Katchie

AH has been sober for several days... Yeah. When he's sober, he is great to be around; he's normal. My teens seem to be handling all of this pretty well... Yeah. He's helpful, kind, thoughtful...As nicey nice as it all seems and feels there's a 100# gorilla sitting with us at the dinner table, riding in the car with us, sleeping between us in our bed, etc., and this gorilla is dividing AH from the rest of the family. I want to KILL the gorilla and reconcile our family back together!!! Gorillas belong somewhere else, not in our home! I feel like the beast is me because I can't talk to the AH about it. I share with my kids, but to talk to him I'm not able to do... Why!?!

BoxinRotz

Gorrillas are wild in nature.

If he's serious about recovery, it tames that wild beast enough to be able to address the nature of said beast. I've certainly been in the room with the beast n when it's glaring at you with uncertainty, it's best to just walk away from it. It can get down right vile and dangerous.

Katchie

I do want to make sure all realize that my husband is never beastly, not even when drunk. The gorilla I'm referring to is the alcohol itself because it has the potential to ruin our happy home; I guess it already has in many aspects. It's the 'thing' between him and the rest of us. It's silent. It is this big hairy mass that is just always there, good or bad. The conversation about the gorilla is always avoided; never spoken of as if it doesn't exist.

dandylion

Katchie, what would happen if you DID speak to him about it??

dandylion

Katchie

I don't know. Last year I brought up that he needed to do something, that he was scaring the boys with his driving and that was pretty much the extent of it. I bawled. I don't like crying like that; crying is one thing but breaking down is quite another. He tried to get help but wouldn't think of AA at all. He went to a friend who's a doctor and I don't know if he told the doc the truth or not, I wasn't there. But the doc gave him a prescription for anxiety (cant remember what it was) and it made him weird. His driving was worse, memory was worse, everything was worse. Then, after I asked him about it he told me he couldn't remember how many he had taken once he took the first. After I looked up the particular drug it seemed that was a common problem for many who took it. What the crap!!! WHY would any doc give a drunk a med like that???? Unless my AH didn't quite tell him the whole truth. He sobered up without me saying any thing else for several months. Communication has never been a strong point, especially when we have a house full of kids all the time.

dandylion

Wow Katchie, I think you are carrying around a lot of pain and frustration.

He has, evidently just been trying to "white knuckle" it---which can be done, sometimes. Sometimes for a few weeks or even months. But, without a rigorous--and, I mean rigorous program--relapse is inevitable. When a person really wants sobriety for themselves--they will do anything and everything--without flimsy excuses. Recovery is so much more than just not drinking. Not drinking, alone, without the other changes that are necessary is referred to, by some, as "dry drunk".

If he has never been a good communicator--he is unlikely to be one now.

Communication is important in all marriages--including non-alcoholic ones. (active alcoholism does make honest exchange of feelings very difficult, though).

I can't remember if you have attended alanon?

dandylion

Katchie

Yes, I attended my first meeting Monday morning. It was hard to go there. It was weird because I couldn't really identify with most of the people there talking about their physically and mentally abusive loved ones. Then there's the feeling that I don't really want to talk about me because I didn't do this to us. I want to vent what he's doing to us because there aren't many people I can even tell it to. I have my sister and that's about it. I have my boys but I have to be strong for them because while they are teens, they are still half children and half young adult. I need to be their strength.
sorry Im rambling about. I had just so hoped this was over and done with.

dandylion

Katchie, you just triggered the memory of a story that I had almost forgotten. Lots of people don't see the "logic" of working on themselves when the alcoholic is the one with the "problem".

There was this woman who had been hit by a speeding motorist--resulting in a broken leg. When the rescue squad arrived to attend to her---she angrily told them--don't pay attention to me---it was that guy who did the damage. Go attend to him!

In alanon, you will find that they will understand your feelings---beyond words. Although all our circumstances may be different, the basic human feelings are pretty much the same. It isn't always easy to open up to a group of people, at first. you will get over that.

Continue to vent here, as all of us need to do this, at times. You have been carrying so much inside.

Alcoholism changes the alcoholic (progressive) and it also changes us, who live with it--sometimes, we don't even recognize ourselves any more!

dandylion