jfun1234

Hi. I am so fed up with my family. I know I don't have it as bad as A LOT of people but I am still so frustrated. My dad has been addicted to crack for 10+ years and went to rehab for the first time last year. When he went to rehab he came out to everyone and told us he is addicted to crack. My mom was in shock. She would much prefer being in denial then knowing the truth. For the last year my dad has been going to NA meeting and trying to stay sober but he goes on benders a few time a month where he stays out all night. At those times, my mom calls me scared, angry etc. I am constantly put in the middle of the situation. My dad has been able to keep his job, who knows how, for the past 20+ years and has used his income to pay for his habit (while also taking out thousands of dollars in credit card debt, refinancing the house and using my mom's salary on drugs). I just had a baby a year ago and got married. I also got my masters and am starting a new career. I don't know how to handle my mom trying to drag me into the middle of the situation with my dad. I helped urged her to see a lawyer so that she can save some of the retirement money from my dad's reach (he has recently been dipping away into it) and got her to see a psychologist (which she goes to twice a week). I am just so tired of the cycle. Sorry for the looong post.

interrupted

It's incredibly hard to watch the people we love lose themselves to addiction. And I don't just mean the addict themselves - like you, in my case my mother is also completely consumed by my sister's addiction. My sister steals from her and lies, my mother is constantly worried about where she is and what she's doing. She used to call me and I would get caught in the middle of their chaos, but I finally had to distance myself from them both.

Just like you can't save your dad from crack, you can't save your mom from your dad. She has to hit her bottom just like he does - and there's no telling when that will happen. It's okay to not always respond to her "emergency" calls, it's okay to put some distance between you. In fact, it's healthy. I had to do the same thing. I had to extricate myself from their enmeshed drama.

You sound like you have a healthy, happy family that you're building and you're achieving goals to help you continue on a great path - that's exactly what you should be focusing on: yourself, your baby, your healthy relationships. Hopefully in time your mother will gain the strength to save herself, but your happiness and health don't have to be dependent on her decisions anymore, just like they're no longer dependent on your dad's poor choices. I'm glad you found us, although I am sorry about what brought you here. Keep posting, it really does help. You're not alone in this.

lesliej

It sounds like you are being affected by the contagion of the systematic disease of addiction! Your mom (and thus you!) could really benefit from some nar anon or al anon meetings for sure. Al anon is a little easier to find usually and they will welcome her.

I know that in my brief two year relationship with a crack addict I wore a few people out. I even wore out some people here at SR!!

But to be honest...my "losing" people was part of my recognizing that I was hitting bottom. When my friends and my sisters and my AA sponsor got sick of my despairing I understood that I was isolating with the disease of codependency to addiction.

I still had A LOT of processing to do...and wrote hundreds of verrrrry long posts here.

Encourage your Mom to continue to find resources for processing...and then...cut her loose. Hit your own bottom with this dis-ease. Let her find her own way. You might be enabling her codependency!

tbishop1168

I might as well do the drug. MY family thinks I already am. Ive tried to get him to get it for me but he says no. Why does he do that when I love him that much and want into his world. Im crazy!! This is driving me insane.

Dee74

I wouldn't want anyone I love follow me into the world of addiction.

In my experience nothing destroys a relationship more than two people lost in addiction.

You might think you'll end up closer....but you end up farther apart than ever because each partner is having their own little affair with whatever drug it is.

Stay on the outside tbishop - you're safest there.

Have you read any Melody Beattie? She writes a lot on codependency.

D

jenpi813

I have discovered that healthy boundaries protect me. I am not responsible for the actions of others and that includes parents. I am caring for aging mom who is codependent on life long addict son. Very difficult to watch. Had to establish strong healthy boundaries for my survival. We deserve to be happy. Hugs to you.

Ap052183

I'm in a similar situation with my dad and brother. You really just get sick of dealing with it. Plus the addict pulls so much there is little left for others. As others have said boundaries are key. Don't let anyone make you feel that you are being uncaring by caring for yourself. Those trapped in addiction/codependency are selfish. They can't see what a burden they've become. It is not your responsibility to be a care taker for counselor for either your mother or father. The only thing you can do is let them work out their own problems. Your mom may ask why you're backing away and you can simply say the situation creates a lot of stress in your life. You have a family now to worry about.