overit263

Just wanted to vent. I hate it when you finally get out of the cycle with an addict (for me divorcing him) and you can be doing the most normal everyday thing in the world, and it suddenly pops into your head..."damn, when he said he was at (insert name of place here)...he was out using! Or, when I asked him to go do (insert task here), he lied and said he couldn't because of (insert lie here).

All these moments seem to come back and smack you in the brain, or someone will say something that will trigger another now known lie. I'm going through a divorce from an addict, so it doesn't matter, but there are times when I could totally kick myself for not realizing some of the blatant lies. So annoying, yet affirmation enough that getting out is the right thing. I have no communication from my XaH, but I don't even need him to tell me all the bs he lied about. Now I know that most everything ended up being a lie.

Thanks for letting me share!

jjj111

I have those aha moments too, looking back on an ABF I broke up with a couple years ago. I still wonder sometimes--how many of the times that he took a "long bath" was he in there using? How many of the times he "couldn't sleep" and told me to go to bed without him was he up using? (His DOC was cocaine.) It amazes me how I blinded myself! And yet, when I look back, I realize that I was skipping along past so many red flags, blinding myself to them. I still struggle with the anger at myself and him, but I have tried to take it as a lesson. He taught me to keep my eyes open, especially when I most want to shut them, and my breakup with him taught me how liberating it is to detach with love. I hope you can make some kind of peace with the memory of your ex eventually!

overit263

It annoys me because it just pops up out of the blue! Hopefully it stops soon. I think once the divorce is final I will really be able to relax and I won't think about those things as much if at all!

GardenMama

It's our mind's way of processing, I think. I learned a little trick from a therapist (that I then added to) for the many, many anxieties I had once and the moments that you have described, too. When one of those random thoughts pops in, you immediately imagine it first as a bubble, let it float by, away from you into the air, and then imagine it popping.(Popping is the part I added. ) The act of imagining something real--turning at thought into a bubble--somehow takes my mind away just long enough to get back to what I am supposed to be doing or thinking about.

Just a little something to share...It will pass, but don't expect it to magically happen when the divorce is final...Takes a little longer than that, but it does get better, I promise.

overit263

Thanks Garden Mama! I will definitely try that! I like the popping part too! I know it won't disappear, and surprisingly I'm dealing with the loss of a partner, rather the loss of someone that couldn't act as a partner, way better than I thought. I thought I would lose sleep, worry, miss him badly, but those things didn't happen. I think I ended it when I was ready to end it thankfully. I really try to live by. "Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me". I know I gave it everything I could, I didn't make myself crazy after the first relapse. I told him that if it happened again we had to divorce and that's what happened. I feel like a much better person that I didn't let his disease become my disease and I didn't snoop or check on him. I think I was so devastated from the first relapse (finding needles in the car when going to buy a Christmas tree- him bargaining "it's not what it looks like!" And kicking him out. I think it killed a little part of me that I couldn't get back again. It breaks my heart when I read the devastation that people are just now going through because that pain is a horrible pain. I can't tell you how thankful I am for this site and everyone on it, because I truly believe it has helped me cope and not fall apart with the divorce.

story74

I can relate. I see it as healing, and do the same as garden mama. It pops in my head. I may feel an emotion (anger, sadness ect.) and then after I think about it, I try to visualize letting it go. I look back at what I went through and it was very fast and traumatic. It has taken me 2.5 years to "let go" of a lot. But letting go feels good. It is how we heal.

sevenofnine

It's important to forgive ( ourself and others), because otherwise we are chained by that anger or sadness, chained to the negativity that holds us down. Forgive not because he deserves it, but because you do.

I think if you are able to forgive the transgressions, you will not feel so knocked over when you discover more of them. For me, the forgiveness starts as an intellectual choice that grows into an emotional felling of forgiveness over time and repetitions of that choice. Kind of like fake it till you make it.


And I definitely relate to what you are going through, thanks for sharing.

overit263

He started contact again, and he's not nice at all, so I know in due time I will forgive, because I do feel sorry for him that he's not using all of the help he's gotten to get better. He's still very clearly sick since he won't apologize, nor tell me anything that he's been doing for the past year. He's still very manipulative - which makes for me having a five minute cry fest, then I move on, blocked his number yesterday after the manipulation started again. How mean they can be is the hardest thing for me, but he can't take anymore from me than he already has, all the damage is done that can be.Once everything with the divorce is finalized, then I will be able to completely forgive and move on and not hold on to the hurt anymore, it's just hard right now because he's still trying to mess up my life-like enough of that hasn't happened already! I know this is morbid, but I worry more about getting a call that he's died of an overdose and what I'm supposed to do when that happens. Hence the drive to file for divorce too, I was fearful once I knew he wasn't taking sobriety seriously that he would die and I would have to take on all of his debts, half of which I know I have no clue about! He obviously wasn't focused on getting well, so I started to deal with the reality that a sick person with no intention of getting clean, could go at any time.

SilentLove

overit,

wow. I am so sorry you have to go through this. it seems you are way over it. Good for you! It takes a lot to walk away from someone you love. Wish I could take my own advice sometimes.

lettingonow

I think they get jealous of us for having the strength to move on and make our lives better. Misery really does love company. Some of my qualifiers hate my guts because I've done that and yeah I still worry about them too which is surprising and confusing to me. I agree that letting go is healing, forgiving for me has been harder but I'm working on it.

overit263

I think you're right lettingonow. I think that they are angry because we are no longer a source of anything for them. You would think they would just disappear and find someone new to use though, or at least that's what I would think. I always have that fear that if years from now, he's still alive, that he's going to try to come back and apologize when leaving me alone for good is apology enough.