AWS Experience - Facing the beast head on, yikes
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Ortonville
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AWS Experience - Facing the beast head on, yikes
I need to share this story. I'm sorry about the length.
I used to blame this problem on my wife of 16 years leaving, the economy ruining my business, the mortgage companies rising rates on losing the house.
Now I see who's fault it was in losing those things - yours truly.
Sober over a few months now, loving it.
I went cold turkey after several weeks of trying the "taper down method" without success. I had to experience it, I researched it and the dangers. My other option was to get medication to "soften the blow". Problem is the medication when you quit offers some of the same kind of withdrawals, plus I wanted to experience it, I wanted the "scared straight" approach and accepted the risks. I got myself into it, I had to get myself out of it and embrace the pain - boy did I ever...(I don't necessarily recommend this approach). Luckily, a woman I've been seeing had a bit of a drinking problem as well and she decided to quit with me to help me/each other along. I couldn't have done it without her.
Apparently, I missed my entire summer. The last year is when it got terrible for me, with weight loss and more dependency. I never thought I was that bad until I began to hear stories of things I had said or done. I always thought I was functional while drinking. Apparently - not so much. I would even get up at 3-4 am, pour a glass of wine and call it "me time".
ROCK BOTTOM
Having received 2 DUI's a few years back, I ride a bike around town. One night I was getting it out to see my girlfriend. As I wheeled it out it tipped the wrong way, and I fell "on" it. I didn't say I was riding and fell off of it. I fell on it. I was walking it to the driveway and it tipped and I fell on the thing and lacerated an artery on my chin.
I've never seen so much blood in my life. A 4 inch wide thick trail of blood gushed from my chin like a river all the way down my pant leg, likely it bled alot more than usual because of the thin blood as a result of the alcohol. I bled in my kitchen, blood splashed from my chin to the floor and splashed 3 foot high onto the white cabinets. I called my girlfriend for help, was mean to her, she left and I walked a quarter mile bleeding profusely to her apartment knocking and bleeding an enormous amount all over myself and her small porch. She wouldn't answer. I walked next door as she lives next to a police station and they called an ambulance.
Because of the amount of blood on her porch, they got my address and sent 3 cars to my brothers to see if I had murdered someone. My brother was a little surprised by officers barging in to check my apartment, which was very bloody.
They stitched me at the hospital, offered an anesthetic to numb it, I refused. I deserved to feel that pain too.
Upon my release, (AMA, because I refused a catscan) it was a 14 mile walk home. I was weak from blood loss...I walked into a church during mass but stayed in the foyer so as not to frighten the Sunday morning crowd. I was bloody (dried) head to toe, ghastly. A gentleman named Paul drove me home with some reservations. I think he just wanted to get me out of the church.
Well a week later, I fell again, this time while riding the bike, and layed in someone's front yard for an undetermined amount of time with a very sore and bruised shin, until a couple ran out and asked if I had been hit by a car. I came to and said no, and ventured homeward.
That was it. I then tried tapering off, which was very painful in itself. Then after a few weeks without much success and prolonged discomfort, my girlfriend and I sat in the sun 1 warm day, had 1 last beer, and said "let's do this". And so the fun began.
WITHDRAWAL SYMPTOMS
Not getting into any particular order I am listing some of them here. I will say they were severe both during tapering off but brutal at cold turkey.
- Shakes, Night Sweats, Panic Attacks, Leg Shakiness/weekness, hyperventilation, Sleepy
- Graduated to outright vocal panic and writhing on the couch or bed, feeling of impending doom, going mad and total loss of control
- Began to see swarms of flys all the time. Saw thin black worms slither on wall 1 time
- no concentration, no work being done or very infrequent
- Unbelievably painful leg cramps at night accompanied by drenching night sweats.
- small photos on computer seemed to animate. mouths moved, arms moved, very bizarre
- Stationery objects such as dock pilings would bend and wave slightly
- Began to hear very faint music in my apartment (bagpipes, 1920's music, others). heard people talking. Thought house was truly haunted, major paranoia. (I live in a basement apartment of my brothers home/no other renters and they weren't home during these times)
- Dreams became very lucid. Could not tell when I woke if what I dreampt really happened or not. The line between dreaming and reality was gone.
- Push lawn mower under the tree out back morphed...thought there were 4 ducks moving on it one day, One of it's white wheels morphed into a human skull, the top of it changes into turtles 1 day and a small monkey the next.
- Throughout the entire process, my balance and leg strength was gone. Could not stand and close my eyes, let alone stand on 1 foot. I had to see the ground or hold onto something to prevent from falling. Stairs were virtually/almost impossible.
- Most disturbing were the children in the weeds. What were actually tall weeds next to the backyard pond, turned into 2 small children. 1 in particular, about 3 feet tall with a blue number jersey, baseball hat and a mustache, was looking at me waiving and saying something, while the other boy was behind him peering at me over his shoulder. Wow!
SUMMARY
I was fascinated by the process. The hallucinations, since I had done some research on this whole process, didn't surprise me. Knowing what I was seeing was a result of the withdrawals I was more curious than frightened.
The auditory/haunting thing did freak me out, as I hadn't read so much about hearing things, but wow.
The physical aspects I didn't like so much at all...many layers of pain and discomfort.
I wish the best to anyone that is going through similar experiences. And if you haven't yet quit, don't be scared to do it and stick to it. There are different ways to do it. Throwing yourself unarmed into the jaws of the alcohol beast like I did may not be the best way for everyone. It can be/is dangerous. I just had to do it that way.
Bottom line is I did it. Even though it's only been a little over a few months, for someone that couldn't go a few hours without a glass of wine, I don't miss it.
I'm clear headed.
I initially gained 12 lbs in 13 days (much water weight/was dangerously dehydrated and underweight) but people say I look healthy now
My girlfriend and I had to adjust to loving each other sober, and getting to know each other again. After a week or so, we had determined... "we like us now". I wont give that up.
She's proud of me, I'm proud of her.
...and most importantly, I'm proud of me too.
It's amazing how many people Knew I was in a bad way, and say they are also happy and proud for me, all the while I thought nobody knew. Thought I was hiding it. Guess what? everyone knew. You aren't hiding it.
At parties, family gatherings, believe me, there is that elephant in the room.
Thank you for listening. Good luck and godspeed.
~Rick
Michigan
I used to blame this problem on my wife of 16 years leaving, the economy ruining my business, the mortgage companies rising rates on losing the house.
Now I see who's fault it was in losing those things - yours truly.
Sober over a few months now, loving it.
I went cold turkey after several weeks of trying the "taper down method" without success. I had to experience it, I researched it and the dangers. My other option was to get medication to "soften the blow". Problem is the medication when you quit offers some of the same kind of withdrawals, plus I wanted to experience it, I wanted the "scared straight" approach and accepted the risks. I got myself into it, I had to get myself out of it and embrace the pain - boy did I ever...(I don't necessarily recommend this approach). Luckily, a woman I've been seeing had a bit of a drinking problem as well and she decided to quit with me to help me/each other along. I couldn't have done it without her.
Apparently, I missed my entire summer. The last year is when it got terrible for me, with weight loss and more dependency. I never thought I was that bad until I began to hear stories of things I had said or done. I always thought I was functional while drinking. Apparently - not so much. I would even get up at 3-4 am, pour a glass of wine and call it "me time".
ROCK BOTTOM
Having received 2 DUI's a few years back, I ride a bike around town. One night I was getting it out to see my girlfriend. As I wheeled it out it tipped the wrong way, and I fell "on" it. I didn't say I was riding and fell off of it. I fell on it. I was walking it to the driveway and it tipped and I fell on the thing and lacerated an artery on my chin.
I've never seen so much blood in my life. A 4 inch wide thick trail of blood gushed from my chin like a river all the way down my pant leg, likely it bled alot more than usual because of the thin blood as a result of the alcohol. I bled in my kitchen, blood splashed from my chin to the floor and splashed 3 foot high onto the white cabinets. I called my girlfriend for help, was mean to her, she left and I walked a quarter mile bleeding profusely to her apartment knocking and bleeding an enormous amount all over myself and her small porch. She wouldn't answer. I walked next door as she lives next to a police station and they called an ambulance.
Because of the amount of blood on her porch, they got my address and sent 3 cars to my brothers to see if I had murdered someone. My brother was a little surprised by officers barging in to check my apartment, which was very bloody.
They stitched me at the hospital, offered an anesthetic to numb it, I refused. I deserved to feel that pain too.
Upon my release, (AMA, because I refused a catscan) it was a 14 mile walk home. I was weak from blood loss...I walked into a church during mass but stayed in the foyer so as not to frighten the Sunday morning crowd. I was bloody (dried) head to toe, ghastly. A gentleman named Paul drove me home with some reservations. I think he just wanted to get me out of the church.
Well a week later, I fell again, this time while riding the bike, and layed in someone's front yard for an undetermined amount of time with a very sore and bruised shin, until a couple ran out and asked if I had been hit by a car. I came to and said no, and ventured homeward.
That was it. I then tried tapering off, which was very painful in itself. Then after a few weeks without much success and prolonged discomfort, my girlfriend and I sat in the sun 1 warm day, had 1 last beer, and said "let's do this". And so the fun began.
WITHDRAWAL SYMPTOMS
Not getting into any particular order I am listing some of them here. I will say they were severe both during tapering off but brutal at cold turkey.
- Shakes, Night Sweats, Panic Attacks, Leg Shakiness/weekness, hyperventilation, Sleepy
- Graduated to outright vocal panic and writhing on the couch or bed, feeling of impending doom, going mad and total loss of control
- Began to see swarms of flys all the time. Saw thin black worms slither on wall 1 time
- no concentration, no work being done or very infrequent
- Unbelievably painful leg cramps at night accompanied by drenching night sweats.
- small photos on computer seemed to animate. mouths moved, arms moved, very bizarre
- Stationery objects such as dock pilings would bend and wave slightly
- Began to hear very faint music in my apartment (bagpipes, 1920's music, others). heard people talking. Thought house was truly haunted, major paranoia. (I live in a basement apartment of my brothers home/no other renters and they weren't home during these times)
- Dreams became very lucid. Could not tell when I woke if what I dreampt really happened or not. The line between dreaming and reality was gone.
- Push lawn mower under the tree out back morphed...thought there were 4 ducks moving on it one day, One of it's white wheels morphed into a human skull, the top of it changes into turtles 1 day and a small monkey the next.
- Throughout the entire process, my balance and leg strength was gone. Could not stand and close my eyes, let alone stand on 1 foot. I had to see the ground or hold onto something to prevent from falling. Stairs were virtually/almost impossible.
- Most disturbing were the children in the weeds. What were actually tall weeds next to the backyard pond, turned into 2 small children. 1 in particular, about 3 feet tall with a blue number jersey, baseball hat and a mustache, was looking at me waiving and saying something, while the other boy was behind him peering at me over his shoulder. Wow!
SUMMARY
I was fascinated by the process. The hallucinations, since I had done some research on this whole process, didn't surprise me. Knowing what I was seeing was a result of the withdrawals I was more curious than frightened.
The auditory/haunting thing did freak me out, as I hadn't read so much about hearing things, but wow.
The physical aspects I didn't like so much at all...many layers of pain and discomfort.
I wish the best to anyone that is going through similar experiences. And if you haven't yet quit, don't be scared to do it and stick to it. There are different ways to do it. Throwing yourself unarmed into the jaws of the alcohol beast like I did may not be the best way for everyone. It can be/is dangerous. I just had to do it that way.
Bottom line is I did it. Even though it's only been a little over a few months, for someone that couldn't go a few hours without a glass of wine, I don't miss it.
I'm clear headed.
I initially gained 12 lbs in 13 days (much water weight/was dangerously dehydrated and underweight) but people say I look healthy now
My girlfriend and I had to adjust to loving each other sober, and getting to know each other again. After a week or so, we had determined... "we like us now". I wont give that up.
She's proud of me, I'm proud of her.
...and most importantly, I'm proud of me too.
It's amazing how many people Knew I was in a bad way, and say they are also happy and proud for me, all the while I thought nobody knew. Thought I was hiding it. Guess what? everyone knew. You aren't hiding it.
At parties, family gatherings, believe me, there is that elephant in the room.
Thank you for listening. Good luck and godspeed.
~Rick
Michigan
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