Teeny1967

My husband will soon be coming home from rehab. I have told him I won't be coming home right away I need more time before I go back. The therapist suggested a marriage or family contract stating our goals pledges boundaries and consequences. Any ideas? Is this good or bad? Thanks for all input.

marie1960

I think it's a very wise decision NOT to rush back home.

Take all the time you need, and I would not allow his words to sway my decision.

Keep watching his actions, they will tell you everything you need to know.

Exactly, what what this contract say? The obvious?

If he is committed to his recovery, that piece of paper won't matter.

if he is NOT committed to his recovery, that piece of paper won't matter.

Teeny1967

I agree. Alcoholism has taken its toll on our communication to each other. I stressed to him the other day that I wanted those lines opened back up and everything on the table. That there should be nothing we can't discuss. I let things slide before but not this time it is critical for our marriage to be salvaged. I don't think the paper would prevent him from doing something if that's what he really is going to do it either. Thanks for your insight. we have already discussed attending meeting as well.

Hammer

How long was rehab?

If it was less than 90 days, his brain will likely still be spinning in circles inside of his head.

Not much you can do about that other than stay out of the way.

Maybe think of this like coming home from the hospital with a broken leg. The cast on the outside may look all tough, but the broken leg on the inside -- although hopefully set straight -- is still broken, weak and a mess for weeks, months, and sometimes longer.

Back off, take care of you. Are you hearing THAT? TAKE CARE OF YOU. That has NOTHING to do with him, or lists, or contracts, goals, pledges or any of the rest.

Yes, some Detachment (distance) is good -- that puts less stress on either of you. And Boundaries are good -- those are sort like fences between you and the neighbor's yard. But both of those, and maintaining those, are also All About You.

Let his consequences be his -- you do not create them, control them or rescue him from those.

Teeny1967

I agree he's been in rehab three weeks and a week before that in the hospital. This isn't our first time around actually fourth. But I have been gone from our home since December of last year. I told him he had enough on his plate with recovery and sobriety and I am not rushing in to anything. I want the best for him and I want to come home but not until I'm ready.

Hammer

wow. 4th time. You are a Super Trooper.

We are into 10 months back from a three week rehab for Mrs. Hammer (first time for actual rehab), and I do not know if we are going to make to 11 months.

And out of there for going on near a year for you, too? Very Patient on your part in that regard, as well.

meggem

My husband just entered rehab for the first time on October 7th and I went to the Family Education thing on Sunday and they suggested the contract. I think it's more for you than him. Well, it's for you both, but I think it is supposed to help you with your boundaries and what is acceptable and not. Also, she said alcoholics are liars and they will say anything to get their drug of choice and you might say one thing but the alcoholic (or addict) will split hairs with you any way they can to get what they want. "you said if I relapsed twice you would leave, not once" or you said "drinking on special occasions were ok" when you never said that. Things like that. So it is good to have it in writing so their is no question. But seriously I'm still blown away that this is happening to me so what do I know. I'm just passing on what I heard..

Hammer

Teeny and Meggem --

You are both just going down the rapids. Spinning, splashing, dodging the rocks, and dunking upside down. Being scared and confused and dizzy is a normal part of the course. Here is the Real Deal -- YOU WILL COME OUT OK. You Will.

You are both doing Alanon, right? RIGHT?

If not, you know to find them?

Get to Alanon and get the help and community you need for this.

Teeny1967

We'll the first time he was sober for three years. The other two times he was just going to rehab just to satisfy everyone one else I really don't think he was serious. We have been married 29 years. I don't give up easily. I still have hope we can make it through this but sobriety is the only way we can I'm done with dealing with an active alcoholic. This time is the first time I have attended any therapy and I know now it works. I haven't attended al anon yet but in the process of finding meetings in my area. I don't know a lot but I have learned a lot about alcoholism and it's effects on the whole family.