help4hubby

Hi all SR friends! I'm really in need of some support. Two nights ago my AH mixed alcohol and Xanax (unbeknownst to me). We got into a verbal argument that turned physical when he became violent towards me and acted like he was going to hurt himself. After attempting to call my in-laws several times for help, I became extremely scared and ended up calling 911. I've never seen him act like this before. He was arrested and charged with domestic battery. I think I'm still in shock about everything that's happened. My in-laws bailed him out the next day and the four of us talked at length about everything that has happened. He has a criminal record that includes felony drug charges from a few years ago and he has served prison time. There's a chance he could go to jail for a year or get off with a fine. His parents are extremely frustrated with him and fully support me (although I wish they wouldn't have bailed him out). He has lined up a counselor who has a background in substance abuse. His first appt is tomorrow. I don't know how to handle everything that has taken place. I'm very unsure about our future and his sobriety. I'm between jobs at the moment which only adds stress to the situation. I'm optimistic that HE has sought out help on his own but I'm worried about what the future holds...

allforcnm

Im sorry that happened, Im glad you were not hurt. My husband took Xanax as one of his drugs, it can make you crazy especially when mixed with alcohol. I hope he uses this as a springboard to get treatment.

How are you doing? Are you still afraid ? Did this create a restraining order of any kind? Please take some time and be gentle with yourself, this sounds like it was very traumatic event. I would take some time to let things settle down, and hopefully the answers will come to you as more is revealed.

help4hubby

It did create a no contact order that is in effect until his court date which we don't know when that will be yet, however he is not abiding by it. I'm not afraid of him at this point but I think it's a really bad idea to not follow the rules. His parents are also very upset about it. He has been continuing to drink which I also think is a really bad idea. I'm so grateful for his parents support, especially since I haven't told any of my friends or family about this. I'm really scared of how my family will react.

This whole incident was terribly traumatic for me. There was no screaming or yelling just a lot of talking and then he kept getting clingy. When I tried to just put some space between us he grabbed my arm really hard twice and pushed it away. Next thing I knew he was on top of me with his hands around my throat squeezing hard, I couldn't breathe or move for what felt like an eternity I thought for sure I was going to pass out or worse. When he finally let go he panicked and kept saying "what have I done?" I couldn't even process what had happened I just knew I needed to get help asap.

allforcnm

Do you have anyone you can confide in, talk to about what happened? Having someone you love turn on you like that with such force is more than the physical; I think it impacts on many emotional levels. Don’t be afraid to seek out a therapist just to talk through it – if not right away, in a few days maybe. Im glad his parents are supporting you in this, but I don’t know how close you are to them.

Your parents don’t know all that has been going on with him do they? I know it was hard for me to share things with my parents at first; they worry, wonder why they were not informed sooner, asking what was my logic.... But if your parents are like mine, then they will be there for you with lots of love and understanding.

Yes, I agree your husband should be following the order. Probably he wants to try to fix it, but its not something a few words can fix I don’t think. He needs to begin by seeking help, and putting aside the substances until his mind clears. I hate drugs.

I am sending you wishes for a peaceful night; probably hard to sleep with adrenalin still pumping.

help4hubby

I had just recently opened up to a dear friend about his recent relapse and lying, it was so great to get that out to someone who I knew wouldn't judge or react harshly. I was feeling really good in the days leading up to this incident. Now there's even more for us both to deal with. I've decided I'm not going to help him with the financial aspect of this (fines, court costs, lawyer, counselor fees). I have agreed to go with him to talk to his counselor at some point but I think he needs to establish a relationship with her first.

His parents are very discouraged that he isn't abiding by the no contact order. They want him to come stay with them but he refuses and they say they can't make him do it. I'm scared to death about my family finding out but I really think that it would be better to be forthcoming with them than to try and hide it. I know he's scared too, but I think that is part of taking responsibility for his actions and he needs to accept that. I'm afraid of overwhelming him with too much right now bc I only just found out that he had been taking Suboxone and he will now be withdrawing from that. At the same time I think it's important that he understand how his addiction impacts the rest of us.

When he first came home from jail he didn't remember what had happened the night before and he blamed me for calling the police. I kept stressing to him how scared I was that night. After he had choked me which happened twice, he went into the kitchen and grabbed a knife and held it to his throat and wrists. He seems to understand now how bad things were and the damage he's caused but I'm really afraid that he's only seeking help to keep from losing me. He says he wanrs this for himself and that he's done with pills but I've heard that before. It feels like an impossible situation and I don't know how I can possibly ever trust him again.

Thank you so much for your support it means so much!

Ann

Please read the good information in this thread from the sticky posts at the top of this forum. You are soooo lucky he didn't kill you, and it would not have mattered whether he meant to or not, dead is dead...sorry to be so harsh but this man IS dangerous and you are wise to protect yourself fully.

Please don't think "it wasn't that bad" or "he just got carried away". Abuse is serious, and like addiction it is progressive. Please take very good care of yourself and please share with your family, this is important and not a "shameful secret".

I am so sorry you are going through this.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...sed-woman.html

Twofish

Dear Help, My husband and I had a "do not contact" order with our daughters after a physical fight and other things all steming from drug use. If the police find out if he violates this order or you violate this order, he could have his bail revoked and go back to jail or worse. If you feel safe and want to communicate with him, contact the victim protection department of the DA office and ask for "electronic/written communication" then you can talk, text, write letters. The DA takes these no contact orders very seriously. I'm sorry this happened to you and I don't want it to get worse by him violating the order. We are here to support you, we have been thru it. PM me with any details you want to know. Good luck and stay safe. TF

AnvilheadII

sweetheart, the protection order is for YOU....if he is violating that.....report it. otherwise it's meaningless. he's still drinking...he's a ticking time bomb. he is NOT taking this seriously....

Twofish

Hi Help, Anvil is sooo right. Like I said earlier if the police find out he has contacted you his bail or bond will be revoked. It killed me that I couldn't hear my girls voices or look at their texts, or even touch their hand...we only could contact each other thru a third person, so my mom and another friend relayed messages back and forth for weeks. Finally I asked the DA to talk to them, they said only electronic communication or letters/phone call. That went ok til one of the girls tried to commit suicide, then they allowed face to face contact. This was all done legally, with a judge who signed off on the documents allowing contact. Again, this is for your protection not his. It's serious and you should believe it now before the legal situation gets worse. Be safe! TF

Carlotta

In some States, the no contact goes both ways. If something happens and the cops show up and find out that he has been around and you did not call them, you could get hauled off to jail too.
I really feel for you and I just wanted to pitch in, my X started the physical abuse by trying to strangle me in a black out. I did not call the cops or anything and also thought it was a one time thing and was not afraid of him, guess what the abuse only escalated from there.
Why are your scared of your family finding out? You will probably get lots of support from them. Are you scared that if they find out that he abuses you and you still have him around and do not leave him they will start giving you s...t?
Is trying to hide it from your family a way for you to keep the door open to remaining in that relationship?
Anyway, I hope you will take this situation very seriously and take every measures possible to protect yourself. It will only get worst.

hugs

Carlotta

I could have written that one, it is what happened to me the first time Ed tried to strangle me. Everything!!!
Please believe me, it will only get worst. Enforce the restraining order, go no contact and call the cops when he shows up.

Twofish

Hi Help, I second what Carlotta said, it could go both ways if the police find out you are talking to him no matter who calls who. The no contact order is for your protection, like a cooling off period for both of you until the DA makes a decision on what to charge him with. Your In laws bail is in jepordy too. If he calls tell him he's violating the order. If he needs something in your home the police MUST accompany him to retrieve it or to send a third party to retrieve it. Don't regret what you did, this is the beginning of his road back to sobriety. The judge will see it and may order inpt therapy in condition of a bail or dropping the charges or reducing them. This is a good thing, don't feel guilty, in 6 months he just may thank you. Be safe. TF

LoveMeNow

If he is not staying at his parents, where is he staying?

atalose

The fact you are more frightened to tell your family and friends about all of this then you are remaining to live with the person who put you on the ground and put his hands around your throat.....speaks volumns on how much recovery YOU need to do.

At some point especially with violent outbursts you have to stop blaming just the drugs and take some kind of responsibility for yourself and your own safety.

He on the other hand so far has not had to be responsibly for any of it.

help4hubby

I want to thank each of you for your support and advice at a time when I desperately need it. Things are going ok today. My husband had his first appt with his counselor today. It went well, he likes her and felt comfortable opening up to her. His next appt with her is tomorrow. He has already begun to withdraw from suboxone and she has encouraged him to contact her day or night if whether he feels like using or even if he has already used.

Based on the advice I got from you all today I made some important and wise decisions for myself. I talked to my husband about not staying here due to the terms of his release. I'm a bit confused about it bc I never filed a protective order and I have yet to be notified that any such order is in place. I'm going to make some phone calls tomorrow to see about this. I told my husband that I strongly feel that he should not continue to drink regardless of the fact that it's "just beer" and "only 3 or 4". I explained my stance on it and that this was only my opinion based on my experiences with him under the influence. I made no demands or threats and acknowledged that the choice was his.

I told him that I would really like to support him in his recovery and that meant not enabling him by making excuses. I told him I needed to let my family know about what has been going on. Just like he needs support, so do I. NOT telling my family about this is huge, I talk with both my parents regularly, it's not like I'm gonna forget about this. I'm very worried about what their reaction would be if they found out another way than from me. My dad could very well show up to my husband's work unannounced and get physical. I also think if I hid this and they found out they would always worry I was hiding things from them.

I'm trying really hard here to be supportive of my husband during his recovery, hold him accountable for choices he's made and do what's healthy for myself all at the same time! To say that I'm overwhelmed is an understatement. Advice and support is always welcome, gentleness is much appreciated.

allforcnm

Im glad you posted tonight. I was just about to come and add a 'how are you doing' post. I was thinking about your family today, and hoping your husband did go to his therapy appointment. Im happy to hear it went well, and I think it is a big step in the right direction. (My husband used private therapy for his recovery; he still goes on a regular schedule & knows he has someone to call IF there should be a need). Im happy to hear they clicked, and she made emergency services available.

I think you have made a lot of important decisions today. I also know nothing about protective orders and such; I think it would be best to inquire about it with the proper authority, or an attorney. I know some things cant be dissolved without approval or there could be legal consequences. If you both want it dissolved before the court date maybe there is a way to do that... IF you feel safe. Its not something to minimize, but IMO drug use does cause behaviors that do not exist otherwise. Xanax is bad when abused; it is the drug that caused my husband to go into seizures when he tried to stop it on his own.

I will send up a prayer things go well with your family. I would also be afraid if I thought there could be some kind of an altercation between dad/husband. That would not help anyone.... All you can do is be honest. I have found when fessing up to my parents ( various deeds or problems - LoL) it always helped to follow up with what I was doing to resolve the situation, what kind of plan was in place, make it clear what I do need / don't need from them, and even share I was afraid to tell them, because of how I was doing emotionally. Often I have found things go better than I expect. I build up my own anxiety.

Twofish

Good morning Help, I was just about to post on your thread too like allforcnm did. I totally ditto with that advice. I feared judgement from my family and friends too. Who calls the cops on their own children? I heard that a lot. Well, I did, and it could of saved a life or two. I refused to sign the no contact order, I was just crying hysterically (see my thread if you have days to read, ha!) so my husband did. I remember the police saying it didn't matter, the order was recommended to the DA anyway. So my husband, with tears in his crying saddened eyes, signed it. If you are unsure, not sure on the state of WV, call the police non emergency number or the DAs victims assistance office and ask. Don't volunteer any info, just ask them if it's in place, if it is, what legally does it mean, etc. more important, how are you doing? YOU are the victim, not your husband. He is the victim of addiction and he can help himself with therapy, as I see he is doing. What are you doing? Join a group like family of addicts or I think it's called NAMI? Just call your local behavior health center, they will steer you in the right direction. Be good to yourself, remember you did nothing wrong, you are the victim of a domestic incident, it's gonna take time and support to heal yourself inside and outside. Take care, hugs being sent, TF

atalose

My best guess regarding the protective order is that it comes naturally when an act of domestic violence has occurred. Most often the “victim” will refuse to press charges so the police and courts act in their best interest even when they do not do that for themselves.

help4hubby

Today went well. I found out that the no contact order was triggered by the domestic battery charge. Regardless of whether or not I wanted to press charges or file for a protective order the state automatically takes that action. My husband and/or myself can petition the court to have it dropped but more than likely it will be ignored until a lawyer files it. My husband went to another appoint with his counselor today and it went well. She referred him to a dr to help manage his suboxone withdrawal as well as his chronic pain issues (which is why he began having an issue with opiates in the first place). He was able to see the dr today and she wrote him an Rx for 8 suboxone. He is also scheduled for an MRI of his back tomorrow and will then schedule an appt to try some injections in his spine to manage his pain.

I'm really happy that things are moving forward for him and he is making some progress. I have an appointment on the 21st to speak with someone. At some point I will join my husband for a joint session with his counselor, but for now I want him to focus on establishing a relationship with her. I talked to my mom today and talked to her about my husband's relapse. I decided not to tell her about the domestic violence and arrest YET. I want to ease her into this (today was her 21st wedding anniversary with my stepdad). She took the news of his relapse really well. I told her my plan and that I had the support of my in-laws as well as SR. She was very comforted to hear that and she let me know that I have her full support. I think the fact that I told her before anyone else in my family let her know that I really trusted her with this information. Now the hard part will be telling her the rest of the story :-\ but it has to be done. I'm not doing anyone any favors by keeping this a secret. Hopefully she and my sister can help me tell my dad.

allforcnm

Sounds like you BOTH are doing all the right things.

Im happy to hear he is getting the medical help he needs, and prayers for a positive report on the MRI tomorrow. My husbands pain med problem started because of an injury/surgeries/physical therapy - can be a long road I know.

I bet you are relieved to get the initial talk over with your mom. Its ok to ease her into it... Im so happy you have a good family/friend support system... and SR. So many positive steps you took today ! Hope your feeling a little better tonight.