Celticgirl

My AH has been sober for about ten days now. He's swearing up and down that he's done with drinking and that I can trust him that he's not going to be drinking and lying and driving the kids drunk. I can tell when he's been drinking, and I know he's sober.

I have also told the kids (and him) that they are not to get into the car with him if he's acting weird. He's okay with that. He's also really looking forward to attending his court-mandated alcohol classes and gaining some insight into his ridiculous behavior.

I don't completely trust him anymore, and I really haven't decided what I want to do with regards to our marriage. If this is, in fact, the truth, things would certainly change my outlook for the future.

Has anybody had a loved one change for the better and keep their promises?

Creekryder

Anyone can change. But the change, IMHO, must be a selfish motive. That is, it happens when a person makes a change for his/her own sake. Of course others are involved and benefit from the change, but it has to come from within first. A court mandate or other "swords of Damocles" many times does not provide the fuel to alter an addictive behavior for a sustained period of time. An inner personal conviction will.

Alcohol addiction is extremely powerful. Even the best of intentions can result in relapses. A partner who is strong and committed to work together is a wonderful ally in the battle. But you have to be willing to sustain the blows of failure and be there to immediately give the necessary assistance to get the addict back on track.

I did not have that support. I often wonder how things would have been if I had.

FireSprite

Yes - but not in 10 days time. My trust couldn't be rebuilt that easily or quickly & the earliest part of recovery had a lot of "pink cloud" moments that can be deceiving. There were many hills & valleys to travel through before I could see the changes he was promising... and even this far into it we still face our challenges.

It's the long-term that I was interested in - I will hear your promise today & wait to see if you can still deliver on it a year from now. That's what will show me true change - actions, not words.

My AF did manage to turn his life around & keep the promises he made while getting sober. He also spent a year in federal prison due to his lifelong addictions so he had a lot of time to put his priorities in order & he started by seeking AA & counseling while incarcerated.

Becki67

For the first 8 years of hearing this come out of my ABF's mouth, I wanted to believe it...it broke my heart each and every time he fell off. But, I got sick of being disappointed each and every time. When he says it now, I just nod my head, say Okay and walk on and know in my heart it's Bulls***. That was the hardest thing for me to learn. I don't put any expectations on him and that way I'm not upset when he fails.

I always liked thinking that people could change but I'm jaded now.

dancingnow

Yes, my RAH has made some changes. He's over a year sober and the changes he has made help him stay sober. I can trust that he doesn't want to drink and that he will go to AA twice a week and maybe more if he thinks he needs it.

I continue to focus on myself, some on rebuilding our relationship, although that has taken a back burner as I learn more about who I was, who I am and who I want to be.

I think my RAH spent a couple of years not drinking for 10 days at a time and then binging. After that he somehow reached his bottom and decided he couldn't drink at all.

What promises are you expecting your AH to keep? It's best to leave A's to their own recovery and stick to simple promises like - it's your job to throw out the trash on Tuesdays or don't schedule a meeting next Wednesday afternoon because I need you to be home for the kids. Other than that, I don't see an A with less than 6 months sobriety keeping a promise to anyone but themselves to "change for the better" or not drink.

Just my experience, I am glad to put the focus on myself and hope you will find the peace and serenity in doing that for yourself whatever you decide about your marriage. (((HUGS)))

Tuffgirl

Sure, people can change, if they want to and on their own terms. There are a lot of old-timers here who have made some significant changes in their lives. I know I've changed as a person over my lifetime, based on my own experiences and the lessons I've learned.

Whether it will be the change you need remains to be seen...maybe just take it all one day at a time for now. Enjoy it all when its calm and peaceful. Know that you can deal with it when its not.

BlueSkies1

I think the trick in your situation, with his early sobriety, is to be as supportive as possible, yet knowing full well that his future sobriety is an unwritten page. Know it, unspoken.

Not that you can't be optimistic.

Just not a puppet on a string, yanked back and forth by sobriety, or lack thereof.

Be you. Whether he's drinking or not. Be true to who you are. Feel the stability under your own two feet, and rely on that. Feel your stability within yourself, no matter how nervous you may be about his sobriety. Prop it up, work on it, until you are absolutely sure that no matter what he does, you have stability, sureness of who you are, conviction, self-esteem, confidence, in yourself. You will know it when you have it. Other people can't touch it. Drunk or sober they can't touch it. It's within you.

foolsgold66

To answer your question as posted in title about people overall.

Yes. Some do, but the majority do not.

Add addiction to the equation.

Same answer.

AnvilheadII

of course people CAN change....but you only need to be concerned about one particular person right now. 10 days is WAY too early to consider the problem behind you. the more he spouts off the solemn oaths, the less time he is actually engaged in CHANGE. change is action....changing habits, changing thought patterns, changing playgrounds, playmates and playthings. it's hard work. and it takes time. lots of time. no addict is ever free from the possibility of relapse...we are given a daily reprieve as long as we remain in fit spiritual condition (spiritual being relative to the individual) and keeping our sobriety first and foremost. each day, every day.

Regretter

Change, yes, keep their promises.. no. But that's more to do with my specific loved ones.

But I fundamentally believe that anyone can change at any time. A change of mind is, in my view, the change of person.

Celticgirl

Believe me, I do not believe that this is all behind him after ten days. He's had a history of hidden drinking, blame shifting, and dishonesty going back about ten years. He was going to AA at one point in time, was sober for a year, and drank relatively normally for a number of years.

I don't have any kind of blinders on. I know this is his deal, and I've told him as much. He needs to worry about himself and take care of his issues. I told him countless times that his words mean nothing and that his actions are what matters.

In the meantime, I am focusing on me and my issues. I've take the "we" out of our relationship, for the most part. It sucks to not be able to trust your husband and the father of your children to do the right thing. I hope he can do it for himself. Even if he does, I don't know if I want to stay. So much has happened to our relationship over the years that I don't know if it can be fixed. The one thing that I really, really want is honesty, and I don't know that he's able to give that to me. It may prove to be a deal breaker.

SnowedIn

I want to believe people can change.

I believe people can grow. We're not all the same as we were 10,20, 30 years ago.

My soon-to-be ex AH had given me mountains of promises, and never followed through.
Before he realized he was an A, he liked to take frequent breaks from drinking a week or two at a time, and then BAM! Another all day binge and it was back to business as usual.
He's been sober 7 months now. Nothing has changed, except that he's not drinking. He's still mean, manic, and obsessive and trying to find new ways to control and hurt me even though I moved away and don't reply to his texts or answer his calls.
He stopped going to AA, said he got all he needed from it.
He has gf and says he's happy, yet continues to berate, accuse and text me with his melodrama.
And he said he's not an alcoholic anymore because he quit drinking.
I don't know if he will change or not, but I've moved on and and I'm not holding my breath.

Danae

Just a thought about him driving the kids. He could be impaired from alcohol and not act "weird", and still cause a crash. You may want to rethink putting the burden on the kids to determine whether he is safe or not. I guess that also depends on their ages.

Good luck. Sounds like a tough situation.

Hammer

If he has really changed -- He should likely have the humility to understand that it may take a year or more to be trusted, again. Afterall, just how long was he doing the drunky thingy?

If he has a problem with that . . . . he likely still has a problem

ZenMe

I was traveling for work earlier this week and met an older guy who hasn't had a drink since 1991. He was totally comfortable with others drinking at dinner. In addition this woman I met also said she didn't drink. I felt it in the way she said it, her tone and body language said "When I drink bad things happen".

Yes it is possible. It even feels like truly recovered alcoholics have a certain vibe. I believe this is what AnvilHead is referring to.

In this case the change is so big that he needs time, clarity, focus, freedom of distraction, support from AA, detachment and more. When I catch myself thinking about what my xagf needs, I stop myself, take that statement and replace the "she needs..." with "I need..." It usually hits home with me, and when it no longer hits home with me, the "she needs to..." statement doesn't even materialize.

Wishing YOU the best change. I truly believe we can architect our futures, if we just stop to respect, care and plan for ourselves.