So this is my confession...I have an alcoholic mother
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Join Date: Oct 2013
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So this is my confession...I have an alcoholic mother
I'm new to this forum and I just need to get my story off my chest right now and maybe get some advice/insight into this situation I’m in since as long as I can remember. Please do not mind any spelling mistakes/grammatical errors, because English isn’t my mother tongue.
So where do I begin? It’s hard to find a starting point to my story so I guess I’ll just start by saying my mother is an alcoholic. Well I’m quite sure she is an alcoholic, because she drinks at least 1.5 bottles of wine everyday and she also secretly buys gin/vodka bottles and drinks them on top of that, thinking me and my father don’t know. My mother is the kind of verbal abusive, violent and aggressive type of drunk. My father has alcohol problems too, I could say he is an alcoholic too but he doesn’t get violent or anything. I feel he mainly drinks these days, because he can’t take it anymore with her.
Anyways, I’m an only child and I’m 26 years old now and still living at home unfortunately. I think I was about 8-9 years old when I first noticed/understood my mother’s behavior, because she wasn’t an alcoholic all her life. She started drinking when I was 6 years old maybe…one of her sisters taught her to drink…she told her a few glasses of whiskey is good for body pains or something. She didn’t drink that much in the beginning I think. But yes, as I grew up there were many fights at home between my parents. My dad barely talked back, it was always her who was verbally abusive using the most disgusting words to scold him and she also hit him with a wire and stuff in the past. She also pulled a knife on my father several times and also threatened to kill him. My father is really not a person who hits women, so he never hit her. My mother 99% of the time drags my dad and his family (mother+siblings) into her scolding like she says the most disgusting things to my dad about his mother, like she is a prostitute she needs sex 24/7 but in the most awful way. His mother is passed 90 years old now and still my mother scolds her and wishes she suffers and dies and stuff…apparently after my mother got married she and dad moved in with dad’s family and they treated her bad and “tortured” her she says. I used to believe it, but now I’m older I feel I can’t believe anything she says.
She used to scold me and hit me too…in our culture it is sort of accepted to hit your children, so there were times I felt like they both directed their frustrations at me and hit me for their personal problems. I had bruises on my arms and legs, but I only told my best friend and never told my teachers or anything because I was scared. Then as years passed, she used to scold me and tell me how I was changed at the hospital and that I’m not her child, that I was born to some homeless and disgusting person and that the doctor told her she would have a son and in the end she got a daughter and it’s just so suspicious and all and she needs to do to a blood test and that I’m not like her at all…that I’m awful etc. I got depressed and had many suicide thoughts throughout my teenage years…I used to cut myself and hurt myself on purpose too, because I couldn’t deal with my home situation anymore. She also pulled a knife on me and threatened to kill me and also once took a hammer and told me she is going to murder me.
After I turned 16 or so, she stopped physically hurting me because she knew I could call the cops or move out…well I felt like that. But the verbal abuse didn’t stop until one day I scolded her back and told her look at other mothers how they treat their children and you tell me I’m not your child etc. what kind of mother are you etc. she still uses those words at times against me. She says I said she is a wh*re mother and other mothers are better. But she doesn’t yell that much at me anymore. But almost everyday she starts a fight with my father though and she screams her lungs out so I hear everything though I’m not in the same room as her. She scolds him randomly though he did nothing and scolds and curses his whole family.
She also completely denies that she has alcohol problems and I once confronted her about her hiding alcohol…she started screaming hysterically and denied everything…I even told her where she hid the alcohol and I thought she would change her hiding place, but she didn’t, she still uses the same place. At times she doesn’t seem to remember what she said and did if she is sober after sleeping, but at times she seems like she knows everything she said/did but acts like she doesn’t know. My father said the same, that he feels like she doesn’t quite remember what she did when she was drunk. Because for example if she yelled at my father at night till 2am and the next morning she behaves normal and talks normal and sweet with him. But there are also some mornings, she doesn’t talk with me or my father for 2 days and then she starts talking with us herself.
When she is sober, she is usually nice and kind and also everyone like her boss and all don’t even know she drinks. Even other relatives, wouldn’t believe that she is like this. She behaves so nicely and sweet with them. If me and my father would tell her boss for example, he would probably think we are crazy. The thing is, she only drinks before lunch and before dinner. She works for 2 hours in the morning, so she is sober at work.
But there are also times when she is sober in the morning, but all of a sudden starts to yell at my father. She says her life is destroyed because of my father and she wants to murder him and go to jail, but when my father once said then get a divorce she totally ignored that and told him he should move out though it’s my father who pays the rent and bills…but she always scolds him that me and my father are living on her money. That we use her and are drinking her blood like leeches…other people would totally believe her and think it’s true, because of the way she says it.
She thinks she is perfect and she finds faults in people and scolds them afterward but not to their faces of course. For example if someone cooks something for us, she says she can cook it way better and starts bragging about herself afterwards. She also makes up stories about her past, like they lived in a villa and had a lot of money and all…but apparently none of that is true my father told me. They lived in a small house and had money problems and all. I don’t know what to think of her...at times I feel like I don’t know who my mother really is anymore…like it’s all lies.
I really don’t know what to do with her. I’m currently still trying to finish my studies and hopefully I will be able to move out after that and finally have some peace in my life. My father said he would leave her once I moved out. She denies she has a problem and says she wished she lived alone because then she would be happy. But she is the kind of person who stays home and never goes anywhere and she doesn’t make friends either. I’m sure she knows she can’t survive on her own if we leave her. I feel like she knows that too and that’s why she tries to get me on her side by talking bad about my father.
Because of my home situation I’m struggling hardly for years with my studies, because I have barely any peace at home or peace of mind to study proper. Somehow I’m hanging in there and managing, but at days like today it’s just too much to handle. I’m so tired of listening to her yelling, her cursing and the same old stories she brings up about dad and his family. I don’t know what to do…I feel helpless. I’m naturally a happy person, but it’s just so hard to keep myself positive and happy.
Sorry for the long post...I just needed to get it all out, because I barely tell people about this, because in the past I've tried telling people and they didn't believe me and judged me...because they have loving mothers whom they cherish and love like a god.
So where do I begin? It’s hard to find a starting point to my story so I guess I’ll just start by saying my mother is an alcoholic. Well I’m quite sure she is an alcoholic, because she drinks at least 1.5 bottles of wine everyday and she also secretly buys gin/vodka bottles and drinks them on top of that, thinking me and my father don’t know. My mother is the kind of verbal abusive, violent and aggressive type of drunk. My father has alcohol problems too, I could say he is an alcoholic too but he doesn’t get violent or anything. I feel he mainly drinks these days, because he can’t take it anymore with her.
Anyways, I’m an only child and I’m 26 years old now and still living at home unfortunately. I think I was about 8-9 years old when I first noticed/understood my mother’s behavior, because she wasn’t an alcoholic all her life. She started drinking when I was 6 years old maybe…one of her sisters taught her to drink…she told her a few glasses of whiskey is good for body pains or something. She didn’t drink that much in the beginning I think. But yes, as I grew up there were many fights at home between my parents. My dad barely talked back, it was always her who was verbally abusive using the most disgusting words to scold him and she also hit him with a wire and stuff in the past. She also pulled a knife on my father several times and also threatened to kill him. My father is really not a person who hits women, so he never hit her. My mother 99% of the time drags my dad and his family (mother+siblings) into her scolding like she says the most disgusting things to my dad about his mother, like she is a prostitute she needs sex 24/7 but in the most awful way. His mother is passed 90 years old now and still my mother scolds her and wishes she suffers and dies and stuff…apparently after my mother got married she and dad moved in with dad’s family and they treated her bad and “tortured” her she says. I used to believe it, but now I’m older I feel I can’t believe anything she says.
She used to scold me and hit me too…in our culture it is sort of accepted to hit your children, so there were times I felt like they both directed their frustrations at me and hit me for their personal problems. I had bruises on my arms and legs, but I only told my best friend and never told my teachers or anything because I was scared. Then as years passed, she used to scold me and tell me how I was changed at the hospital and that I’m not her child, that I was born to some homeless and disgusting person and that the doctor told her she would have a son and in the end she got a daughter and it’s just so suspicious and all and she needs to do to a blood test and that I’m not like her at all…that I’m awful etc. I got depressed and had many suicide thoughts throughout my teenage years…I used to cut myself and hurt myself on purpose too, because I couldn’t deal with my home situation anymore. She also pulled a knife on me and threatened to kill me and also once took a hammer and told me she is going to murder me.
After I turned 16 or so, she stopped physically hurting me because she knew I could call the cops or move out…well I felt like that. But the verbal abuse didn’t stop until one day I scolded her back and told her look at other mothers how they treat their children and you tell me I’m not your child etc. what kind of mother are you etc. she still uses those words at times against me. She says I said she is a wh*re mother and other mothers are better. But she doesn’t yell that much at me anymore. But almost everyday she starts a fight with my father though and she screams her lungs out so I hear everything though I’m not in the same room as her. She scolds him randomly though he did nothing and scolds and curses his whole family.
She also completely denies that she has alcohol problems and I once confronted her about her hiding alcohol…she started screaming hysterically and denied everything…I even told her where she hid the alcohol and I thought she would change her hiding place, but she didn’t, she still uses the same place. At times she doesn’t seem to remember what she said and did if she is sober after sleeping, but at times she seems like she knows everything she said/did but acts like she doesn’t know. My father said the same, that he feels like she doesn’t quite remember what she did when she was drunk. Because for example if she yelled at my father at night till 2am and the next morning she behaves normal and talks normal and sweet with him. But there are also some mornings, she doesn’t talk with me or my father for 2 days and then she starts talking with us herself.
When she is sober, she is usually nice and kind and also everyone like her boss and all don’t even know she drinks. Even other relatives, wouldn’t believe that she is like this. She behaves so nicely and sweet with them. If me and my father would tell her boss for example, he would probably think we are crazy. The thing is, she only drinks before lunch and before dinner. She works for 2 hours in the morning, so she is sober at work.
But there are also times when she is sober in the morning, but all of a sudden starts to yell at my father. She says her life is destroyed because of my father and she wants to murder him and go to jail, but when my father once said then get a divorce she totally ignored that and told him he should move out though it’s my father who pays the rent and bills…but she always scolds him that me and my father are living on her money. That we use her and are drinking her blood like leeches…other people would totally believe her and think it’s true, because of the way she says it.
She thinks she is perfect and she finds faults in people and scolds them afterward but not to their faces of course. For example if someone cooks something for us, she says she can cook it way better and starts bragging about herself afterwards. She also makes up stories about her past, like they lived in a villa and had a lot of money and all…but apparently none of that is true my father told me. They lived in a small house and had money problems and all. I don’t know what to think of her...at times I feel like I don’t know who my mother really is anymore…like it’s all lies.
I really don’t know what to do with her. I’m currently still trying to finish my studies and hopefully I will be able to move out after that and finally have some peace in my life. My father said he would leave her once I moved out. She denies she has a problem and says she wished she lived alone because then she would be happy. But she is the kind of person who stays home and never goes anywhere and she doesn’t make friends either. I’m sure she knows she can’t survive on her own if we leave her. I feel like she knows that too and that’s why she tries to get me on her side by talking bad about my father.
Because of my home situation I’m struggling hardly for years with my studies, because I have barely any peace at home or peace of mind to study proper. Somehow I’m hanging in there and managing, but at days like today it’s just too much to handle. I’m so tired of listening to her yelling, her cursing and the same old stories she brings up about dad and his family. I don’t know what to do…I feel helpless. I’m naturally a happy person, but it’s just so hard to keep myself positive and happy.
Sorry for the long post...I just needed to get it all out, because I barely tell people about this, because in the past I've tried telling people and they didn't believe me and judged me...because they have loving mothers whom they cherish and love like a god.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 13
Can you not talk your dad into getting you and him away from her? That is really the saddest story ever. You deserve better this is your life. I had to just let my mother go. I blocked all communication with her completely she is toxic. I'm happier. But your father has lived this and probably stayed for you. Help him get out too and write her off. When she's sober some day or finds faith in God then maybe but she's ruining the best years of your life. Unreal. I'm really sorry. 
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,437
Yes the best thing to do is to move out as soon as possible. Do you have any friends you could move in with while you finish school?
There really isn't much you can do while living at home except read here and become more informed. Do you have any AA meetings you can go to? Alanon is for family members of alcoholics. If you don't then read, read, read, and learn.
Your Mom is out of control and not a very nice person. She needs to hit bottom and see reality, but that might be a long time from now. My Dad was 80 before he stopped drinking.
Don't depend on your Dad to help you, he hasn't and he won't. He needs to be sober as much as your Mom needs to be sober. But that is their path, not yours.
Why? Because
You didn't cause their alcoholism
You can't control their alcoholism
You can't cure them of their alcoholism.
You need to take care of yourself FIRST. Then maybe go back and help if they want help and you have learned enough to help. But you can't help them until you are safe and happy. Be good to yourself. Read everything you can on our forum in the stickies above, there is very much information that can help you. Read our blogs, our life stories to see that you are not alone, we have experienced a lot of the same problems. God bless you.
There really isn't much you can do while living at home except read here and become more informed. Do you have any AA meetings you can go to? Alanon is for family members of alcoholics. If you don't then read, read, read, and learn.
Your Mom is out of control and not a very nice person. She needs to hit bottom and see reality, but that might be a long time from now. My Dad was 80 before he stopped drinking.
Don't depend on your Dad to help you, he hasn't and he won't. He needs to be sober as much as your Mom needs to be sober. But that is their path, not yours.
Why? Because
You didn't cause their alcoholism
You can't control their alcoholism
You can't cure them of their alcoholism.
You need to take care of yourself FIRST. Then maybe go back and help if they want help and you have learned enough to help. But you can't help them until you are safe and happy. Be good to yourself. Read everything you can on our forum in the stickies above, there is very much information that can help you. Read our blogs, our life stories to see that you are not alone, we have experienced a lot of the same problems. God bless you.
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
Welcome, lotus. Your mother sounds a lot like mine. It really presents like undiagnosed Borderline Personality Disorder that she's medicating with alcohol. I'm not a medical professional in any way, but this is simply an observation based on my own experience with a BPD parent. You deserve so much better than the life both of your parents have given you. Is there anywhere at all you can go to get out of the home? Cutting off all contact would probably benefit you greatly, but that is a very personal choice. I went No Contact with my mother over a year ago, and it was the best thing I've ever done for myself. Nobody here will tell you what you should do, but we will offer our Experience, Strength, and Hope to help you find your own way.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
hi Lotus, what a lovely name you've chosen! You've certainly had a lot put on your shoulders at a young age. You deserve credit for being able to study and make your way in that environment.
It sounds like your mother has a mental illness, along with her alcoholism. You are not going to be able to fix this. She is living with a husband who tolerates her behaviour and she has no incentive to change right now.
Can you turn the focus on your own survival? You may have resources you can call on like the Domestic Violence counselling service, or counselling at the college you attend. They may be able to help you with moving out into a quiet non-abusive environment.
I'm guessing you could have problems with cultural expectations. Is there anyone in your community you can talk to? Your mother may not be fooling everyone. She's going to be desperate to keep you at home, because most abusers fear people finding out. Put yourself first, but be ready for your mother's extreme reaction.
It sounds like your mother has a mental illness, along with her alcoholism. You are not going to be able to fix this. She is living with a husband who tolerates her behaviour and she has no incentive to change right now.
Can you turn the focus on your own survival? You may have resources you can call on like the Domestic Violence counselling service, or counselling at the college you attend. They may be able to help you with moving out into a quiet non-abusive environment.
I'm guessing you could have problems with cultural expectations. Is there anyone in your community you can talk to? Your mother may not be fooling everyone. She's going to be desperate to keep you at home, because most abusers fear people finding out. Put yourself first, but be ready for your mother's extreme reaction.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Back East
Posts: 704
With my Dad toward the end, I found it was better just to nod my head and not take issue with any of his rants. I'd just say, "Ya, I know what you mean... I don't know why they do that, it sure is stupid... it stinks, doesn't it? It's really a pain in the b*tt... what are they, nuts?... Some people never learn, do they? I hear ya..." etc. etc. Whether he was ranting about family members, politics, religion, people of other, um, ethnicities and stuff... I realized that who cared what he thought? It didn't make any difference what some old guy was mad at the world about -- if he was wrong, let him be wrong, why take issue with it? As he was not trying to impose a direct order on me, I just let him go on and on about whatever he wanted.
Come to think of it, that pretty much works with anyone, not just a crazy-ol' desiccated alcoholic control freak....
T
Come to think of it, that pretty much works with anyone, not just a crazy-ol' desiccated alcoholic control freak....
T
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 9
Thank you so much everyone for taking time to reply to my post and for all these kinds words.
Yesterday one of our neighbors called the police, because it was passed 10 pm and my mother was yelling at my father really loudly and she hit him with something too I think. Anyways, my father talked back this time and told her to get a divorce or leave us if she is so unhappy and she got angrier and angrier. She told my father that he should get out and he confronted her that he is paying the rent and bills, so she should get out. Because he confronted her, she yelled so loud. Then after she went out of his room and it was quiet for maybe 10 minutes and suddenly she came in my room and said someone called the police they are here, I told them you were sleeping so I got up and went to ask them what's up...they told me someone had called the police because of the noise or they thought someone was getting hurt or something. I told them my parents had a fight and the police officer blocked me off sort of by saying fights are normal we can't do anything about that, we just came to see if someone was hurt or if there is a dead body.
So they asked my parents id, noted the names and said they couldn't do anything and left. My father tried to tell them that she starts a fight everyday and yells everyday and stuff, but they didn't seem to be bothered. My mother was so calm and super duper sweet to them and they seemed to have sympathy with her...well I didn't expect anything less. She opened the door for them on their way out and I heard her whispering that my father drinks and fights and that's why she shouted back (lol!)
So afterwards, she told me and my father that the police were on her side and that they said my father is a drunk and the next time they will help her get him out of the house. She bragged about herself and this morning she told my father he should pack and get out, because she doesn't need him anymore the police said it's her house and they'll help her pay the rent and all and my father won't get any income anymore because he is a pensioner and they only pay him because he has a family. Then she said the government is on my side! That made me laugh, really. I told her straight to her face that she is one always yelling and fighting 24/7 but she ignored that of course and said your father drinks and that's why I yell. She was sober when I told her that, because it was in the morning. My father mainly drinks because he can't take it anymore with her. He quit drinking for 6 months or so and even during that time she was horrible to him so he started drinking again.
I don't blame myself for their drinking or their problems and I realize there isn't a lot I can do, especially for my mother. Do you guys think it's a good idea to keep confronting her like that? Or should I just keep quiet?
I'll get out of this situation as soon as I can...but I need to be financially stable for that and I doubt my father will actually take things into his own hands and get me and him out of the house...
So until then, I'll find some comfort and advice on this forum. Thanks a lot again for all your answers <3
Yesterday one of our neighbors called the police, because it was passed 10 pm and my mother was yelling at my father really loudly and she hit him with something too I think. Anyways, my father talked back this time and told her to get a divorce or leave us if she is so unhappy and she got angrier and angrier. She told my father that he should get out and he confronted her that he is paying the rent and bills, so she should get out. Because he confronted her, she yelled so loud. Then after she went out of his room and it was quiet for maybe 10 minutes and suddenly she came in my room and said someone called the police they are here, I told them you were sleeping so I got up and went to ask them what's up...they told me someone had called the police because of the noise or they thought someone was getting hurt or something. I told them my parents had a fight and the police officer blocked me off sort of by saying fights are normal we can't do anything about that, we just came to see if someone was hurt or if there is a dead body.
So they asked my parents id, noted the names and said they couldn't do anything and left. My father tried to tell them that she starts a fight everyday and yells everyday and stuff, but they didn't seem to be bothered. My mother was so calm and super duper sweet to them and they seemed to have sympathy with her...well I didn't expect anything less. She opened the door for them on their way out and I heard her whispering that my father drinks and fights and that's why she shouted back (lol!)
So afterwards, she told me and my father that the police were on her side and that they said my father is a drunk and the next time they will help her get him out of the house. She bragged about herself and this morning she told my father he should pack and get out, because she doesn't need him anymore the police said it's her house and they'll help her pay the rent and all and my father won't get any income anymore because he is a pensioner and they only pay him because he has a family. Then she said the government is on my side! That made me laugh, really. I told her straight to her face that she is one always yelling and fighting 24/7 but she ignored that of course and said your father drinks and that's why I yell. She was sober when I told her that, because it was in the morning. My father mainly drinks because he can't take it anymore with her. He quit drinking for 6 months or so and even during that time she was horrible to him so he started drinking again.
I don't blame myself for their drinking or their problems and I realize there isn't a lot I can do, especially for my mother. Do you guys think it's a good idea to keep confronting her like that? Or should I just keep quiet?
I'll get out of this situation as soon as I can...but I need to be financially stable for that and I doubt my father will actually take things into his own hands and get me and him out of the house...
So until then, I'll find some comfort and advice on this forum. Thanks a lot again for all your answers <3
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: northern ireland
Posts: 649
Hi im the daughter of two alcoholic parents both extreme in their behaviour Dad very quiet hid in corners and ranted when mum was in bed. Mum who lost her temper got mad but never physically hurt me.
Guess what I turned out to be?
A bad tempered alchi Ive only just seen the light no one could tell me because I NEW BETTER. I cleaned the house like a she devil so I could reward myself with drink I went to work so I could drink I was nice to everyone and had parties so I could drink.
Look after yourself .You are not responsible for your parents . Pray that they will see there problems before its to late .
Keeping posting WE CARE XX
Guess what I turned out to be?
A bad tempered alchi Ive only just seen the light no one could tell me because I NEW BETTER. I cleaned the house like a she devil so I could reward myself with drink I went to work so I could drink I was nice to everyone and had parties so I could drink.
Look after yourself .You are not responsible for your parents . Pray that they will see there problems before its to late .
Keeping posting WE CARE XX
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Lotus, is your mother a bully who will back down if you confront her? It's interesting that your father finally stood up for himself and answered back. Are the dynamics changing?
Look after yourself; only you can know the best way to handle things.
Look after yourself; only you can know the best way to handle things.
Kaleidoscope eyes
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: London
Posts: 5,243
It is interesting to read the children's perspective. My daughter wrote a short story about my shenanigans which was published and it broke my heart to read it. And she was just thirteen at the time but knew from a very young age that something wasn't right with me.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Scandinavia
Posts: 1,344
It is not easy to be a child of parents that have chosen the path of unhappiness and frustration, when you add drinking, violence, quarrel and constant strife – then it is almost unbearable.
You should be proud of yourself to react so balanced in your situation.
I do not know whether it is a good thing to confront your mother, she seems to be a little vindictive by nature.
I also suspecting that you are comming from a different familiy tradtion than I – things I would find natural to do would maybe not be acceptable in your situation.
I do hope you will be able to move out and find more serinity in your life soon.
You should be proud of yourself to react so balanced in your situation.
I do not know whether it is a good thing to confront your mother, she seems to be a little vindictive by nature.
I also suspecting that you are comming from a different familiy tradtion than I – things I would find natural to do would maybe not be acceptable in your situation.
I do hope you will be able to move out and find more serinity in your life soon.
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
You're just adding to the dysfunction and fueling the fire by getting involved in their shenanigans. No, you didn't cause it, but you aren't exactly helping matters, either. That was the hard part for me to accept. I wanted to blame everyone else for the chaos, but the truth was that I was a contributor to it. Let them deal with their own crap, but if the police come again and want your statement, TELL THE TRUTH. Covering up for either of them isn't helping any of you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 9
Originally Posted by FeelingGreat 
Hi Lotus, is your mother a bully who will back down if you confront her? It's interesting that your father finally stood up for himself and answered back. Are the dynamics changing?
Look after yourself; only you can know the best way to handle things.
Look after yourself; only you can know the best way to handle things.
I don't want to make things worse by speaking up for myself and for my father, that's what I'm still scared of.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 9
Originally Posted by soberhawk
It is not easy to be a child of parents that have chosen the path of unhappiness and frustration, when you add drinking, violence, quarrel and constant strife – then it is almost unbearable.
You should be proud of yourself to react so balanced in your situation.
I do not know whether it is a good thing to confront your mother, she seems to be a little vindictive by nature.
I also suspecting that you are comming from a different familiy tradtion than I – things I would find natural to do would maybe not be acceptable in your situation.
I do hope you will be able to move out and find more serinity in your life soon.
You should be proud of yourself to react so balanced in your situation.
I do not know whether it is a good thing to confront your mother, she seems to be a little vindictive by nature.
I also suspecting that you are comming from a different familiy tradtion than I – things I would find natural to do would maybe not be acceptable in your situation.
I do hope you will be able to move out and find more serinity in your life soon.
The families who live in Western countries are usually more tolerant with drinking/smoking, but the majority still sees this as a taboo for women.
Children shouldn't talk back to their parents is one main rule in our culture, but I guess it's a rule many cultures have in common. I've talked back to my parents since I've basically grown up in Europe. But yes, as a child I couldn't do that, since they would beat me. But now I can and I do, if I don't agree with things. But the thing is, that when my mother is drunk she scares me at times...like it's hard to predict if she really means it when she says I'll take an axe and kill you...because she doesn't seem to have control over her anger/rage.
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,437
Things are different in your country, our advice is from our view. We get out and find our own life as soon as we can.
I think you are being too easy with your Dad. He is as big as part of the problem as your Mom is. He is drinking and has never removed you from your bad Mom. He bears responsibility for your terror. It is hard to think like that, but it is true. Besides being an alcoholic himself he is enabling, (allowing, making it possible, permitting, giving permission, letting) her be cruel to you as a child and now. This is not right. It's not you two against her, your Dad is an adult not a child. If he hasn't removed you from harm then he is part of the problem. Do not move out with him, he will not be strong enough to stay away from her until he is sober for a longer time and committed to abstaining. I know this sounds a bit mean but it's the truth.
What would happen if you tell the police that she is the one that is causing all the fighting next time? Why are you not telling them? Would they be harder on her in your country or would they not believe you?
You never really know what she told the police, alcoholics lie. And you don't know for sure what they said to her unless you hear them say it yourself. Alcoholics lie.
I think you are being too easy with your Dad. He is as big as part of the problem as your Mom is. He is drinking and has never removed you from your bad Mom. He bears responsibility for your terror. It is hard to think like that, but it is true. Besides being an alcoholic himself he is enabling, (allowing, making it possible, permitting, giving permission, letting) her be cruel to you as a child and now. This is not right. It's not you two against her, your Dad is an adult not a child. If he hasn't removed you from harm then he is part of the problem. Do not move out with him, he will not be strong enough to stay away from her until he is sober for a longer time and committed to abstaining. I know this sounds a bit mean but it's the truth.
What would happen if you tell the police that she is the one that is causing all the fighting next time? Why are you not telling them? Would they be harder on her in your country or would they not believe you?
You never really know what she told the police, alcoholics lie. And you don't know for sure what they said to her unless you hear them say it yourself. Alcoholics lie.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Scandinavia
Posts: 1,344
Lotusdream,
I does sound rather terrible.
You have no other family you could live at while you finish your studies?
Do you discuss the situation with your father, or are you just all suffering individually?
I am rather impressed that you are able to study in your situation and write so balanced about your situation.
I does sound rather terrible.
You have no other family you could live at while you finish your studies?
Do you discuss the situation with your father, or are you just all suffering individually?
I am rather impressed that you are able to study in your situation and write so balanced about your situation.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 9
I don't want to move out with my father, I want to live alone. But for that I need to have money, which I don't have at the moment and that's why I'm trying to finish my studies so I'll at least have a more secure future...because I could of course quit my studies and get a random low paying job just to move out, but I don't really want that. But at times I wished I just did that, because then I would have been living on my own ages ago...I guess I'm scared and that's what withheld me from taking such a dramatic step. I feel insecure too if I'll be able to make it on my own, because I don't have relatives who live nearby or whom I can trust that they'll lend me a hand if I'm in trouble. My mother has done quite well in isolating our family from the outside world, as in a good contact with relatives or having other family friends is something that doesn't exist. She doesn't get a long with anyone in the long run.
I'm not scared of telling the police everything if they come again...it's just the officers who came last time weren't interested in anyone's story, they said fights happen and they could do nothing about it. That's why I felt like I can't tell them anything.
I do not have anyone with whom I could live for a while and finish my studies and yes me and my father talk to each other about my mother and all...we are each other's comfort. I also tell my two best friends, they basically know everything. But one lives in another country and the other one is married and has her own obligations.
I know I'm a strong willed person, but at the same time I'm very insecure and scared...my grades are sometimes high and sometimes I pass with half of the marks and sometimes I simply fail the subject. It all depends on my home situation at that moment. I loved writing since I was a kind, because that was my way of letting my anger and sadness out...I used to write poems and stuff, so that's why I'm way better in expressing my feelings in writing than in speaking.
I'm not scared of telling the police everything if they come again...it's just the officers who came last time weren't interested in anyone's story, they said fights happen and they could do nothing about it. That's why I felt like I can't tell them anything.
I do not have anyone with whom I could live for a while and finish my studies and yes me and my father talk to each other about my mother and all...we are each other's comfort. I also tell my two best friends, they basically know everything. But one lives in another country and the other one is married and has her own obligations.
I know I'm a strong willed person, but at the same time I'm very insecure and scared...my grades are sometimes high and sometimes I pass with half of the marks and sometimes I simply fail the subject. It all depends on my home situation at that moment. I loved writing since I was a kind, because that was my way of letting my anger and sadness out...I used to write poems and stuff, so that's why I'm way better in expressing my feelings in writing than in speaking.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,437
I understand.
I had no relatives to help me either. But I still left and found 3 roommates to live with.
What I don't understand is thinking your father is your comfort. He is part of the problem. He should have removed you from your mother's abuse. But he never did.
I had no relatives to help me either. But I still left and found 3 roommates to live with.
What I don't understand is thinking your father is your comfort. He is part of the problem. He should have removed you from your mother's abuse. But he never did.
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