Sadconfused

After growing up with an A father and now dealing with abf, I tend to not drink at all. I never was much of a drinker, only on certain occasions or socially with friends here and there but now I dont even do that.

I sometimes miss being able to do this, I was always a responsible drinker, knew that becoming an A myself was something that could very easily happen given my history or growing up with them so I never made a huge habit of it. Plus who wants to feel like that every morning! But now even knowing I dont have a problem with drinking myself, I feel some weird guilt if I were to drink. Like its something to be ashamed of. Even if I didnt feel this its not like I could just have a few drinks one night, not in this house and my situation. I cant chance not having a clear head and not being able to get myself and daughter out of here if I had to plus there is the fact that I am the only one sober person here to watch her.

Not real sure what the point of this post is, I had thought about it last night and I guess just wondering if anyone else that has dealt with the antics of A's feel this way.

ResignedToWait

You're not alone.

I just went to a Walking Dead premiere party last weekend, drinks were everywhere. I felt no desire to sip on anything the whole time I was there (except for the ginger ale I had) Actually, near the end of it when most people were leaning into "I've had too much already" territory, I was just annoyed at everyone around me, because it sort of made me mad that (in my mind), the addiction of AW turned what should be a light, fun social activity into something that only made me feel disgust and hate for the substance everyone was enjoying.

lillamy

I think it's perfectly natural to have a very mixed-up view of alcohol when you've seen the impact addiction can have.

When I first left AXH, I would deliberately have a drink (ONE drink) on the weekends the kids were with him, sort of like I needed to go "Ha! Look what I can do because I'm not an addict like YOU!"

Then after a while, I was completely rabid against alcohol. I would not allow it in my house. Because it's a poison that ruins people's lives.

I think it took me a good year and a half, maybe two, to get to the point where I view alcohol like I view a BLT sandwich: If I feel like having one, I'll have one, but it's nothing I walk around contemplating an awful lot.

I will say that my alcohol consumption is extremely limited -- but these days, it is because of me, not because I'm using my consumption of alcohol to somehow drive out the ghost of AXH. Before I met him, I would keep a couple of bottles of different kinds of liquor at home so I could offer people a glass of wine or sherry when they came over. I don't think I will ever get back to that. I have no problem with my own alcohol habits (I have a glass of wine maybe four-five times a year). I do, however, still feel unsettled at the thought of people being in my home and consuming alcohol and me not having control over how much they'll drink and how they'll behave... so there is still that leftover from my marriage...

firebolt

I felt the same way for a long time - I NEVER drank for the better part of a year. I liked to have a few here and there before that, and I felt like I was being punished. The reality was I was "punishing" myself - not drinking in hopes he would follow suit. It is clear that whether I have a beer or not has absolutely no impact on whether he will have 20 or not.

It would be one thing if he was actively working a program and hyper focused on recovery, I would support that 100% by never drinking at the house - until then, his drinking is his problem, and I am going to enjoy my life how I want to - including having a beer during a Sunday football game here and there. Good luck, his drinking is not your problem, but kudos to you for taking steps not to go down the same road as your dad! If only all children of A's had such forethought!!!

Wavy

I'm in a similar position with alcohol. I don't drink very often any more and when I do I don't drink very much. Its just not enjoyable to me any more, its impossible to enjoy that thing that destroyed my dreams. I too am an ACOA and am very aware of how easily I could become an alcoholic, I know its in me, so I make a point of never drinking if I'm feeling emotional. The point at which I start using a drink to take the edge of is the point at which the slip into oblivion becomes all too easy.

I used to drink a lot in my teens (13-18), but got bored of it once I could drive and would never had a drop if I was going to drive. Driving gave me such freedom that it was far more important to be able to use my car than to get out of my head and that's been my pattern for the most part. I've drunk more at times when pressured to keep up with XABF, but its never really been my thing. I'm happy to have people around me now who don't care if I drink or not, they just enjoy my company.