Zimmi

Hi you lovely lot, not sure where to start...here we go, I need to wean myself off the obession of xabf, I find myself thinking about him well ok obsessing lol.

I go between anger, self pity the what could have beens the maybe if etc etc Im pretty sure alot of you have been here and got through it.

Pretty sure I am very codependent, waiting for therapy so I thought in the meantime have you guys got any hints tips or exercises (like writing letters to x, inner child etc) I think i carry blame, shame negativeity about myself, insecurity, not knowing who i am. that feeling of less than. and a whole lot more crappy stuff.

Cant spend any money on the treat myself to haircut pamper etc or nights out with friends or any activites that cost money. All thoughts ideas gratefully received.

Hopeworks

read, read, read, read, read.

REad books, articles, websites, forums... if you read this stuff over and over it is changing your brain! If you think about him and obsess it CEMENTS it in your brain and releases chemicals that keep you bonded.

Do not allow the thoughts to keep tumbling around in your head. Banish them. Cast it down and change the focus of your brain over and over and over again. Do brain teasers, video games or anything that requires your brain to focus.

Alanon meetings. Have you found a good one yet? Huge help for me.

Have a hobby you used to love or something that interests you? Find lots of fun things to do.... dancing classes, art, photography, bowling, archery etc, etc,....

Volunteer somewhere. Helping others is very helpful when we are hurting.

Projects. Clean a closet. paint a room. something to keep you focusing on something other than the XA (no space in the brain!)

It works if you work it.

BtheChange

I agree with reading--so helpful for me. Psychology Today magazine has loads of free, current articles on-line on many different subjects (including addiction, self-help, etc.). That would be an easily accessible place to go for good reads.

Also, running/jogging is always a lifesaver for me. It only requires a pair of sneakers (you Brits call them trainers, right?) and 30 minutes outside and it gets you out of your head and back into your body, releases lots of happy/healthy hormones, energizes you, structures your day, etc. If you are new to running, you can start by walking and adding in a few stretches of running, working up to running for 20 minutes or so at a time. If you are just rediscovering who you are (I know how that is, I've been there too), adding "runner" into your self-description can't hurt.

To borrow from Dr. Laura, you can also make yourself drop and do 10 push ups when you find yourself thinking about your ex. It will distract you from those obsessive thoughts, and help you "retrain your brain," as Hopeworks mentioned.

Speaking of Dr. Laura, you can listen to her online (for free) here:
Dr. Laura: Call of the Day
That is kind of like getting free therapy!

Ruby2

I was going to suggest washing dishes, do household chores. Clean your closets, wash the floors. When I am feeling most down I do those type of things. Movement helps.

Tuffgirl

All great ideas so far! Ditto everyone else!

And, tell yourself to stop when you start obsessing. Make yourself think of something else. It is a conscious choice that becomes second nature over time, but first one has to re-train their thought process.

NYCDoglvr

Obsession is part of codependency and it will pass, I promise. Some things I told myself: "a leopard doesn't change his spots", "fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me" It also helps to get physically active, to get out and not isolate. Can you get to Alanon? The support of the fellowship saved my sanity!