The Relapse - Do I kick him out
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Mass
Posts: 149
The Relapse - Do I kick him out
I haven't posted in a while. My son was doing so well. Attending AA meeting, doing the right things and then BOOM. One of the AA meeting leaders that he had become close to relapsed. Anyway, my son was visiting him and now he has relapsed. I realize that my son made the choice this guy who had been sober for 8 years was a convenient excuse for my son. Now, it has been a couple of weeks - none that he was what he would call drunk drunk but enough that he was drunk. We talked and had a discussion that we would not allow him to live in our house if he was drinking.
Tonight he left to go to this friends house and as he was leaving he said I may or may not drink. Well, he WILL drink because he has opportunity and he is an alcoholic.
So, I've set rules and boundaries but the hard part is following through. My heart aches but I know I have to do this. He has no money, no job, nothing. He is a student and finishing college - the classes he completely screwed up last year. He is set to graduate.
Anyone have advice on how to let go? I've gone to enough Al-Anon that I know I have to. I'm just not sure my heart can take it.
Sorry this is jumbled my world is just crumbling.
Tonight he left to go to this friends house and as he was leaving he said I may or may not drink. Well, he WILL drink because he has opportunity and he is an alcoholic.
So, I've set rules and boundaries but the hard part is following through. My heart aches but I know I have to do this. He has no money, no job, nothing. He is a student and finishing college - the classes he completely screwed up last year. He is set to graduate.
Anyone have advice on how to let go? I've gone to enough Al-Anon that I know I have to. I'm just not sure my heart can take it.
Sorry this is jumbled my world is just crumbling.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: northeast
Posts: 468
Someone gave me the advice when my son relapsed that I didn't have to decide what to do immediately. For some reason, that helped. Take a moment to determine your boundaries. He's young, relapses happen and it doesn't have to be the end of the world.
I forgot, is he driving? Or, did he lose his license after the accident?
I forgot, is he driving? Or, did he lose his license after the accident?
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Mass
Posts: 149
He doesn't have the car. The car is in my name and once he relapsed the first thing I did was take the keys. The DUI was dropped so he doesn't have anything on his driving record but I can't allow him to be actively drinking and driving. Although I hope he has learned his lesson from that. I can't take that chance.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
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Hi BlueSkies - it must be a terrible decision for you. You know your son will take advantage of the (free?) board because that's what they do, alcoholic or not. Are you enabling him if you let him stay? If the answer is yes, then it would probably be in his own interest to get him to leave.
Have you considered sitting him down when he is sober and gently explaining that your heart is breaking, but he has to go? He sounds like an honest person. The thing is he broke the boundaries you set willingly, and you don't have much choice but to follow through.
Have you considered sitting him down when he is sober and gently explaining that your heart is breaking, but he has to go? He sounds like an honest person. The thing is he broke the boundaries you set willingly, and you don't have much choice but to follow through.
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Hello BlueSkies, Only you can know if you are willing to follow through on your boundary. Perhaps if you gave him 30 days to find some other living arrangement.
My husband provided his son with 30 days notice to leave after his daughter found crack pipes in his room, etc., and that just was not going to be allowed. It did not go very smoothly, and my stepson hemmed and hawed and waited around until the last minute because he did not think it would happen--but it did.
If you do enforce this boundary for yourself, expect a lot of promises for change, etc. We got that from my stepson, too, but change never happened as long as he was living at home.
My husband provided his son with 30 days notice to leave after his daughter found crack pipes in his room, etc., and that just was not going to be allowed. It did not go very smoothly, and my stepson hemmed and hawed and waited around until the last minute because he did not think it would happen--but it did.
If you do enforce this boundary for yourself, expect a lot of promises for change, etc. We got that from my stepson, too, but change never happened as long as he was living at home.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Blueskiesagain,
My XA was not my child so I cannot begin to relate to how difficult this may be for you. I second the poster that said you can take your time making a decision on how you are going to resolve this situation.
Your son knows that you do not want him drinking as long as he is under your roof and he knows you well enough to know that you would be faced with this heart wrenching punch in the gut moment. Like all active A's your heartbreak is of little matter and he is confident that you will not pull the trigger and put him in the street.
The fact is you care more than he does at this point... King Baby is on the throne!
As you know you cannot stop him from drinking and nor can you put him on house arrest. However, you can attempt to keep him from bringing it into the house or drinking in your home as a boundary.
One tactic I used with my XA is I required him to attend one AA meeting a day. AA is decidedly not fun if you are under the influence or actively using alcohol!
Drawing a line in the sand and asking that "rent" be paid in the form of daily AA attendance and no drinking in the home will change his behaviors as he reacts. He will not be home much and he will not be happy.
If Mama is not happy there is no reason to he should be happy either while still being supported in the family home.
If you have a family counselor versed in addiction I would require that too... and if he doesn't like it your requirements hand him his suitcase.
If he flunks out or quits school he can always go back.
Those are just thoughts of how I probably would react if it were my child that I was supporting ... but again, every situation is different and only you can decide what is in the best interest of your family and your son.
Whatever you decide remember that you are not responsible for his recovery... only he can determine his destiny in that area.
My XA was not my child so I cannot begin to relate to how difficult this may be for you. I second the poster that said you can take your time making a decision on how you are going to resolve this situation.
Your son knows that you do not want him drinking as long as he is under your roof and he knows you well enough to know that you would be faced with this heart wrenching punch in the gut moment. Like all active A's your heartbreak is of little matter and he is confident that you will not pull the trigger and put him in the street.
The fact is you care more than he does at this point... King Baby is on the throne!
As you know you cannot stop him from drinking and nor can you put him on house arrest. However, you can attempt to keep him from bringing it into the house or drinking in your home as a boundary.
One tactic I used with my XA is I required him to attend one AA meeting a day. AA is decidedly not fun if you are under the influence or actively using alcohol!
Drawing a line in the sand and asking that "rent" be paid in the form of daily AA attendance and no drinking in the home will change his behaviors as he reacts. He will not be home much and he will not be happy.
If Mama is not happy there is no reason to he should be happy either while still being supported in the family home.
If you have a family counselor versed in addiction I would require that too... and if he doesn't like it your requirements hand him his suitcase.
If he flunks out or quits school he can always go back.
Those are just thoughts of how I probably would react if it were my child that I was supporting ... but again, every situation is different and only you can decide what is in the best interest of your family and your son.
Whatever you decide remember that you are not responsible for his recovery... only he can determine his destiny in that area.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: northeast
Posts: 468
Originally Posted by BlueSkiesAgain 
He doesn't have the car. The car is in my name and once he relapsed the first thing I did was take the keys. The DUI was dropped so he doesn't have anything on his driving record but I can't allow him to be actively drinking and driving. Although I hope he has learned his lesson from that. I can't take that chance.
I'm sorry he's relapsed. I know how painful that is. Your DS knows what he has to do- now he's just got to want to do it. Come to think of it, I think it was my son's painful consequences (DUI included) that made him want to get sober.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: RhodeIsland
Posts: 175
Originally Posted by HopefulmomtoD
They dropped the DUI? Wasn't be obviously drinking and driving? My son's DUI was a BIG deal that he's still digging out of two years later and he only got pulled over going 45 in a 35. Don't get me wrong, he was drinking and driving, and deserved it- but I'm surprised how many people "get out" of their DUIs. We recently had a superintendent of one of our schools get out of one and get out of it. Doesn't seem fair ... but, oh well, life's not fair. Okay off my soap box.
I'm sorry he's relapsed. I know how painful that is. Your DS knows what he has to do- now he's just got to want to do it. Come to think of it, I think it was my son's painful consequences (DUI included) that made him want to get sober.
I'm sorry he's relapsed. I know how painful that is. Your DS knows what he has to do- now he's just got to want to do it. Come to think of it, I think it was my son's painful consequences (DUI included) that made him want to get sober.
Looking her up in the court system, her DUI is being dropped as well. No criminal record for the pretty little white girl. If you're from a "good family" you stand a fair chance of having it dismissed after attending some classes and AA meetings. All the "Drive Sober or get pulled over" commercials don't mention the two-tiered system of "justice"
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: London Ont
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Im 28 live on my own, when I relapsed my mother was devastated. I relapsed for 7.5 months. But unfortunately that didn't change my drinking habits. I did care how she felt, sometimes the guilt of letting my family down made me drink more... Sounds rediculus and selfish!
The only thing that was going to make me change was myself... Wanting to achieve a desirable life style. I find if I set realistic goals for myself, it really motivates me. It feels good once they complete. Things just as small as cleaning out the closet.
Having no money of your own wouldn't be a good feeling. Maybe writing a new resume and looking for a part time job might make him feel like he is contributing to socity more... With more responsibility he may not want to drink and grab a hold of his life...
Best of luck to you and your Son.
The only thing that was going to make me change was myself... Wanting to achieve a desirable life style. I find if I set realistic goals for myself, it really motivates me. It feels good once they complete. Things just as small as cleaning out the closet.
Having no money of your own wouldn't be a good feeling. Maybe writing a new resume and looking for a part time job might make him feel like he is contributing to socity more... With more responsibility he may not want to drink and grab a hold of his life...
Best of luck to you and your Son.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New York
Posts: 877
BlueSkiesAgain,
I am so sorry you are in this terrible situation. I can not even imagine how hard it would be to ask my child to leave the house knowing he had nowhere else to go.
However, as someone whose 40 year old addict brother still lives with her mother, I encourage you to put your faith in your HP and ask for the courage to do it. I know my mom wishes she had made my brother leave when he was young, but now (in her mind) it's too late.
Your son is young. Young people find ways to survive. They crash in each other's dorm rooms, or sleep on someone's floor. I truly believe your DS needs to face life without his soft place to fall. He needs to learn that if he falls again, the landing is going to really hurt.
I'm sending you love and support!
Sent from my iPhone using SoberRecovery
I am so sorry you are in this terrible situation. I can not even imagine how hard it would be to ask my child to leave the house knowing he had nowhere else to go.
However, as someone whose 40 year old addict brother still lives with her mother, I encourage you to put your faith in your HP and ask for the courage to do it. I know my mom wishes she had made my brother leave when he was young, but now (in her mind) it's too late.
Your son is young. Young people find ways to survive. They crash in each other's dorm rooms, or sleep on someone's floor. I truly believe your DS needs to face life without his soft place to fall. He needs to learn that if he falls again, the landing is going to really hurt.
I'm sending you love and support!
Sent from my iPhone using SoberRecovery
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: northeast
Posts: 468
Originally Posted by RhodeIsland
We had a girl (22 or 23) here in RI pulled over on the wrong side of 95 (heading northbound on the southbound side) a week before Christmas two years ago.
Looking her up in the court system, her DUI is being dropped as well. No criminal record for the pretty little white girl. If you're from a "good family" you stand a fair chance of having it dismissed after attending some classes and AA meetings. All the "Drive Sober or get pulled over" commercials don't mention the two-tiered system of "justice"
Looking her up in the court system, her DUI is being dropped as well. No criminal record for the pretty little white girl. If you're from a "good family" you stand a fair chance of having it dismissed after attending some classes and AA meetings. All the "Drive Sober or get pulled over" commercials don't mention the two-tiered system of "justice"
That is unbelievable that she was driving the wrong way on 95 and can get out of it.
DS made a comment to the policeman "what happens if I don't blow" and the policeman basically said, "I'll take that as a refusal" which translates into an automatic DUI. He was young and stupid and had been drinking ... so I don't want to sound like I'm defending him. But, I had seen him moments before he got it and couldn't even tell he had been drinking. He's had a big hole to dig out of from it ... If its wrong for some, then its wrong for all.
I'm sorry to derail blueskiesagain thread, though. Hopefully her DS realizes what a break he got and doesn't do it again.
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I just finished reading "Stay Close" by Libby Cataldi--a mother's story of her son's addiction. A powerful book!! I strongly advise this book for any parent struggling with their child's addiction--no matter what the age.
This book really speaks to the mother's heart ---the fear, the helplessness, the stress and guilt and shame, the utter heartbreak.....
You can get it used for less than 10$ on Amazon (including shipping).
BlueSkies, the book brought me comfort--it might do so for you.
dandylion
This book really speaks to the mother's heart ---the fear, the helplessness, the stress and guilt and shame, the utter heartbreak.....
You can get it used for less than 10$ on Amazon (including shipping).
BlueSkies, the book brought me comfort--it might do so for you.
dandylion
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Join Date: Sep 2012
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Thank you all for your support. We have set up the boundaries and he will go to either IOP or in patient treatment. He has spent the day with his AA mentors and is home now in bed. We have a 30 notice in place if he should decide again that he needs to go out and drink.
As for the DUI - he wrecked the car and left it. He was not seen in the car and the police found him at his house. He did not do the breathalyzer. When he went to court the officer did not show up so that part was dropped.
Fourmaggie - for me I'm going to Al-Anon and reading the literature. I'm not feeling guilty and I'm not treating him like a child. He is an adult. When he came in last night I was in the bed - I didn't get up and didn't "fight" as I would have in the past. As a matter of fact when I laid my head down to sleep I went to sleep. He has to make his own decisions now. One thing I have learned is you can't talk to someone drunk. No point in trying so I didn't. If nothing else comes of last night I know that I have given him over to my higher power and I'm in the mist of finding my peace.
HopefulmomtoD - thank you for saying I didn't have to make a decision immediately. I would have packed his bags and he would be out tonight - instead I was able to calmly discuss this whole relapse and where it is taken him.
Also, my son was attending a meeting everyday. One of the leaders who had been sober for 8 years relapsed and the newly sober kids followed him. My son choose the path and it is his fault.
Dandylion - thanks for the book suggestion. I'll look it up.
And yes we paid for the lawyer when he had the wreck last year. That I don't regret. The courts didn't take his license but we as parents did take the car so he didn't drive until he had six months sober.
As for the DUI - he wrecked the car and left it. He was not seen in the car and the police found him at his house. He did not do the breathalyzer. When he went to court the officer did not show up so that part was dropped.
Fourmaggie - for me I'm going to Al-Anon and reading the literature. I'm not feeling guilty and I'm not treating him like a child. He is an adult. When he came in last night I was in the bed - I didn't get up and didn't "fight" as I would have in the past. As a matter of fact when I laid my head down to sleep I went to sleep. He has to make his own decisions now. One thing I have learned is you can't talk to someone drunk. No point in trying so I didn't. If nothing else comes of last night I know that I have given him over to my higher power and I'm in the mist of finding my peace.
HopefulmomtoD - thank you for saying I didn't have to make a decision immediately. I would have packed his bags and he would be out tonight - instead I was able to calmly discuss this whole relapse and where it is taken him.
Also, my son was attending a meeting everyday. One of the leaders who had been sober for 8 years relapsed and the newly sober kids followed him. My son choose the path and it is his fault.
Dandylion - thanks for the book suggestion. I'll look it up.
And yes we paid for the lawyer when he had the wreck last year. That I don't regret. The courts didn't take his license but we as parents did take the car so he didn't drive until he had six months sober.
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