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You cant have a healthy relationship with an unhealthy person!!!



You cant have a healthy relationship with an unhealthy person!!!

Old 10-12-2013, 12:37 PM
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You cant have a healthy relationship with an unhealthy person!!!

That statement should be tattooed on the inside of my eyelids! (Gross & ouch!) I'm in a squirrel cage going round & round or banging my head against a brick wall is what it feels like day in and day out. How do I focus on myself & try to attain mental serenity when this is so prevalent? Behaviors drunk or as a dry drunk are just blended together ..... It's pure MADNESS!!!
I am the one who needs a padded room!!!

This morning AH complains about behaviors both his parents are doing, then comes to me and repeats the same behavior to me hours later. Coo coo doesn't fall far from the coo coo tree!!! Mind you this never ends ..... Always drama, always a problem, he's chronically Debbie Downer!! For the love of God!!! I'm on my knees begging for this to stop!! I've tried being calm and rational. To see this as his own warped way of seeing things or handling things. How does anyone not let this toxic atmosphere get to him/her. His sobriety (said loosely) has a shelf life of 2wks. I haven't made up my mind yet if I'm staying or going. To anyone who reads this ..... I painfully totally get that choosing to stay in this psycho circus!! ...... For now ......

Just wondering if anyone has experienced this while choosing to stay? or how you've stayed sane? How you detach yourself from his/her crazy??? And most importantly how you haven't jumped off the nearest building to make it stop???

Or have I reached cray cray already for even asking????

Sincerely,
Lost & Going coo coo myself!!
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Old 10-12-2013, 01:37 PM
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On my eyeballs the following saying is taped: "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." What Alanon taught me is love can't exist when trust and respect are gone. Alcoholism is a progressive disease and there is nothing you can say or do that will stop an alcoholic from drinking. But we do have power in changing ourselves, learning to bring healthier people into our lives ... God bless Alanon.
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Old 10-12-2013, 01:45 PM
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And most importantly how you haven't jumped off the nearest building to make it stop???

there is any easier less destructive way to make it stop. you can't talk reason to crazy. you can't get an alcohol saturated brain to connect the dots. your first step is to stop attempting to talk sense to HIM. talk sense to YOURSELF. do not engage. do not give him your ear when he is on a rant. spend as much time OUT Of his company as possible.

and then ask yourself...why is staying even an option for me? what am I getting out of staying in this madness?
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Old 10-12-2013, 02:29 PM
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Bless you! I so get your post about going coo coo. Before I walked out I really thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown. What did make me leave was his behaviour caused my Lupus to flare, this is the worse flare I have ever had since diagnosed 15 years ago. And that was it for me I just knew I had to save myself. I can't tell you what to do, but what I do know is that their behaviour can be really damaging to ones health. And the sad thing is that if you do become ill they won't be there to help you.
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Old 10-12-2013, 03:05 PM
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If I were u I'd avoid any drunken conversations and magically start needing to pee if he was sober and started to rave and excuse yourself to the bathroom.

At the same time people are entitled to express themselves. I know my sponsor told me her partner raves sometimes and she just doesn't respond except to say 'a ha' 'mmm' and 'is that right?' Said it actually stops him as he eventually wears himself out.

We can't stop another persons behaviour but we can change our own to minimise the effects on ourselves.
Learnt that in al anon. I use to think I should just put up with whatever someone else dished out but not these days it hurts a bit too much for my liking.

I am known to rave myself a bit these days too. I'd love to say I am aware this affect has on others but that is not true every day. Never thought I'd admit that about myself as I tend to be self righteous at times but alas it is true.
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Old 10-12-2013, 03:25 PM
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
your first step is to stop attempting to talk sense to HIM. talk sense to YOURSELF. do not engage. do not give him your ear when he is on a rant. spend as much time OUT Of his company as possible.
This is simple and sane advice, hopegone.

I can also deeply relate to your feeling that in fact, I am the one going crazy. I talked my A off so many cliffs, only to find myself teetering on the brink of them myself.

Although I love him still, separating from him has restored my peace of mind, and what was feeling like my increasingly fragile sanity.

We do speak occasionally, but because I don't live with him or see him anymore, when I hear the crazy-alcohol-saturated man on the phone, I simply say, "whoops, gotta go". And I HANG UP. And I do not fret. And I do not call him back. And I do not answer if he tries to call.

Honestly, I am sorry, but I can't really think of a reasonable way to stay sane while living with an active A!! I guess others might have some advice that fits your situation better.

Please do take care of yourself - and guard your health and sanity fiercely. You can be sure he won't do that for you. It's your job alone.
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Old 10-12-2013, 03:29 PM
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If you are committed to staying, the only way I can imagine you can do it and stay sane, into completely accept him for exactly who he is, how he is, at this moment, flaws and all. To stop expecting him to change into someone who doesn't behave the way he does.

If you can't do that, or won't, then no one is benefitting from being in this relationship.
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Old 10-12-2013, 03:35 PM
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All the begging in the world isn't going to help, or change anything.

You can't be the door mat if you are standing upright and tall.

Start by making you the priority of YOUR life.

Currently you are choosing to stay, may I suggest you take some time and educate yourself about addiction. Knowing the facts of this disease may help you to manage your day to day life,

Sending you tons of support.
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Old 10-12-2013, 07:49 PM
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"You can't have a healthy relationship with an unhealthy person!"

My experience with my XABF has taught me this the hard way...When he was "dry," he was often rude and manipulative, and I'd brush it off as me being 'too sensitive.' When he began getting wasted again and standing me up, I thought 'ok, this is totally rude, but I'll try to give him another chance.' Three chances later, I was still trying to figure out how *I* could adapt to make him happy. I wondered why he was acting that way, why he thought I was "too serious" and "too judgmental," etc. It wasn't until after he went AWOL that I realized the truth of his alcoholism...Now I know that nothing I could've done/said would've given us the happy ending I was hoping for. And that's ok....I don't blame myself anymore.
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Old 10-13-2013, 03:56 AM
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Detaching does take practice. If you find yourself on the receiving end of the blather, then perhaps be ready with a few standard responses like:

"Oh, that's interesting"
"I see"
"It's a shame you feel that way"

What takes the most control is not raising your voice to the level of his current rant...that really takes practice.

Sorry you find yourself in crazyland....active addiction will do that to anyone
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Old 10-13-2013, 09:23 AM
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You all have some painfully eye opening points!!!! Love all the feed back & thank you! Funny how I troll through this fantastic site, learn soooooo much, and find myself in a mini melt down of my brain hurting over the crazies, to throw it all out there hoping for relief! Relief comes in your responses bringing me back to reality. I'm certainly my worst enemy after all these years of learning what to do and what not to do. I'm just so exhausted. So sad. So alone & isolated. Absolutely have come to the point that I actually hate the person I have become. Have no clue who I am anymore, have no joy in my life, I'm robotic & numb to everything daily, sometimes wish I had a mind/mood altering substance I could get hooked on so I wouldn't feel this pain inside of my skin. I used to think I just lived in this quicksand and couldn't get out - now it feels like cement and I'm forever stuck! Suffocating on my own pain. Mind you if that wasn't enough I have had physical pain for 25 yrs, but I ignore that pretty good, otherwise it would consume me as well.

So not sure what I have accomplished in sharing all of that. I do want to say thank you for the responses. My husbands antics in our community has made it impossible to have friends. So I keep all of this bottled up. Thanks for listening. Feel like such a loser!

I am going to start reading my Alanon books, codependency books and try to find some way out of this cement!!

((((Hugs))))
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Old 10-13-2013, 10:39 AM
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Hopegone, your first post made me laugh a bit - I had used the phrase "Debby Downer" a lot, and even "Eeyore". It seemed a perpetual black cloud hung over my house back in those days, and it is crazy-making.

I know you want to stay, and like the others have said, that is your choice. But like Anvil says, you can't reason with an unreasonable and irrational person. Part of stopping your madness is to stop trying to do that. Sure, it makes perfect and logical sense to you, but he isn't in a frame of mind to see this your way.

For me, I had to separate physically to get some clarity and peace. We kept trying for a while, but in the end, I couldn't justify staying with someone that I wanted to "change". He is who he is. I am who I am. We wanted different things in the end. It just seemed fair to let him go, in turn letting myself off the hook.

Life is peaceful these days, and it does get better! Hang in there,
~T
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Old 10-13-2013, 12:52 PM
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Tuffgirl is right it does get better. It's only when I decided on NO CONTACT that I was able to start to think clearly again. Believe me the first two months were awful spent most of it under a duvet cover crying. Could not face the world. Now 4 months down the line, yes it still hurts, and yes I still cry now and again, but its not because I miss him its more to do with why the heck did I waste 6 years of my life with him. Stupid stupid me!!!
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Old 10-14-2013, 09:59 AM
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Oh how I can relate to this! But I'm actually doing a lot better now. (The story that ensues may make you think otherwise, but I actually FEEL much better)

My first thoughts of leaving my AH started about 5 years ago. So yes this has been a crazy-go-round for quite some time. I recently joined Al-Anon and have been going 3 times a week for about a month and a half.

I find that I intellectually accept him as he is. The drinking isn't really my big issue at this point. It’s the lack of trust, and constant questioning that drives me batty. I call it, living under a microscope. Which makes me think he’s actually a double winner, A and Co-D.

Anyway, I've told myself time and time again to not engage in his lengthy conversations about is cloud of doom, or the state of our relationship. But my magical thinking is always right there to scoop me up into the story line. Take this last weekend for instance. I went out! Ah.. I actually went out with my girlfriends. Upon returning home I found that he had consumed about a half a bottle of vodka and was ready to talk about our lack of relationship. Why oh why did I take the bait? This is twice since I started my thread about looking for the way out of these conversations. Saying, you might be right, or just responding with silence. But did I do that.. Why no.. that wouldn't be any fun would it? I did however close this one off quicker than I have in the past. But not before I got stark raving crazy! Ending the conversation with.. “I’ll tell you exactly why I can’t have these conversations anymore, because they turn me into an f*ing lunatic, I let myself get so worked up and insane that it doesn't make any sense. I sit right here with this glass in my hand and what I really want to do it hurl it across this room into the wall and watch it shatter into a million f*ing pieces, but I won’t. I’m going to stand, put this glass gently in the kitchen and go to bed.” And I walked away. Did that stop him from coming in the room 10 min later thinking that it was time to “cuddle”? Nope, sure didn't. But I did much better not responding at that point. And I bet I won’t be having one of those moments again for a while.

I see now that if me not engaging in this crazy making doesn't change our family dynamic, that this time, for the last time, it’s time for me to go. Whether or not I can, ignore this type of behavior or learn to deal with it isn't the point anymore. It’s why would I want to? And is this what I want for my children? And if I can give him the respect of letting him be how he is, without trying to change him, than I should do the same for myself. I shouldn't and won’t change myself to accept something I don’t want to accept. I have a choice too. I’m not saying he’s wrong. (but he is…lol) He doesn't have to change, and neither do I. If I don’t want to live under a microscope, I don’t have too. I hope he would consider giving me that respect, but I’m not real hopeful. And like Tuffgirl said,” It just seems fair to let him go, in turn letting myself off the hook.” I haven’t left yet, but I suspect this is what the end will look like for us.
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Old 10-14-2013, 10:27 AM
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Oh my, isitme; I have had many moments that could mirror the one that you described. Including having my AH cuddle with me afterward. Because, that makes everything alright. Doesn't it?
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Old 10-15-2013, 06:12 PM
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I feel your pain.

Detaching... I can only share what I've done.
This may sound harsh, but I took your title a step further.
I mentally separated "husband" from "man".

I honestly accepted that the MAN inside (whom I used to know and adore) is still there... but as a husband, he is an A and not ABLE To be a husband. So I stop expecting him to meet the requirements of a relationship. I fired him as a husband.

Eventually, that allowed some compassion. So he's no longer a husband, I don't expect relationship "acts" from him. Easier on me. As a man... he's a struggling human being.
I can't fix the man either. But at least I don't look at him with hate for not being a good husband. "he's not capable of being one".

Peace.
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Old 10-16-2013, 07:57 AM
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The fact that someone can mentally exhaust us like that is crazy. Iv'e had people in my life that were negative mood suckers but nowhere near the amount of frustration that comes with an alcoholic. The fact is you cant reason with insanity and crazy people don't know they are crazy lol....
(love that one )and when you think about it how do you expect to get any peace from someone who doesn't think they cause chaos? how do you get affection from someone who lacks the skill to give affection appropriately? how do you re train a child when that child is an adult? how do you live in a mental hospital day in and out and wonder how you got so sick?.....
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Old 10-16-2013, 10:05 AM
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Originally Posted by trixie56 View Post
"You can't have a healthy relationship with an unhealthy person!"

My experience with my XABF has taught me this the hard way...When he was "dry," he was often rude and manipulative, and I'd brush it off as me being 'too sensitive.'
In my history of abusive relationships-sheesh- I have realized they love to use that "you are too sensitive" or the last one I got "what, now I can't joke?"

NO, YOU ARE NOT BEING TOO SENSITIVE, ANY HUMAN BEING would feel exactly the same way. No decent person that I have met has ever felt the need to say that kind of phrases, all it is is gaslighting.

To quote LTD: "Unacceptable behavior is unacceptable".
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Old 10-16-2013, 10:20 AM
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Originally Posted by thislonelygirl View Post
how do you expect to get any peace from someone who doesn't think they cause chaos? how do you get affection from someone who lacks the skill to give affection appropriately? how do you re train a child when that child is an adult? how do you live in a mental hospital day in and out and wonder how you got so sick?.....
Oh I thought about the same thing today, how it seems that one is dealing with a child who just won't take any responsibility.

Expecting peace from chaos does not make any sense. I expect partners to be absent and I have been very smart choosing partners because MOST of them have been absent one way or the other.

If one wants to train something then he or she needs to get a dog.. .human beings are who they are... that is a Louise Hay phrase "others are free to be themselves.. and I am free to be me"

I am free to be me and being me involves being able to share what I feel and being respected/listened to... I do not need ANY bully in my life... no matter what the "excuse" is.
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Old 10-16-2013, 10:37 AM
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Not trying to get through to my exabf was the hardest thing in the world for me. I am not a stupid person but for some reason I could not get it through my head that he was unreachable due to his sickness.

I always thought that if I just explained to him ONE more time how he had hurt me, and how destructive his drinking was for him, that he would suddenly see the light and get sober.

I was so sick. I think I believed I had some magical power to heal him, like I was his HP. His HP was alcoholism.

Of course one can't have a healthy relationship with a sick person. It's so logical but so effing hard to accept on a deep level.

Sent from my iPhone using SoberRecovery
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