Trusting again, post A
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: England, UK
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Trusting again, post A
How long did it take you to start trusting people again once you had left your A? (Or resolved the situation with your A). And how did you manage it?
I find myself very, perhaps overly, alert to people now, suspicious even. Part of it is not trusting myself to be able to make good decisions. Everything felt so right with the people that have taken advantage of me in the past, so now when things feel right I second guess myself all over the place. Even when people give me no reason to question them I wonder if I'm missing something and can't just take a good thing at face value.
I've only been free from XABF for 2 months, not long I know. I was just interested to hear other peoples' E,S & H to see some kind of light down the tunnel, and hear the processes other people went through. To know its possible to trust people again I guess and take joy from them rather than always wondering when something is going to go wrong.
I find myself very, perhaps overly, alert to people now, suspicious even. Part of it is not trusting myself to be able to make good decisions. Everything felt so right with the people that have taken advantage of me in the past, so now when things feel right I second guess myself all over the place. Even when people give me no reason to question them I wonder if I'm missing something and can't just take a good thing at face value.
I've only been free from XABF for 2 months, not long I know. I was just interested to hear other peoples' E,S & H to see some kind of light down the tunnel, and hear the processes other people went through. To know its possible to trust people again I guess and take joy from them rather than always wondering when something is going to go wrong.
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I started trusting others after I learned to trust myself. It was a long process with many stages, including therapy and LOTS of alone time. It was worth every step, both the painful learning ones and joyful unexpected ones. Now I can recognize red flags and make decisions based on facts, rather than feelings. I can take my time. Act instead of react.
It was possible for me to trust again and to find joy in myself as well as others. I believe it is possible for you too, Wavy!
It was possible for me to trust again and to find joy in myself as well as others. I believe it is possible for you too, Wavy!
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
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Originally Posted by SparkleKitty 
I started trusting others after I learned to trust myself. It was a long process with many stages, including therapy and LOTS of alone time. It was worth every step, both the painful learning ones and joyful unexpected ones. Now I can recognize red flags and make decisions based on facts, rather than feelings. I can take my time. Act instead of react.
It was possible for me to trust again and to find joy in myself as well as others. I believe it is possible for you too, Wavy!
It was possible for me to trust again and to find joy in myself as well as others. I believe it is possible for you too, Wavy!
And I take care to not paint everyone with my own bad experiences paintbrush.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
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I guess I do not extrapolate Mrs. Hammer's horrid behavior onto other people.
In fact, I suppose I would expect most any normal person to be better.
Key part there being "normal." Remember MOST people DO NOT have addictions, alcoholism, mental illness, nor personality disorders. MOST people DO NOT blantantly lie about things, or try to hide their behaviors. MOST people DO NOT behave like entitled leaches. MOST people DO NOT use other people.
It is a small percentage of the population who are addicts, alcoholics, have harmful mental illness and/or personality disorders.
It is just that between us here -- we seem to have found them.
In fact, I suppose I would expect most any normal person to be better.
Key part there being "normal." Remember MOST people DO NOT have addictions, alcoholism, mental illness, nor personality disorders. MOST people DO NOT blantantly lie about things, or try to hide their behaviors. MOST people DO NOT behave like entitled leaches. MOST people DO NOT use other people.
It is a small percentage of the population who are addicts, alcoholics, have harmful mental illness and/or personality disorders.
It is just that between us here -- we seem to have found them.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: England, UK
Posts: 257
Originally Posted by SparkleKitty
I started trusting others after I learned to trust myself. It was a long process with many stages, including therapy and LOTS of alone time. It was worth every step, both the painful learning ones and joyful unexpected ones. Now I can recognize red flags and make decisions based on facts, rather than feelings. I can take my time. Act instead of react.
It was possible for me to trust again and to find joy in myself as well as others. I believe it is possible for you too, Wavy!
It was possible for me to trust again and to find joy in myself as well as others. I believe it is possible for you too, Wavy!
Originally Posted by Hammer
I guess I do not extrapolate Mrs. Hammer's horrid behavior onto other people.
In fact, I suppose I would expect most any normal person to be better.
Key part there being "normal." Remember MOST people DO NOT have addictions, alcoholism, mental illness, nor personality disorders. MOST people DO NOT blantantly lie about things, or try to hide their behaviors. MOST people DO NOT behave like entitled leaches. MOST people DO NOT use other people.
It is a small percentage of the population who are addicts, alcoholics, have harmful mental illness and/or personality disorders.
It is just that between us here -- we seem to have found them.
In fact, I suppose I would expect most any normal person to be better.
Key part there being "normal." Remember MOST people DO NOT have addictions, alcoholism, mental illness, nor personality disorders. MOST people DO NOT blantantly lie about things, or try to hide their behaviors. MOST people DO NOT behave like entitled leaches. MOST people DO NOT use other people.
It is a small percentage of the population who are addicts, alcoholics, have harmful mental illness and/or personality disorders.
It is just that between us here -- we seem to have found them.
Its exhausting to be honest and seems so unfair on the people I meet who have given me no reason to doubt them. I don't want to go back to being so totally naive as I was, trusting everyone at their word, but life did seem freer when I wasn't feeling like I constantly had to second guess everyone to protect myself.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
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Originally Posted by Wavy
I guess the problem is that MOST people I've been involved with have had addiction and have lied and have used me.
But if its random people being drawn to you in your life who turn out to be addicts and liars, my question would be what is it about you that attracts and is attracted to this kind of person? What red flags are you missing early on?
Spending some time understanding how you tick is an amazing journey! I learned a lot about myself this time around that I would have never thought true in the past. And it is helping shape not only myself but my relationships from this point forward. I am making different choices this time around. Doing things differently. Breaking the bad habits, so to speak.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
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For me, the trust had to come from inside of me - it wasn't all about my A (although I saw it that way at first) but more that I had been ignoring my gut instincts for so long that I could no longer trust myself.
When your gut is screaming that something is wrong over & over & you keep making excuses or cover-ups, accepting unacceptable behavior, telling yourself that's it's ok & will be ok, etc ... it's lying to yourself. After lying to yourself for so long your gut will start to accept that lie as the truth & stop ringing off every time the situation pops up. I think this is why secret-keeping about addiction in a family is so damaging, IMO. Over enough time you stop seeing the lies as lies, the wrongs as wrong until That Day when your perspective finally shifts and you wonder how on earth you didn't see the forest for the trees all this time.
For me - I had to work on fixing my gut first. When I learned to trust me again, everything else was secondary.
When your gut is screaming that something is wrong over & over & you keep making excuses or cover-ups, accepting unacceptable behavior, telling yourself that's it's ok & will be ok, etc ... it's lying to yourself. After lying to yourself for so long your gut will start to accept that lie as the truth & stop ringing off every time the situation pops up. I think this is why secret-keeping about addiction in a family is so damaging, IMO. Over enough time you stop seeing the lies as lies, the wrongs as wrong until That Day when your perspective finally shifts and you wonder how on earth you didn't see the forest for the trees all this time.
For me - I had to work on fixing my gut first. When I learned to trust me again, everything else was secondary.
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Well, I don't know if this is the S and H you're looking for, but it's my E, and it's what I've got...
A little short of four years out, I still abide by "trust but verify" with most everyone. (I have teenagers, with them, it's a must.) I've known my husband since I was about 12 and even so, I have to remind myself about once a week that "he is not AXH" when he does something and I react as if I was dealing with AXH. Because we know each other so well, it's not a big deal for me to say "OOOOOOkiedokie, I think I'm being a little time-and-space confused here -- give me a minute to reset my attitude."
I think I'm more guarded than I used to be, when I meet new people. I don't assume they're going to screw me over but I keep watch for signs that they may.
I think the biggest thing post-alcoholic-marriage -- and this is NOT a bad thing necessarily -- is that I'm super aware of my own reactions to people. I analyze the WHYs a whole lot more ("why did I have a negative reaction to that guy in the auto parts store?" and "how come I don't trust Megan in accounting when she's never done anything to earn my distrust?") and I understand myself a whole lot better.
My life is about 1,000% better than it was right after I left AXH. I will say that I still have times when I wait for the other shoe to drop. When I don't feel like I deserve to be happy. When I think my new life will crumble around me. When I hear myself think "You don't deserve to be happy because you abandoned the man you swore to be faithful to for better for worse til death do you part and you need to be punished for leaving him somebody will screw you over and that's what you deserve" which is of course poppycock but it still pops into my head now and again and needs to get chased off.
A little short of four years out, I still abide by "trust but verify" with most everyone. (I have teenagers, with them, it's a must.) I've known my husband since I was about 12 and even so, I have to remind myself about once a week that "he is not AXH" when he does something and I react as if I was dealing with AXH. Because we know each other so well, it's not a big deal for me to say "OOOOOOkiedokie, I think I'm being a little time-and-space confused here -- give me a minute to reset my attitude."
I think I'm more guarded than I used to be, when I meet new people. I don't assume they're going to screw me over but I keep watch for signs that they may.
I think the biggest thing post-alcoholic-marriage -- and this is NOT a bad thing necessarily -- is that I'm super aware of my own reactions to people. I analyze the WHYs a whole lot more ("why did I have a negative reaction to that guy in the auto parts store?" and "how come I don't trust Megan in accounting when she's never done anything to earn my distrust?") and I understand myself a whole lot better.
My life is about 1,000% better than it was right after I left AXH. I will say that I still have times when I wait for the other shoe to drop. When I don't feel like I deserve to be happy. When I think my new life will crumble around me. When I hear myself think "You don't deserve to be happy because you abandoned the man you swore to be faithful to for better for worse til death do you part and you need to be punished for leaving him somebody will screw you over and that's what you deserve" which is of course poppycock but it still pops into my head now and again and needs to get chased off.
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