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Old 10-16-2013, 04:32 PM
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Unhappy New Here

I am an almost 48 year old female. I was sexually abused by my sister from the age of 6-13. I am now struggling with alcohol. My mom lives with my sister...my mom is in her 80's with dementia and does not want to come live with me..800 miles away from NYC where she currently lives with my sister and her family.

I feel like it is all hitting me past 3 years and yes...I am guilty of looking for an escape...I don't want to escape though...I just don't know how to NOT want to escape....I hate her...hate what she did to me and I hate that everyone thinks she is amazing...but I know otherwise. It is destroying me and not her. In my eyes..it is not fair. Please pray for me...every day gets harder.
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Old 10-16-2013, 04:45 PM
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Anyone? I see all the people after me getting a reply and not one person says a thing to me....every day is more of a struggle for me..and I know not many people see female sexual abuse...but well it is my reality...and it took everything I had to register and post here....
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Old 10-16-2013, 04:53 PM
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Hi. Welcome, I understand living with sexual abuse. It never disappears from memory. It DOES NOT DEFINE who you are though. It is hard and unfair and inescapable. I could never drink it away. I think being abused taught me to be passive and dismissive about my needs. So when I sensed I was becoming an alcoholic it was something I did nothing about. Just kept drinking and wasted a lot of my life. I am glad that you are here taking some action to save yourself.
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Old 10-16-2013, 04:54 PM
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Escapist...thanks...today is my first day...I just want to be the person I was....I guess I want someone to say it stinks what you went through...I feel like I cannot outrun it...
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Old 10-16-2013, 04:55 PM
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Hi Somegirl and welcome. Don't feel badly, posts sometimes don't get responses in order of the queue.

What happened to you is terrible. The fact that it happened over a long period of time and that it was at the hand of a family member that you should have been able to trust must make it very painful. When a child is harmed repeatedly within what should have been a safe place it is very traumatic.

I am sorry that you had to endure such abuse. I am also sorry that you are struggling with alcohol. I am very glad you are here. You were an innocent victim, and I am wondering where the caretakers were in all of this. It is courageous that you are speaking up, it is never too late to understand our past. Sadly, you can't erase it, but with the right help, you can make sure you are not robbed of any more of the life you deserve.

Not sure how much you know about alcohol abuse, alcoholism, and do you have a therapist, or any sort of face to face support?
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Old 10-16-2013, 04:56 PM
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I'm sorry for everything that you have gone through in your past. And I know that it's tough going through your current family situation.

I understand the desire to numb the feelings out, but ultimately alcohol makes everything worse.

You deserve a good life. I'm glad that you are here seeking guidance.

Welcome.
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Old 10-16-2013, 05:00 PM
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Hi Somegirl and welcome;
I had many issues with my family that invaded most of my adult life and were a big reason I began to drink and kept drinking more over the years. Finding release and healing from that has been the strongest reason I was able to stop. I wish that for you.
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Old 10-16-2013, 05:04 PM
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Thank you all...I know fully that the path I take is not the right one...and every other day I say...I won't do this anymore...I do have an amazing husband and son (mid 20's) but I feel like i'm a prisoner in my head....I almost feel like years prior I was able to outrun how I felt....I was diagnosed with Lupus 2 years ago and a brain tumor and it has slowed me down...and the slowing down and well arguing about my mothers care has brought it back to a head...my sister is an unmedicated manic depressive.....she is 10 years older than me...I was ok for years...but I feel like i've been hit from being with a truck....and actually it has hit me at once...its always been at the back of my mind but I didn't say anything to keep the family peace....I just am not strong enough to keep up that facade anymore...
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Old 10-16-2013, 05:05 PM
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I'm sorry for the abuse you went through.

I think the key is what you said, it's destroying you, not your sister. So, make a conscious choice to let go of the feelings you have toward your sister. I don't mean you should accept what she did, not at all. But, the negative feelings are holding you hostage and you won't be free until you let them go.
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Old 10-16-2013, 05:06 PM
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My husband and son do not know of my alcohol intake since I live alone 5 days a week...my husband is working on our farmhouse and I am living in the new house...its not a good thing...I just feel like a loser...I miss ME.
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Old 10-16-2013, 05:07 PM
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Originally Posted by Anna View Post
I'm sorry for the abuse you went through.

I think the key is what you said, it's destroying you, not your sister. So, make a conscious choice to let go of the feelings you have toward your sister. I don't mean you should accept what she did, not at all. But, the negative feelings are holding you hostage and you won't be free until you let them go.
I understand..but I don't know how to let it go...I don't feel like I have the tools...its like a flesh eating disease..but it eats at who I am..
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Old 10-16-2013, 05:14 PM
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Hi Somegirl, I'm glad that you found SR. I am so terribly sorry for what you went through. You've made a great first step by taking alcohol off the table--the further you get away from the drink, the better you'll be able to heal from your past trauma. I understand how it feels to be angry at an abuser--I'm struggling with letting go too, although in my case it was not by a family member. I've numbed anger and resentment for many years with wine and I want to finally work on these issues with a sober head.

Have you ever been to therapy to work through the abuse?
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Old 10-16-2013, 05:14 PM
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welcome to SR,
have you ever talked to a counsellor about the sexual abuse by your sister? perhaps it's time to address this issue along with the drinking.

I am sure there are members on this forum who have suffered sexual abuse and could advise and support you. These things don't go away because we wish them too.

I wish you the very best in recovery and welcome you here.

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Old 10-16-2013, 05:19 PM
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I have not been to therapy...I guess I don't even know where to begin..and I think in the back of my mind...ive always been afraid that a counselor would not understand or I would somehow be held accountable.....and it is really hard since I still have to deal with my sister every day....I feel like a skeleton...I hate her so much.....
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Old 10-16-2013, 05:25 PM
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Welcome Somegirl66. I'm so glad you reached out for help.

I'm sorry you had to endure that abuse and the aftermath. I'm sure counseling would help - you need to be unburdened from this hatred & anger you've been carrying. I understand the need to numb yourself, but as you already know - it can never really help. I hope it helps to talk about your situation with us - we care about you.
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Old 10-16-2013, 05:29 PM
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Somegirl,
a few years ago I attended a 5 days retreat/workshop for people who had been emotionally or physically abused as children. The people who attended covered a wide spectrum of severity of their abuse. Although I was not sexually abused, certain events in my childhood had a very detrimental affect on me growing up. I found the workshop very useful and I released a lot of pent up emotion, a few months later I addressed my alcohol problem and have been sober for 2.5 years now.

I have no answer, I can only relate my experience but there is help out there, what you are carrying around with you is very real, your resentment towards your sister, it's making you unwell. You need to be heard, listened to with compassion.
I hope you can find that help

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Old 10-16-2013, 05:37 PM
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Welcome Somegirl66,

You have made a very important choice in coming here and that choice if you know it or not, is this:

You have decided to not accept it any longer. You have decided to put your house in order. You know pretty much everyone on here understands you and where your coming from when you use alcohol as an escape, I certainly do. I often used alcohol to escape my feelings if only for a few brief hours. Problem is, your joining your Sister in hurting and abusing yourself.

Your number one priority is stay sober today/tonight. Worry about tomorrow, when you wake up. Then put your energy into not drinking alcohol tomorrow.

If your anything like me, you will start to get all kinds of emotional baggage coming out. I have been told by my Therapist (yes I have one), this alcohol is very good at helping your mind suppress emotions and memories. When we stop drinking, these come to the front. Over the next few weeks, providing we stop drinking (I am 3 days stopped), our minds will rationalise the things that have happened to us and we will accept they were wrong.

It is at this point we can confront our problems instead of hiding and suppressing them.

In your case, you will have some decisions to make on your Sister and Mother.

This needs to be thought through clearly and I dont think now is the time to address these problems as they are very serious indeed. First you need to get better and we are all here for each other.
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Old 10-17-2013, 03:42 PM
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Hi Somegirl
how are you feeling today?
Concerned about you.
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Old 10-17-2013, 04:00 PM
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Hi Somegirl--hope you had a good day today. Thinking of you
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Old 10-17-2013, 04:29 PM
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Smile Dealing with abuse

Originally Posted by Somegirl66 View Post
Thank you all...I know fully that the path I take is not the right one...and every other day I say...I won't do this anymore...I do have an amazing husband and son (mid 20's) but I feel like i'm a prisoner in my head....I almost feel like years prior I was able to outrun how I felt....I was diagnosed with Lupus 2 years ago and a brain tumor and it has slowed me down...and the slowing down and well arguing about my mothers care has brought it back to a head...my sister is an unmedicated manic depressive.....she is 10 years older than me...I was ok for years...but I feel like i've been hit from being with a truck....and actually it has hit me at once...its always been at the back of my mind but I didn't say anything to keep the family peace....I just am not strong enough to keep up that facade anymore...
Hi some girl
It's really helpfull to get some therapy in a safe controlled environment. I have gone through sexual abuse and other issues. It may make you unwell for a time but it is beneficial to recovery. I heard some terrible things whilst in therapy but it's important as it help your recovery. If you can get help get to your doctor
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