lolitalola

DH is a sneaky drinker. He binges when I am not around and if I working and he is not he will sneak drinks. He will never admit to drinking unless there is physical evidence. He lies like a sociopath. I can't believe a word he says. Yeah what does this say about our marriage.

Trouble is that after a few days he says he will try to be honest and so the pattern will start again. He doesn't drink for a week or so then and I am pretty sure when he does or nkt.

How do I live with someone I can't trust. I am trying hard to dettach but I need strategies. The lies just mess with my head and emotional wellbeing in a horrendous way.

Lulu39

I am taking a guess here but I think that most normies don't live with people they can't trust. I used to, until I realised it was madness. It was also exhausting trying to keep up the facade for outsiders so they thought we were a normie family.

Believe his ACTIONS and don't believe his WORDS. His words are just quack quack quacking. Take a good hard look at what he does and not what he says and believe THAT.

Don't engage in discussion with him about the lies, that only gets you sucked into the whirlpool and then you'll get more lies covering up for the original lies.

Zimmi

Doesnt it sound like we all live or have lived with the same man/woman. My xabf would deny even when i found his secret stash, I used to dread weekends, holidays as he would always sneak a drink or should i say drinks.

Without trust what have you got? IMO not alot, it sucks but words mean jack s**** when living with an alcoholic, there not like normies.

Dont beleive what they say that way you cant be hurt, and let down.

Look at the actions I think for an A to change they have to hurt enough and for me it was without me enabling etc the A, looking back I made it easy for him to carry on and his disease to progress and hurt us all

dandylion

Dear lolitalola, never be surprised that an active alcoholic lies or hides the liquor, bottles, etc. This is what all alcoholics do. It is part of the disease--it is their hopeless attempt to protect their drinking. Sobriety is the only thing that puts alcoholism into remission.

A first step for you is to learn everything you possibly can about the disease, itself. It is only the first step--but a very important one--in my opinion.

I suggest that in addition to the stickies at the top of this page (a wealth of information), you check out the articles on alcoholism on this web site: PaychiatryandWellness.com----The articles by Floyd P. garrett, M.D. are excellent to give an understanding of how the alcoholic mind works. These articles helped me tremendously.

dandylion

FeelingGreat

Lolita, when I was drinking it was almost impossible for me to get the true amount out of my mouth, even to my doctor. If you know you're doing the wrong thing, saying it is too shameful.
Don't count on hearing the truth any time soon.

TonightTonight

Lolitalola, I'm also struggling with the trust issue, and conpletely agree with Lulu - it's part of our disease, I think, to accept and live with people we don't trust. And though in al anon I learned I have my choices (they may be extremely difficult but I do have them) I still find it hard to leave. Anyhow, alcoholics drink, that's what they do, I'm finding out. Just wanted to add, as it was mentioned in another post, the website is bma-wellness.com

Lyssy

web address doesn't work.

I need this too. I just can't come to terms with the lying and deceitfulness.

dandylion

Lyssy----I am soo sorry---I mispelled "Psychiatry"!!!! LOL.

It might be easier to type: Psychiatry and Wellness Dr. Floyd P. Garrett, M.D. into Google search.

Try that and let me know if you can get it up--I was able to do that yesterday (I checked it out).

dandylion

Hammer

dunno exactly the best answer, but can tell you from my own experience -- my answer is: Not very well, thank you.

When trust and/or respect is finally gone, not much else matters.

Suppose there is a Silver Lining to that cloud -- Guess it should make Ending Things easier in that regard.

I would suggest we look to greater wisdom than ourselves.

An alternate HP -- The Simpsons.


Quothe Homer: "Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen."



lola . . . Here is what I am thinking -- I guess you . . . ok . . . *we* . . . as in Me, too . . . just have to stop listening.


======================

Other worthy Homerisms found along the way . . .

"Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get."

"Son, a woman is like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you'd step over your own mother just to get one! But you can't stop at one. You wanna drink another woman!"

Lyssy

TonightTonight posted it just below your post.

Thank you both for posting this site.

Welcome to Psychiatry & Wellness, Behavior Medicine Associates

Wow - just WOW!

From one of the articles.
I have often wondered about that.

OP - a really good article on the lying is this one:

Addiction, Lies and Relationships

dandylion

Lyssy---I am glad that you found the site! I am also glad that you find it helpful.


Much thanks to TonighTonight for the tip!!!!!!!!!

dandylion

P.S.--maybe you could give some feed-back after you have read the articles?
Your questions are so frequently asked, here, on the forum

spiderqueen

I found those articles myself, early on in my awakening and recovery. I was blown away, horrified, validated and still found myself denying large swathes of it (it's not that bad with us, etc).

3 months after breaking it off with my ABF, I just re-read the lying one. This time, while still identifying my X in there, I was much more focused on MY role in the whole thing; how I allowed myself to be attacked, questioned, and made to feel insane and delusional (he actually used those exact words, on many occasions).

Yes, I can feel compassion for him in his awful prison. But more importantly, I can focus on how I. AM. NOW. FREE. And how I always had this choice. And how I am worth it. (He is too, of course, but that's for HIM to figure out.)

Thanks everyone. Feeling grateful today. And every day, these days.

NYCDoglvr

You don't have to! Once you realize you can't trust or respect your husband, what's left? We're powerless over another person's drinking, there's nothing we can say or do that will affect it. With the help of Alanon and therapy I dealt with codependency that kept me in a destructive relationship

LightInside

Do you have any Al anon literature or one of the daily readers? Courage to Change has a few readings on trust, I think. Any of the daily readers will probably have something good to say. You can look up trust or detachment in the index of any if the books. Also, Al anon has a detachment pamphlet which may be helpful. I took about 5 of them and had one in my purse, one in my car, one in my bedroom, etc. so that I could read one every time I was about to see my ex. Detachment is not super obvious or easy. It takes PRACTICE, so be gentle on yourself if you don't get it right immediately.

LightInside

P.S. The only way I'm really able to detach right now is to go No Contact. I am not detaching with love yet. Its okay to just detach at first and let the love part show up later.

readerbaby71

I love that Homer Simpson quote "to alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, most of life's problems!" I remember when I first saw it I laughed so hard. There's a lot of truth in it.