meggem

My name is Gina. I hate my username. I've been to this site on and off - I guess when I'm not in denial. My husband went to rehab 10/7 (alcohol) and my whole marriage is flashing before me in bits and pieces as I look at back and say "ohhhhh...so THAT is why he acted like that" - It all happened so fast. I had finally had it. He smashed up the living room, the lamp, smashed beer bottles and I called the police. He was so grief stricken he made an "emergency apt" with his prescribing doctor and he told him he was concerned for his safety, mine and the kids (2 girls 5 and 17 months). Doctor said rehab, made a phone call and he was picked up 4 hours later. I think I am still in shock.

I went to the family thing last weekend and I could not believe what I was hearing. I was relieved..sort of.. that this was a disease and the man I married - the real man - the other man - the sober man - whoever -really was not this agitated, immature, destructive, verbally abusive and violent person that he has turned into. I have tried over the years (6 years married) - he said he was having trouble (when we were first married and bought the house) because he likes structure and routine and he was having trouble adjusting to his new environment. I thought ok.. I can understand that - especially for someone who really thrives on and needs routine.. I didn't know it was such an issue that it would cause arguments but ok. So I tried to fix that. It didn't work. Then he said it was because of an unresolved event driven by his parents that has really "messed him up" - So I tried to fix that. That didnt' work either - in fact it's worse. Then he said he didn't sleep well, that he slept all night but felt like he hadn't slept a wink - so I fixed that - sleep study and yes, he has severe sleep apnea, now he wears a cpap machine. It still didnt' make him happy and it still didn't stop him from drinking.

He would have a 6 pack on Friday - a 12 pack on Saturday, then on Sunday -then maybe skip a day or two - then maybe a football game would be on or he would have a bad day, and he'd bring a six pack home - if not - definitely the weekend because, well it's Friday..

I like to drink. But I don't have to. I can drink a few glasses of wine and sometimes I drink a few if I am having a bad day as well. But i have kids now, its less important to me. Friday means nothing to me anymore since I'm a parent.

Anyway - I don't want to lose anyones interest if you are reading this by going on and on and on. But I have felt so isolated. SO ISOLOATED. My husband is a great guy - my family loves him, work loves him, people love him, but nobody knew. I started thinking I was nuts. Sometimes I would have to leave the house because he would get in this RAGE and I would have to physically leave. Then I had my first and I would leave with her - now I have 2 kids and I cannot leave with both. I guess leaving was me enabling him. Well it was keeping me safe- but it was getting soooo old. So tiring. I was getting so tired of pretending I had a certain kind of life. So tired of switching doors out because he punched it and my mother was coming the next day to watch the kids and how do I explain the hole in the door. So tired of having a huge out of the blue rage thing with him, then show up at a family function later that day or the next day and having to act normal.
I could go on and on. I'm terrified of his recovery and I'm terrifed of a relapsse and I'm proud of him too. Very proud of him. I'm sad for myself. I'm not angry yet - maybe I've been so angry I'm finally relieved to know there is an explanation for his behavior.

well thanks for listening..

Coldfusion

Welcome, Gina!

You'll find lots of support here!

You can send a Personal Message to Anna to change your user name (they suggest NOT using your real name). Click on the "User CP" on the upper left.

People can change, they do it here all the time.

I wish you the best!

∞CF

meggem

oh, ok thanks..

Florence

Welcome! The first thing I felt when I realized what was going on with my AH was confusion. Lots of confusion. It's normal. I also felt so isolated. Finally making contact with people who have lived this in all its iterations helped me piece my life back together.

Keep reading and learning and participating here. There is a ton of great support now that you're participating online.

smtowngirl

Welcome..Sorry for your situation, you had me in tears a few times, sounds a lot like my situation and so many others... we are kind of like the broken record club. Keep reading, build strength and courage. Hugs...

befuddled1

Hello and welcome - I'm very new here myself and was advised to read the stickies at the top and boy did they help! It's like a kind of therapy of its own as the more I read the more I learn and Theodore I learn the more empowered I feel - it's like a 'gentle circle' as opposed to a 'viciouscircle' with abf. Take care xx

Tuffgirl

Alcoholism snuck up behind me and kicked me in the butt, too. I felt the same way you did with keeping the secrets, and being torn between loyalty to my then-husband and finding support for myself. It was a hard call to make to finally be honest and up front and drag my butt to Al-Anon. But it was the smartest thing I did.

Keep posting, keep talking, find support where you can, and don't be ashamed of what is happening to your life. Alcoholism is so much more common than I would have ever guessed. Even my boss, when I told her the truth, was married to an alcoholic in her past. It really opened my eyes to how prolific the disease is.

Keep coming back,
~T

TakingCharge999

Having to act normal is not a way to live peacefully, I understand the feeling... when you know something is not right. It is a very lonely place. But you are no longer alone, you have the SR community that understands and probably other friends in real life who want to see you happy

meggem

Thanks everyone. I am very confused. For the first, I guess 2 years I cried and begged and pleaded and fixed everything. I asked why are you doing this to me? (I didn't even know what "it" was) - then I got a life and started setting boundaries - I got back in touch with friends, made new ones but that got old. I couldn't keep it up anymore. Then I just started to die a little every day. I questioned my own morals and values that I was always so proud of - I think I stopped believing in God - or I just stopped praying. I figured what did it even matter.

meggem

I called the cops on him a few days before. I didn't care anymore. I didn't care if that meant he may go to jail. that my family "would know" - I just. didn't. care. I was exhausted. I think that was probably the best thing I could have done - for us all.

Coldfusion

My wife had to call the cops on me, and I was hauled away in handcuffs for three days. I hope you now are confident that the help you need is out there.

meggem

Really Coldfusion?? Can you share a little more? Can you relate to what I described to you?

I think I'm more relieved than confident. Well I am confident. I surrendered as well and that certainly doesn't feel bad.

BtheChange

Welcome to SR, it was (still is!) a lifesaver for me.

I had a similar experience with my ex husband. He was a closet drinker and his behavior became increasing angry and deranged as the disease progressed. Lots of holes in the wall, too. Which, by the way, is meant to intimidate and threaten you. I used to think that it was just him venting his anger, but really, there are lots of ways to vent anger. Breaking stuff means he wants to show you that he can hurt you and emotional pain counts just as much as physical pain. A husband who loves you wants to protect you and cherish you all the time, even if he has had a bad day. These are values/truths I could no longer see when I was in the fog of living with an alcoholic.

Anyway... One day my then-husband had a seizure at home and severe withdrawal in the hospital--only then did I finally figure out what was going on. (This is pretty common, one alcoholic in recovery once told me that his girlfriend, whom he lived with for 2 years, was an MD and she didn't even recognize his alcoholism.) Just like you I thought he was tired from work, angry about his childhood, etc. etc. I would try to "fix" it and make all the grown up decisions for the household, and still he would have temper tantrums over seemingly nothing. Finally his primary care doc explained what was going on. Everything became so much clearer then. A great book for learning about alcoholism and its progression is "Under the Influence" by Milan and Ketchum.

Following his hospitalization I organized two interventions, and he went to rehab twice, but was clearly not committed to recovery. I filed for divorce soon after and have no regrets. At the time I knew that if I didn't leave him entirely to his own devices, I would still enable him (mainly because we had three young kids at home and I would try to keep things peaceful for them) and he would get more sick. Now I realize that what I should have been thinking as well is that his addiction was killing me by degrees too, and if I didn't leave my emotional and physical health would deteriorate. We have 3 children together, and I was a stay at home mom. After filing for divorce, the kids and I moved out (he refused to leave), I got a job, have had incredible help from my family, a lot of support from friends, and read many many posts on SR. I saw a therapist for about 9 months as well. I moved out about a year ago and my life is immeasurably better. Besides the return of my own mental and physical health, I have a much richer relationship with my children. I'm pretty frank with them about alcoholism. I have explained that their dad is allergic to alcohol and became dependent on it, and was making decisions that were hurting our family because of it.

I'm so glad you have found SR. The wisdom and shared experience here is incredible. I'm glad you called the cops too. Setting boundaries and sticking to them was, for me, the only way to put my life back on track. I participate only sporadically here, but you will soon find that there are many wise and kind people here to support you on your journey. You are not alone!

meggem

Thanks all for posting sharing and supporting. I'm not sure if this is like facebook where you get a notification that there was a reply to my thread, but I wanted to make sure you all knew that I am grateful for your respones and shares.

Coldfusion

There's some way you can get email notification of posts in a thread, but I don't know how to use it--I check SoberRecovery more often than I check email!

In addition to being a recovering alcoholic, my wife is one too. Two years ago, it was our big plan to kill ourselves with alcohol, and as part of that journey my wife called the police to take me away for three days of psychiatric observation. One year ago, our big plan was shattered when we ran out of money. Both my wife and I were unemployed, and we were drinking $50 worth of wine a day. Our marriage was falling apart--we fought all the time, and were getting increasingly loud and violent. We saw a domestic violence counselor, who told us we needed to quit drinking. I entered detox for a week and my wife quit drinking while I was away. We both went to ninety AA meetings in ninety days, and are both still sober.

I believe face-to-face meetings and / or frequent use of SoberRecovery are essential to recovery. I have been to several Alanon meetings a few years ago, and go to AA or NA meetings regularly. I also spend a lot of time reading and posting here at SoberRecovery.

Please keep us posted on how things are going!