YearForMe

This is an article about the circular dance. I found it helpful.


Sorry...the link would not work...so I removed it.

There are several articles I found by googling "The Dance of Addiction"

LoveMeNow

The link didn't open for me so I copied and pasted it. Thank you for this helpful information.


Fred and Lisa love each other deeply, but the trauma of addiction has fallen like snow on their relationship, steadily burying the good feelings under layers of hurt, anger, and resentment. Fred battles his addiction to alcohol and pain killers with minimal success and resents Lisa’s controlling ways, while Lisa feels constantly betrayed as Fred pursues his substances.
Fred and Lisa’s story plays out in millions of homes around the world as more and more people succumb to the lure of addictive substances and behaviors to escape the stress of day-to-day living. Fred has a lot of work to do and there are many resources available to him when he chooses to take advantage of them. But what about Lisa?
Lisa feels drained as she constantly searches for solutions to his addiction. She surfs the web at night looking for help for him; she monitors his activities to protect him from himself; she searches for the bottles of vodka stashed around the house and pours them down the toilet. She feels desperately alone. Her loyalty to Fred causes her to make excuses for his behavior. Feelings of shame about her situation keep her silent and isolated from family and friends – she has learned the hard way that they do not understand. Lisa’s world has become very small and heavy as her focus telescopes in on the darkness of addiction.
People who love an addict have a common story. They fall in love with someone who shares their deep sensitivity and form what feels like a soul-level connection. They believe that they can help fix the problem and that the dream of a healthy life with their beloved will come true. They become very attached to that dream and apply all of their considerable intelligence and organizational skills toward making it real. They also underestimate the power of addiction to destroy dreams and overestimate their own power to cure the addict.
But as the addict cycles through the stages of addiction (The Trigger, The Obsessive Thoughts, The Compulsive Acting Out, The High, The Detox, The Remorse, The Promises, The Hope … and the pause before the cycle begins again), the person who loves an addict gets jerked around emotionally and is absolutely powerless to do anything about it. Feelings of powerlessness are the lowest possible human emotion and cause great stress to our immune system and ability to heal. These dangerous emotions also rob us of our creative energy and capacity to be present for ourselves and others who depend upon us. Our natural survival response is to do whatever it takes to not feel powerless.
Unconsciously, Lisa sought to restore her power through controlling behaviors, such as arranging recovery options or interrogating Fred about his activities. It felt as though her life depended upon her intervention into Fred’s affairs. Lisa also got angry as a defense against powerlessness. Anger is higher on the emotional scale and actually makes us feelbetter – that’s how low we go when we feel powerless.
As Lisa struggled to overcome her feelings of powerlessness, she unwittingly created her own downward-spiraling cycle of behavior. During the times of relative quiet when the chaos of addiction was dormant, she treasured a renewed feeling of connection with Fred. However, she was able to enjoy those “good” times less and less as the trauma of past experiences built up in her body. She grew to feel as if she was walking on thin ice, just waiting for the next crack to form and plunge her into the icy waters. She was on guard and easily triggered into obsessive, suspicious thoughts by small things such as Fred being late, a misspoken word, or his car being cleaner than usual.
Once these thoughts were triggered in Lisa, they invaded her consciousness, causing her to feel increasingly fearful and anxious. As these feelings became more intense, she was compelled to take action to prove her suspicions correct. She felt as if something else was controlling her as she engaged in a CIA-level hunt for evidence, complete with her own lies, stealing, and sneaking. For Lisa, this uncharacteristic behavior was driven by the fact that action always feels better than just waiting for the dreaded event to happen. The most alarming thing about this part of Lisa’s process is that it was entirely self-generated, having much less to do with Fred’s actual behavior than what Lisa believed about his behavior. Lisa could break through the thin ice all on her own …without any help from Fred.
Lisa’s searching usually resulted in finding something suspicious that she could use to validate her beliefs. Whether this “evidence” was real or not, it caused Lisa to feel betrayed and angry. She took these feeling out on Fred as she fed her overwhelming need to punish and vent. Regardless of whether he deserved her wrath or not, Fred usually became so uncomfortable that he turned to his addictive behaviors to soothe himself, giving Lisa the outcome she had predicted.
This awful cycle is quite understandable and human. The innate urge to feel better is the root cause of all addiction and also drives our unhealthy reactions to addiction. The addict and the person who loves the addict are trapped in an ugly dance; nobody ever wins and nobody is evil – both simply want to avoid despair and survive. Each shares a desperate need for healing and peace even as they are compelled to take actions that result in further heartache and pain.
The cycle will continue until one of the parties learns some new dance steps. In Lisa’s case, she entered into a coaching relationship that helped her become aware of why she was compelled to behave in destructive ways. She learned how to make different choices and create new mental pathways to avoid her triggers and redirect her obsessive thoughts. She had the support she needed to STOP before taking the compulsive actions that would lead to feelings of shame and pain. She found healthy ways to release her anger without triggering Fred. Through the adversity of addiction, she learned to observe her own thoughts and emotions with an eagle eye so she could keep her focus on things that made her heart sing.
Fred also benefited from Lisa’s lessons. As she stopped directing his life and claimed her own, he finally took responsibility for his recovery. Together they were able to choose a new tune and find more loving ways to dance.

jzeb2008

The story of my life. Thanks for the share.

EnglishGarden

Does anyone else feel uncomfortable with the implication that she causes his drinking by "triggering" him?

The 3 C's: You did not cause it.
You cannot control it.
You cannot cure it.

I am also uncomfortable with "nobody is evil." Some addicts are without conscience, drunk or sober. It is very risky to believe that an addict behaves in hurtful ways only because of the addiction. Unless one has known the addict all his/her life, one cannot know what the individual's level of integrity and morality will be in sobriety. He could just be a more clear-headed sociopath.

But the description of the obsessive thinking and behaviors of anyone intimately involved with an addict of any kind: that really rang true for me.

bluebelle

I agree. I thought it was a good description of the dance. However, it did suggest that if the wife got better then husband would automatically get better. The ending was king of a "happily ever after."

YearForMe

Just the thought of changing a step...changes the dance is the part I found helpful.
I agree with what was mentioned above...fairy tale ending etc.

I took what I wanted and left the rest.