husband in rehab
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Join Date: Oct 2013
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husband in rehab
My husband went in to rehab last wednesday for ketamine abuse. He has been sniffing it for about 10 years. he used to do it socially then started sneaking around and doing it on his own. Our life became a stuck record. He would use it and i would catch him, so we would have an argument and he promised he would stop, he would stop, and for a while he would be amazing. he had energy and a love of life. but he would start slacking again, no energy, sneaking around..id accuse him and he would deny it. Shocked at how i could accuse him so i would feel bad. then usually i would catch him doing it again and the cycle would start all over again. The lies were the worst part of it. Blatant lying to my face, he became so good at it and so manipulating so i would end up questioning and doubting myself.
Recently it got bad..i started not to like him very much. Our day to day lives, which were usually lovely and full of fun and love, became colder and we started arguing alot. I knew his using had gotten worse. Thew i found him doing it so i kicked him out. I had reached then end of my tether after so many years. I thought i had to do something drastic, he was not the man i fell inlove with. So he came back and persuaded me to give him till xmas to prove that he can stop and at xmas if i still felt the same he would go. All i ever wanted was to keep our family together so i said yes. A week later i caught him again, so he left. I had a call the next day saying his addiction was bigger than anyone thought and he needs help.
So with help from his family he went in to a private rehab clinic.
He has owned up to sniffing 6/7 grams a day totalling around £700 a week. he has taken out loads of credit cards, quick loans ad conned money from his family. he is thousands of pounds in debt...luckily his family can bail him out for some of it so i dont have to worry.
but i also found out that he has done awful things...he has been sleeping with prostitutes. I found his account details for an online escort agency. and found his transactions dated back 5 years, with all his bookings and data.
For the past week i have been trying to come to terms with my husband has cheated on me...not only is he an addict he is an adulterer as well.
I was so sad and so angry, i couldnt understand why he did this too me. He has everything, a loving wife, house, beautiful children...i couldnt understand and thought the adultery couldnt possibly be connected to the drug abuse.
.... but today i have had a bit of clarity...ive looked in to addictions and started reading up on it. To find out what happens to an addicts brain and i now know he didnt do any of this to hurt me...and he did mean it when he said he loved me. he was so depressed and in such a dark place where drugs would cover up the depression which lead to more shame so more drugs and complete self destruction... now i know why he didnt want any mirrors up in the house and why he would turn on the radio or tv when he entered a room. he couldnt even look at himself or be alone with his thoughts. im just sad he was so unhappy for so long.
Im not forgiving him or forget, i know i can never trust him again and i know he has a massive way to go. But now i will support him, not turn my back on him. I still love him so much but he has done unforgivable things. I just want my family back together.
Recently it got bad..i started not to like him very much. Our day to day lives, which were usually lovely and full of fun and love, became colder and we started arguing alot. I knew his using had gotten worse. Thew i found him doing it so i kicked him out. I had reached then end of my tether after so many years. I thought i had to do something drastic, he was not the man i fell inlove with. So he came back and persuaded me to give him till xmas to prove that he can stop and at xmas if i still felt the same he would go. All i ever wanted was to keep our family together so i said yes. A week later i caught him again, so he left. I had a call the next day saying his addiction was bigger than anyone thought and he needs help.
So with help from his family he went in to a private rehab clinic.
He has owned up to sniffing 6/7 grams a day totalling around £700 a week. he has taken out loads of credit cards, quick loans ad conned money from his family. he is thousands of pounds in debt...luckily his family can bail him out for some of it so i dont have to worry.
but i also found out that he has done awful things...he has been sleeping with prostitutes. I found his account details for an online escort agency. and found his transactions dated back 5 years, with all his bookings and data.
For the past week i have been trying to come to terms with my husband has cheated on me...not only is he an addict he is an adulterer as well.
I was so sad and so angry, i couldnt understand why he did this too me. He has everything, a loving wife, house, beautiful children...i couldnt understand and thought the adultery couldnt possibly be connected to the drug abuse.
.... but today i have had a bit of clarity...ive looked in to addictions and started reading up on it. To find out what happens to an addicts brain and i now know he didnt do any of this to hurt me...and he did mean it when he said he loved me. he was so depressed and in such a dark place where drugs would cover up the depression which lead to more shame so more drugs and complete self destruction... now i know why he didnt want any mirrors up in the house and why he would turn on the radio or tv when he entered a room. he couldnt even look at himself or be alone with his thoughts. im just sad he was so unhappy for so long.
Im not forgiving him or forget, i know i can never trust him again and i know he has a massive way to go. But now i will support him, not turn my back on him. I still love him so much but he has done unforgivable things. I just want my family back together.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Milwaukee, WI
Posts: 40
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...me-let-go.html
That's just a link that i found the other day, and i think it's important to read. I sent it to a friend of mine because she's in such a bad situation.. way worse than my own. I'm not saying leave him.. just compare..
I hope that you can forgive him.. and i hope that things do get better.. some people can completely change their lives around when they truly mean to get clean.. but it can take so long to get to that point. I hope that you guys make it through, but remember your own self worth before his.. you don't want to spend another couple of years with this person and look in the mirror one day and regret everything. I wish you the best of luck, and i hope you guys do become a better family and find the love you had for him when you first meet. It's completely possible.
That's just a link that i found the other day, and i think it's important to read. I sent it to a friend of mine because she's in such a bad situation.. way worse than my own. I'm not saying leave him.. just compare..
I hope that you can forgive him.. and i hope that things do get better.. some people can completely change their lives around when they truly mean to get clean.. but it can take so long to get to that point. I hope that you guys make it through, but remember your own self worth before his.. you don't want to spend another couple of years with this person and look in the mirror one day and regret everything. I wish you the best of luck, and i hope you guys do become a better family and find the love you had for him when you first meet. It's completely possible.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
sorry, but FIVE YEARS of history with escort services and prostitutes can NOT be written of to "the drugs made me do it." he may not have engaged in the behaviors with the INTENTION of hurting you, but he sure as hell knew it would hurt you nonetheless. and yet he continued doing this for YEARS.
have you been tested for STDs? he has jeopardized your future and your safety. i'm not sure that when somebody tells me they love me and then run off and do drugs and have sex with hookers that really means much.
you have a lot to absorb. its great he is in rehab, but that is just the tip of the iceburg. rehab isn't going to FIX anything....his parents bailing him out doesn't FIX anything, in fact it removes him from the full consequence of his actions. he needs to be held accountable, don't coddle him. you've already been through enough!
have you been tested for STDs? he has jeopardized your future and your safety. i'm not sure that when somebody tells me they love me and then run off and do drugs and have sex with hookers that really means much.
you have a lot to absorb. its great he is in rehab, but that is just the tip of the iceburg. rehab isn't going to FIX anything....his parents bailing him out doesn't FIX anything, in fact it removes him from the full consequence of his actions. he needs to be held accountable, don't coddle him. you've already been through enough!
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 160
I don't really understand being comforted or more hurt depending on if he meant to do it or not. I mean, I get that intention would make a transgression worse (murder vs manslaughter), but even if it isn't intentional, to me what matters is what actually happened. And along the lines of manslaughter vs murder, doesn't someone who drives drunk and gets in a wreck killing someone get treated as though they intended it, because their choice to get behind the wheel was intentional?
I absolutely do no at all mean that in a 'i know what is right' way, but more in question way. I am really into neuropsychology, and the question of moral culpability is something that hasn't really been nailed down yet scientifically, like if someone whose brain is faulty is at fault for their behaviours. The problem of the moral culpability of a drug user fits entirely into this gray area I think. I'm mostly of the mind that we are our choices, that if any choice was made by us, we are responsible, and you can't say the drugs made you do it. If you we're literally with a gun to your head forced to do something you could argue you had no choice, but in the case of deciding to relapse or sleep with a prostitute, I lean towards assigning moral culpability to those choices.
But since I have heard so many people talk about how unclear their own thinking was while high, that they really weren't capable of rational decision making or actual thought with which to premeditated anything, that makes me not so sure of what I think.
In all practicality, the deal is that probably that it doesnt matter if its on purpose or not, just that if I am getting hurt so bad, I had better do my best to protect myself, no matter what the reason or reasoning is behind the action.
My AH has said to me that he knew it would hurt me to use, he was not deluded in any way about that, so I do pretty much blame him for the bad decision, at least the one he made while sober to use when he knows how easily it spirals out of control. In my mind if you can't drink or do drugs without doing stuff you will regret, then you don't partake in drinking or getting high, even if technically one hit or one drink isn't in itself so harmful.
I would not choose to turn off the part of my brain that makes good rational decisions, precisely because then I would be at too big of a risk for actions I would regret. So I have my own opinion here, but no real basis to know if I am right.
Can someone who knows more than me, who has more experience with addiction or aa or NA, share what you know about this with me? I'd really like to hear more opinions about this, to try and sort it out better in my own head.
I absolutely do no at all mean that in a 'i know what is right' way, but more in question way. I am really into neuropsychology, and the question of moral culpability is something that hasn't really been nailed down yet scientifically, like if someone whose brain is faulty is at fault for their behaviours. The problem of the moral culpability of a drug user fits entirely into this gray area I think. I'm mostly of the mind that we are our choices, that if any choice was made by us, we are responsible, and you can't say the drugs made you do it. If you we're literally with a gun to your head forced to do something you could argue you had no choice, but in the case of deciding to relapse or sleep with a prostitute, I lean towards assigning moral culpability to those choices.
But since I have heard so many people talk about how unclear their own thinking was while high, that they really weren't capable of rational decision making or actual thought with which to premeditated anything, that makes me not so sure of what I think.
In all practicality, the deal is that probably that it doesnt matter if its on purpose or not, just that if I am getting hurt so bad, I had better do my best to protect myself, no matter what the reason or reasoning is behind the action.
My AH has said to me that he knew it would hurt me to use, he was not deluded in any way about that, so I do pretty much blame him for the bad decision, at least the one he made while sober to use when he knows how easily it spirals out of control. In my mind if you can't drink or do drugs without doing stuff you will regret, then you don't partake in drinking or getting high, even if technically one hit or one drink isn't in itself so harmful.
I would not choose to turn off the part of my brain that makes good rational decisions, precisely because then I would be at too big of a risk for actions I would regret. So I have my own opinion here, but no real basis to know if I am right.
Can someone who knows more than me, who has more experience with addiction or aa or NA, share what you know about this with me? I'd really like to hear more opinions about this, to try and sort it out better in my own head.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
It just amazes me how so many of us accept unacceptable behavior all in the name of addiction. We justify, rationalize, minimize, and excuse. Its like addiction has become too "normal" for us. What in the world is normal about any one choosing to get high or escape life?? What happened to our simple common sense.
Bottom line, when an active says they love you, it's a lie. The last few years of my life have been a lie. Hard to accept, but it's my reality.
Addiction or not, I don't want that man....someone who lies, blames and manipulates for ANY reason.
Bottom line, when an active says they love you, it's a lie. The last few years of my life have been a lie. Hard to accept, but it's my reality.
Addiction or not, I don't want that man....someone who lies, blames and manipulates for ANY reason.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,854
Raise my hand, my husband hid his addiction until it got too bad to hide. Cheated on me, spent a whole bunch of our savings, lied by omission while looking me straight in the eyes. Painful things, but he is in rehab now. We are doing family sessions together and learning about addiction has helped me a lot, I have been reading a lot of books since this started, I understand better now, why he did the things he did, how his brain was functioning. I am working on getting past the affairs. I have forgiven him because I know he didn't mean to hurt me, and I believe he is hurting over it. What I have learned is moving through the pain takes time. That is where Im at now, moving through it.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
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Drugs short circuit "thinking brain" (pre-frontal cortex) and directly stimulate the base brain "amygdala". The mid brain then takes over the thinking brain, and the addict responds directly to pleasure (drug seeking, sex etc) and pain (withdrawal). Here is a good article on addiction and the base brain. http://www.orange-papers.org/orange-addmonst.html
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: In the Middle
Posts: 632
"In all practicality, the deal is that probably that it doesnt matter if its on purpose or not, just that if I am getting hurt so bad, I had better do my best to protect myself, no matter what the reason or reasoning is behind the action."
Sevenofnine - This is what happens. We have to choose to save ourselves at some point.
Sevenofnine - This is what happens. We have to choose to save ourselves at some point.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 6
thanks everyone,
i guess after his rehab, if he can rebuild his life, enjoy and appreciate it and his family..it all boils down to if i can forgive him for his actions. Drugs or no drugs he has still done it.
Today im feeling strong and can see an independent future for me and my kids. he is always going to be in our lives...he is their father and always will be. taking one day at a time..trying to keep in control of my feelings and emotions. think im doing ok x
i guess after his rehab, if he can rebuild his life, enjoy and appreciate it and his family..it all boils down to if i can forgive him for his actions. Drugs or no drugs he has still done it.
Today im feeling strong and can see an independent future for me and my kids. he is always going to be in our lives...he is their father and always will be. taking one day at a time..trying to keep in control of my feelings and emotions. think im doing ok x
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Join Date: Jul 2013
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I feel the hardest part of being me is being in control of my own emotions. I have had to practice not blaming him for the way I feel. I have to allow him to make me feel a certain way. Yet, i'm an emotional wreck sometimes.
I'm a strong independent mother and make my life work alone. It can be done. With that said.... I LOVE my husband. I wish he would stick to sobriety. I wish he would stop relapsing. My RAH is in jail right now and will be home in November. He's saying he will go to a 14 month faith based program because nothing else has worked.
I don't want to live my life alone, as a single mom, and be this strong. It's very exhausting and some days non-rewarding. Some days are better than others.
I think as long as he is willing and honest with you that you can try to work past some of the anger and pain that will cause you to fight with him and resent him. Having two parents who fight in the house IS damaging for the kids. ( I know )
Can you is the question. You will have to find some sort of resolve or peace with what has transgressed at some point for YOU!!
You are worth being loved fully. Love yourself and be good to yourself. You have been through HELL and are surviving! You can survive.
I'm a strong independent mother and make my life work alone. It can be done. With that said.... I LOVE my husband. I wish he would stick to sobriety. I wish he would stop relapsing. My RAH is in jail right now and will be home in November. He's saying he will go to a 14 month faith based program because nothing else has worked.
I don't want to live my life alone, as a single mom, and be this strong. It's very exhausting and some days non-rewarding. Some days are better than others.
I think as long as he is willing and honest with you that you can try to work past some of the anger and pain that will cause you to fight with him and resent him. Having two parents who fight in the house IS damaging for the kids. ( I know )
Can you is the question. You will have to find some sort of resolve or peace with what has transgressed at some point for YOU!!
You are worth being loved fully. Love yourself and be good to yourself. You have been through HELL and are surviving! You can survive.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Milwaukee, WI
Posts: 40
I know everybody is bashing your husband for the things he's done to you, and i know that's not what you want to hear cuz obviously your'e looking for support not ridicule for staying with him. I can't say much because, obviously he's hurt you... and every single person in this thread has been hurt by someone they loved otherwise they wouldn't be here. There are different degrees of hurt... and that's something you cannot change.. i will just let you know i really hope you find peace of mind by either working it out or going your separate ways.. you deserve the best not to just settle and if you believe that you are happy with him and hopeful don't give up on him.. if you think it's too much for you to ever forgive him for.. maybe it's time to part ways. Anyways, what i think i'm trying to say is i'm rooting for you in any decision you make.. because i know how much it hurts in this kind of situation and not many people can relate, and it's hard to find support through the things your'e going through. So, all of my best wishes go to you, and hopefully things will finally turn out for you. <3
you can always message me, and i'll be an ear to you if you need it.
you can always message me, and i'll be an ear to you if you need it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 6
thank you so much...your words are really nice to hear....im seeing him today for the first time. having a family therapy meeting with him and a counsellor. i guess we see what happens. i do love him...but maybe his is a good time to leave x
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Milwaukee, WI
Posts: 40
No problem. It's good to hear you have a counselor too. I am trying to get into therapy myself. These forums have been so helpful too. I hope you can reconcile what you have.. if not. It might be time to see what is best for you... and look at your needs first?
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