Alone and it's painful
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 3,986
Alone and it's painful
Hello folks,
I'm 3 and a half months sober from alcohol. I've spent this whole Canadian Thanksgiving alone. My few girlfriends are home or away with extended family.
I'm screaming out inside, the loneliness is almost unbearable. I'm doing everything to keep it together, but today, now, I cannot bear it. I was out raking leaves, but can't stop the tears. I'm not religious, but thought I'd go to a local church Thanksgiving dinner, but it's not until Nov 1, for some strange reason!
I post on the July thread. I'm 55, retired, widowed 6 years, no kids, no family support, a few good girl-friends who I rarely get to see because of their family commitments.
I just feel I have to keep plugging away, and I am, and proud of that, but it's just bloody sucking the life out of me today, and I don't know what to do/where to turn for just a little hopefulness/relief. I immerse myself in recovery literature, and this site, a wonderful resource, but I'm terribly fearful today, and I don't know what to do, I fear for things not getting better, despite my determined efforts.
I wonder what went so terribly wrong that I've ended up in this sad state. I'm friendly and approachable, but at my age, and this particular community, it's extremely hard to break into established social circles, and make new friends.
I would like to move to the city where I might be able to do more things, have more volunteering opportunities, but I can't afford to live there, so I feel sort of stuck in a town that really isn't my "own", moved here from another city to be with my husband who was born/raised/worked here.
I would just like to have a sense of some hopefulness on this path. I'm determined to carry on, but it just all seems so fruitless right now. Pretty sad, but I don't fear relapsing, I know that won't take me anywhere but down, but how do I keep going? Keep a positive spirit at times like these?
I'm 3 and a half months sober from alcohol. I've spent this whole Canadian Thanksgiving alone. My few girlfriends are home or away with extended family.
I'm screaming out inside, the loneliness is almost unbearable. I'm doing everything to keep it together, but today, now, I cannot bear it. I was out raking leaves, but can't stop the tears. I'm not religious, but thought I'd go to a local church Thanksgiving dinner, but it's not until Nov 1, for some strange reason!
I post on the July thread. I'm 55, retired, widowed 6 years, no kids, no family support, a few good girl-friends who I rarely get to see because of their family commitments.
I just feel I have to keep plugging away, and I am, and proud of that, but it's just bloody sucking the life out of me today, and I don't know what to do/where to turn for just a little hopefulness/relief. I immerse myself in recovery literature, and this site, a wonderful resource, but I'm terribly fearful today, and I don't know what to do, I fear for things not getting better, despite my determined efforts.
I wonder what went so terribly wrong that I've ended up in this sad state. I'm friendly and approachable, but at my age, and this particular community, it's extremely hard to break into established social circles, and make new friends.
I would like to move to the city where I might be able to do more things, have more volunteering opportunities, but I can't afford to live there, so I feel sort of stuck in a town that really isn't my "own", moved here from another city to be with my husband who was born/raised/worked here.
I would just like to have a sense of some hopefulness on this path. I'm determined to carry on, but it just all seems so fruitless right now. Pretty sad, but I don't fear relapsing, I know that won't take me anywhere but down, but how do I keep going? Keep a positive spirit at times like these?
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
Hi Leshar.
I very sorry to read about your current condition. The holidays have a way of stimulating feelings of loneliness and tend to make these feelings even more intense when we actually are alone.
I don't know that there is a quick fix for loneliness, but I imagine that staying connected here would help, with many of us likely experiencing loneliness throughout the holidays.
Doing volunteer work when I first got sober many years ago went a long way in soothing my feelings and helping me feel connected in a good way. There's nothing like helping those who are less fortunate than we are to help us feel grateful for what we have.
I was also fully involved in AA and in my recovery through the Big Book Twelve Steps when the holidays came around the first time in sobriety. I felt as though I always had a place to go or someone to talk to, no matter what.
Posting here is a good start, and I anticipate that you'll get a lot of support.
You're not alone.
I very sorry to read about your current condition. The holidays have a way of stimulating feelings of loneliness and tend to make these feelings even more intense when we actually are alone.
I don't know that there is a quick fix for loneliness, but I imagine that staying connected here would help, with many of us likely experiencing loneliness throughout the holidays.
Doing volunteer work when I first got sober many years ago went a long way in soothing my feelings and helping me feel connected in a good way. There's nothing like helping those who are less fortunate than we are to help us feel grateful for what we have.
I was also fully involved in AA and in my recovery through the Big Book Twelve Steps when the holidays came around the first time in sobriety. I felt as though I always had a place to go or someone to talk to, no matter what.
Posting here is a good start, and I anticipate that you'll get a lot of support.
You're not alone.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 352
Leshar...
Thank you for posting today, and welcome to SR. Congratulations on your sober time, I really mean that, it isn't easy but its so inspiring to read when new comers are over coming their addictions. I know somewhat how you feel, I am alone most of my free time as well, I dont have any friends to speak of, well, at least who are in close proximity to me. How do you get through the feelings of loneliness? For myself, I usually take my dog out for a walk, listening to nature, watching the birds, looking at insects, trying to become a little more in tune with nature. Have you considered getting an animal from a rescue society? Its helpful to feel needed, and there are alot of animals who would love to make your house their home too. Other than that, a nice cup of tea and a good book burns away time, going for exercise at a gym or pool helps... cooking yourself something nice will help make you feel better too. Coming here helps me too, have you tried out the chat? lots of good people there. Keep up your spirits and good work..
Thank you for posting today, and welcome to SR. Congratulations on your sober time, I really mean that, it isn't easy but its so inspiring to read when new comers are over coming their addictions. I know somewhat how you feel, I am alone most of my free time as well, I dont have any friends to speak of, well, at least who are in close proximity to me. How do you get through the feelings of loneliness? For myself, I usually take my dog out for a walk, listening to nature, watching the birds, looking at insects, trying to become a little more in tune with nature. Have you considered getting an animal from a rescue society? Its helpful to feel needed, and there are alot of animals who would love to make your house their home too. Other than that, a nice cup of tea and a good book burns away time, going for exercise at a gym or pool helps... cooking yourself something nice will help make you feel better too. Coming here helps me too, have you tried out the chat? lots of good people there. Keep up your spirits and good work..
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 526
well, first you are not alone... we are here for you.
but i know how tough it might especially during the holidays. i recall years back when i just broke up with my girl and it was valentine's day.
everyone (including her and her new guy) were out and about. and i was with fever in bed watching tv. what a sad day that was. it's probably been 10 years, and i still remember that day.
i'm not sure if anyone could remain in positive spirits, especially at times like that. however, you are not giving up... and that's positive.
do you have any hobbies?
can you simply go for a long walk?
go on youtube and find a yoga session that you can do for 30 min or so.
the goal is to get your mind off this... i hope you'll find some comfort.
but i know how tough it might especially during the holidays. i recall years back when i just broke up with my girl and it was valentine's day.
everyone (including her and her new guy) were out and about. and i was with fever in bed watching tv. what a sad day that was. it's probably been 10 years, and i still remember that day.
i'm not sure if anyone could remain in positive spirits, especially at times like that. however, you are not giving up... and that's positive.
do you have any hobbies?
can you simply go for a long walk?
go on youtube and find a yoga session that you can do for 30 min or so.
the goal is to get your mind off this... i hope you'll find some comfort.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,518
I'm sorry you are hurting Leshar. I know it's not the same as face-to-face friendships, but we're your friends too - and we're always around. I'm glad you wanted to talk about it.
I agree that holidays can be brutal. You're 3-1/2 mos. sober, which is great - but it's still early days yet. My emotions were all over the place at that point. I was sort of sorry for myself, even though I was thrilled to be free of alcohol and clear headed for the first time in many years. Things got much better for me - & those melancholy feelings all faded. I'm sure things will improve for you Leshar.
Don't forget, we care about you.
I agree that holidays can be brutal. You're 3-1/2 mos. sober, which is great - but it's still early days yet. My emotions were all over the place at that point. I was sort of sorry for myself, even though I was thrilled to be free of alcohol and clear headed for the first time in many years. Things got much better for me - & those melancholy feelings all faded. I'm sure things will improve for you Leshar.
Don't forget, we care about you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Toronto
Posts: 3,195
Hi Leshar,
I am also in Canada and spending Thanksgiving alone. I certainly feel lonely, but then again, i feel lonely all the time so this weekend doesn't really faze me. Tomorrow the holiday is over and maybe your feelings of loneliness will have subsided.
I am also in Canada and spending Thanksgiving alone. I certainly feel lonely, but then again, i feel lonely all the time so this weekend doesn't really faze me. Tomorrow the holiday is over and maybe your feelings of loneliness will have subsided.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,308
Hi Leshar,
Sorry to hear you are feeling sad. I spend a lot of time alone but am rarely lonely. Is there some activity or social club you could join to meet people whom you may have something in common with? Have you tried an AA meeting to meet other people in recovery?
caiHong
Sorry to hear you are feeling sad. I spend a lot of time alone but am rarely lonely. Is there some activity or social club you could join to meet people whom you may have something in common with? Have you tried an AA meeting to meet other people in recovery?
caiHong
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: England
Posts: 39
Sorry you are feeling so alone at the moment. I haven't posted on the July thread for a while and not up to date with everyone.
I know this may seem a bit off the wall to you but you say you are only 55 and yet you are retired. We use work as so much more than a means of getting money. Would a move to somewhere you would like better be possible if you could find some paid work?
If work is not an option. What interests you? Is there something you would like to or achieve. Could you do a qualification - we have the Open University in the UK- can you study for something or would it cost too much?
I really hope you can find something to inspire you. You have achieved sobriety - next step is to find another smaller challenge - if you can kick the booze you can do it.
Keep posting. You have friends here who care.
I know this may seem a bit off the wall to you but you say you are only 55 and yet you are retired. We use work as so much more than a means of getting money. Would a move to somewhere you would like better be possible if you could find some paid work?
If work is not an option. What interests you? Is there something you would like to or achieve. Could you do a qualification - we have the Open University in the UK- can you study for something or would it cost too much?
I really hope you can find something to inspire you. You have achieved sobriety - next step is to find another smaller challenge - if you can kick the booze you can do it.
Keep posting. You have friends here who care.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 3,986
Thank you so much, everyone for the responses. I feel I have calmed a little, thanks to being able to post here, and I really appreciate the feedback.
Yes, I think it is because it's a big holiday here that I sort of "lost it" this evening. I do very much feel grateful for my ability to do things like rake leaves, I mean, I'm reasonably healthy, not in pain, and it's a lovely Fall day here.
To Losteverything, I have a bird and I'm thankful for his company! It's nice to have another heartbeat in my home, and he sings/talks away, and I have the chance to talk/vocalize with him.
I do yoga, and have been doing breathing practice on and off all day, as I had tremendous anxiety earlier. It helps, and all of you do too!
Wastinglife, I feel for you being alone over Thanksgiving, it's not much fun, is it?
I'm on a waiting list to volunteer with the Canadian Institute for the Blind. The issue in my town is that there are many seniors/retirees who want to volunteer, and few spots for us all.
I'm taking acting classes for seniors in the city, I'm really enjoying the experience. The problem is that to get further into it, I really need to be closer, so that worries me, mouldering away in this town.
All of our couple friends eventually stopped calling/visiting/inviting me over, my hb predicted this would happen. It sucks, but I get it, it's an imbalance of sorts, the dynamics don't work anymore.
Riky, what a nice thing to say! Thanks!
I love the outdoors, hiking, biking, swimming in the lakes in the summer.
I recently joined a hiking group, and went on a hike a couple of weeks ago, so I think I'm trying to "get out there".
I am determined to try and push through the unpleasant feelings.
Tomorrow is the beginning of my next course in the acting class, and I'm looking forward to that.
It feels good to know that others too feel/understand the pain of loneliness/isolation, and we're all just trying to do our best.
Thanks, everyone.
Yes, I think it is because it's a big holiday here that I sort of "lost it" this evening. I do very much feel grateful for my ability to do things like rake leaves, I mean, I'm reasonably healthy, not in pain, and it's a lovely Fall day here.
To Losteverything, I have a bird and I'm thankful for his company! It's nice to have another heartbeat in my home, and he sings/talks away, and I have the chance to talk/vocalize with him.
I do yoga, and have been doing breathing practice on and off all day, as I had tremendous anxiety earlier. It helps, and all of you do too!
Wastinglife, I feel for you being alone over Thanksgiving, it's not much fun, is it?
I'm on a waiting list to volunteer with the Canadian Institute for the Blind. The issue in my town is that there are many seniors/retirees who want to volunteer, and few spots for us all.
I'm taking acting classes for seniors in the city, I'm really enjoying the experience. The problem is that to get further into it, I really need to be closer, so that worries me, mouldering away in this town.
All of our couple friends eventually stopped calling/visiting/inviting me over, my hb predicted this would happen. It sucks, but I get it, it's an imbalance of sorts, the dynamics don't work anymore.
Riky, what a nice thing to say! Thanks!
I love the outdoors, hiking, biking, swimming in the lakes in the summer.
I recently joined a hiking group, and went on a hike a couple of weeks ago, so I think I'm trying to "get out there".
I am determined to try and push through the unpleasant feelings.
Tomorrow is the beginning of my next course in the acting class, and I'm looking forward to that.
It feels good to know that others too feel/understand the pain of loneliness/isolation, and we're all just trying to do our best.
Thanks, everyone.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 3,986
To Mustdoit,
Hi, and thanks for responding. I retired early because my work was totally burning me out, and I couldn't cope with it after my husband's death, he'd been a huge support.
I do want to take an 8 month course at the Uni in the city, and have been thinking about stategizing how to do it/afford it, such as renting out my house/rooming with ppl in the city for the duration of the course. I know if I put my mind to it, it could be possible. It begins next September.
Caihong, thanks, I did try AA but for various reasons, it wasn't a good fit for me.
I think some ppl are quite content with being alone, but I don't thrive in my current alone state, it gets to be crippling at times like these.
Hi, and thanks for responding. I retired early because my work was totally burning me out, and I couldn't cope with it after my husband's death, he'd been a huge support.
I do want to take an 8 month course at the Uni in the city, and have been thinking about stategizing how to do it/afford it, such as renting out my house/rooming with ppl in the city for the duration of the course. I know if I put my mind to it, it could be possible. It begins next September.
Caihong, thanks, I did try AA but for various reasons, it wasn't a good fit for me.
I think some ppl are quite content with being alone, but I don't thrive in my current alone state, it gets to be crippling at times like these.
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
Originally Posted by Leshar 
I do want to take an 8 month course at the Uni in the city, and have been thinking about stategizing how to do it/afford it, such as renting out my house/rooming with ppl in the city for the duration of the course. I know if I put my mind to it, it could be possible. It begins next September.
They offer downloadable course materials and free videotaped lectures that cover the entire course by the professors who actually teach them. You can do it on your own time, and take as many as you like. You don't get credit so you don't take exams unless you choose to do so.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,460
It really does seem that the holidays can be difficult for many people.
It sounds like you have a very good attitude and plans for things to do, but even that can't fill the bill all the time.
Oh, and I agree with EndGame - there are lots of universities that offer free online courses.
It sounds like you have a very good attitude and plans for things to do, but even that can't fill the bill all the time.
Oh, and I agree with EndGame - there are lots of universities that offer free online courses.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,308
good Morning Leshar,
The study thing at the Uni seems like a great idea. By the sound of it I think you will be able to work out the logistics of doing it.
As for AA I don't get to many meetings because of where I live and to be honest I don't think I am overly social but I follow the 12 step program. This has given meaning to my life. What I do enjoy about the fellowship of AA is that the baseline in our relationships is our recovery.
To me socializing without drinking was like work that I didn't particularly enjoy, I prefer to have an activity to socialize around if you know what I mean.
I am nearly 60 and am sort of semi retired, still working and helping out in the family business, boy could this place use a pack of energetic retirees.
I cycle everywhere, really getting into my garden.
Caihong
The study thing at the Uni seems like a great idea. By the sound of it I think you will be able to work out the logistics of doing it.
As for AA I don't get to many meetings because of where I live and to be honest I don't think I am overly social but I follow the 12 step program. This has given meaning to my life. What I do enjoy about the fellowship of AA is that the baseline in our relationships is our recovery.
To me socializing without drinking was like work that I didn't particularly enjoy, I prefer to have an activity to socialize around if you know what I mean.
I am nearly 60 and am sort of semi retired, still working and helping out in the family business, boy could this place use a pack of energetic retirees.
I cycle everywhere, really getting into my garden.
Caihong
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 3,986
One of the reasons I want to take the course I'm interested in is to be in a class with other people, interact with people, it's a credit course and could possibly lead to some work in a new field. Sometimes, I just feel starved of human interaction. I hang out at the library here just to be around other people/humanity. I'm friendly and will make chit-chat with strangers, just to feel like I'm interacting with ppl.
I really am not thriving with my current social isolation and I know I have to do more about this, I think I'm making a good effort, and it's frustrating at times when the status quo doesn't change.
I came home this evening from my acting class which I really enjoyed, and as soon as I walk in the door of my home, I feel flat, and I really want to drink. I won't, but there it is...
Caihong, thanks, I don't actually have trouble not drinking around those who are, on the recent occasions I've been with a girl-friend who is having a class of wine/a beer. It's because I'm happy to be in their company, I don't need to drink, I don't crave it then. It's when I'm come home that is the vulnerable time for me.
I know I have to work on this empty feeling/find meaning and purpose that will sustain me now, and in the future. Set realistic goals/make plans.
I'm happy that I'm on this sobriety journey, but it sucks too sometimes!!
I really am not thriving with my current social isolation and I know I have to do more about this, I think I'm making a good effort, and it's frustrating at times when the status quo doesn't change.
I came home this evening from my acting class which I really enjoyed, and as soon as I walk in the door of my home, I feel flat, and I really want to drink. I won't, but there it is...
Caihong, thanks, I don't actually have trouble not drinking around those who are, on the recent occasions I've been with a girl-friend who is having a class of wine/a beer. It's because I'm happy to be in their company, I don't need to drink, I don't crave it then. It's when I'm come home that is the vulnerable time for me.
I know I have to work on this empty feeling/find meaning and purpose that will sustain me now, and in the future. Set realistic goals/make plans.
I'm happy that I'm on this sobriety journey, but it sucks too sometimes!!
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,460
Originally Posted by Leshar
I know I have to work on this empty feeling/find meaning and purpose that will sustain me now, and in the future. Set realistic goals/make plans.!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 2,443
Hi Leshar,
It breaks my heart that you are so lonely. I am sorry I can't be of any help, as I enjoy my solitude. I do have to get out of my cave on occasion though, so I take art classes sometimes, take my dog to the dog park.
It breaks my heart that you are so lonely. I am sorry I can't be of any help, as I enjoy my solitude. I do have to get out of my cave on occasion though, so I take art classes sometimes, take my dog to the dog park.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 13
Leshar--it sounds like you are putting out a great effort to NOT be alone, which I am sure is incredibly frustrating. In my experience, sometimes university classes were the only thing that kept me going, and I felt that I was paying more for the human interaction than I was paying for my own education--although I was also drinking at the time and just perpetuating my own isolation.
But it sounds like you are doing everything in your power to change the loneliness and I can only hope that with perseverance comes success
But it sounds like you are doing everything in your power to change the loneliness and I can only hope that with perseverance comes success
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