BlueChair

I'm wondering, maybe someone had something similar?

Weeks ago my husband told me not to let his dad come over and remove his wine collection. His dad called me last week about it, my husband knows him so well. I told FIL what my husband said. My FIL said it shouldn't be there when he gets home from rehab, he has to stop drinking. I said he doesn't drink it often anyway, but he enjoys collecting it, and his dad knows this. I told my FIL, he said for me to tell him if he took it, he would buy 20x as much to replace it. That made my FIL mad. I told him I agree H shouldn't drink but the wine is his, and we can't get rid of it. It's his choice what he does with it. I mean besides his having worked to collect it, the bottles have value, it seems wrong to take it from him. Even worse to put a lock on the door like my FIL next suggested.

Part of me wants to say yes come get it and it won't be me he is angry with. I dont want anything here to trigger him, or provide easy access. But a bigger part of me says no it's wrong, and he already told me his wishes. But is it wrong? I mean if I find drugs hidden I will throw them out before he comes home. I did find some suspicious looking stuff in his bathroom and threw it out.

Im going go ask one of the counselors about it, ask if we should talk about it together in a session. My only fear is if it's there and he was having a weak moment, he might turn to it. Before anyone says it, I know it's his choice if he drinks, but I also know addiction, triggers, and cravings cause people to think irrationally and make poor choices. Its in the brain function. He is early in this and won't have a lot of practice dealing with situations and applying what he has learned to deal with triggers and emotions. This is why I find the decision confusing.

Also I dont drink much, especially at home, its not an issue of my wanting to drink it or anything.

AnvilheadII

this sounds like an excellent question for the counselors or at a family session...i can totally see the "reasoning" behind not wanting any booze in the house....however, all one has to do is saunter up to the nearest store and there you go. but it does help to have temptation removed at least in the sanctuary of your own home. but then again, your AH is pretty adamant about it right now....and i think his request to leave it be should be respected? i'm guessing this really is more a collection than six or so bottles of gallo brothers getting dusty on a shelf.

well good tess, that was of absolutely NO help whatsoever!

MiSoberbio

His sobriety and his further recovery is entirely up to him, as you already know, and if he's truly gained a deep understanding of his addiction and his requirements to maintain sober and continue in his recovery during this period of treatment, then he will know what to do with the wine. That doesn't necessarily mean getting rid of it, although that's one obvious option; the main point is that they are his and they have a connection to his addiction, so that's part of his work, whether or not wine was a part of his substance addiction.

But the real gist of your post concerns the fear of relapse. This is something that requires quite a bit of work on your end, because relapse is something that you have absolutely no control over. I'm not saying that your husband will relapse, nor am I saying that he will not – that's his deal, his side of the street, his story. I am saying that you need to work on your fear of relapse, for your own health, because otherwise it might twist your guts up so much that you'll be feeling that there's a gun pointed at your heart day in and day out. I write this from my own experience.

Your father-in-law sounds like someone who loves his son very much, but unfortunately has no idea how little control he has over the actions of others. When your husband is ready to maintain his sobriety and continue walking a path of recovery, he will do so – let's pray that he's ready now. He made a very direct statement regarding his wine collection, and yet his wishes might be ignored; that is not respectful, even though it would be done in order to "help" him.

One thing that took me quite a while to really comprehend is that NOTHING can stop an addict from consuming substances if he or she wants to do so. And our desire/need to control comes from the fear of this reality.

BlueChair

Thanks for your replies, even the one from you Tess ? I understand what your saying, and I do need to approach the subject of alcohol. We havent talked about it much in the family session. The counselor knows Im not much of a drinker and I dont think he worries about me being a bad influence, maybe that is why he hasnt talked about it. We have talked about it me and him, and he has told me he isnt ready to make a commitment not to ever drink again. This was not within the last few weeks, the discussion. I dont know where it leaves it, and maybe Im afraid to open it up?

((MiSoberbio)) Your right fear of relapse is something Im working on now. I dont want to project negativity on him, start thinking like my worried dad, or drive myself bonkers. Sometimes I dont feel worried, sometimes I am. They told me it was normal for what Ive been through, dealing with this relapse of his. Im glad you agree with me about the wine is his, I know it is right choice, but it is confusing because I was also told we need to have a sober home. it contradicts itself sort of. But where we live its common to collect wine, and he had it going before we met, family ties and stuff.

pinkdog

Hi Bluechair, I don't think there should be wine in the house when he comes home from re-hab. No wine.

BlueChair

thank you, it seems like a grey area thats why I was hoping people who had some experience to share would post. It seems logical no wine, rehab saying make the house healthy and sober. But then he stated clearly it should stay.

MiSoberbio

It is a very grey area, because you are in the space between his recovery and your own. It's where his issues and your issues overlap, and it's near impossible to say that leaving the wine or removing the wine is the best decision (in my opinion). On the one hand, I totally agree with Pinkdog – I believe that no one coming from a relatively short-term rehab should have substances at such close proximity. But if I think about how I tried to keep my ex-partner from consuming, how I warned his family when we were visiting so that they could hide the alcohol, and how angry I got at them when they didn't do so; or how, when I would walk down the street with him and I smelled the odor of marijuana in the air, my heart would race and I'd watch his every move like a hawk; or how I had to throw out perfectly useful glue for fear that I'd see him huffing in the bathroom again ---- I want to throw up when I think about how I became so controlling, so fearful, and so damn CRAZY.

Then there's the issue that he specifically requested that his wine collection be left untouched. I have to be honest here: in my experience, that's a description of an addict who is nowhere near ready to live in recovery, particularly since he's even said that he's not sure if he's going to stop drinking alcohol. [I'm sure there are those who will argue that they used to have severe substance addiction problems but now enjoy an occasional glass of wine, or a beer, or a little pot, etc. That's fine, but with my ex-partner that was simply impossible, and so I'm speaking from my personal experience.] So then, what does this wine collection represent to him? I see it as an extension of his addiction, and so it's up to him to deal with it, otherwise you will be locked into the codependent dance of making the world right for him, and that, my friend, is another impossibility.

If he wants to consume substances, he will do so. You'll see that as fact if you read through the thousands of threads here. If he doesn't view the wine collection as a threat to his sobriety, then that's the path he wants to walk down. So, where does that leave YOU? How do you want to live YOUR life? I wish I could tell you something that would make all these questions and this confusion go away in your life, but that's not the reality that any of us live in. And accepting reality is the key to recovery, for both him and for you.

(again, in my opinion)