Detached---------- desmashed!

Old 05-11-2002, 06:53 PM
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Red face Detached---------- desmashed!

Come on....how can you do this with love... when this man has lost his common sense, his manners and just his being makes me ill! I am the vodka police around here....just looking for those bottles and glasses so I can go balistic! I feel like I have won a prize when I capture one! Then I can show him how bad he is! Then we have a big brawl! The I feel hysterical.... I am amazed how you guys can do this detachment thing...all I think about is how to get out of it....then when I think I am going to get out ........................ I fall back...I feel like I am a s --t magnet.. for him.
This is not fun, not fun since it is A # 2.....Happy Mothers day to Everyone!!!
: )
Kitty > ^.,. ^ <
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Old 05-11-2002, 07:54 PM
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Morning Glory
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Hang in there Kitty,
I think you're angry because you feel trapped. You have an addiction you can't break free of. I've been there. You look at yourself and want out so bad, but you just can't seem to do it.

I think it's that left brain vs. right brain confusion. Each side of your brain is telling you to do something different. It's like the angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other shoulder, like you see in the old cartoons.

I can see progress since your first post. Just keep going. It will eventually become clear.

I learned to speak nicely to my son by pretending he was a stranger and that I had to treat him like I would have to treat a stranger. I would not speak from my feelings, I would speak from my mind. It takes thinking before speaking.

On the other hand, it seems like you are ready for a separation. You need a break. How's that plan coming along?

Hugs,

MG



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Old 05-12-2002, 03:07 AM
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Hey Kitty

It ain't easy. I don't always detach and when I do, its not always with love. But lately I've learned the fighting only makes me stressed out and no matter how much booze I find and get rid of, he will always get more. So little by little I do things for me. Hoping that if he sees a change in me and that I am not taking care of him anymore, he might see the light so to speak. I certainly don't approve of what he does but there is really nothing I can do about it. I tell myself the 3 c's alot - I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure it. It gets me through sometimes.
I am praying for you that you can find some peace in your horrible situation. Hang in there.

Love,
Debbie
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Old 05-12-2002, 03:42 AM
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JT
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Kitty,

May be you are confusing detachment with giving him your permission and I can understand that you cetainly don't want him to think it is ok to keep up his drinking. But detachment is a way to take care of YOU. YOU hurt when you go balistic...and you are also giving him someone to blame besides himself. I have taken bottles, or baggies etc and simply set them out so they know that they were found and said nothing. Believe me...he knows how you feel...but if you go balistic he can call you names, and put the blame on you instead of himself where it belongs.

And when you have expectations that you know he cannot meet who are you hurting? He is obviously just going along on his merry way and YOU are suffering.

Detachment is about taking care of YOU...be selfish. You can take it back a notch and just wave it in his face and leave the room...or slam it on the counter and leave the house...or leave a note. We aren't perfect. Think about it..is all the crazy behavior changing anything?

Maybe the "with love" part will come and maybe it won't...only you can know if you will stay or you will go...but detaching will give YOU peace.

Love JT
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Old 05-12-2002, 04:50 AM
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Hi Kitty...

Boy can i ever relate to what you wrote! I think probably we all can at one time or another. I find bottles all over the place, even when I'm NOT looking for them. I have stopped looking for them because I know that even if I find do some and pour it down the drain, he will get more. He will always get more until he decides it's not worth it.

I have a problem with detaching with love too. I have NO problem detaching with anger. I think right now I have to work on detaching without a meltdown and then maybe the detaching with love will come.

We all get sucked back in....don't feel like you are different in that respect. I know you feel like you are weak because I do too, but the fact is, we love our alcoholics.

In my case, I was married for 17 years before he even started drinking. Can I just turn my back on 17 good years? Is the past 5 bad years gong to erase the good ones? Are our daughters better off with no father in the house rather or having an on again/off again dad IN the house? Those are the questions I have to keep asking myself. And believe me, i am very confused and wishy washy.

All I know is that whenever I blow up and scream at him, it does nothing but make things worse. Then he can blame me for "having" to drink to be able to live with such a screaming b*tch. I am not going to give him any ammunition to use against me OR give him any excuses or reasons why he has to drink.

BTW... I was the Vodka Police too... and I had even rectruited my daughters into being Vodka Deputies. But then I realized that being the Vodka Police was me trying to have power and control over alcohol and I was supposed to have admitted that I was powerless over alcohol in Step 1. We have to give that up to our HP or else we will go insane.

I hope you continue to find comfort here... I know I have and I have only been her a couple days. Keep posting, it really helps.

Sugarplum


 
Old 05-12-2002, 05:02 AM
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Ann
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Kitty

Detaching with love, can mean loving ourselves enough to stop taking any ownership of their disease.

I allowed my son to say and do things in my home, that I wouldn't have allowed another person on this planet to do.

When I discovered that, I decided that, like MG said, the addict side of him was a stranger to me and I would treat him like any other stranger in my home. He is now living in a clean house with other recovering addicts and that is the healthiest for both of us. Now, I will speak to him or see him on his "good" days, and if he has a bad day (even if he is clean) I remove myself from the situation entirely. At least my home is a safe place of serenity and peace and at times I consider it my refuge.

Have you gone to any Al-Anon meetings? If not, I recommend trying it. The support is terrific, from people who share your problem.
And please feel free to share, vent, cry, or laugh on this board as often as you want.

Hugs

Ann
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