He said nothing wrong - but everything he said made me angry
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 524
He said nothing wrong - but everything he said made me angry
I guess the anger is finally here. I've been angry for 6 years, but seeing my husband surrender, enter treatment on his own and really embrace alcoholism, I have felt less angry than I have in our whole marriage. I was able to say "whew..ok..he knows now" and I don't have to wonder any longer if he is a monster. He's not. He's an addict and that seems for now, better. Better than thinking I married a monster. It makes sense. And since he knows it too - even better.
But he called (for the second time - been in treatment since 10/7) and I said I had a cold - he said everyone "here" has a cold too - That made me mad.
He said he was doing ok, learning a lot, talking to a lot of really good people, good therapists, but that was feeling penned up and said something about hitting the 15 day mark and I felt angry.
I said I didn't want to dart a bunch of questions at him, I know he only had a few minutes to talk - and he said I could write him a letter and I said I didn't want to interefere with his recovery and he said something like "everyone here" is getting letters. More saying that it is ok if I wanted to-- not that he was upset that I wasn't sending...And I said well everyone THERE should be focusing on their recovery. And then I said I really didn't know what I should be doing or not doing (yes I know take care of myself) and he suggested I talk to his primary (he was trying to be nice) but that made me angry too.
It just made me feel angry and honest to goodness, he didn't say anything wrong. He really didn't. I mean if everyone THERE has a cold there is nothing wrong with saying that and so on.
But he called (for the second time - been in treatment since 10/7) and I said I had a cold - he said everyone "here" has a cold too - That made me mad.
He said he was doing ok, learning a lot, talking to a lot of really good people, good therapists, but that was feeling penned up and said something about hitting the 15 day mark and I felt angry.
I said I didn't want to dart a bunch of questions at him, I know he only had a few minutes to talk - and he said I could write him a letter and I said I didn't want to interefere with his recovery and he said something like "everyone here" is getting letters. More saying that it is ok if I wanted to-- not that he was upset that I wasn't sending...And I said well everyone THERE should be focusing on their recovery. And then I said I really didn't know what I should be doing or not doing (yes I know take care of myself) and he suggested I talk to his primary (he was trying to be nice) but that made me angry too.
It just made me feel angry and honest to goodness, he didn't say anything wrong. He really didn't. I mean if everyone THERE has a cold there is nothing wrong with saying that and so on.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
You've been angry for 6 years - that's not going to go away overnight, so don't beat yourself up over it. Crap builds up, and when you're in survival mode, big stuff gets pushed to the wayside to deal with bigger stuff. Not only that, partners of A's often put on a HUGE happy face for the sake of a decent life for those around them....then, when you get a much needed breather, all the crap pushed to the way side starts sliding back in front of you.
You are right - take care of yourself. It is time. (((HUGS))) I empathize with you so much right now. NOTHING about alcoholism and or recovery is easy, and it spares no one within arms reach any pain.
You are right - take care of yourself. It is time. (((HUGS))) I empathize with you so much right now. NOTHING about alcoholism and or recovery is easy, and it spares no one within arms reach any pain.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
Originally Posted by meggem 
I mean if everyone THERE has a cold there is nothing wrong with saying that and so on.
Well...I think of it this way. If I have pulled a cookie sheet out of the oven without an oven mitt over and over, and have burned my hand over and over, eventually that burn scar tissue will be very sensitive to even "normal" touch.
I don't know about your A, but mine has always been a master at minimizing and belittling my experiences and feelings. To me, if my AH responded "well everyone HERE has a cold," given our history, I would hear that as "quit complaining because everybody has colds and your'e not special and you're certainly not suffering and you're DEFINITELY not suffering as much as anyone else." Not the most rational reaction to the statement, but I also know what lies behind the statement. I suppose the hard part is learning NOT to react that way to people OTHER than your A. Because a totally normal, sane, sober person could make the exact same statement, and mean it in a way that says "that really sucks...yeah, this stuff is going around and it's no fun."
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 38
Originally Posted by firebolt
Not only that, partners of A's often put on a HUGE happy face for the sake of a decent life for those around them....then, when you get a much needed breather, all the crap pushed to the way side starts sliding back in front of you.
.
.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Melbourne Australia.
Posts: 3,748
Alcoholics can be extremely difficult to live with, especially for a long duration.
When they go in to de tox, and hopefully continue with appropriate treatment, there is a long recovery process to be applied. Things tend to improve in the long term rather than the short.
As for spouses and those who have suffered alcoholics, the expectations may be extraordinarily high. The alkie isn't going to turn into a saint over night. Perhaps, where the recovering person shows reasonable efforts a little more tolerance can be shown.
It is a two way street and even the major and sober sufferer, more than likely, has a few faults of their own as well.
When they go in to de tox, and hopefully continue with appropriate treatment, there is a long recovery process to be applied. Things tend to improve in the long term rather than the short.
As for spouses and those who have suffered alcoholics, the expectations may be extraordinarily high. The alkie isn't going to turn into a saint over night. Perhaps, where the recovering person shows reasonable efforts a little more tolerance can be shown.
It is a two way street and even the major and sober sufferer, more than likely, has a few faults of their own as well.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 45
Meggem - I don't know your story due to my one and only thread but one thing I can tell you is anger is definitely there for you and there is absolutely nothing wrong with it. Last time I met with my therapist she got this one sentence out of me, "I feel cheated," hence my one and only thread title and the way I feel. When I said that I was shocked at myself. I had never said it out loud. I had that feeling buried way down deep inside. I started to cry when it came out of my mouth. I can no longer live life the way I enjoy it. I have to change almost everything especially the things I hold dear (I do control the remote) to accommodate AH's life hangups. My therapist smiled and calmly said good after I said that magical sentence out loud.
For me it was really great to get that out. I felt so much better afterwards. I still have a long way to go and I don't know if my marriage is going to last but realizing that one thing that makes me angry about the whole situation was golden. It took awhile to get there but it happened.
Point being - it's okay to be mad. I'm sure he has put you through a lot without ever thinking twice about how you feel. Be mad, cry, and be happy. Just don't let any of those emotions last too long.
For me it was really great to get that out. I felt so much better afterwards. I still have a long way to go and I don't know if my marriage is going to last but realizing that one thing that makes me angry about the whole situation was golden. It took awhile to get there but it happened.
Point being - it's okay to be mad. I'm sure he has put you through a lot without ever thinking twice about how you feel. Be mad, cry, and be happy. Just don't let any of those emotions last too long.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
You have a recovery and a process to go through, too, and it is just as important and legitimate as his recovery.
So if you're not ready to engage with him, you don't have to. Just because he is in rehab does not mean that your feelings have been acknowledged and dealt with.
I don't know about you, but I can get through a crisis with flying colors. Even maybe a 6 year crisis living with an alcoholic. You do what you have to do, because what is the alternative? And then when the pressure is off, maybe like when he is in rehab, all those feelings that have been suppressed or bypassed come out. And that's fine. You need to be able to live on your own timetable, be in contact with him when you want to, and not when you don't.
And for me, by the end, I was very afraid of my now XAH, and quite battered by his verbal abuse. So leaving him was for me moving into a safe place, a safe life, safe relationships with my adult kids, and I felt comfortable enough to let myself feel what I was feeling.
It may be a heads-up to your AH that part of the eventual recovery of your marriage will have to do with your feelings having equal importance to his.
Hang in there,
ShootingStar1
So if you're not ready to engage with him, you don't have to. Just because he is in rehab does not mean that your feelings have been acknowledged and dealt with.
I don't know about you, but I can get through a crisis with flying colors. Even maybe a 6 year crisis living with an alcoholic. You do what you have to do, because what is the alternative? And then when the pressure is off, maybe like when he is in rehab, all those feelings that have been suppressed or bypassed come out. And that's fine. You need to be able to live on your own timetable, be in contact with him when you want to, and not when you don't.
And for me, by the end, I was very afraid of my now XAH, and quite battered by his verbal abuse. So leaving him was for me moving into a safe place, a safe life, safe relationships with my adult kids, and I felt comfortable enough to let myself feel what I was feeling.
It may be a heads-up to your AH that part of the eventual recovery of your marriage will have to do with your feelings having equal importance to his.
Hang in there,
ShootingStar1
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 342
I hear you. Just want to join in and acknowledge your feelings. Why wouldn't you feel angry, after all your AH just decided to get some help after all these years and now he's there with no other responsibilities except to take care of himself. Meanwhile you are still taking care of everything that has to get done and spent so long dealing with his cr*p. On top of that he probably doesn't even have a clue of what he put you through or what life would be like if you just decided to drop the ball.
Take some time to just focus on you, leave him to his recovery. Maybe work on not feeling so isolated, expand your horizons.
Give yourself acknowledgement and compassion. So what you were angry today and it seemed for no reason. It's ok, tomorrow is a new day.
Sometimes our anger is meant to tell us things we need to know about ourselves. Like maybe we take on too much responsibility for other's well being, responsibility that is better left for that other to take while we take more time for enhancing our own lives.
(((HUGS))) Enjoy your time with your children, I'm sure you can find lots of joy and laughter focusing on yourself and them.
Take some time to just focus on you, leave him to his recovery. Maybe work on not feeling so isolated, expand your horizons.
Give yourself acknowledgement and compassion. So what you were angry today and it seemed for no reason. It's ok, tomorrow is a new day.
Sometimes our anger is meant to tell us things we need to know about ourselves. Like maybe we take on too much responsibility for other's well being, responsibility that is better left for that other to take while we take more time for enhancing our own lives.
(((HUGS))) Enjoy your time with your children, I'm sure you can find lots of joy and laughter focusing on yourself and them.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
So whats wrong with being angry? Don't you think that after all this time, anger is justified? I know if you went to family day at rehab, you'd meet a lot of other angry family members.
So be angry. Drive out to the woods and scream your head off. Throw rocks (not at him, though!) Write him hateful letters and then burn them in the fireplace. For heaven's sake, don't hold it in, especially since he's not around and you have the freedom to feel it and work through it.
Just let yourself feel. It's ok to be angry.
So be angry. Drive out to the woods and scream your head off. Throw rocks (not at him, though!) Write him hateful letters and then burn them in the fireplace. For heaven's sake, don't hold it in, especially since he's not around and you have the freedom to feel it and work through it.
Just let yourself feel. It's ok to be angry.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 45
I'm angry too really I mean insanely pissed. Sitting on an A bomb of very nasty insults that have built up through frustration and agony over the years and I feel like delivering these in absolute calm cold blooded hateful mean ass manner that I can muster. Kind of I Wish You Were Dead anger. Mines obviously been building up for a while and I pity the fool who messes with me right now. I am the nice quiet and shy person. Or was anyway.
But these qualifiers will drive you to the breaking point. I am there. You sound to me like you are still working to play nice. Good luck with that but take action I've waited far too long and you don't want to let them drive you like they have driven me to the absolute end of your freaking rope.
Once you get tired of crying that anger is going to be there sitting underneath it. Find whatever way you can to awknowlege and express it because it will eat you alive. I really wish I'd learned Al Anon principles sooner before it permeated my soul like it did. It's going to take a mighty effort to conquer this.
But these qualifiers will drive you to the breaking point. I am there. You sound to me like you are still working to play nice. Good luck with that but take action I've waited far too long and you don't want to let them drive you like they have driven me to the absolute end of your freaking rope.
Once you get tired of crying that anger is going to be there sitting underneath it. Find whatever way you can to awknowlege and express it because it will eat you alive. I really wish I'd learned Al Anon principles sooner before it permeated my soul like it did. It's going to take a mighty effort to conquer this.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
