In-laws? How in the hell do I deal with this?
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 2
In-laws? How in the hell do I deal with this?
My alcoholic husband it currently in Rehab, his second time in a year. He recently got into an accident and was sent to the emergency room and then on to rehab, his choice, he truly wants to get better. I am standing by him and doing my best to take care of myself.
I have done the leg work of getting him into a reputable rehab center and making sure his paperwork gets processed so he can keep his job and get paid....maybe enabling a little bit, but who wouldn't help that if it directly effects you? I do not help him in any other way.....there are consequences to his drinking.
He has terrible anxiety issues, a lot of it steaming from family issues. Overbearing Dad who constantly lectures, terminally ill mother and sisters who turn every issue into something that is happening directly to them. We do try to not delve into their world of constant drama and BS by staying away from them as much as possible....boundaries! My husband chooses to stay away on his own free will, I don't push it, I don't need to......
On Saturday they have a family day at the Rehab facility. This day is meant to educate the family members via group discussions and an Addiction Specialist Physician lecture to talk about the science behind it. After these meetings we are allowed to attend a lunch off of the rehab center property with the entire group.
My husband's two sisters and his female cousin asked about going and seeing my husband. They only wanted to attend the lunch, but not go to the group meetings or Dr. lecture. I spoke with my husband and we both agreed that they should sit through the groups and lecture so they could learn about the disease of addiction. They are constantly saying "we want to help, but we don't know how".....well I told them "this is their chance, if you aren't coming to learn something, then what is the point?" and this is what I get in return:
Family:
The POINT of our visiting ____ this Saturday is because we would like to see him, and to let him know that we are here for him...that we support him. I don't really know that we need to have any other point to our visit.
With that being said, ____ is there for rehabilitation from alcoholism. He is there for counseling, education and treatment. Would it be helpful for us to learn more about alcoholism? Possibly...however, I'm sure you know that we can't fix this problem. Because you and ____ have chosen to "stay away", we have very little communication with him. I'm not sure how "learning" about alcoholism is going to help with that.
I think it is unfair for you and/or _____ to have expectations from family members who have been hurt by his behavior. His argument with his sister had her upset and in tears for days. _____ has said untrue things about me (his favorite cousin!). You have chosen to "unfriend" all of us from Facebook. The fact that we are willing to continue to support _____ after his on going drinking, DUI, Hit & Run, and two stints in Rehab says enough, doesn't it???
We are planning to drive 2.5 hours to visit with ____ this Saturday. We are taking that time away from our families and my visit with them. We could be visiting _____( his Mom) in the nursing home. Instead we are coming to visit _____ in an effort to let him know that we love him and that he is important to us.
I don't think you realize how much his sisters have on their plate right now...or do you even care? _____ is going to visit her mom every day or other day. She is trying to help her Dad cope with things...not only regarding Jeanne's condition but her physical needs and required medical care. They work. They have young children in school. And yet, they are going to spend their Saturday to visit _____.
While I have been typing this, I have had 2 little girls begging me to play a game, since I am only here for a short time. Instead, I am having to address your texts and explain to you things that I should not have to explain.
An answer to this email is not necessary or appreciated.
My Response:
I'll be sure to let ___ know how you all feel. If you were to attend any of support group you would learn that educating yourselves is the most important part of the process. The doc wants him to stay overnight, so he may just be coming home. So you won't have to worry about driving 2.5 hours and taking time away from your families.
Family:
How we feel is that we would like to visit _____ at rehab without any other expectations from you or _____. I do not agree that our education about alcoholism is the most important part of the process. If it were, they would have family day every day for 28 days, along with _____.
You need to realize that not everything is about you and _____. I feel YOU need the group meetings and education because you are an enabler. By allowing _____ to think that his alcoholism takes precedence over everything in his life and everyone else's, and that everyone is to blame for his problems, and that everyone else should "educate themselves" to fix his problem, is enabling.
_____is in rehab for himself...we don't need rehab. I am all too familiar with alcoholism and addiction and have been to Al Anon. The point of Al Anon is how to take care of yourself and to not be co-dependant and to not let your loved ones illness effect your life. This is help for the loved one...not help for Scott. You know we can't help _____.
We are trying to show him our support and you are trying to turn it into something negative and OUR fault. _____'s issues are NOT our fault...but we want to be here for him. We are happy to drive 2.5 hours to see him...otherwise we wouldn't have decided to come visit. My point is that should be enough...but it isn't enough for you.
Please let us know as soon as possible whether we will be able to visit on Saturday for lunch or if he is going home.
My Response:
Yep, guess you have it all figured out. Glad for you. These emails will be sure to help him.
Family:
These emails are directed to you, because you don't agree with HOW we visit with _____. I don't need you to be "my voice" to _____. Why would you try to upset him when he is in rehab? If you truly want _____ to get better, why would you take his focus away from his treatment? It is clearly your goal to alienate him from his family. It is obvious that you have told him not to talk to me about things and want to continue to stir the pot.
My Response:
If you would refer to my original text, _____ agrees with me, we talked about it. So it's not just me saying that education is key.
If you all need to think I'm purposely creating drama, so be it. I've got bigger issues to worry about. I can't control the way you think, so I'm not waisting any energy on it.
I've never had a goal to eliminate him from anything, I've never kept him from anyone and I've certainly never had anything then his best interests in mind. He makes his own decisions, right or wrong, they are his decisions.
How in the hell am I supposed to deal with this and stay sane????
I have done the leg work of getting him into a reputable rehab center and making sure his paperwork gets processed so he can keep his job and get paid....maybe enabling a little bit, but who wouldn't help that if it directly effects you? I do not help him in any other way.....there are consequences to his drinking.
He has terrible anxiety issues, a lot of it steaming from family issues. Overbearing Dad who constantly lectures, terminally ill mother and sisters who turn every issue into something that is happening directly to them. We do try to not delve into their world of constant drama and BS by staying away from them as much as possible....boundaries! My husband chooses to stay away on his own free will, I don't push it, I don't need to......
On Saturday they have a family day at the Rehab facility. This day is meant to educate the family members via group discussions and an Addiction Specialist Physician lecture to talk about the science behind it. After these meetings we are allowed to attend a lunch off of the rehab center property with the entire group.
My husband's two sisters and his female cousin asked about going and seeing my husband. They only wanted to attend the lunch, but not go to the group meetings or Dr. lecture. I spoke with my husband and we both agreed that they should sit through the groups and lecture so they could learn about the disease of addiction. They are constantly saying "we want to help, but we don't know how".....well I told them "this is their chance, if you aren't coming to learn something, then what is the point?" and this is what I get in return:
Family:
The POINT of our visiting ____ this Saturday is because we would like to see him, and to let him know that we are here for him...that we support him. I don't really know that we need to have any other point to our visit.
With that being said, ____ is there for rehabilitation from alcoholism. He is there for counseling, education and treatment. Would it be helpful for us to learn more about alcoholism? Possibly...however, I'm sure you know that we can't fix this problem. Because you and ____ have chosen to "stay away", we have very little communication with him. I'm not sure how "learning" about alcoholism is going to help with that.
I think it is unfair for you and/or _____ to have expectations from family members who have been hurt by his behavior. His argument with his sister had her upset and in tears for days. _____ has said untrue things about me (his favorite cousin!). You have chosen to "unfriend" all of us from Facebook. The fact that we are willing to continue to support _____ after his on going drinking, DUI, Hit & Run, and two stints in Rehab says enough, doesn't it???
We are planning to drive 2.5 hours to visit with ____ this Saturday. We are taking that time away from our families and my visit with them. We could be visiting _____( his Mom) in the nursing home. Instead we are coming to visit _____ in an effort to let him know that we love him and that he is important to us.
I don't think you realize how much his sisters have on their plate right now...or do you even care? _____ is going to visit her mom every day or other day. She is trying to help her Dad cope with things...not only regarding Jeanne's condition but her physical needs and required medical care. They work. They have young children in school. And yet, they are going to spend their Saturday to visit _____.
While I have been typing this, I have had 2 little girls begging me to play a game, since I am only here for a short time. Instead, I am having to address your texts and explain to you things that I should not have to explain.
An answer to this email is not necessary or appreciated.
My Response:
I'll be sure to let ___ know how you all feel. If you were to attend any of support group you would learn that educating yourselves is the most important part of the process. The doc wants him to stay overnight, so he may just be coming home. So you won't have to worry about driving 2.5 hours and taking time away from your families.
Family:
How we feel is that we would like to visit _____ at rehab without any other expectations from you or _____. I do not agree that our education about alcoholism is the most important part of the process. If it were, they would have family day every day for 28 days, along with _____.
You need to realize that not everything is about you and _____. I feel YOU need the group meetings and education because you are an enabler. By allowing _____ to think that his alcoholism takes precedence over everything in his life and everyone else's, and that everyone is to blame for his problems, and that everyone else should "educate themselves" to fix his problem, is enabling.
_____is in rehab for himself...we don't need rehab. I am all too familiar with alcoholism and addiction and have been to Al Anon. The point of Al Anon is how to take care of yourself and to not be co-dependant and to not let your loved ones illness effect your life. This is help for the loved one...not help for Scott. You know we can't help _____.
We are trying to show him our support and you are trying to turn it into something negative and OUR fault. _____'s issues are NOT our fault...but we want to be here for him. We are happy to drive 2.5 hours to see him...otherwise we wouldn't have decided to come visit. My point is that should be enough...but it isn't enough for you.
Please let us know as soon as possible whether we will be able to visit on Saturday for lunch or if he is going home.
My Response:
Yep, guess you have it all figured out. Glad for you. These emails will be sure to help him.
Family:
These emails are directed to you, because you don't agree with HOW we visit with _____. I don't need you to be "my voice" to _____. Why would you try to upset him when he is in rehab? If you truly want _____ to get better, why would you take his focus away from his treatment? It is clearly your goal to alienate him from his family. It is obvious that you have told him not to talk to me about things and want to continue to stir the pot.
My Response:
If you would refer to my original text, _____ agrees with me, we talked about it. So it's not just me saying that education is key.
If you all need to think I'm purposely creating drama, so be it. I've got bigger issues to worry about. I can't control the way you think, so I'm not waisting any energy on it.
I've never had a goal to eliminate him from anything, I've never kept him from anyone and I've certainly never had anything then his best interests in mind. He makes his own decisions, right or wrong, they are his decisions.
How in the hell am I supposed to deal with this and stay sane????
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
well ya start by staying out of other's people's business. if they want to just visit, that's their choice. if they don't want to sit thru a lecture, their choice.
the end of the first reply was AN ANSWER TO THIS IS NOT NECESSARY, and yet you answered. you entire message is very condescending and disrespectful....the snark about them driving 2.5 hours, he might not even be there, the opportunity THEY are missing out on, telling them what they SHOULD do, and since they declined to do it your way, more snark about how they must have it all figured out.
sorry, you created your own drama here.
the end of the first reply was AN ANSWER TO THIS IS NOT NECESSARY, and yet you answered. you entire message is very condescending and disrespectful....the snark about them driving 2.5 hours, he might not even be there, the opportunity THEY are missing out on, telling them what they SHOULD do, and since they declined to do it your way, more snark about how they must have it all figured out.
sorry, you created your own drama here.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
Personally, I would back out of it if I were you. COMPLETELY. Which includes not arguing with them or taking their bait, even if they're wrong, even if they're condescending, and even if they blame you.
That said, every rehab my AH went to stated that if you came to visit, you were required to attend classes also. People who were uninterested in participating in the educational aspect of the program were considered part of the problem by the rehab facility.
Finally, in my experience with my STBXAH, the in-laws were the most frustrating and infuriating piece of the puzzle. Here were the people who had the most direct influence apart from me, who were lifetime enablers, who refused to see how they played a part in his addiction, and who refused to take part in any treatment program until the minute I said that I wasn't going to shoulder this problem on my own and dumped my AH on their doorstep, and whose "support" was completely a function of talk and no substance up until that point, and despite every opportunity to do well, they chose to blame me. They still blame me. His addiction existed before me and after me, but they blame me. My best defense is not engaging at all with their pettiness, drama, blame, and patterns of dysfunction. When I am feeling empathetic, I recognize that they have a lot of patterns of addiction, codependency, and ACOA up and down the family tree (I do too), which helps me understand and forgive their pettiness.
Remember: "No" is a complete sentence. You don't have to be the gatekeeper of their visit. If they want to visit him in rehab, it's their business.
Welcome to SR. This place is great. Saved my life.
That said, every rehab my AH went to stated that if you came to visit, you were required to attend classes also. People who were uninterested in participating in the educational aspect of the program were considered part of the problem by the rehab facility.
Finally, in my experience with my STBXAH, the in-laws were the most frustrating and infuriating piece of the puzzle. Here were the people who had the most direct influence apart from me, who were lifetime enablers, who refused to see how they played a part in his addiction, and who refused to take part in any treatment program until the minute I said that I wasn't going to shoulder this problem on my own and dumped my AH on their doorstep, and whose "support" was completely a function of talk and no substance up until that point, and despite every opportunity to do well, they chose to blame me. They still blame me. His addiction existed before me and after me, but they blame me. My best defense is not engaging at all with their pettiness, drama, blame, and patterns of dysfunction. When I am feeling empathetic, I recognize that they have a lot of patterns of addiction, codependency, and ACOA up and down the family tree (I do too), which helps me understand and forgive their pettiness.
Remember: "No" is a complete sentence. You don't have to be the gatekeeper of their visit. If they want to visit him in rehab, it's their business.
Welcome to SR. This place is great. Saved my life.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
I would suggest Detach Detach Detach ~
We are powerless not only over alcoholics but also over people places and things ~
We cannot not make people see things our way, the way the program offers them help or the way the treatment center wants to offer them help
sometimes with family ~ I learned I just had to accept ~ no matter what I was always going to look like that bad guy ~ that was ok - I knew I wasn't, my HP knew I wasn't ~
Detach and do what is healthiest for YOU
pink hugs
We are powerless not only over alcoholics but also over people places and things ~
We cannot not make people see things our way, the way the program offers them help or the way the treatment center wants to offer them help
sometimes with family ~ I learned I just had to accept ~ no matter what I was always going to look like that bad guy ~ that was ok - I knew I wasn't, my HP knew I wasn't ~
Detach and do what is healthiest for YOU
pink hugs
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
That said, every rehab my AH went to stated that if you came to visit, you were required to attend classes also. People who were uninterested in participating in the educational aspect of the program were considered part of the problem by the rehab facility.
I'd step back and tell them to interact directly with the rehab center if they wanted to know details about the visit and what's expected.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
I would take a step back and allow the extended family to have the relationship that they choose to have.
I would not micromanage this situation, it would drive me nuts, I know I have zero control over what others think, say and do, once I really understood this, MY life was less stressful.
The only person i can control is ME, and in knowing that, my inner strength and peace of mind have returned. If you don't want to feel like you currently do, i can only suggest turn your focus inward.
How are you doing today, Noelani91 ?
I would not micromanage this situation, it would drive me nuts, I know I have zero control over what others think, say and do, once I really understood this, MY life was less stressful.
The only person i can control is ME, and in knowing that, my inner strength and peace of mind have returned. If you don't want to feel like you currently do, i can only suggest turn your focus inward.
How are you doing today, Noelani91 ?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New York
Posts: 877
Hi Noelani,
I agree with everyone that you would be better off staying out of the whole thing and I also agree you took your MIL's bait.
That said, I have to defend you a little bit on this one. Your MIL sounds like a total and complete whack job!!!! I can totally see how she drives you completely crazy and how you got sucked into fighting with her. I don't know if I could have kept my cool had I received an email like hers. I have such a temper, I probably would have written back something much worse than you did.
Her email didn't even make any sense. She's saying they want to drive up there for lunch and then complaining the whole time about having to do it. The best thing for your mental health would be to have as little as possible to do with that woman. I was triggered reading her email. It really kind of disturbed me on a deep level.
FWIW, we aren't supposed to post emails on SR. I'm giving you a head's up that someone might come along and scold you for it. I just want you to prepared because your day is sucking so badly already.
We are here for you. Please keep checking in.
Hugs.
Sent from my iPhone using SoberRecovery
I agree with everyone that you would be better off staying out of the whole thing and I also agree you took your MIL's bait.
That said, I have to defend you a little bit on this one. Your MIL sounds like a total and complete whack job!!!! I can totally see how she drives you completely crazy and how you got sucked into fighting with her. I don't know if I could have kept my cool had I received an email like hers. I have such a temper, I probably would have written back something much worse than you did.
Her email didn't even make any sense. She's saying they want to drive up there for lunch and then complaining the whole time about having to do it. The best thing for your mental health would be to have as little as possible to do with that woman. I was triggered reading her email. It really kind of disturbed me on a deep level.
FWIW, we aren't supposed to post emails on SR. I'm giving you a head's up that someone might come along and scold you for it. I just want you to prepared because your day is sucking so badly already.
We are here for you. Please keep checking in.
Hugs.
Sent from my iPhone using SoberRecovery
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Noelani, You need to be sucked into this family dysfunction like you need a hole in the head right now. I would just quietly back away, if I were you. Perhaps, consider it your husband's responsibility for handling his family---the communications, responsibilities, and all embassador work. Your responsibility--just to be civil when necessary and conducting yourself with maturity. This position, if adopted, would require a great deal of detachment on your part. Personally, I don't see any other way to retain your sanity.
You have my empathy. In-law problems can be as painful and hurtful as problems with your family. In my experience, the more you get involved in another's family dysfunctions--the deeper you sink into the swamp. I would rather play with a bee hive.
This is my take on it......
dandylion
You have my empathy. In-law problems can be as painful and hurtful as problems with your family. In my experience, the more you get involved in another's family dysfunctions--the deeper you sink into the swamp. I would rather play with a bee hive.
This is my take on it......
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
I'll tell you that I did the same thing with my AH's work n insurance/ job saving during his horrific aftermath of his motorcycle accident. That, in my opinion wasn't enabling. It was protecting what he had worked for all those years and he would need it to cover the hospital bills. He was in the trauma center fora while, back n forth with plastic susurgeons n neurological care n brain surgery. So saving his medical was a must.
Now, the in laws. My husband gave his family up in October of last year. They were the last to know of his accident. They too are drunks. Once they found out, they were like flies on sh*t n I couldn't deal with them so I blocked them from the hospital. If he'd of went to rehab, I'd block them there too. I had let 5 people, me included, have access to him and it was password sensitive.
It took a lot of the bullshėt*t out of an already stressful situation for me and him since it was his choice to give them up in the first place. If that works for you n your husband, DO IT! My husband's family has not called or came over since the week of his accident which occurred on 7/3/13.
Now, the in laws. My husband gave his family up in October of last year. They were the last to know of his accident. They too are drunks. Once they found out, they were like flies on sh*t n I couldn't deal with them so I blocked them from the hospital. If he'd of went to rehab, I'd block them there too. I had let 5 people, me included, have access to him and it was password sensitive.
It took a lot of the bullshėt*t out of an already stressful situation for me and him since it was his choice to give them up in the first place. If that works for you n your husband, DO IT! My husband's family has not called or came over since the week of his accident which occurred on 7/3/13.
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