SomewhereElse

AH has been MISERABLE at work for months now. He is a chef at a college and is laid off for the summer. Since he came back to work (mid-August) they've changed things around and he now has about 2.5 hours of extra work and can't get it all done. He's tried to talk to the bosses but they don't care. He works through his breaks. He feels like a failure every day. I told him to go to HR and complain, but he says that will just make things worse. He tells me every day that he is THIS CLOSE to just quitting. He is the sole provider for our family of 5. I am still in school.
He told me last night not to be mad at him if he quits. I told him that wasn't an option. We've been looking for a new job for him for about 4 months now and he hasn't even gotten an interview. His resume is awesome, he has a degree and tons of experience, but it's HARD out there!
I'm so afraid he's going to quit and I don't know what do to if that happens (I know...I should be thinking alanon thoughts and not be playing the what if game). But how do I react to him? I know he's miserable and I feel bad for him. I know he wants me to say "It's ok, we'll figure it out if you can't deal with that job anymore" but I won't say it!!

BoxinRotz

No one should up and quit a job until they secure another job to sustain themselves and family. I've worked jobs I hated but it paid the bills n kept the roof from falling in.

Florence

Is he working a program? What does his sponsor say?

SomewhereElse

He is still actively drinking. Not in a program

Wisconsin

I would imagine that his extreme job dissatisfaction is probably intertwined with his addiction, since he is still actively drinking. My AH spent two years miserable in a factory job, and used his work unhappiness as an excuse to escalate his drinking tremendously. I treated the whole thing as one package deal. I refuse to enable the drinking and the insanity, and the insanity just made it that much harder for him to think rationally about how to find a new/different job, how he might make his current job better, how he might try to focus on all the things he has to be grateful for instead of complaining incessantly about every single thing in his life, etc.

I agree...I would not tell him "it's OK if you quit, we'll figure it out." And like Rotz says...I have spent many years working in jobs that I have hated because it's what you do to support your family/children. There were days when it was horrible, but also plenty of days when I just refused to let it get me down, because I have so many other things to enjoy in life. And, I believe it's no accident that as I started making great strides in my own recovery, I found a fabulous job that I adore.

isitme

I recently went through this as well. He hated hated hated his job. He came home and complained about it every single day. He wasn't getting paid what he was worth and had been there sooo long etc.

He had big plans for his own business. Or should I say "our" business. I work full time as well but said I would help. And because he was so miserable, we scraped and borrowed money and I said the magic words you're not saying. (please don't say them!)

He quit. Everything moved very fast. But you know what.. business is slow. You really need reserves to do this type of thing. We of course we didn't have money to pay a lot of people to pitch in, but it didn't really seem like he was doing that much either. I thought once he was finally working toward his big dream he would be happier, more productive and have something to feel successful about. None of that really happened.

Instead what happened was he resented everyone around him for no doing their share, for bailing when there was no money, for not being team players. He tried hard for a little while, but then as things were looking down, he started doing less and less. Looking for any opportunity to close early, come home and drink and complain about everyone else and the fact that it was failing. In 4 or 5 short months, we lost the business, got late on the house payments, defaulted on all the credit cards and all of the other bills got harder and harder to pay as well. He returned to work for LESS PAY than he was making at the old job and now hates the new job as well.

You know what though.. we learned A LOT! We learned what it takes to really sustain that type of business, we learned some things about our product and I learned that although I fully support him bringing his dreams to reality. I will let HIM do it. I will be a supportive ear, but I will NOT be a business partner with him. I never really wanted to in the first place but I just kept playing along. Well I found my own voice now and I won't be doing that again.

So please, don't the say the words just because it's what he wants to hear. You've said you're helping him put out resumes. Can you put out some of your own too? Maybe just for something part time? A little bit goes a long when it comes to empowerment. And even though you are still in school. Having just a part time income might help you feel a little more at ease with the situation.

(hugs)

Florence

This is just my experience: My AH also had cooking jobs (incidentally also had exactly the cooking job you're talking about, which makes me wonder if it's one of the two companies I know of) that he complained about near constantly.

Before I realized the extent of his drinking, he definitely had my ear. I helped him brainstorm new job opportunities, new side jobs, ways to confront his boss, ways to curry favor at his job. As long as he was drinking -- as it was with all of his responsibilities and relationships -- his story was that he was working his ass off and it was everyone else who just couldn't see it.

After some time, here's what I realized. He was doing a mediocre job of performing standard job duties. He took tons of smoke breaks, had a terrible attitude, lorded over the music in the kitchen, was a jerk about the menu, had a giant ego, was known as a baby-tyrant in the kitchen, and many folks knew long before I did that he was sneaking sips off the cooking liquor on the job. Considering this, there was no way he was getting a raise or extra help. I'm surprised in hindsight that he had these jobs at all.

If this is one of the major corps I'm thinking of, I will be surprised if they let it fly. An annoyed house parent will complain enough times and he'll be gone. Good restaurant/kitchen management also has a keen eye for this kind of behavior. Over time I realized that what kept my AH employed as a chef as long as he was was not his skill, but bad management's inability to deal with staff issues, like drinking on the job (or in other cases with other employees, having firearms on the job, or abusive relationships between workers, this place was a total sh**show). At this college chef job, what got him was not necessarily the drinking (coulda been) but the continued selfish, entitled, excuse-making attitude. He was argumentative, over-sensitive, egotistic, and inflexible. He also had a tendency to lie and cover up when he was questioned about just about anything. They yanked him.

Imagine you have a family of four and you are the sole student provider. How much would you need in student loans to get you through the end of school? How many years do you have left? Student debt is ridiculous (believe me, I know) but there are options for you that could get you out from under his crazy in exchange for accepting debt. Been there, done that with my parents as a single parent and non-traditional student.

Springs

My RAH was miserable at his job before he found recovery. Have you considered that they may not be happy with his performance? You really have no way of knowing how he behaves on the job. Like Florence, before I know the extent of my AH's drinking I was right there rooting for him, hearing tons of details about his day, angry at unfair things that happened at work. Now, I feel like I have no idea how he performed at work before he found recovery (and honestly I still have no clue). No real advice, but thought I'd share my experience.