Katchie

Can you be an alcoholic and still be a good person? I ask this because after reading posts from so many others, my husband doesn't quite fit in a lot of the shapes I read besides the fact he sneak drinks and has lied to me about it. Otherwise, he is a very caring person, loves and cares for his family.

suki44883

Sure! Alcoholics aren't evil. Alcoholism isn't a respecter of persons. The most kind and benevolent people in the world can be alcoholics. But understand that alcoholism is progressive. The longer it goes untreated, the worse it can be. It can cause the most kind-hearted and rational people to do whatever is necessary to protect their drinking. Alcohol affects the brain as much as the body organs. It changes people. If left untreated long enough, it can turn our loved ones into someone we no longer recognize.

Katchie

Thank you! He just isn't the devil though I know they don't call it a bottle of "spirits" for nothing.

aasharon90

Alcoholics are just sick people wanting
to get well. Alcoholism affects our bodies,
minds and souls. A program of recovery
allows us to learn about our addiction
and gives us affective tools and knowledge
to use each day to remain sober a day
at a time.

Aiko

Hello Katchie,

It is nothing to do one thing with another.

We all have a dark side & a good side A

But some do not know were to stop it...
ie. when to stop the selfishness...

The problem is that Alcohol etc. emphasizes the dark side.
so every bad bit comes out more as it is not stopped by the good side.

I have problems and I look after everybody around me...
But when I am well and awake I am even a better person.
When I am bad you just think about taking and not caring about the others.

I hope your husband gets better,
he has a good base.
Help him get back to the good side.

foolsgold66

I think you've been given good answers, but let me stress this. If he drinks and denies, he has a serious problem. He will never get any better than he is right now unless he gets some treatment and learns to abstain. It's extremely likely that his problem will grow worse and you will see increasing bad behavior towards you and your family.

spiderqueen

They don't all want to get well.

If they do, they surrender themselves to every possible treatment option/therapy/recovery strategy - whatever it takes, for the rest of their lives. And it begins by openly identifying themselves as addicts who are powerless over their compulsion to drink. Lying about alcohol use/abuse, and hiding it from their life partner, is the opposite of facing the problem.

This does not make him an evil person. Just a sick one, who's not ready to get well.

aasharon90

Maybe change wanting to get well to
needing to get well instead.

I admit I wanted to get well, needed
to get well, and didn't know how to
get well.

People in recovery helped me get
well teaching me how to with
steps and principles to incorperate
in my everyday life.

23 yrs. later and Im healthier, happier,
honest person living a recovery life.

Springs

Does your husband act different when he's drunk? Is it different in a way that you don't like (even if it is not horrible or evil)? I ask because my husband was withdrawn when drunk and if I left him alone it often didn't really affect me, except that I was alone in the presence of another person. Now that I no longer experience it, though, I realize how intensely hard and painful it was that he would regularly be gone, even if he was physically present.

Aeryn

Yes yes and yes. Or that's what I think and I say that as one of the ones that left their AH. He is not a *bad* person, he has a disease and the grip on him is so strong he is unwilling to surrender and get the help he needs.

One of the things my therapist said (if I'm remembering right) is that thinking in black and white is a codependency sign...I used to think in terms of "good" and "bad" but really everyone has some good and bad and is neither, just a shade of gray.

All that said, my choice to leave my AH had nothing to do with him being a bad or a good person nor did it really have anything to do with *him*. It was about me wanting better for myself and believing I was worth it.

Shadydeal

I don't believe that being an A makes you a bad person! They are people meaning some good traits and some bad! I do believe its very destructive and their behavior can be horrible! I don't know if I am just really still so sick but I believe my XABF has one of the best hearts but he is a non-functional A and his actions are totally self absorbed & destructive. I would like to believe "sober" with a program much of that horrible behavior would change but I won't find out!

Florence

I think the question stinks. The good/bad dichotomy IMO makes me feel like as codependent people we are likely to forgive or excuse unacceptable behavior from "good" or mostly "good" people. I know that's how I thought.

But what makes a person good or bad? What they think, what they say, what they do? If a good person sometimes gets loaded and says and does abusive things, how long until they're not "good" anymore?

What are you really asking here?

DylanS

"Particular personality traits may become intensified or may undergo bizarre transformations. The sensitive may become insensitive, the extrovert introverted, the gentle violent, the tactful belligerent and the compassionate uncaring. An early alcoholic is often irritable, moody, and depressed when he is not drinking. He angrily denies that he is drinking too much, blames his drinking on his nagging wife or his slave-driving boss, and stubbornly refuses to stop drinking. His promises to cut down are broken within days or weeks. His marriage slowly and painfully deteriorates, friendships dissolve, and interest in his work wanes." (from Under the Influence)

As time went on, my personality began to mirror my drunk personality more and more - even when I wasn't drinking. Alcohol (and drugs) had begun to distort and magnify emotions and negative mental states as well as plant new, bizarre false beliefs, resentments and assumptions. I was becoming that "bad" person.

Now sober, my mind and personality are beginning to heal. I care again - about the environment, animal welfare, the poor, the elderly - as I did before alcohol and drugs took over. I have a sense of humor again - that I had all but lost. I contribute to my relationship with more and more clarity, honesty and accountability. I am becoming that "good" person (with normal faults) again.

I see the disease of alcoholism very similar to that of schizophrenia:

Katchie

Thanks for the many comments. I think my question unintentionally came across wrong for some. I have 4 sons who all look up to their dad but obviously dads alcoholic behavior isn't "good" behavior I want them to model as adults. I do believe its a bad, very bad, nasty, depressing habit but I just wanted to know, and perhaps it's been answered, if it defines or eventually defines, the addict. I don't know if I'm able to put into words what I'm asking, but I thank you all for so many answers to think on.

Hammer

Interesting (to me, at least) was a book I read a few years back, along these lines . . . not really about A this or A that . . . but rather about Good and Evil in real world people.

Called "People of the Lie."

People of the Lie: The Hope for Healing Human Evil: M. Scott Peck: 9780684848594: Amazon.com: Books

The basic premise is that Evil ALWAYS travels with a Lie.

And the basic Lie that Evil carries is used to cover the part of Evil in the matters. Does not matter whether one is doing Evil by something so major as a Holocaust, Starting a War, or as personal as Child Abuse, Infidelity, or even yes (yes) Addiction(s). Since the folks doing so KNOW they are doing wrong, and are (often more than) willing to lie to cover them -- it is at its basis either Evil or pulling the A into Evil.

Now tying this back to matters of the A. Look at the "cure."


from Chapter 5, AA Big Book

http://aa.org/bigbookonline/en_bigbook_chapt5.pdf

===========

How it works

RARELY HAVE we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average. There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest.

============

Now bring that back to US.

(Alanon and SR and Getting Better and even Jesus 101 is ALWAYS (always, always) all about us getting us better, first, right?)

Q: How can one discern if there is Evil present?

A: There will be Lies present. A LOT of Lies.

Katchie

I 'think' you may have answered my Q.. Thank you