thelostone

Ugh, wont get into the whole story, but I've been with this woman for over 2 years, we are/were engaged. It's been a struggle getting her clean and sober, eventually I just sort of detached even more when she got caught in a serious situation. Also has been pretty difficult because on top of being an alcoholic and crystal user at the age of 26, she's also diagnosed bi-polar and borderline personality disorder.

Well she was ordered to three months rehab, which I paid for. She passed that came back home, refused to let go of her using friends and relapsed two months later. She ended up getting a couple probation violations was ordered to go to 6 months salvation army rehab. Jail let her out early, she picked up another probation violation two weeks later, she planned on running and I told her turn herself in or get out of the house. Finally she turnd herself in until rehab would pick her up, this was her last chance, next screw up is 3 years prison.

Well after 2 months at salvation army she was caught "fraternizing" and she left before they could talk to her about it. I got a phone call from her saying she is going on the run because she isn't going to prison, wants to meet up one last time. Said she loves me but to move on I deserve better and live my life and she will go on with hers.

I just hungup the phone on her because I'm pretty disappointed. I was already expecting this actually since she is flirtatious, and salvation army seems to give more leniency than the past rehab. I've ignored her phone calls now, too hurt considering she seems so callous and unemotional about just leaving the life we were trying to build behind. Guess I'll be healing now. I refuse to enable her and help her out of her situation, and that's a hard thing to do when you love someone who is sick. I just hope she gets caught sooner than later before she goes back hardcore into her vices again. Prison probably is what she needs.

Sorry just venting.

suki44883

Vent away! It helps.

Sorry for what you are going through. I know it sucks.

Read around the forums and post as much as you want. You have people here who understand.

Welcome to SR!

Hammer

YOU. ARE. SO. LUCKY.


Let go or be dragged.

If you need to see where this path would lead . . . .

[L3] Leaving: Detaching from the Wounds of a failed BPD Relationship

thelostone

I just find it sadening because the past month she's been writing me about how great she has been doing and how it's been helping her a lot how much she loves and misses me etc. And the week she gets off restriction she screws it all up. And now her attitude just seems like oh well, like the past 2 years means nothing. Different tune from the letters she was writing me. So don't even know what to make of her feelings. Either way, it doesnt matter right?

Hammer

You want to know which was true?

Answer: Either, Neither, Both.

Question: Which way is the wind blowing?

Seren

Wow! I'm sorry for all that you have gone through with this woman that you love. Please don't hesitate to come here and vent all you need.

The list of disorders you mentioned on top of addiction is not unheard of, and very, very difficult to live with for the loved ones (let alone the person who suffers from these disorders).

Although it seems an impossible thing to say right now....she probably has done you a very large favor. I wish her luck and will pray for her. I hope she eventually finds her way.

Please take good care of yourself! I'm glad you found us, though sorry for the reasons why.

thelostone

I'm guessing the right thing to do is just ignore her calls now. I love her but seems pretty much over now. I mean if she wanted to own up and turn herself in I would consider it, but sounds like she still doesn't want to take any responsibility.

Seren

The decision to speak to her or not really is up to you. I don't think I could do it if it were me.

Has anything you have said to her or done for her made any difference in the past? It seems to me that she is simply not done yet.

Hammer

Not even a case of "does not want," at this point.

More like "Physically Cannot."

You covered the whole thing in your first post . . . .

Do you understand what that means?

foolsgold66

Is that the whole story?

Pretty disappointed? I hope you are just lowballing on your feelings. Forget her. Move on with your life. She doesn't care about you, or can't, or is just using you.

thelostone

Oh I am fully aware of what it means, been over it a lot with my counsellor and have done extensive reading on it and practicing setting boundaries, validation etc. Still not having it myself it's still something I struggle with comprehending at times, I guess it's just my mind trying to rationalize things in a way that make sense to me. I try the best to accept it for what it is.

Foolsgold, yes I am understating my feelings. It is definitely more than just a "little"

I have been detaching for a year now, not with the intent of leaving, but with the intent of coping with the psych problems plus addiction and it has brought a lot more peace in my life. Still things like this do jerk my heart a little bit just because I think with a sober and ordered mind. At the end of the day this is her choice, not mine, and as much as it hurts, I have to live my life like she said. Maybe it will hit her someday, maybe it wont, but if that day comes it will probably wont be until she gets caught and sent to prison for 3 years, because with nothing to lose now I'm sure she will be getting numb with sex drugs and booze to cope with it all. Makes me sad just typing that...

NWGRITS

Unless she's being treated for the BPD and Bi-Polar, she's going to be a ticking time bomb with an unstable fuse. The addiction is just scratching the surface. Really, you're better off without trying to clean up six gallons of crazy in a five gallon bucket.

FeelingGreat

So sorry, thelostone, vent away as much as you want if it helps. You really seem to be grounded in reality, and although her actions must hurt a lot, it's probably for the best that it happened before you married. You sound way too good to be dragged down.

RhodeIsland

BPD can be manipulative... her letters could be genuine... could be not. Your love for her was no less genuine. She's not at a point where she wishes to be sober/clean.

Doesn't reflect upon you. It's all her and her choices.

forworse

So sorry to hear. Love is tough man and even tougher with an addict. I have to ask, is this what you want the rest of your life? Answer: only if you love pain and misery and the legal system. My boundary would be in recovery or out in the street. Yours is yours to choose but given the story, she isnt close to being done. Best to you man. I feel your pain as my wife is an alkie on her second rehab and has 2 baker acts this year as well.

dandylion

Dear thelostone, sometimes, in this life, we don't get to keep everyone that we love. You will go through a grief period, of course--I think you are now, actually. Eventually, it will pass. There comes a point where we just have to "let go and let God".

You have all my empathy,

dandylion

LightInside

Hi, Lost one.
My story isn't the same as yours, but I want to let you know you're not alone. I am grieving the loss of someone I thought would never leave me, never stop taking care of me. Turns out that I alone can take care of me. Is amazing how mean and inconsiderate people with mental illness/addiction can be. We are really better off healing our hearts and attracting healthy people who compliment our own positive self regard. Keep taking care of you and you'll eventually feel better. I'm glad you don't have any children with this woman.

thelostone

Well it all came to a close today. Lets just say I am a deep sleep and I didn't hear the door banging early this morning, and before you know it my door is broken down and there are sheriffs in the house. Since this is her permanent address I guess they have that right.

Anyways, I explained to them she isn't here and I refuse to let her here. I called her PO first thing at 8AM gave her the scoop and that she is at her mothers and that she has a limited window to get her. 1 hour later she is in custody.

Makes me pretty sad as I had a good conversation with her PO and apparently they met on Friday and she told her to stop giving people attitude. They were not going to kick her out... but my fiance figured they were so she jumped ship. This is now her 6th probation violation in a year and the PO is still going to recommend sending her back to rehab, which at this point I think is a bad idea. I love my fiance and as much as it hurts to say this, she just needs prison because I know her well enough to know that she will just run.

Oh well, I guess only time will tell.

BoxinRotz

So much drama because she doesn't want rehab.

I wish you well. Take care of you.