My random Q

Old 10-18-2013, 08:14 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Katchie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 1,478
My random Q

OK, this week, for the first time since I understood my H to be an A some years ago, I've been gobbling up very thing I can read. I bought, a few years ago, a book called Codependency No More by Melody Beattie and I'm finally reading it And trying to understand the whole codependency thing. So, in the event I sound like a complete codependent, which I'm sure I am, I am trying to learn.
Here's my Q: my AH has, to the best of my knowledge, been dry since last Saturday. I noticed early on his hands were quite shaky; they were for weeks last time he dried up. But, I also noticed yesterday or the day before that the shaking wasn't there that I could see, but didn't seem drunk. Though, with my track record I seemed to have missed his drunkenness somehow a lot of the time. Could the lack of shaky hands mean he is drinking some to control the shakes?
Katchie is offline  
Old 10-18-2013, 08:27 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Engineer Things; LOVE People
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
I would recommend checking his rectal temperature, urine sample, and hair and toenail growth patterns, and then we can compare our journal entries.

Real Deal? dunno, dontcare.

HOWEVER -- that YOU are tracking this nonsense probably DOES indicate that YOU should be working on YOU.

Not trying to be harsh on you, but you cannot get better working and worrying on him.
Hammer is offline  
Old 10-18-2013, 08:33 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Katchie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 1,478
Originally Posted by Hammer View Post
I would recommend checking his rectal temperature, urine sample, and hair and toenail growth patterns, and then we can compare our journal entries. Real Deal? dunno, dontcare. HOWEVER -- that YOU are tracking this nonsense probably DOES indicate that YOU should be working on YOU. Not trying to be harsh on you, but you cannot get better working and worrying on him.
UGH!! I AM working on me; I'm trying. But thank you anyway.
He's noticing some differences in me, even if they are small. Asking me about my conversation with my kids that I may go back to school. He's been very suspicious of me this week, but all questions of me asked in a cheery way. I am sincerely trying to understand this as a disease and further to understand it as a FAMILY disease--that one really bothers me.
Katchie is offline  
Old 10-18-2013, 08:53 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Here and Now
Posts: 73
LOL Hammer - you are awesome

Katchie - Detachment takes practice...a LOT of practice. I am putting a plan in motion to leave late next week, and I think my AH smells something in the air. He has turned the charm up to 11 and is texting me even MORE often (if that were possible) and wanting to spend every minute with me. He asks a ton of questions, as you mentioned yours is, in a cheery way... but you can tell he is suspicious. For example - "Did you talk to anyone today?" translation - did you talk to any friends I forbade you to have any longer, or any of your family, about me? "What are you planning to do tonight while I am at work?" Translation - I want to know you are sitting at home and not doing anything that would make me feel even more insecure or less in control.

It's a very draining experience. It is a family disease - the A isn't the only one suffering. Everyone around them suffers too.

May I ask (and forgive me if I overstep any boundaries) what you are doing to work on yourself? I only ask because in the beginning, when I was reading Codependency for Dummies and learning about my issues, I would think, in my codie brain, that I was doing things for myself...but in reality, they were still things done with my AH in mind. For example, I wanted to go treat myself to a pedicure, but I would pick a polish color I knew he would like, and do it at a time when he would be at work anyway so he wouldn't be upset about me not being home to 'spend time with him'. That wasn't really for me, was it?

It takes time for all this stuff to sink in, and work to implement changes in your life. Baby steps, one foot in front of the other. You may never understand completely what it's like for your AH, but you can understand what it's like for YOU and your children. That's what I use to base decisions on - how I feel,not how the AH feels. Took time for my thinking to get there, though. (hug) I wish you the best, and keep posting! This is a wonderful place for support.
NeedSomeHappy is offline  
Old 10-18-2013, 09:02 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
Tuffgirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Originally Posted by Katchie View Post
I am sincerely trying to understand this as a disease and further to understand it as a FAMILY disease--that one really bothers me.
What about it bothers you?
Tuffgirl is offline  
Old 10-18-2013, 09:24 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Katchie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 1,478
Originally Posted by NeedSomeHappy View Post
LOL Hammer - you are awesome

Katchie - Detachment takes practice...a LOT of practice. I am putting a plan in motion to leave late next week, and I think my AH smells something in the air. He has turned the charm up to 11 and is texting me even MORE often (if that were possible) and wanting to spend every minute with me. He asks a ton of questions, as you mentioned yours is, in a cheery way... but you can tell he is suspicious. For example - "Did you talk to anyone today?" translation - did you talk to any friends I forbade you to have any longer, or any of your family, about me? "What are you planning to do tonight while I am at work?" Translation - I want to know you are sitting at home and not doing anything that would make me feel even more insecure or less in control.

It's a very draining experience. It is a family disease - the A isn't the only one suffering. Everyone around them suffers too.

May I ask (and forgive me if I overstep any boundaries) what you are doing to work on yourself? I only ask because in the beginning, when I was reading Codependency for Dummies and learning about my issues, I would think, in my codie brain, that I was doing things for myself...but in reality, they were still things done with my AH in mind. For example, I wanted to go treat myself to a pedicure, but I would pick a polish color I knew he would like, and do it at a time when he would be at work anyway so he wouldn't be upset about me not being home to 'spend time with him'. That wasn't really for me, was it?

It takes time for all this stuff to sink in, and work to implement changes in your life. Baby steps, one foot in front of the other. You may never understand completely what it's like for your AH, but you can understand what it's like for YOU and your children. That's what I use to base decisions on - how I feel,not how the AH feels. Took time for my thinking to get there, though. (hug) I wish you the best, and keep posting! This is a wonderful place for support.
No worries about overstepping boundaries... that's why I'm here; I truly just wanna KNOW about me and my AH!
What I'm doing to work on myself has only started this week.. hehe. I 'think' I've been living in denial--I think. So, I've been to two alanon meetings in search of one I'd like to stick with; I may end up sticking with more than one. I'm reading Codependency No More and How Alanon Works for Families & Friends of Alcoholics, as well as stickies here while asking lots of Q's. I'm looking into possible job opportunities; I haven't worked since before we married 22 years ago--UGH! That scares the you know what out of me--UGH!! And I don't like to say I haven't "worked" because I've worked my arse off for my family as a home schooling mother of 4 boys and have one successfully graduated and in college. I'm thinking of returning to college that I didn't finish because I got married. I'm trying my darnedest NOT wonder, worry about, check iFind, search for bottles in house and car, smell AH when he comes in, yadda yadda... I'm doing all of this for my sanity. I don't want to be consumed by what he is doing; I want to be consumed with what will protect me and my kids. I hope all of that made sense.
Katchie is offline  
Old 10-18-2013, 09:27 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Here and Now
Posts: 73
Yes, it makes sense. As I said, detachment takes practice, and doing for only yourself and your kids takes practice. Be patient with yourself. High-five on going to Al-Anon meetings! I will be finding a group myself once I move back to my home state next week.
Finding a job can be a positive experience - not only are you going to be providing for yourself and your kids, but you get to be 'out in the world' again. It will likely make you feel less isolated, and will give you something to concentrate on besides what your AH is doing as well.
NeedSomeHappy is offline  
Old 10-18-2013, 09:28 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Katchie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 1,478
Originally Posted by Tuffgirl View Post
What about it bothers you?
That I or my precious son's have a disease! It bothers me that my trusted husband who we all love dearly would bring that upon all of us. I mean, what the crap!
Katchie is offline  
Old 10-18-2013, 09:29 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
spiderqueen's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 565
Originally Posted by Katchie View Post
I don't want to be consumed by what he is doing; I want to be consumed with what will protect me and my kids. I hope all of that made sense.
^^^^^^This! You are getting it, Katchie. Hang in there. ^^^^^^^^^
spiderqueen is offline  
Old 10-18-2013, 09:39 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
FireSprite's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
All that little stuff can be crazy-making distractions. Could be he's drinking just enough to stave off the shakes, could be his body is just handling the detox differently than before, could be that you notice it more or less or in a different way. The amount of mental energy spent trying to figure it out though - ENORMOUS sacrifice on your part. It took me f.o.r.e.v.e.r. to understand that! It was the longest time into my recovery before I saw how I was holding myself back in my own recovery by "attaching" to stuff like that.

Stuff that I couldn't control anyway. Stuff I couldn't prepare for, nor should I have had to.


Originally Posted by Katchie View Post
I truly just wanna KNOW about me and my AH!
Here's something to consider - at some point (& I know we're all different so I don't know if this resonates for any other posters...) at some point it became VERY clear to me that there is a huge, HUGE amount that I will never know. That I can't know OR understand simply because as a non-addict, I operate differently.

There's a percentage of what he went through as an active A & also how he deals with his recovery that I will never, ever, ever truly understand.... no matter how many ways different A's describe it, no matter how many books I read; I will never have the perspective of being an A. There are some times when the best I can do is to say, "I have NO understanding of that feeling/action/etc" and learn to let it go & not beat myself up trying to MAKE myself understand it. I simply never will!
FireSprite is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 04:55 AM.