wifeofanACoA

I have been working toward leaving. But now I second guess myself (been here so many times) and think is it possible?... He tells me that his alcoholic upbringing didn't affect him at all. Is this true? I feel like my head is rotating and about to fall off. Can he be unaffected and the problem really just not be any of that at all?.... genuinely asking

suki44883

There is an ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholic) forum here. Check it out. It isn't a pretty picture. Growing up in an alcoholic environment is definitely detrimental.

dandylion

wifeOf an ACoA, Living in an alcoholic environment affect everyone in the family to one extent or another. This does not mean that the person necessarily recognizes these effects. It also does not NECESSARILY mean that the offspring will fall to the alcoholism, themselves. There can be other behavioral outcomes, besides alcoholism from one's family of origin ( that may or may not have contained alcoholism/addictions).

An example might be Dr. Phil and his wife--they have both been very open about the fact that both of their homes were alcoholic (their Dads). They have both talked about the affect that it had o n them--even though they avoided alcohol (became teetotalers) in their adult lives.

I hope this helps some. These are my observations.

dandylion

amy55

My response here might not be very popular. I stayed in my marriage for over 25years. Yes my ex was an alcoholic, but I felt it was much more then that. I started to see disturbing signs in my son. He would black out and lose days at a time. My son also drank, but not to where this would be happening, and I noticed signs of this going back to when he was 10.

I stayed as long as I did, because stupidly I believed that if I could open up my ex's eyes that he might have a mental illness, bi-polar, and if he would take meds for it, then it might convince my son to do the same.

Alcoholism is sometimes the symptom of something bigger.

note though - my son was very depressed growing up, lost a scholarship, lost days of his life, didn't even remember this, wasn't drinking then, he is doing pretty well now, getting married, has a good job, but I still worry that he might turn back into Mr Hyde again.

Don't know if that was useful or not, but take what you can, and leave the rest

BtheChange

Hi wifeofanACoA,
I'm going to be a little blunt here. While I agree with Dandylion that living in an alcoholic environment affects everyone is some way, it really doesn't matter what happened to him as a child. In reading your posts, you have described how he is unpredictable and verbally and emotionally abusive to you. That kind of abuse is incredibly damaging to a person's self-regard. Let's just say he is right, that he wasn't affected at all by having an alcoholic father. He is still abusive and doesn't want to acknowledge how his behavior hurts you.

A man who loves you wants to protect you, and cherishes the special things that make you, YOU. He wants to know you deeply, and is concerned about the things that concern you. He is grateful for all you do to make a comfortable home, to raise children with real character, to continue to grow as your own person independent of a marriage. There are things about you that he adores, and he tells you about those things, whether it's in a look, or words, or a gentle touch. From reading your posts, it sounds like you don't have that. And I don't mean sometimes you get a glimpse of that, I mean on a dependable, steady, daily basis.

Frankly, verbally and emotionally abusive men don't get better without doing A LOT of work on themselves in some kind of therapy. They usually just get worse. And often their wives stay in the marriage because they have become disoriented by the abuse (that rotating head feeling). Abuse negates the marriage contract. Leaving an abusive husband is not breaking up a marriage, it is leaving abuse.

I am rooting for you and all the other women who might read this, who are in a similar situation. I was there once myself and while I'm glad I left, I know that I have a lot of work to do on myself and my patterns in relationships so that I don't end up in the same situation again. You seem to have a similar view, having gone to counseling yourself, and realizing that leaving doesn't solve all the problems. It does, however, allow you to take care of your emotional health in a way that you can't when you live with abuse.

wifeofanACoA

All very helpful things to hear. It's moments like these (when I feel confused and as though I can just stay here and handle it) that I'm thankful for this forum.

I wanted to give him 'just one more chance' (lol - how many one more chances can a person give?..) so I tried to talk to him about his alcohol-filled upbringing. (to Amy55) I keep thinking that if he could just see and I could just be patient enough that he'll want to change.
My mind keeps saying, "He'll change, he'll change. He'll get better and I won't have to leave. I can handle this until then. If I could just get him to see that he needs to get out of denial..."

So, it's nice(?), well... comforting to hear that there have been others who have tried to get them to "see" and realized that they couldn't actually help the person.

I want a good marriage and a steady home where I'm loved and cherished... I need to keep focused on the fact that I'm not getting that and I'm not going to somehow magically help him either.

Someone once asked me, (perhaps a year ago or something?) if I had stopped trying to deal with the symptoms and was actually now trying to deal with the source of the problem. I didn't fully get it at the time but I'm getting it now.

We go 'round and 'round to where he doesn't do certain unwanted things anymore but there's still that "you're just my wife and your ideas don't matter" attitude in how I'm treated sometimes.
I keep putting band-aids on the symptoms but he still has never once claimed that his background has affected him - he claims that I've made him what he is...

Striving to keep clinging to leaving. I'm getting there. I told him (while trying to not show that I'm shaking) that if we can't get help (he wouldn't even listen to what I wanted to talk about - said that I've said plenty in the past so he doesn't want to listen to something else that divides us) that in the New Year I'm going to leave.

I'm getting there. Knowing I need to go but am so scared to mess up everything.

amy55

wife,

I just want you to know that before I gave up I searched verbal abuse forums, depression forums, depression fallout forums, bi-polar forums, and ended up in
SR. There are many things that can do this. And we spend our times researching, analyzing, trying to make things better. We can't.

From what you just posted I got somewhat an image of what you are going through, but I can't say that I am right. I'll just say that it sounds a lot like mine. I tried to get my strength, tried to say what I needed, what I liked, what I didn't like, it fell on deaf ears. I was seen as the enemy. He saw me as me hurting him. So I researched some more, and some more, and I could actually understand why, so I tried to change, and change so more, be more understanding. Nothing worked. I was the enemy.

My ex used to sing to me, "I gotta be me, I gotta be me", he would tell me he was like this his entire life, and why did I want to change things. He would then come back and say I want to give you the whole cake, not just the crumbs.

I don't know if this sounds familiar to you, but if it does, just know that I am here and I am listening, and by your side.

wifeofanACoA

I listened for 8+ years to him saying how if I changed that our marriage would be better. Well, he finally stopped doing that - yippee. But he's still got those tiny quips and subtle ways of saying what I think doesn't matter and focusing on me and what I do to make things what they are.

He would go right to 'changing me'.

And now... I need to wake up and stick to leaving. I know I do. I can't keep looking for reasons to stay or keep suppressing the things that tell me I need to get out of here. I just keep thinking - try one more thing.

I'm trying. Working to get out of here and leave. How has anyone ever had the strength to leave? *sigh*

Thanks for insights and straightforwardness and SUPPORT! Ohmigoodness - the support I receive is just overwhelmingly wonderful and amazing!

People don't wind up judging me for 'being dumb' but instead offer support to help me to see the truth.
I'm going to make it. I just have to keep telling myself that I can't make this all go away and I need to wake up to taking care of myself.

I know that we have to want to change our own behaviours nobody else can do that for us.

amy55

wife,

Just know that we are here for you. I will never judge you and think you are "dumb", wow, look who you are talking to !!!!!!! I wanted so much to believe that everything that he told me was true and I wanted to change so much, because I knew the only one I could change was me. I changed so many times, but it was never good enough. I stayed over 25 years.

You have the strength to leave when you know you did everything that you could. There are no "ifs" left, well know that is not true either, I still get the "only if" thing, but it wouldn't have mattered. When the pain of staying is more then the pain of leaving. ( I don't think thats the right saying, but I can't think right now ).

You gave him every chance that you could. You are at the end, if you weren't you probably wouldn't be here posting.

Just know that I am here for you, and if you have any problems, questions, or just want to talk, you came to the right place. We will be there for you, and we will hold your hand, we will offer our shoulder for you to lean on if you need one.

Do you realize what a wonderful, beautiful person that you are? I do. You have already tried to change so much for your H, and I don't think that you needed changing at all.

It is ok to leave an ACOA. Don't let that keep you stuck. You need to think about how being with him affects you. Are you happy? Do you feel loved and respected? If you stay with him for the next 5, or say 10 years, and he doesn't stop what he is doing, will you be ok with this, will you be enjoying your life? I think that is all that matters.

Thank you for sharing with us.

(((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))

wifeofanACoA

Just keep reminding myself that I need to leave. Y'know... the emotional abuse was so camouflaged for so long and then I crawled out from under my blanket of ignorance. And then I said, "If he hit me - I'd know that it was time to go." or "If he cheated I'd know it was time to go."
People said, "It's going to get worse."
I thought, Now.. how can it get worse when he's doing less controlling things? Well, maybe... 6 months back? No hitting but bruising from being held and on the upper arms.
Somehow I still keep thinking it's never enough to leave.

It's a seriously very, very bad and odd phenomenon... Person hurts me with words, with actions, with whatever and it's wrong. Time elapses - six months, 2 weeks and we suddenly excuse the wrong. He gets another chance because time has gone by. Then another hurt, another pain, another wrong... Time elapses - two months, 2 days, whatever... Enough time has somehow passed again to make this okay and time to forgive and give another chance.

Problem is (as if there's only one) the only thing that keeps changing is what I let slide. My bar is set lower and lower by me!

I'm getting there. One day, one day I will post on here that I have left him. One day soon I am going to be able to say that. Hear that?... that's the sound of me raising the bar...

BtheChange

That is a beautiful sound!

dandylion

Dear wifeofanACoA---What kind of help are you getting---what kind of support.

I am glad that you are here, of course, and, we have your back---but you need other support, also.

No one should have to live with abuse. It is not your fault and it is wrong for one person to abuse another.

You need help from domestic violence professionals; individual counseling; alanon--as well as any friends or family that you can trust.

There is help available....you are NOT alone.

dandylion

jaynie04

Hi. I've been reading your posts. I am an ACOA, my mother was the alcoholic, my father was useless and as the oldest I dealt with the fallout. I am 48 now and newly sober myself.

Growing up with an alcoholic parent was hard, I found out later that my 3 best friends growing up all had alcoholic moms. My mother's mother was an alcoholic.

I started washing dishes when I was 14. I waitressed and put myself through college. I got a job in finance with only an art degree, and ended up running a department at a very large firm on Wall Street by the time I was 28. I got married when I was 32. Moved to the suburbs, started a design company, which did very well. I have a very good marriage coming up on 17 years. I have one happy and healthy child. For the most part my life is good, but obviously I have my own problems.

It was hard growing up with alcoholism, divorce, no real feeling of being safe. My husband grew up in a family that looked very wonderful from the outside. Money, status, glamour, a very pretty package. After his mom had 5 kids his dad cheated on her with her best friend. Shattered the family. His older brother was gay and lived in San Francisco in the late 80's, got AIDS and died when he was 28.

Because of divorce, we have 4 sets of parents. All the money is gone, we now support most of them.

We all have history. Me, my friends, my husband, all of us have pasts that weren't perfect. Being an ACOA is part of my identity, but it is not the whole picture. It is the hand I was dealt. I did almost 10 years of work with a very good therapist.

Even though I am an alcoholic, I never drove drunk, I never got in trouble with the law, I didn't have financial repercussions, I was never abusive.

I am concerned that the fact that your husband grew up as an ACOA is clouding a more important factor. I am saying this not to be critical, but I think you are using this label to excuse the fact that he is abusive and controlling. When I read that he told you what time to go to bed, I had to post.

I am concerned that you are focusing on one aspect of his life.....and looking around the problem that is causing so much unhappiness. I know people who have idyllic childhoods who grow up and become terrible spouses or parents. Yes, it is a drag that your husband had to deal with this. But he is an adult, it's his responsibility and choice to get help for his issues. Focusing on his past is detracting you from looking at the present.

All any of us has is the present. We alkies hang on the days when we could drink like normal people, I could for decades. We hang on the "potential of being able to moderate". I feel sad when I see loved ones hanging on the potential of someone who is not making strides to get well.

My therapist used to urge me to talk about the minutiae in my life. She believed that a lot of what was going on with me wasn't always the big things, but rather the little things. When I read that your husband told you what time to go to bed, I had a very strong reaction. I think when one is involved with a controlling person we can lose our inner compass. Listen to your heart, if this was even a friend would you accept this type of treatment?

You deserve only good things, they are out there, but it will require taking the focus off his past and looking at your future. (((hugs)))

wifeofanACoA

Well, I do see a counselor for myself. She's been a great help and support. I'm planning to see her again next week because I know that I need help in setting up a plan to leave. So, that's good. I think I've been seeing her for over a year now.. time flies.

I also have a very supportive family who know what's going on but it's also hard because I still get the sense that others want me to keep trying at this.

He is soooo nice sometimes, so darn nice.

Things haven't changed in terms of my decision to leave him. Yay for me - it's been my aim since the 10th and I haven't changed it yet. Ah, dear...

Working on it, working on it... right now that's a big reason why I post - so that I don't forget and just forgive again and stay.

I want to remain in my "I-need-to-leave" mindset regardless of his nice-act.

NWGRITS

You know we have posted to each other in the ACoA forum, and I see so much of myself in your husband. I feel for you. I look at your posts and see my own husband's thoughts (we write letters to each other instead of having conversations. No yelling, more time to process information.). It scares me to think he could leave me, which is an incentive to work my program and fix my issues, of which there are many. That honeymoon period is becoming longer and more frequent, and will hopefully be the norm rather than the exception. If your husband is still failing to acknowledge that HE has a problem, then nothing is going to change... unless you change yourself. You seem to be on that path, recognizing that the present with him is likely extending into the future. I wish I could smack him upside the head for you and set things in motion for him to get help. But since that will never happen, I will be here to support you through whatever decisions you make to help yourself.

wifeofanACoA

I don't want to leave, I want to stay in my own home with my children in their own beds and continue with money to spend and the ability to go to school and have my life feel happy, safe, and balanced. BUT... I have my own home with my children in their own beds, have money to spend, go to school and instead of happiness, safety, and balance I meet depression, tension, and unpredictable behaviour.
My posts from the past I read - I read what 'me' thoughts I've had over the last couple of years and I've made excuses and gone up and down and back up again and so on.
I've said that I can handle it and y'know what - I think that 'yep' I probably could handle it. I could probably make it but I've been to the lowest pits, managed to crawl back out (by therapy and prayer) and I don't want to return.

I am SO MUCH STRONGER than I used to be.

It at least feels different this time - leaving - because I don't have as many emotions throwing me around. I have stronger and more adamant, consistent, and unyielding thoughts that keep saying, "It's not better, it's not getting better, but YOU ARE better so now is a good time to go."

It's a good time to go, not because I have the world set up for myself but because I'm more stable and trusting of myself and my decisions. I have less confusion (less but still some :\ ) and at times I'm really believing that I can do this.

I know that I have love for my H. I have made a life with this man. But the very, very sad truth is that he does not admit to having a problem or any for that matter. I could stay, I could cope, I could survive but is it what I want? A life with certain stabilities (the house, paid bills) but no man who works with me to work for the better in life.

I called the DV help tonight. I have an appointment next week with the director. I'll see how everything goes. My wants: to be able to complete school and get my degree, to have a place to leave TO, and to hopefully get on some kind of assistance.

I don't want to leave, I really don't but things aren't changing and I want more than this. I don't want to keep living a life where I have to drag myself through the depression on certain days simply because I know that my children need me and I need to stand up to their father for them on the silliest things.

I don't want to play the game anymore. It's not a good game anyway, I prefer Chinese Checkers....

wifeofanACoA

Thank you all for support and a listening ear. May all of us find peace, happiness, and serenity in making good choices for our lives.

dandylion

wifeofanACoA---WOW--Good for you! I believe that you made a very significant move toward your own welfare, tonight. I know it wasn't easy--but, by gosh, you did it!!

You never know how much courage you really have until it is needed--and it comes forth at just the right time. It is amazing how that happens.

I am proud of you. Your happiness is important--you deserve happiness as much as anyone else on this planet.

very sincerely,
dandylion