jjj111

So my sister made it through her rapid detox program for opiates. I was worried about her a little while she was there because I know it can be very painful and that people have even died during this procedure. (They basically put you under anesthesia for days while you go through the worst of opiate detox.) But I managed to keep the worry in check and keep doing things I enjoy, focusing on work, and so on.

Since she got out, I am struggling to find appropriate boundaries. I am the older sister and we have a pattern that goes back to childhood of me mothering her. Our parents were alcoholics, so we often took care of each other when our parents were drunk/hungover/fighting, etc., which was most of the time.

I'm proud of her for seeking recovery, but I'm also trying to avoid becoming her therapist, talking her through her problems, trying to solve her problems, etc. This program was only a few days long and she is still going through withdrawal and also still dealing with a lot of psychological issues. She has been writing me a lot. A couple times she has tried to push my buttons and get me to engage in our old patterns, seeking my advice and then becoming angry when I try to keep my distance. Today she wrote me a LONG e-mail about her withdrawal symptoms, her fears, how much she misses our mother who died a few years back, etc. I've tried to keep my responses short and supportive without getting dragged into the role of therapist, but even reading these e-mails and then finding the strength to distance myself is kind of exhausting. A lot of the things she says bring up a lot of intense feelings for me.

Anyway, I just wanted to share. I'm not sure if I have a question? I guess I'm just wondering if anyone has thoughts on where healthy boundaries might lie in this kind of situation? When I think about it, I guess I'm feeling kind of angry. One thing I have tried to do instead of giving her advice is to share what's been going on in my life, but she never responds, just talks about her own issues. I guess I feel like the whole thing is kind of one-sided. Anyway, I hope you are all having a serene evening! Hugs!

-JJJ

interrupted

I have a similar relationship with my younger sister (also a heroin addict). I basically raised her when she was very young, and I have always taken on the role of momma, even when I wasn't necessarily asked to do so. I understand the struggle with trying not to fall back into old unhealthy habits when communicating with our loved ones.

For a while I was no contact with my sister because of her addiction, and now our contact is still quite limited, but we have had several conversations. One thing that helped me was to not ever answer the phone. I know that sounds ridiculous, but seriously. Waiting a bit and letting her leave a message, and then listening to it and forming my response without the pressure of her engagement made it easier for me to have a planned and thoughtful response. Then I would return her call once I was calm and in a good frame of mind to resist escalation.

I am still struggling mightily with offering advice when it's not requested. I am so bad about that. Sometimes I don't even realize it. I guess much of the time I don't - but I'm really working on this. Taking the time to prepare myself before we talk helps me control this bad habit, too. It hurts to realize that talking to me is probably a huge drag. I can't imagine how annoying I must be! Just think how great everything could be if only she would realize that all of my unsolicited advice is flawless and worth its weight in gold!

jjj111

Thanks so much for sharing your story, Interrupted. I needed to be reminded that it's OK to take the time I need to respond to her thoughtfully. Sometimes when she sends e-mails (we are mostly in touch by e-mail) where she is hurting or upset, I go into emergency mode and feel like I have to get right back to her. But it is so important sometimes to take a few breaths and do something to distract myself, and then respond to her when I am calm and centered! And yes, the advice giving sometimes happens before I even know what I'm doing! I'm trying to listen to myself and replace my advice with affirmation, but it's a struggle and I'm still a work in progress!

pravchaw

Great insight! - I need to remember that with my son.