jaynie04

And I'm stayin' in.

I have avoided any social events since I got sober. Wimpy perhaps, but I have to do this at my own pace. We have an event in the city tonight that is a bit awkward for me to miss. A good friend is celebrating something important.

My husband is going solo. Maybe 150 people, cocktail party. I know most of the people going from different parts of my life. Everyone thinks I went to Mayo Clinic for my fibromyalgia/lupus....(rehab).

My husband just wants to tell people tonight. She went to rehab, she's not drinking, that's why she's not here. I don't know how I feel about this.

I am sure people suspect but because tonight's crowd cuts across every part of my life I feel like it is a all or none proposition. I think he is getting uncomfortable going stag, he understands but it does put pressure on him to keep posting solo.

I would really appreciate any thoughts. I kind of feel at 3 1/2 months that all my lurking around in corners is wearing thin......

DoubleDragons

(((((((((((Jaynie)))))))))))), I wish I could help you because you have been so incredibly helpful to me in the short time that I have been on this forum. I don't know what to tell you because at this early stage of non-drinking that I am in, I don't want to tell people much about my quitting either. Are you sure you are not strong enough to go to the event and to not drink and not really explain why you are not drinking? This is such a personal choice for you mostly, but I also see how it affects your husband. I have a big belief in my HP/God/Universe so this is one I would pray a lot about and surrender it to Him, until I knew in my heart what to do. But I don't know what your spiritual beliefs are, so I am just saying that is what I would do in your shoes.

alphaomega

Hello lovebuckets !

It's your battle. Yours. Yours alone.

You want to " come clean " then have at it. If you feel ready, go for it.

My thoughts, why is it socially acceptable to get treated for fibro/lupus but a character defect to get treated for the disease of Alcoholism ? Did we somehow bring it on ourselves and therefore it's shameful ? Just a thought.

PhaseTwo

As long as you are getting out there in public sometimes and not completely isolating yourself I think you're fine. This might not be the type of occasion to go to if everyone's gonna be drinking. Don't go unless your 100 percent confident in not drinking but try to start finding ways to get out of the house. That's just my opinion

DoubleDragons

Jaynie, I thought about your situation more and in my experience, when I felt I was going to be the subject of gossip, conjecture, etc., with a peer group, I always felt best when I hit the subject full head-on, out of my mouth, saying exactly what had happened from MY perspective. I almost think I would let your husband go to the event, have him stay vague as to why you are not there, and then just hit everyone who matters to you with an honest account of what your experience has been and where you are going forward. Right out of the horse's mouth (or email). When I addressed a "biggie" one time this way with a close group of friends, they were surprisingly supportive and non-chalant about the whole thing. Obviously, by holding it in, I had let it get bigger in my mind, than it really was _ things are as big as you make them.

EndGameNYC

Hi jaynie04.

I understand perfectly why you don't want to go. After my relapse, I didn't trust myself to be anywhere near alcohol for about a year...not that my mailbox was overflowing with invitations...My cravings were so powerful all by their lonesome, that physically being around alcohol was simply out of the question...once I made a commitment to get sober.

The decision is ultimately yours. Your comments demonstrate that you've made a commitment to sobriety, that you're a responsible person who knows how to take care of herself, and that you'll reach out for help when you need it.

What I don't get is how your husband blowing your anonymity will help him in his "getting uncomfortable going stag." If the roles were reversed, I imagine he'd want to be the one to determine who does and doesn't know about his efforts to recover and remain sober. Even though your husband is an important part of this process, this is your battle and it's for you to decide how you manage how and when other people know about your struggle. You took the responsibility to get sober, and it's your call as to how that's managed, unless you're causing harm to someone else with your choices.

Edit: I also imagine that your husband wouldn't be very comfortable were you to go with him and wind up dancing on the bar with your dress or skirt pulled up over your head during a blackout.

jaynie04

Thank you guys so much. Surprisingly the not drinking thing has not been awful....but it is this kind of stuff that hits me upside the head.

I wish I could say I have been working out every day and that I look amazing....but I love you guys too much to lie. I still visit my closet and my clothes, and then sigh and put on a big t-shirt and yoga pants. I normally don't keep junk food in the house but I stopped at the store with my daughter after school one day this week. I kept thinking, I'm in early recovery, I can have candy. Well, being the good alkie that I am I bought 5 bags. And yesterday I was literally rolling around the kitchen floor opening the 4th bag!!!

So I would love to have cruised in tonght looking like a phoenix rising from the ashes, but the gods of hidden bottles of vodka past are now laughing their little butts off. A few friends of ours don't drink anymore....but no one really talks about being in recovery.

AO...so right I have bought the myth about this having a stigma. Lord if anyone was predestined...half Irish/half French from Boston with an alkie mother and grandmother. I should have been wearing AA onesies in the crib. I feel like so many more people would seek help if it was more mainstream. I think maybe Norma Raeing it is the way to go. We should all be proud that we are working to fight back against this. New friends like you ease this journey so much.

DD...I guess pride is getting in my way. You are right, I have never been a wilting violet, owning this and sharing it derails the undercurrent. Hiding it and minimizing it keeps it dark and murky and horrid. My mother has been sober for over three decades in AA and I haven't even told her....

Phase2...so far the urges have been minimal. But I have been doing Sobriety Lite, avoiding events where I might feel resentful. I was on benzos too for almost 10 years. But it has helped so much to be on SR, the support here has been priceless.

I have a cat shelter on our property. I take in ferals socialize them and adopt them out. (I am deathly allergic, another BRILLIANT choice ). I have 6 right now. #6 just started purring for the first time after I started this thread. I only take in adults so it is a big deal to get them to trust. #6 (Paul, he came named) is a gorgeous grey cat that came in solo. Terrified, spent 4 months behind a board shivering. All of the rest now purr sit on my lap. Today he got on my lap, purring like a maniac and I had to lift him up to come back up to the house. It is beautiful here in CT, the leaves are changing, the air is gorgeous and the cats are purring. I have a sense that everything is exactly like it needs to be.

I am going to talk to my husband when he gets back from his run.....thank you so much!

kadidee

Hi there. Jaynie, there will be other events to attend among these different groups of people when you feel comfortable, and your absence at this particular one will fade into memory over time. I think you'll know when you are ready to 'come out' about not drinking, and doing it in smaller groups is more manageable.

Tonight, it could be that your fibromyalygia/lupus is acting up (which of course I hope is not the case), but would provide your husband with a reason for your absence.

Eddiebuckle

At some point, you do need to tell your close friends that you do not drink anymore. Personally, except for the very closest/most trustworthy friends, I only said I stopped because I felt like the tail was starting to wag the dog. Only my family and closest friends know I went to rehab.

Most people simply can't understand what you are going through. Certainly there is no need to announce your status to dozens of acquaintences. Especially not your husband, its not his to tell.

pinkdog

Hi jaynie, good for you avoiding temptations. I would not want anyone to announce i went to rehab like that. Why can't he say she had other plans? Best to you.

foolsgold66

I'm supportive of your decision not to go until you want to go and feel ready. I don't know what agreement you and hubby have re your 'cover story', but assuming you have an agreement, each of you should uphold your end of that agreement.

And lastly, sometimes waiting till one is 'completely' ready one never gets there at all...

ETA. My wife is fabulous at just saying, 'no', 'he's not coming', 'other plans', etc. She feels she owes no outside party explanations for anothers attendance or nonattendance.

Aiko

Janye,

Sooner or later you have to get used to see others drink...

I get very nervous if I go out...

but I got two plans...

1.
If I am nervous and know there will be drinks... I take Antabus disulfiramo... ask your doctor if you can take it or something similar.
And can not drink or you will get so sick.... vomits massive head ache...
So I can go out and know I will not do it.
And I can go out relax I will not loose it.

2.
Ready to answer when they pressure you to drink... or put one on your hand...
I always take the car, perfect excuse... I drive.
I got a horrible headache!
I am on antibiotics!
I got stomach problems...
I got to get up early tomorrow...
I get coca-cola and say it has Whisky,
or alcohol free beer and in the glass nobody knows...

You have to come out sooner or later... I understand you are scared....
I still am when I go out I have a really hard time.
but I know it I can not handle it so I must not do it.
And I am starting to get used to alcohol free beer.

Just give it a try...

Good luck

Aiko

Janye,

Are you ready to go out????

Forget about the others... first is your recovery....

Are you ready???
If you feel you are... try it!!
If you feel you are not ready yet.... Then do not go out.

It is always YOUR RECOVERY...
You know if you can do it or not...

I went out and a couple of times.... I lost it...
But I just can not stay at home forever.

I hope you have a good time what ever your decision is_

Aiko

Jaynie,

Was just thinking...
You are the one to tell who you want to tell...not your husband!

I only told my very very close ones...
I do not have to tell the world.

My family does not know... at work nobody knows... only a very few knows...

It is your decision to who and at the time you want to tell them.
and in privately...

that is my thought....

You will be ok, just time to adjust...
You are ok now...

jaynie04

It is so incredible to hear from people who have done this before, and to hear from my buddies who are in this for the first time too. Pretty incredible that I am letting my ego get entangled with all of this. I had no idea what life would be like on the sober side.... a lot of firsts. I am trying to think of the fact that there are any firsts left at age 48 as a bonus. I think that getting sober does add a level of complexity to all of our lives, it is life altering.

Asking for help here always blows me away, it is such a huge help. Thank all so very much for taking the time to help!

alphaomega

First of all - AA onesies ? Norma Rae ? You. Are. So. GD. Funny. I literally LOL'd. Seriously, SNL NEEDS YOU. You make me laugh so hard the tears roll down my leg.

B. I would have 106 cats if I could. Deathly allergic times a gabillion. But how cool is it, and how metaphorical; that Paul (love) spent 4 months hiding behind a board and chose TODAY, of all days, to break out his purr ?

Yes, I will now be calling you Paul.

You may call me Ringo.

w2r

I don't feel that in this day and age there is any stigma to "I choose not to ingest poison"
If your husband wants you to go to the alcohol party, and you decide to go, he could support you by limiting it strictly to perhaps an hour and not drinking either. If you are sober, I don't think there would any reason to be there any longer, as most people would be inebriated and not really worth talking to.
You might look around and hook up with another couple who is not drinking as well. It could give them an excuse to cut out early too.

I don't think rehab is anyones business except yours. A non alcohoicl is unlikely to understand the true concept of rehab.

Anna

Jaynie, I think it's great that you are choosing to take care of yourself and do what you need to do.

I would be horrified if my husband had spoken about my addiction in front of a large group of friends like that. In my relationship, it would never be his place to do something like that. Nor would I speak about something personal regarding him to a group of his friends. It doesn't work that way for me.

When I did start going out again, I still didn't tell anyone. I felt strong enough to go out, but I was not ready to be questioned or pushed in any way. I really didn't want to talk about my recovery because I found it had become a very personal journey. So, when I started going out again, I just drank Diet Coke. No one has ever made a comment to me.

stark6935

You should go to the party and tell people yourself you don't drink anymore. Don't be afraid of what other people think, and don't be afraid of being around alcohol, it is everywhere... If the event is boring go home, just make an appearance for your friend. Wish society wasn't so afraid of what other people thought of them all the time. You don't have to say you went to rehab and tell them all your business. Just say you don't want to drink tonight, or whatever. If they ask why, just say you don't feel like it or whatever.

Mizzuno

When it comes to the health of you and what you believe to be the best thing listen to your inner voice. If you are not ready to go out, don't go.
As for telling people about not drinking. Well, it is no ones business at all. You only need to be honest with you, and you do not owe an explanation to anyone. Ever. People may say that it is better to tell the truth and being honest yada yada. Its your life and you should live it the way you see fit. You can tell people what you choose to tell them. For me, I dont say much about it. It is no ones business.