Truly a family disease
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 27
Truly a family disease
Sorry to vent...
My AH has been a heavy drinker for 26 years. He drinks rum - a lot of it - every night. We've been married for a little over a decade, and have two young kids.
When the kids were babies, AH's problem was something they didn't notice. Now that they're getting older, they're starting to ask questions.
He has been hospitalized once for withdrawal symptoms - spent several nights there. The kids asked him what was wrong and he told them he was having some heart problems, but that he'd be ok. He came home days later, was sober for around a month, and has spent the past year drinking just as heavily as he did before the hospitalization.
He feels awful by dinner time, if not sooner, and only feels better by drinking. If I ask him how he's feeling, I am met with hostility and a disapproving look because I'm not sympathetic enough. He's not verbally/physically abusive at all, so at least there's that.
I'm torn with what to say when my kids ask why Daddy sleeps so much on days he doesn't work. I don't know what to say when they ask me why Daddy feels so bad during dinner. When we're dining out, he leaves the restaurant to take a swig off the stash he keeps in the car, and I'm the one who has to address the kids' questions.
I'm tired of all the secrets and lies. His problem is affecting our whole family and it pisses me off. When I talk with him about it, he says he knows he has a problem, knows that it's literally killing him, then makes himself feel better by covering up the truth with his rum.
I feel like a single parent with a roommate that I shop/clean/cook for. I don't see him ever recovering because he won't admit to anyone but me that he has a problem. He has even stopped seeing his doc because he doesn't want to admit to her that he's drinking again (as if she didn't know).
Gah. This just sucks. I appreciate reading other people's stories here, but hate that I'm not the only one who understands what this feels like.
My AH has been a heavy drinker for 26 years. He drinks rum - a lot of it - every night. We've been married for a little over a decade, and have two young kids.
When the kids were babies, AH's problem was something they didn't notice. Now that they're getting older, they're starting to ask questions.
He has been hospitalized once for withdrawal symptoms - spent several nights there. The kids asked him what was wrong and he told them he was having some heart problems, but that he'd be ok. He came home days later, was sober for around a month, and has spent the past year drinking just as heavily as he did before the hospitalization.
He feels awful by dinner time, if not sooner, and only feels better by drinking. If I ask him how he's feeling, I am met with hostility and a disapproving look because I'm not sympathetic enough. He's not verbally/physically abusive at all, so at least there's that.
I'm torn with what to say when my kids ask why Daddy sleeps so much on days he doesn't work. I don't know what to say when they ask me why Daddy feels so bad during dinner. When we're dining out, he leaves the restaurant to take a swig off the stash he keeps in the car, and I'm the one who has to address the kids' questions.
I'm tired of all the secrets and lies. His problem is affecting our whole family and it pisses me off. When I talk with him about it, he says he knows he has a problem, knows that it's literally killing him, then makes himself feel better by covering up the truth with his rum.
I feel like a single parent with a roommate that I shop/clean/cook for. I don't see him ever recovering because he won't admit to anyone but me that he has a problem. He has even stopped seeing his doc because he doesn't want to admit to her that he's drinking again (as if she didn't know).
Gah. This just sucks. I appreciate reading other people's stories here, but hate that I'm not the only one who understands what this feels like.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
Hi Syd, sorry for what you're going through. How old are your kids? This is definitely a family disease, it affects every single one of us who love the A. The problem is too often we do keep the secret, tell the lies, etc. Kids know when something is wrong. If they're old enough, get them to Alateen so they can start to learn about what's happening in a supportive safe environment. It doesn't help them to keep the truth from them. One day they may look back and be angry with both of you for not being honest. You can talk to them in age appropriate ways about the illness their Dad deals with.
Find an AlAnon meeting that has an Alateen meeting at the same time if you can. My group has both, so people can bring their kids to a meeting while they attend ours.
Find an AlAnon meeting that has an Alateen meeting at the same time if you can. My group has both, so people can bring their kids to a meeting while they attend ours.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 27
Originally Posted by Recovering2 
Hi Syd, sorry for what you're going through. How old are your kids? This is definitely a family disease, it affects every single one of us who love the A.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 1,478
Sorry your children are so young having to try and figure all this out. By the time things were serious around our home my children were old enough to tell straight up. I don't hide it from them. Matter of fact, they know to be alert and not be in the car with their dad if they even have a hint he may have been drinking and to call me immediately. My children are pretty astute, too. What a terrible memory to have of your childhood, huh? But, it's never to young to learn that people are imperfect flesh beings who can't always control their flesh and cant always rely on the Prince of Peace, but the lie of temporary peace from a bottle. I'm still learning and dealing too; actually trying to learn and deal mainly with step 1 for myself and pray and plan from there.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
((Syd))
I am so glad you are seeking support and help for you ~ living with the active disease of alcoholism is usually too much for most of us (from the Al-Anon suggested welcome)
For me, it affected me physically, emotionally, and spiritually ~
and regardles of how much I thought I was protecting them, it greatly affected my daughters.
There is more than likely nothing you can do to help your husband, but there is plenty to do for you & your children ~ I believe Al-Anon, SR, reading recovery literature are great places to start . . .
All these things will probably not change anything about your AH's drinking, but what it can do is give you the experience strength & hope of what others have been through to help you have choices, options and the ability to do things differently to make your home a healthier place.
Please ~ don't give up before the miracles happen in you ~ you deserve them!!!
pink hugs!
I am so glad you are seeking support and help for you ~ living with the active disease of alcoholism is usually too much for most of us (from the Al-Anon suggested welcome)
For me, it affected me physically, emotionally, and spiritually ~
and regardles of how much I thought I was protecting them, it greatly affected my daughters.
There is more than likely nothing you can do to help your husband, but there is plenty to do for you & your children ~ I believe Al-Anon, SR, reading recovery literature are great places to start . . .
All these things will probably not change anything about your AH's drinking, but what it can do is give you the experience strength & hope of what others have been through to help you have choices, options and the ability to do things differently to make your home a healthier place.
Please ~ don't give up before the miracles happen in you ~ you deserve them!!!
pink hugs!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 27
Update:
So, here we are almost two years after I posted this. AH is still drinking heavily, and our family's routine pretty much revolves around his. Yes, I realize that I'm enabling him.
I've read about symptoms of alcohol withdrawal, but I'm hoping folks here can help clarify some things for me...
Throughout the day, he jerks. As in full body jerks. This is particularly bad if he sees anything (on TV, in real life, doesn't matter) involving heights. If we watch a movie where someone is on a balcony, for instance, he'll jerk violently, then white-knuckle-grab onto his chair until the scene is over.
He gets sharp but short-lived headaches in the evening. Almost like someone is piercing his skull with an ice pick or something. They come without warning and disappear just as quickly.
Before his first drink each day, his balance is off. He has to hold on to objects to steady himself.
Are these typical withdrawal symptoms? He has a history of high blood pressure, so sometimes I wonder if I'm attributing his symptoms to alcoholism when instead it's something heart/blood pressure related. I know you guys aren't doctors, but I thought you might have some valuable insight here.
So, here we are almost two years after I posted this. AH is still drinking heavily, and our family's routine pretty much revolves around his. Yes, I realize that I'm enabling him.
I've read about symptoms of alcohol withdrawal, but I'm hoping folks here can help clarify some things for me...
Throughout the day, he jerks. As in full body jerks. This is particularly bad if he sees anything (on TV, in real life, doesn't matter) involving heights. If we watch a movie where someone is on a balcony, for instance, he'll jerk violently, then white-knuckle-grab onto his chair until the scene is over.
He gets sharp but short-lived headaches in the evening. Almost like someone is piercing his skull with an ice pick or something. They come without warning and disappear just as quickly.
Before his first drink each day, his balance is off. He has to hold on to objects to steady himself.
Are these typical withdrawal symptoms? He has a history of high blood pressure, so sometimes I wonder if I'm attributing his symptoms to alcoholism when instead it's something heart/blood pressure related. I know you guys aren't doctors, but I thought you might have some valuable insight here.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
My ex didn't feel normal until he took his first drink of the day. He also had withdrawal symptoms when he couldn't drink. Sounds like pretty typical stuff to me! Educate yourself about this disease-things always get worse unless they stop...someone wise posted yesterday that alcoholism ALWAYS catches up with a person. Always. And it is a family disease-as an ACOA that lived with it my childhood years and someone that saw first hand in my marriage how much destruction it caused to myself and our children, it affects everyone. Peace to you!!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 27
^^Thanks, ladyscribbler.
I agree that he should see a doctor. Since her advice will be for him to lay off the rum (and he knows it), I doubt he'll seek medical attention. Honestly, I'm just trying to arm myself with as much information as I can in the event of a medical emergency.
I agree that he should see a doctor. Since her advice will be for him to lay off the rum (and he knows it), I doubt he'll seek medical attention. Honestly, I'm just trying to arm myself with as much information as I can in the event of a medical emergency.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
I'm just trying to arm myself with as much information as I can in the event of a medical emergency.
I know this kind of frantic searching for information or answers can feel like "doing something" about a problem, but it's really just spinning your wheels. What would you really do in an actual medical emergency? Call 911, tell them he's an alcoholic. Then what? Diagnosing this stuff via Dr. Google doesn't really help anything, especially if the "patient" is and adult who won't go to a doctor on their own.
AH is still drinking heavily, and our family's routine pretty much revolves around his.
To me this is the thing that requires your urgent attention. If your husband won't go to the doctor and isn't ready to quit drinking, adjusting the household so that it revolves around his unhealthy behavior is doing incalculable harm to you and especially your young children. He is an adult, he can fend for himself if he chooses to. Your children don't get that choice. That's the real emergency here.
Have you tried Alanon meetings? Celebrate Recovery also has a family program, and they have support for younger children as well, since I see your kids are too young for Alateen. You can pull your family out of this crazy spiral. Please find a program or some counseling for yourself and your children.
I know this kind of frantic searching for information or answers can feel like "doing something" about a problem, but it's really just spinning your wheels. What would you really do in an actual medical emergency? Call 911, tell them he's an alcoholic. Then what? Diagnosing this stuff via Dr. Google doesn't really help anything, especially if the "patient" is and adult who won't go to a doctor on their own.
AH is still drinking heavily, and our family's routine pretty much revolves around his.
To me this is the thing that requires your urgent attention. If your husband won't go to the doctor and isn't ready to quit drinking, adjusting the household so that it revolves around his unhealthy behavior is doing incalculable harm to you and especially your young children. He is an adult, he can fend for himself if he chooses to. Your children don't get that choice. That's the real emergency here.
Have you tried Alanon meetings? Celebrate Recovery also has a family program, and they have support for younger children as well, since I see your kids are too young for Alateen. You can pull your family out of this crazy spiral. Please find a program or some counseling for yourself and your children.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,332
High blood pressure and alcoholism go hand in hand over time. He is on the fast track to a heart attack. The whole body jerks could be myoclonic jerks. It's what our body does often at bedtime when the brain gets confused and mistakes falling asleep with dying.
What concerns me more than your husband's slow suicide, and trust me that's what it is, is the fact you still have your children in the environment. You are setting them up for a lifetime of addiction, marrying into it,and a whole host of mental health problems for themselves .
What concerns me more than your husband's slow suicide, and trust me that's what it is, is the fact you still have your children in the environment. You are setting them up for a lifetime of addiction, marrying into it,and a whole host of mental health problems for themselves .
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Syd- we are all enablers, or else we would have walked out on our A's and not put up with the crap they dish out. I agree with Lady, you need to start focusing on your kids and off of him. Baby "Syds" are entitled to enjoy as normal as a life as possible.
My kids new that "Dad" had a disease from when they were young. I wanted them to know what was up, as you can't hide this stuff. They have the DNA to be just like there Dad, they need to know. Ask any adult child of an alcoholic, they new what was up. So please stop protecting him and let the consequences happen. Dad is drunk on the couch, let the kids ask questions. Let them know they can ask you anything, and dont lie!!! Let him sleep on the floor, no pillow or blanket.
I am sorry that you are going through this, but this is not your battle. Do your best to live your life as normal as you can. Stop letting him get all the attention, ignore him when acts up, like he is not even there. Don't engage when he is drunk and if he is obnoxious, leave the house. Go to a friends, family or park, just leave. The best thing you can do for yourself is to educate yourself about the disease of alcoholism.
Hugs my friend!!!
My kids new that "Dad" had a disease from when they were young. I wanted them to know what was up, as you can't hide this stuff. They have the DNA to be just like there Dad, they need to know. Ask any adult child of an alcoholic, they new what was up. So please stop protecting him and let the consequences happen. Dad is drunk on the couch, let the kids ask questions. Let them know they can ask you anything, and dont lie!!! Let him sleep on the floor, no pillow or blanket.
I am sorry that you are going through this, but this is not your battle. Do your best to live your life as normal as you can. Stop letting him get all the attention, ignore him when acts up, like he is not even there. Don't engage when he is drunk and if he is obnoxious, leave the house. Go to a friends, family or park, just leave. The best thing you can do for yourself is to educate yourself about the disease of alcoholism.
Hugs my friend!!!
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
Alanon and Alateen/Alakid have been life saving for myself and our youngest son who is 8 years old. I was looking for an Alanon meeting that had babysitting and found an Alateen meeting that accepts younger kids. We drive over an hour to get there, but I am so grateful for having such wonderful support for us.
I first needed to be willing to get help for myself. It took a long time for me to get to that point.
Big hugs. You're asking good questions and looking at hard issues. It's easier to stay in a familiar denial of how bad things are. I found the progression of alcoholism in the home affecting myself and our son in many ways until I couldn't ignore it anymore. We each find our own way towards healing when we go in search of it.
I first needed to be willing to get help for myself. It took a long time for me to get to that point.
Big hugs. You're asking good questions and looking at hard issues. It's easier to stay in a familiar denial of how bad things are. I found the progression of alcoholism in the home affecting myself and our son in many ways until I couldn't ignore it anymore. We each find our own way towards healing when we go in search of it.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
