74 year old AH drinking and going downhill
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 274
74 year old AH drinking and going downhill
Don't know if anyone here with an older AH or partner< AH came out of hospital after the hematoma in early August and cut drinking right down when we had carers but now they have stopped it is starting again and is around half to a litre of vodka a day. I am worried it is interacting with his medication especially his blood pressure pills. We have different doctors but his seems to think he has cut down or stopped! I feel AH is going downhill. Not able to sleep that well because he is up int he night to go to the loo and he is coughing a lot. he has had an irritable bladder but I think the alcohol is making it worse. He does need supervising when cooking because he burns the pans. He has also started again to get words mudlded up. He is very deaf but we hopefully are working towards getting a hearing aid. I cannot easily leave him to go out - scared he will fall and/or let cats out. I have given up my pilates, vol work, and seeing my father and friends. He has lost 3" in height and I do feel if he falls, he could seriously fracture something. He has said he would take sleeping pills to help him sleep, but I worry that could make him choke, given the violence of his coughing fits.
He has said he does not want to go back into hospital again EVER and if he falls, I am to leave him and if I call the ES he will send them away - he can do this if he has 'mental capacity. in the UK.
He has said he wants to die and I have to confess that at times I wish he would die to, then I feel guilty given that a lot of our 22 years of marriage was very good. I do not know how to help him - I don't think anyone can and he is just an accident waiting to happen.
I just PRAY I am strong enough to hang on in there and get through. Thank god for my cats.
He has started muddling words again - cheese on toast when he meant 'cheese and biscuits' and he got a bit muddled as to where we were going when we went for his blood pressure and check up but he h it his head on the kitchen cabinet a couple of days ago. I know he has atrophy so he is very vulnerable to hematoma's. He has lumps on his back which could be the lupus or a reaction to the drugs.
If anyone still reading is with a functioning alcoholic, then my advice would be get out whilst you can, it will get worse and it is truly heartbreaking to watch the late stages, because this is what I feel it is with AH.
Thanks for listening - not slept well.
He has said he does not want to go back into hospital again EVER and if he falls, I am to leave him and if I call the ES he will send them away - he can do this if he has 'mental capacity. in the UK.
He has said he wants to die and I have to confess that at times I wish he would die to, then I feel guilty given that a lot of our 22 years of marriage was very good. I do not know how to help him - I don't think anyone can and he is just an accident waiting to happen.
I just PRAY I am strong enough to hang on in there and get through. Thank god for my cats.
He has started muddling words again - cheese on toast when he meant 'cheese and biscuits' and he got a bit muddled as to where we were going when we went for his blood pressure and check up but he h it his head on the kitchen cabinet a couple of days ago. I know he has atrophy so he is very vulnerable to hematoma's. He has lumps on his back which could be the lupus or a reaction to the drugs.
If anyone still reading is with a functioning alcoholic, then my advice would be get out whilst you can, it will get worse and it is truly heartbreaking to watch the late stages, because this is what I feel it is with AH.
Thanks for listening - not slept well.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Hi Quish, it sound like you are staying, just know that I am listening. I care about you. If you get a chance to get out, can you go to an alanon meeting?
You know you can always come here just to chat or vent.
You know you can always come here just to chat or vent.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 1,478
Yeah, I guess my AH would be considered a functioning A. He goes to work, makes really intelligent business deals/decisions, he's very respected in his field and has been a great provider to our family, but somewhere in there he finds time for alcohol. This week he has been dry because I caught him. I didn't say anything, it is his owns guilt because he's a sneak drinker, like he thinks we don't know he's been drinking.
I have to say, your post makes my silently weep and very afraid. I will be praying for your strength and thanks for sharing.
I have to say, your post makes my silently weep and very afraid. I will be praying for your strength and thanks for sharing.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 274
Thanks amy and dreamsofserenity - your support does mean a lot. Katchie - you make me cry too -not silently because you sound like ME 10 years ago. I had a lovely life and to a degree, I buried my head in the sand. Yes AH was very controlling but we had a joint business and were very happy. What I didn't understand is how progressive alcoholism is and how it affects the brain chemistry. I am in no position to give anyone advice having messed up my own life, but PLEASE keep your own bank account and financial independence. I do hope your ah gets help but these high achievers often find it hard to ask for and accept help.AH has 47 patents and was an expert in his field.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
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Quish, it may be time for you to talk directly with his main doctor. The symptoms he has, while likely related or exacerbated by his alcoholism, could also be symptoms of other diseases that can be treated. If he has dementia, I believe there is now medication that may help.
And you may be entitled to home health aid for him, or perhaps some kind of care givers support so that you can get out of the house once in a while.
I am so sorry for the situation you are in, and I can empathize. My AH was 69 years old when I left home, married almost 20 years. He was also a scientist, many patents, a brilliant and witty man.
It is such a bitter devastating loss to see such a person disintegrate before your eyes. I found myself mourning him even as I lived with him. There is an Alison Krause song called "Ghost In The House" "I'm all that's left of 2 hearts on fire that once burned out of control you took my body and soul I'm just a ghost in this house." "There's another ghost in this house He sits down in your chair and he shines with your light and he lays down his head on your pillow at night."
I left a year ago on July 4th when his cross addiction to porn, his narcissism and verbal abuse became intolerable, and the divorce was final this past June.
In the meantime, he did sober up to a great extent, and with that, he also contained the porn so that it was not controlling his life. He said that he did so because he was horrified to realize what he had done to me, which came out in the divorce filings, and didn't want to do that again to anyone. His health improved and he stopped falling down, burning pans, breaking glasses, and generally became much more functional. Like you, I think that his blood pressure and heart medicines were probably interacting badly with the alcohol in addiction to the general devastation of increasing alcoholism. However, I think that he burned out a great deal of his brilliance; his mind is not the razor sharp creative intelligence that he had before, but he is functioning well again.
The sticky "What is Abuse" on the top of the Friends and Families of Alcoholics forum page has my story in it. I finally had to make a choice between losing my soul and my capacity to function if I stayed with him, or leaving him to his own choices. After almost a year, when the divorce was almost done, he had recovered enough to want me to come back to him and promise to be better.
But I had seen enough and read and learned so much about abuse and narcissism and alcoholism that, at 63, I realized that if I went back, I would not have another chance to get out, and he hadn't really changed the bedrock of his behavior or attitudes.
He had already found another woman and was spending most of his time at her house, so I wasn't as essential as I had thought I was.
The choice to stay on my own when he wanted me back was incredibly painful, and I again mourned the life we once had, and the expectations and dreams I had for our retirement. But that was a pipe dream. He was still drinking, much less, but still drinking. And he still had bouts of irrational angry abusive behavior toward me. Nothing changes if nothing changes, even if there is a temporary lull that lulls us into believing in our hopes, not the facts of our lives.
I guess what I am saying is that you are free to look at this situation on your own behalf and choose what is best for you, no matter what the consequences.
My best to you, PM me if you want,
ShootingStar1
And you may be entitled to home health aid for him, or perhaps some kind of care givers support so that you can get out of the house once in a while.
I am so sorry for the situation you are in, and I can empathize. My AH was 69 years old when I left home, married almost 20 years. He was also a scientist, many patents, a brilliant and witty man.
It is such a bitter devastating loss to see such a person disintegrate before your eyes. I found myself mourning him even as I lived with him. There is an Alison Krause song called "Ghost In The House" "I'm all that's left of 2 hearts on fire that once burned out of control you took my body and soul I'm just a ghost in this house." "There's another ghost in this house He sits down in your chair and he shines with your light and he lays down his head on your pillow at night."
I left a year ago on July 4th when his cross addiction to porn, his narcissism and verbal abuse became intolerable, and the divorce was final this past June.
In the meantime, he did sober up to a great extent, and with that, he also contained the porn so that it was not controlling his life. He said that he did so because he was horrified to realize what he had done to me, which came out in the divorce filings, and didn't want to do that again to anyone. His health improved and he stopped falling down, burning pans, breaking glasses, and generally became much more functional. Like you, I think that his blood pressure and heart medicines were probably interacting badly with the alcohol in addiction to the general devastation of increasing alcoholism. However, I think that he burned out a great deal of his brilliance; his mind is not the razor sharp creative intelligence that he had before, but he is functioning well again.
The sticky "What is Abuse" on the top of the Friends and Families of Alcoholics forum page has my story in it. I finally had to make a choice between losing my soul and my capacity to function if I stayed with him, or leaving him to his own choices. After almost a year, when the divorce was almost done, he had recovered enough to want me to come back to him and promise to be better.
But I had seen enough and read and learned so much about abuse and narcissism and alcoholism that, at 63, I realized that if I went back, I would not have another chance to get out, and he hadn't really changed the bedrock of his behavior or attitudes.
He had already found another woman and was spending most of his time at her house, so I wasn't as essential as I had thought I was.
The choice to stay on my own when he wanted me back was incredibly painful, and I again mourned the life we once had, and the expectations and dreams I had for our retirement. But that was a pipe dream. He was still drinking, much less, but still drinking. And he still had bouts of irrational angry abusive behavior toward me. Nothing changes if nothing changes, even if there is a temporary lull that lulls us into believing in our hopes, not the facts of our lives.
I guess what I am saying is that you are free to look at this situation on your own behalf and choose what is best for you, no matter what the consequences.
My best to you, PM me if you want,
ShootingStar1
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 274
Thanks SS - I do appreciate your comments and will PM you when I know more.
I am going with AH to his doctors on Monday and will try and tactfully mention that the drinking is increasingly and MAYBE that might be interacting with the blood pressure, gout, bladder, lupus medications. However, it is only recently I have been allowed to go with him and I think that is because he is deaf and cannot easily hear the doctor.
I don't want the doctor to 'give up' on AH though - feel his last doctor did at the last surgery - he is still my doctor.
I have applied for help but have been turned down because apparently he can look after himself and feed himself - but only the other day he put the ring on, filled the frying pan with butter, and called British Gas! It only takes one 'accident' to start a fire. BTW it takes an age to get through to British Gas in the UK.
I shall be appealing and do need doctor on side. I feel that maybe the 'wooliness' is due to the interaction with the pills - well I am agreeing that it is . Not sure how to progress dementia - after brain surgery it is not the right time according to surgeon in hospital as it takes a while to settle down.
I do need to get some sleep. I have recently lost one of my beloved cats - 17.5 late stage kidney failure and it hit me very hard. I spent the last 10 weeks caring for him and hand feeding him and I guess this was my focus, and took my mind of my problems.
Thanks to you all. I haven't posted much recently, but I do read a lot of the new posts and just feel so much for everyone. We can only do our best.
I am going with AH to his doctors on Monday and will try and tactfully mention that the drinking is increasingly and MAYBE that might be interacting with the blood pressure, gout, bladder, lupus medications. However, it is only recently I have been allowed to go with him and I think that is because he is deaf and cannot easily hear the doctor.
I don't want the doctor to 'give up' on AH though - feel his last doctor did at the last surgery - he is still my doctor.
I have applied for help but have been turned down because apparently he can look after himself and feed himself - but only the other day he put the ring on, filled the frying pan with butter, and called British Gas! It only takes one 'accident' to start a fire. BTW it takes an age to get through to British Gas in the UK.
I shall be appealing and do need doctor on side. I feel that maybe the 'wooliness' is due to the interaction with the pills - well I am agreeing that it is . Not sure how to progress dementia - after brain surgery it is not the right time according to surgeon in hospital as it takes a while to settle down.
I do need to get some sleep. I have recently lost one of my beloved cats - 17.5 late stage kidney failure and it hit me very hard. I spent the last 10 weeks caring for him and hand feeding him and I guess this was my focus, and took my mind of my problems.
Thanks to you all. I haven't posted much recently, but I do read a lot of the new posts and just feel so much for everyone. We can only do our best.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 565
Originally Posted by Quish16 
I do hope your ah gets help but these high achievers often find it hard to ask for and accept help.
I am so sorry for what you are going through. You are wise to reach out for help for yourself, even as you prepare to manage your husband's health issues. I hope you can continue to make yourself a priority.
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