steelman1649

This week has been tough with my AW. She doesn't remember half the night from Tuesday. Wednesday as I was sleeping she fell and hurt her ankle, neck, and head. I heard her crawling on the floor in our bedroom as I woke up.
Last night I stayed on the couch as she was drinking and watching tv to make sure she was ok, but I fell asleep. I woke up when she crashed in a wall and knocked a picture down on herself. As I was standing up, she staggered into the kitchen and tipped over. She smacked her head like a football player hitting the turf. She has a huge bump on her head. As she has been mixing pills and 7&7 I'm afraid for her.

I've stayed up 2 nights after these events to get her into bed and monitor her breathing, I don't know what to do.
I've been attending al-anon meetings for a few months now and know I shouldn't try to stop her from drinking, nag her about it, etc. I am her backup alarm clock and she would've been fired long ago If i havent been there to get her going in the morning.

Some have suggested I let her sleep in and get into trouble at work. How do you turn your back and allow all this to happen so she hits rock bottom? My codependant behavior is allowing her to be a "functioning" alcoholic and perhaps delaying her hitting rock bottom and realization.
What can I do????? We've been so close to 2 hospital trips 2 nights in a row.

dandylion

steelman, have you ever thought of packing your bags and leaving?

This is a question---not a statement.....

dandylion

Syd

So sorry for what you're dealing with, steelman. The past year has been similar for me and my AH.

I know I was enabling him - I, too, was the back-up alarm clock. When my kids asked me why I could get up to an alarm clock but Daddy couldn't, I realized that I needed to stop being such an enabler. It was bad for our marriage, it was a bad example for our kids, and it was bad for our family. I can't tell you how good it felt when I finally stopped yelling (repeatedly, of course), "It's time to get up!!". He was late several times, and lied his way through it (blaming everything on heart problems).

I've had to patch holes in the wall where he's tripped and fallen into them; I've woken up to mysterious trails of blood droplets from where he's injured himself but was unaware of it. I have realized that it's a real possibility that any given morning, I may wake up to find him dead of some kind of accident/alcohol poisoning/heart attack/you name it. As a result, I have detached myself from him in almost every possible way. The past year has been an exercise in letting go to someone who's still here. It's weird.

I don't have any words of wisdom for ya - I'm new here, myself. But I know you're not alone, and hope you find the strength to do what's right for you.

SparkleKitty

For me, I had to allow the A in my life the dignity to live it the way he chose, and to suffer the consequences of his actions. He was an adult, and it was his right.

That's not to say it wasn't so amazingly hard to watch him fail, but just as I didn't have the power to make him want to stop drinking, I didn't actually have the power to save him from himself either. Nor, really, do I think I had the right.

I wish you strength and courage.

ResignedToWait

I know you're concerned about her right now...but...be sure to also look out for yourself.

How?...I don't know...but take this anecdote from my life as a possibility.

AW and I were living four hours away from each other. She fell in a stupor one evening and got a bigtime black eye, the whole side of the face was swollen and her entire eye area was black.
She decides to post the picture on facebook, with only the caption "What a nice little souvenir I got"
Of course, everyone is asking her in messages and on the wall how it happened....she doesn't respond to any of it. Someone says "Did HE do that to you?!" No response from her....then it kind of just morphed into assumption that I did it, with public outcries for my hanging, practically. She didn't ever affirm or deny anything, never commented on that picture again.
A few of the people actually called me and told me they "knew I did that to her, and I should turn myself in". Of course, when I tried to say I wasn't even in the same state, much less the same town, they didn't believe me.

Long story short...it's a thin line between thinking you're doing the right thing in helping your wife, and being accused of domestic abuse that you didn't do...especially if she has "no memory" of how she got those wounds.

Don't be surprised if she decides it would be less embarrassing to claim you caused those wounds, than to admit to the world that she caused them due to alcoholism.

Hammer

Maybe a spare room in the house that is her "drinking room?"

Get some old mattresses from the Salvation Army and line the walls, and a few on the floor.

Set up the bar and a pee bucket in there.

If it works out well, maybe add a floor drain.

I know, I know, it is a great idea, and folks are now wondering why they did not think of this first.

I really should have been a "special needs" Architect or something.

Hammer

Yes. Yes, he did.

"He" being Jack Daniels.

==================

Really I hear you. Mrs. Hammer tries to pull the "Victim For Life" routine on anyone who will listen. Most folks only listen for a while, and sort of figure out she is fairly whacked.

ResignedToWait

That safe room might even be a little soundproof also...you could use it to scream and vent frustrations while the SO is off buying another bottle. Great idea Hammer! haha.

dandylion

Resignedtowait---You bring up a good point--I never really thought of that possibility!!

dandylion

firebolt

It would be far too tempting to slap a padlock on the door of the drunk room.... from the outside...

spiderqueen

When my xABF was begging we move in together (we never did, thanks be to god), he actually suggested we find a place with a "crazy man studio", so my daughters wouldn't be scared of him when he was drunk off his a**.

He seriously suggested this. Of course, at the time he was claiming that migraines were responsible for his bizarre and unpredictable behavior.

I realize we are walking a thin line here between humor - thank you Hammer - and GET THE HE** OUT.

I myself am on the GET THE HE** OUT side of that line this morning. She is a liability not only to herself, Steelman, but to YOU, as well. If you leave and stop helping her, she may actually realize she needs to HELP HERSELF. Or she may not. Either way, YOU are safe.

steelman1649

i'm afraid to leave the house for 90 minutes to go to my al-anon meeting tonight....afraid of what i'll walk back to find.

spiderqueen

I am so sorry, Steelman. I have been in your shoes. Please know this: You can't control her behavior, or keep her safe, no matter how much you sacrifice.

Do not sacrifice your own mental and physical health in this process. Taking care of you has two very important outcomes:

1. You are taking care of someone who's well-being you CAN control (yours);
2. Your self care ****may**** have the effect of waking up your wife to her illness, and helping her to HELP HERSELF.

Again, I am so sorry for your anguish. I have been where you are, and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

Keep coming back!!!!!

spiderqueen

Just had a thought - maybe don't walk back to it tonight. Maybe just for tonight (AFTER YOUR ALANON MEETING) stay with a friend, or go to a motel, where you can breathe, rest and just... be. You can collect your thoughts. You can watch tv. You can call your best friend. You can BREATHE.

The drama of the full-blown, active A in the throes of their addiction will literally suck all the oxygen out of a room, and you need oxygen to LIVE.

steelman1649

I just need a break from the babysitting, a break from the horror i wake up to every night, a break from the constant worrying, a break from trying to learn how to speak "drunkenese".

It is so weird as I'm a strong, independant, energized person normally. I've never felt so weakened physically and emotionally. I'm not sure what it means to "lose it" or "breakdown", but i feel something coming.

My boss quit her job so i've taken on tons more responsibilities and i'm trying to attend grad school full-time. I have a horrible feeling that I'm going to screw something up as I don't think I can maintain this much longer.

NeedSomeHappy

She is not your responsibility. She is a grown woman and is making her own choices independently of you. Isn't it reasonable that you would do the same?
Do you have a safe place you can go for a while to decompress, regroup, get some clarity? Or, is there a way you can get her to leave? It sounds as though you are right in the middle of the sh*tstorm and hanging on is sapping all your energy. I am so sorry for you, and I hope that you are able to extract yourself from this mess, at least long enough to regain some balance, so you know what you need to do next.

steelman1649

The problem is she moved out 2 months ago as she was "not sure what she wanted". One big problem was my nagging about her drinking, forgetting to pay bills, etc.
She moved back in a month ago and I don't want to blow the chance i have to get us back on track. I've been working on myself and making great progress. Trying to detach and doing a damn good job until these extreme events happen.

NeedSomeHappy

Please re-read this, and be as objective as you can.

May I ask - are you saying that you nagged her about her seeming inability to be responsible, so it made her leave? That doesn't seem very rational, does it?

You cannot get "US" back on track...you can only take care of you.

steelman1649

Update: Stupid idea, but I was desperate. I asked the AW to give me one night to rest(hoping she would realize the hell she put me through the previous nights and not drink, plus i needed to go to my al-anon meeting). She agreed earlier in the day. When she got home she was mad and griping about work and she picked a hell of a day to agree to no drinks.

Within the hour she asked me if she could have 1 drink.
Of course I informed her she was an adult and could make her own decisions. I got home and she was sleeping, looks like only a few drinks consumed (her 3 day hangover must have finally wore her out!).
I decided to reach out to her family for help. They seemed concerned, but more of a "she needs to drink a bit less" then admitting she has a problem. No help there.

One thing I decided to do going forward. I will not continue to be her backup alarm clock. If she choses to drink and doesn't wake up, she can deal with the consequences as an adult. This could lead to some big problems between us, but I will do it no more.

dandylion

steelman, there is one fact to keep in mind: You can't reason with an active alcoholic. The disease itself renders them "unreasonable" by any standard that we would normally use.

Another fact: You didn't cause it; You can't control it; and, you can't fix it. That responsibility will fall on her.

These are the basics. These are the first things that we have to wrap our brains around. Not easy, I know.

Dandylion