onthebrink

First let me say that I have been reading and searching the threads here off and on for weeks.

Background, I was a social drinker. As in, I would go out with my husband MAYBE once every few months, get pleasantly buzzed and be done until the next time we happened to go out.

Then I developed cervical cancer, my teenage son went from being my golden boy to struggling with being gay and turning away from us even though we showed unconditional love, and my best friend tried to steal my business out from under me. I started drinking wine. A lot of wine. A bottle a night.

The son finally understood that we were not his enemy and loved him regardless, went to college, bought his first home, got married, is doing great. The business is still failing due to over saturation of the industry, the cancer is under control, but we are in financial straights because of no insurance and big medical bills. I've taken to working for a family member. My husband knows about my issue but I refuse to talk to my family who already thinks I'm the loser of the bunch because I got pregnant at 17, never finished college while the golden children (my sisters, both have their doctorates and great jobs). That was when I started drinking morning and night. The big bottles of wine gone in a day. Then that became to expensive and obvious so I started vodka. I could drink the big 1.75 (I think it is, in two days). I have taped back over the last week. Down to a 5th every two days. I do not drink at work. But I do need a drink to feel normal in the morning and I do drink at night.

I'm 40 now, I've gained weight from the alcohol, my BP is high, I have extreme anxiety, I get the shakes when I don't drink. I get panicky at 5 pm because I need to pour that first drink. Then I will drink until I fall asleep which is usually early because I wake up so early.

If you've gotten this far, thank you! I felt background was important. I am scared of complete withdrawal and have decided to try HAMS. I know it's work and haven't read a lot of positive on the forum about it but I am hoping for support as I will not expose myself by going in to treatment and I don't have money for a doctor or want the "alcoholic" stigma on my charts for life.

So, has anyone done hams with success? Has anyone gone from drinking a 5th of vodka a night (or all the wine) over the course of 3 yrs to cold turkey and not ended up in the hospital? I can't miss work to be puking and shaking all day either as I work for family. I am down to a half of a fifth a day. I feel good about that but, financially and emotionally, would rather not need it at all.

Help?

pinkdog

Hi onthebrinj, welcome. I'm not familiar with hams. I was a beerdrinker. I tapered down over 30 days. I highly suggest you consult a doctor. Noone knows how bad the withdrawals will be, there are too many variables. Be safe. Welcome here.

RevivingOphelia

The more I read this site, the more I'm convinced that, as we grow older, our bodies just revolt at the ingestion of alcohol.

I had to stop drinking last year (I just turned 44). Onthbrinj, you can do this and won't have to deal with the anxiety and all else that comes with being enslaved to drink.

Wishing you the best. This site was essential in helping me recover. Best to you.

MidnightBlue

Hi, Onthebrinj. Welcome to SR!

I am not familiar with HAMS either (I was a wine-drinker).

I understand your concerns about finances,job and related issues, but your health is at stake here. Please, don't put it in danger.

I hope other members with more experience in question will be here soon and give you more useful advice.

I just want to tell you that sober life is thousand time better - you've made a great decision to fight this addiction.

My very best wishes and positive vibes to you.

Hope things will work out for you.

least

to SR! I don't know anything about HAMS either so can't help you there. Just wanted to welcome you to this very supportive site.

hayley86

Welcome onthebrinj, there is lots of support here. Wishing you best of luck.

Muns

I have tried using the hams method after struggling with cravings / withdrawals most of the summer. In a private setting I feel like I could have outlasted the withdrawals and made it but as you said my professional life and reputation amongst peers simply cannot be compromised by the nausea, shakes and sweating I seem to experience after 3-4 days sober. So over the past 4-5 weeks I have slowly reduced my intake and have tried very hard to mentally change the drinks I do have as medicine rather than recreational enjoyment. I am currently down to 2-3 drinks a day after starting at 8-10. I have done it slowly on purpose to reduce the symptoms as much as humanly possible. I plan to go to strictly beer over the next week and finish the taper from there. That will be the final hurdle and no doubt be mentally challenging but at my age and stage of life it's time to live free of vices and excuses.

Best of luck.

onthebrink

Thank you all for the warm welcome and support. My biggest fear is withdrawl as I do feel completely awful when I don't drink, sick to my stomach, shaky, heart racing, unnerved, can't think clearly, just after a few hours. I have two small children at home, tweens, and I want to be there for them - not dead or in the hospital from DTs. I don't drink and get drunk. I drink to the point of feeling functional and I'm trying to lower the amount needed to feel functional and not scared day by day, week by week. I wish I could go back to the recreational drinker I was but I'm pretty sure that will never be an option for me again so my goal is to taper off until I feel normal and functional without alcohol at all.

I feel like such a failure and so out of control and just well, wondering what is WRONG with ME that I can't drink like a normal person and now I can't quit like a normal person either because I damn sure don't want to kill myself in the process. I am hoping more people will chime in with detox advice. I have a script for Xanax from the cancer stress which has two refills left and I have meds to lower my BP with 6 refills but none of these were prescribed for alcoholism. Just because of the other life factors I was dealing with. I wonder if they will help but I know the MO, no medical advice, etc. I just want to be normal again - and not end up dead or in the hospital in the process.

Starting as someone who rarely drank alcohol at all and could take it or leave it most of her adult life, this crippling dependancy just seems SO wrong to me. Although, I have just recently learned that there is a family history of alcoholism on my fathers side. He died when I was a child so I had no clue....

Sobersunshine

Hi there, I had to drink to feel normal as well... I tried to slowly taper but that didnt work for me at all. But it can work for some and if it works for you, that's great. I do recommend talking to a doctor. It is not as scary as it seems. Being honest with my doctor was a huge first step in getting sober. They will not judge and of course it's confidential. And they can help you do this safely.

onthebrink

Thank you for the reply. The issue with the doctor is twofold; first it can be used against you and I've heard of many instances where it was used against people when I tried AA a few months ago. They aren't bound like psychiatrists to be confidential. Second, MONEY. The only doctor I have right now is my oncologist. I have no insurance and I have to pay him full price for every visit. Next one is Friday. I have nothing left financially to see a GP. But we make too much money for assistance. We went from making $200,000 a year three years ago to making $60,000 a year for a family of four last year. FYI, that's gross income. And we live in South Florida and have two cars financed with less than a year to go on payments...can't wait until those are done!

Marktg34

Hello
You need to stop and breath and calm down.
It is no wonder that you drink for gods sake.
You need time to heal
Forget the sisters and their so called success
It does not matter
I was told something in therapy that has never
Gone away.
Stop comparing yourself to everybody else.
You are a fantastic mother and to keep going and working
But you need down time.
If you think you need help with drinking seek it know from a doctor
Put some sort of care plan in place for yourself
Forget stigma and discrimination.
You are a incredible fighter you may be depressed but you could start some
Sort of medication and therapy.
Seek help from a doctor ASAP
You are fighting with fire stop !!

Marktg34

Comparing ourselfs to anybody leads to unhappiness and more misery. We all assume if we are better educated more qualifications have everything brand new and a high paid position will that make is happy? You have to be happy with the here and now.I have done myself several times. Think about it it's only more bills!!

Marktg34

It is hard but when you are low you do get jealous of other people especially with this constant need to be better than everybody !

Marktg34

In a few short years I lost a lot including my self worth family members depression unstable and very unhappy it's all about losing your sense of self and self worth.It is riddiculous how many houses I go past on the day with porches and bigger porches bigger tank like cars it's out of control stupid terraced house mentality.

Correy

Fully agree with this - during my relapse I often had a feeling my body has developed an allergy to it. (give me a drink now and I'd be sick for days afterward)

Re: onthebrinj question - I am sure thousands ++ people could tell you it does get better, and that everything seem possible once we're sober. We'd be able to recover our health, lose some weight if needed, see the colors, taste the food, enjoy life...

Good luck!!

Marktg34

Also what does it matter a doctor would not write alcoholism on your record. Does it matter really I have all sorts of diagnosis on my record to proves that you did something about it. Loads of people are struggling everywhere even people who work full time especially with the current climate

onthebrink

Thank you, thank you all. Especially you Marktg34. I am notorious for putting an absurd amount of pressure on myself. My close friends, my husband, my mother's own sister, all admit that my family bullies me and that I have gotten the short end of the stick sort of speak....I don't use that as an excuse to fail or use, but it is the crippling factor in my life - to meet everyone's expectations, to do everything on my own, to never fail, never be weak.

Anyone remember Bill Cosby? My parents (mom and step dad) ARE the " we walked to school, uphill, in the snow, BOTH WAYS" type of people and if you are anything less than honor roll, over achieves, there is something wrong with you. Pressure. Always pressure.

There is a REASON I got married and pregnant at 17, I wasn't bad. I wanted OUT. When I gained weight, I stopped eating to the point of almost passing out at work. I would count out 5 crackers for a meal. It was ridiculous. I can be very lapse or very controlled. The alcohol makes me care less about everyone and every thing that makes me feel bad. Trying to escape, I'm sure you all kwim.

GotGrace

Oh, onthebrinj, welcome! You are so not alone! You are among friends and supporters and we are here for you.

I can relate the perfectionism. And the pressure. And the fear. I want you to know this can be done.

Stick around and keep us posted on how you are doing, please!

Zebra1275

Welcome to SR!

In my experience, the withdrawals from vodka are a pretty rough. I think you should see a doctor (or go to the ER) and tell them you are trying to withdraw from alcohol and have the shakes. I've done that (sadly, more than once) and received a prescription for valium which helps immensely with the anxiety and shakes. Go on a Friday if you need to, so that you can use the weekend to dry out as much as possible.

There is also a free program that will can help immensely, it's called AA. Get yourself to as many meetings as you can in the next few weeks (a lot of people recommend 90 meetings in 90 days).

AA plus this website were the key ingredients in helping me to get and stay sober.