 15 y.o. clears the launch window, you can be out, too?
Or you thinking about a salvage operation, or (please, no) going down with the ship?
btw, Alateen can be helpful. My 11 year old daughter has benefited from it.
=============
Actually I was asking for you.
What are you thinking? 3 years when the 15 y.o. clears the launch window, you can be out, too?
Or you thinking about a salvage operation, or (please, no) going down with the ship?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 8
Originally Posted by Regretter
Hey omfug, welcome to SR.
Apologise not, it wasn't that long or hard to read.
I don't have any piercing advice for you because I was the one who did similar bad things to my wife in my 14yr marriage (which is now at the divorce stage).
I can say now that the problem was mine and mine alone to deal with. I had to change, not to save our marriage, but just because I had to stop being such an angry ******** and taking it out on my loved one. That's wrong and it is abusive however it's framed.
I hear two terms a lot on this forum: "codependency" and "enabling". I don't fully understand the reasoning behind the terms yet but they seem to go hand-in-hand with abusive relationships every time I read about them.
You'll find a lot of good insight if you stick around as there are many people in your shoes or who once have been. Sometimes it helps to just vent.
I wish you well my man. That's all I got.
Apologise not, it wasn't that long or hard to read.
I don't have any piercing advice for you because I was the one who did similar bad things to my wife in my 14yr marriage (which is now at the divorce stage).
I can say now that the problem was mine and mine alone to deal with. I had to change, not to save our marriage, but just because I had to stop being such an angry ******** and taking it out on my loved one. That's wrong and it is abusive however it's framed.
I hear two terms a lot on this forum: "codependency" and "enabling". I don't fully understand the reasoning behind the terms yet but they seem to go hand-in-hand with abusive relationships every time I read about them.
You'll find a lot of good insight if you stick around as there are many people in your shoes or who once have been. Sometimes it helps to just vent.
I wish you well my man. That's all I got.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Understood.
My sponsor has similar numbers. Met at 16, Married at 20, Together for decades. Last 34 years, he was in Alanon, and she was AA. She died this last year, and he is sort of just marking time, waiting to join her. Still useful in life, good with his grandkids, helps dopes like me -- but ready for what comes beyond.
I wanted what he had, so that was why I picked him as a sponsor.
BUT they were both actually sincerely working their program(s).
In the real here and now, guys like you and me have to face what we have in the real here and now.
Mrs. Hammer is in AA, but Dry Drunking it.
Mrs. omfug has not even hit AA, yet, right?
I really do understand the loyalty part. Really do. Probably the only reason I am still in it.
But you understand that we do not work their side of the street, right?
Often it takes some hard real world causes to get them in AA.
My sponsor has similar numbers. Met at 16, Married at 20, Together for decades. Last 34 years, he was in Alanon, and she was AA. She died this last year, and he is sort of just marking time, waiting to join her. Still useful in life, good with his grandkids, helps dopes like me -- but ready for what comes beyond.
I wanted what he had, so that was why I picked him as a sponsor.
BUT they were both actually sincerely working their program(s).
In the real here and now, guys like you and me have to face what we have in the real here and now.
Mrs. Hammer is in AA, but Dry Drunking it.
Mrs. omfug has not even hit AA, yet, right?
I really do understand the loyalty part. Really do. Probably the only reason I am still in it.
But you understand that we do not work their side of the street, right?
Often it takes some hard real world causes to get them in AA.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 8
Originally Posted by Hammer
Understood.
My sponsor has similar numbers. Met at 16, Married at 20, Together for decades. Last 34 years, he was in Alanon, and she was AA. She died this last year, and he is sort of just marking time, waiting to join her. Still useful in life, good with his grandkids, helps dopes like me -- but ready for what comes beyond.
I wanted what he had, so that was why I picked him as a sponsor.
BUT they were both actually sincerely working their program(s).
In the real here and now, guys like you and me have to face what we have in the real here and now.
Mrs. Hammer is in AA, but Dry Drunking it.
Mrs. omfug has not even hit AA, yet, right?
I really do understand the loyalty part. Really do. Probably the only reason I am still in it.
But you understand that we do not work their side of the street, right?
Often it takes some hard real world causes to get them in AA.
My sponsor has similar numbers. Met at 16, Married at 20, Together for decades. Last 34 years, he was in Alanon, and she was AA. She died this last year, and he is sort of just marking time, waiting to join her. Still useful in life, good with his grandkids, helps dopes like me -- but ready for what comes beyond.
I wanted what he had, so that was why I picked him as a sponsor.
BUT they were both actually sincerely working their program(s).
In the real here and now, guys like you and me have to face what we have in the real here and now.
Mrs. Hammer is in AA, but Dry Drunking it.
Mrs. omfug has not even hit AA, yet, right?
I really do understand the loyalty part. Really do. Probably the only reason I am still in it.
But you understand that we do not work their side of the street, right?
Often it takes some hard real world causes to get them in AA.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by omfug
AA hasnt even been mentioned . I'm still trying to gEt her to realise that she has a problem . Funny thing is that the day after the brawls , its my fault . She wont talk to me or is just cold towards me . See , my personality is that I am very easy going . I am more of a "whatever" person . I let stuff slide off my back to easily . nOT JUST HER , ANYBODY .
Mrs. Hammer's AA sponsor wanted me to do this Big Drama Secret Ambush Adventure Island Intervention type thing on Mrs. Hammer last Fall, and then bag-and-ship her to rehab.
I would not do that.
When it comes to being a Poop Throwing Monkey, Mrs. Hammer could be the lead monkey at the zoo. No way I was going step in the Poop Zone. And in full truth, I really respected her to much at the time to try to force her to rehab.
I told Mrs. Hammer trouble was coming, and she may wish to consider rehab.
So the sponsor went wiggy and threatened to fire her, and Mrs. Hammer went running around to all her friends explaining that she did not need to go to rehab. They all laughed at her and said Yes -- You Do Need to Go to Rehab.
Mrs. Hammer wigged out and started begging to go to rehab early. So she went. Been an On and Off nut case since. Been back about 10 months, now. That whole "respect thing" for her is now rather tarnished.
-----------------------
But you . . . you, my friend . . . YOUR adventure is Just Beginning.
My advice early on -- Know that YOU Will NOT Go Down With the Ship. The 15 year old still needs you -- sane and on top of your game.
You doing Alanon, yet?
I am about ready to head out for an evening meeting.
See you there?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 8
Originally Posted by Hammer
You and me both.
Mrs. Hammer's AA sponsor wanted me to do this Big Drama Secret Ambush Adventure Island Intervention type thing on Mrs. Hammer last Fall, and then bag-and-ship her to rehab.
I would not do that.
When it comes to being a Poop Throwing Monkey, Mrs. Hammer could be the lead monkey at the zoo. No way I was going step in the Poop Zone. And in full truth, I really respected her to much at the time to try to force her to rehab.
I told Mrs. Hammer trouble was coming, and she may wish to consider rehab.
So the sponsor went wiggy and threatened to fire her, and Mrs. Hammer went running around to all her friends explaining that she did not need to go to rehab. They all laughed at her and said Yes -- You Do Need to Go to Rehab.
Mrs. Hammer wigged out and started begging to go to rehab early. So she went. Been an On and Off nut case since. Been back about 10 months, now. That whole "respect thing" for her is now rather tarnished.
-----------------------
But you . . . you, my friend . . . YOUR adventure is Just Beginning.
My advice early on -- Know that YOU Will NOT Go Down With the Ship. The 15 year old still needs you -- sane and on top of your game.
You doing Alanon, yet?
I am about ready to head out for an evening meeting.
See you there?
Mrs. Hammer's AA sponsor wanted me to do this Big Drama Secret Ambush Adventure Island Intervention type thing on Mrs. Hammer last Fall, and then bag-and-ship her to rehab.
I would not do that.
When it comes to being a Poop Throwing Monkey, Mrs. Hammer could be the lead monkey at the zoo. No way I was going step in the Poop Zone. And in full truth, I really respected her to much at the time to try to force her to rehab.
I told Mrs. Hammer trouble was coming, and she may wish to consider rehab.
So the sponsor went wiggy and threatened to fire her, and Mrs. Hammer went running around to all her friends explaining that she did not need to go to rehab. They all laughed at her and said Yes -- You Do Need to Go to Rehab.
Mrs. Hammer wigged out and started begging to go to rehab early. So she went. Been an On and Off nut case since. Been back about 10 months, now. That whole "respect thing" for her is now rather tarnished.
-----------------------
But you . . . you, my friend . . . YOUR adventure is Just Beginning.
My advice early on -- Know that YOU Will NOT Go Down With the Ship. The 15 year old still needs you -- sane and on top of your game.
You doing Alanon, yet?
I am about ready to head out for an evening meeting.
See you there?
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by omfug
I even think to myself that I would make it up to him somehow or someway .
In life there is Talking Sh1t, and Doing Sh1t time.
Kids are in the Doing Sh1t genre.
Quit worrying about her, instead take care of you and the kids.
While I am so free with the advice -- Hammer -- Same for me, and double it.
Hey, omfug, I am off to Alanon. You know you should be, too, right?
Prayers for you, my brother.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 524
I felt like I was reading my own "first post". Which was only a few days ago, my husband entered rehab (alcohol/beer) on Oct 7th on his own. I have been married almost 7 years, and this is my husband you described. A great father, great employee and a great person, until he drinks, or over the last year, even when he doesn't. Out of the blue, it can be as simple as asking him to do something for me (while I'm cooking and a child has run off) - he will flip and somehow turn it him and me and attack and there have been a good handful of times he has smashed punched and destroyed things. I don't tell him about anything or anyone that "annoys" me (just social talk) because I know it will be thrown back at me in some crazy fashion, all twisted up and hurtful. I don't compliment anyone or anything in my life because that too will come at me completely twisted tangled and hurtful. And he doesn't stop either at one comment or a few sentences, he has to go full boar until he feels he has completely destroyed me. What I can say about him is when he is "not a monster" he is very expressive about his problems with alcohol and knows the damage it has caused which I used to be thankful for, then I cringed when said it and wanted to laugh right in his face when he would talk to me about his new resolve, but when rehab was suggested to him, he broke down and cried which I saw as tears of surrender and him finally giving up, giving up all of his ideas that he could quit drinking on his own (he had all kinds of plans put into place ..only six pack, only on the weekends, not during the week, not before 3, not at all) they never worked. I have some hope. I'm not in denial. I know anything can happen. I know I have my work to do, But I am hopeful. I do think if someone truly surrenders and takes the first step, and the spouse can work his or her program there can be hope. We'll see as it has only been about 2 weeks. I am pretty sure I can let go of the past and move forward PROVIDED he truly embraces recovery. I hope. I can relate to you and I"m glad you posted.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
Hey there and welcome.
Please try to get yourself and you children to Al anon, or some private counseling.
As crazy as this may sound, I think you have probably had some of the same brawls with your aw as I have had with my xabf.
The crazy making is vast. Please get educated about alcoholism, there is plenty of info here on the forum, you are in the middle of Hell heading down to the bottom with her.
Let her make the rest of the journey by herself, no good will come of going with her.
Take charge of your own healing, try to stop talking to her when she is drinking, I'd straight up tell you to kick her out, you can not help her, you can only help you and your children. The truth sucks.
Love to you Katie
Please try to get yourself and you children to Al anon, or some private counseling.
As crazy as this may sound, I think you have probably had some of the same brawls with your aw as I have had with my xabf.
The crazy making is vast. Please get educated about alcoholism, there is plenty of info here on the forum, you are in the middle of Hell heading down to the bottom with her.
Let her make the rest of the journey by herself, no good will come of going with her.
Take charge of your own healing, try to stop talking to her when she is drinking, I'd straight up tell you to kick her out, you can not help her, you can only help you and your children. The truth sucks.
Love to you Katie
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
I would take a bullet for this woman any day of the week , if need be . But the last 12 years have been a dreadful experience for me .
it sounds like you and the kids are already riddled with the bullet holes caused by living with active addiction. only she is the one firing the gun.
you can make changes now today - but not to fix her. to being the journey of healing for you and your kids.
it sounds like you and the kids are already riddled with the bullet holes caused by living with active addiction. only she is the one firing the gun.
you can make changes now today - but not to fix her. to being the journey of healing for you and your kids.
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