amandaw

I'm just too old for this. Everyday I tell myself no booze and everyday I break my promise. Some days it's only a little. Other days it's a whole lot. It's 10 am and to fix my hangover I just had 3 shots and a beer. I've left my kids with my husband and said I was taking a nap, and here I lay ashamed and hating myself.
I've gone to aa and I enjoy it, but I have a new job and am already gone from 7am-6pm during the week. How do I justify going when I'm already gone so much from my family? I just wish I had someone who would make it impossible to buy alcohol or who dumped it if I brought it home. I've tried asking my husband to do all that, but when he does I am just awful to him so he won't anymore. I hate myself.

pinkdog

Hi amanda, I'm sorry you are struggling. Go to the meetings since you find them helpful. Your husband will understand. You should not ask anyone else to monitor your drinking. It's about yourself. You will have pride in yourself for doing it. Very best to you. Alcohol is a depressant.

cardoon

My mom used to say," Don't wish your life away." She was right. I've had to do most stuff on my own on the road to recovery. Hope you feel better soon. Keep trying.

soberhawk

Do not give up Amanda, you will succeed in the end if you just promises not to give up.

Olive1

You can do this for yourself.
If you are drinking everyday, aren't you already "gone" from you family.....so to speak. I think an hour at a meeting would be more powerful than an hour of drinking.
I really think you can do this.

Notmyrealname

You just gotta throw caution to the wind, go all-in, and accept that the first few days are going to suck royal. Once you get 3-4 days sober in, you've broken that drunk-hangover-drink to medicate vicious cycle. For some that's the hard part, to break that. And for some the hard part is still to come.

Just tell yourself, "I am going to suck it up and be sick for a couple of days". Have a plan. Eat ice cream for every meal, whatever it takes.

Good luck

neferkamichael

Amandah, there is no substitute for "fighting the fight". For years I felt the way you do, and my prayers go out to you. 3 years sober now, all those aspects of changing have vanished. Just never give up, rootin for ya.

ReadyAtLast

If you're hungover at the weekends whether sleeping or not then you are already away from your family. I know when I was drinking I might have physically been there but I wasn't present and was in no way the best mum I could or should have been. If you wantto go to AA then go,Your husband will probably just be relieved you're doing something about your problem. Let him know he will get his wife back and the kids will get their mum back when you quit.

No one can stop you drinking.You have to want it for you.
If you do nothing it will only get worse. Make no mistake. Women lose their children because of drinking,husbands leave. They start afresh and we are left with nothing. Please get help before you lose everything.

I saw a great quote on SR the other day.Someone said:

"I didn't stop drinking because I'd lost everything,I stopped drinking because I had everything to lose"

dayover

What ReadyAtLast said is really important.

I remember when my mother went to AA at first I was very jealous. I never got to see her (she worked 7am-7pm weekdays, sometimes longer). I felt so detached and alone. And now suddenly she had all this time on the weekends or weeknights to spend with her friends? That's not fair at all.


I felt this way for the first 4 months of her sobriety. I knew she was going to AA and I didn't really understand it. Then around Christmas was the first time I really saw a difference in her character and I was no longer jealous. I had a mom, a healthy, kind, loving mom, who was happy - instead of this miserable, depressed drunk I had grown up with. And I love her immensely more for it.


What I mean is that you're right, maybe they won't understand at first. But if you are open and honest with them, they will understand. And they will love you even more for making this change to be a BETTER mom!

amandaw

I just woke up to all these lovely responses. Thanks everyone. I'm going to try to make it to a meeting tomorrow. I want to do 90 in 90. After that my goal is 3-4 tines over week. I still feel I need a babysitter to keep me doing what I need to. I'm just so unhappy.

jaynie04

Hey Amanda...I pretty newly sober. I grew up with an alcoholic mother. I was the oldest and my father just disappeared into the garage building boats and let me deal with it. I have a lot of childhood amnesia. I remember finding my mother with black eyes all the time because she fell a lot. I was maybe 9 or 10 and I just realized that my mother folded into herself every afternoon. She sat in a chair in the kitchen with dead eyes smoking cigarette after cigarette.

I carried a lot of that into adulthood. I am hypervigilant, I have a hard time just playing because I never learned how. I take care of things, I solve problems, I fix other people. I started to see myself becoming my mother. I did the bare minimum so that I could drink. And then I would sleep off the hangovers. My daughter is 8. I just couldn't do it to her, I know what is like to be little and scared and lonely. It's hard being sober, but when it gets really tough I think about the fact that when she goes to sleep at night she feels safe and loved.

Last night my husband went to an event and she sat with me watching America's funniest videos. She was giggling like crazy, I looked at the few freckles across her little nose, and she snuggled up to me and said "Mama, I love you". No drink ever made me feel that happy.

You sound like such a good mom. You can do this, for them, but mostly for you. It's not about what you are giving up, it's about what you are getting.

smac2166

Hi Amanda. I feel the same way except no husband so I asked my kids to dump the alcohol. But then I just hid it. My current "babysitter" is Anabuse. In therapy but heading to psychologist for depression. See your doctor

amandaw

Jaynie, you made me cry. Thank you. The doctor wouldn't give me antabuse the last time I went despite my begging for it. I stopped going to her. I don't know where to go next.

smac2166

New doctor? I dont care if people think its a crutch or whatever, Im not drinking and right now thats all that matters. Good luck

wiscsober

Sounds like your bottom is rising up to meet you...

Put down the bottle friend...

maybe check in to rehab. or outpatient

You need to make a commitment to sobriety...it is no one's responsibility but yours

Pulling for you...and may good health be swift

courage2

Hi amanda --

Two things pop out to me:

One, your sobriety has to come first. [Q How do you justify being drunk around your family when you know there's support out there in AA? Sorry if that sounds harsh, but if you're drunk at home, you're gone from your family (or worse).

Two, yes, we're all big babies. But your husband or antabuse can't babysit you into sobriety. AA maybe can, another recovery program maybe can, but it starts w/you taking the first step to not have a drink no matter what, one day at a time.

Don't give up -- you'll be amazed how much stronger and more hopeful you feel about these things once your brain is free of the effects of the booze!

CaiHong

Hi AmandaW,

Do you have a BB, I suggest you read it and identify with the problem. Make sobriety your main focus. if you can't make a meeting come on SR.

I am sober 2.5 years with the support of.
SR and the wisdom of the 12 step program.

You don't have to feel like this again. The problem is the drinking get that in order and a whole new life will open up to you.

Love and best wishes
Caihong

doggonecarl

I got sober when I accepted that it was my responsibility. I had to get and keep me sober.

You can too. You have to.

amandaw

I know I need to do it by myself. I know I'm being a baby. I just feel weak. I feel like I can't do it in my own. Neither for myself nor my family. There's just always a reason to drink. It's stupid, I know. I'm not trying to make excuses for myself. I see the fault in my logic. I know I'm wrong. And right now I never want another drink again. The problem is keeping that feeling after a long day at work or at a social function. How do I keep that momentum? I haven't made it past 5 days since I was pregnant over a year ago. I can make it 2 days usually and that's it.

courage2

I guess you just have to get to where you hate it more than you want it. I did. It was still hard, and I tried and tried to get more than 3 days together & couldn't do it. Then I started going to AA every day, and still some days I'd spend hours and hours posting to SR. I couldn't do much ELSE at first. Talking about/posting about the compulsion helped me not give in to it.

The good news is that it's totally worth it, Amanda! The first thing is that the depression will lift. Then, eventually, the mental fog.

And, once you're sober, you never have to get sober again. Staying straight is a lot easier than getting there.

(((HUGS)))