Needingadvice1

Hi all,

It's been a while since I've been here so hello to you all. Im not sure why considering i was once here each day. Some may remember me, others may be interested in my older (crazy!) posts.

So much has happened I don't even know where to start. Well after leaving town & spending 2.5wks with my mum, I grew strong again, came home & decided that me & my 2 babies were going to be ok. I was moving forward & I felt good! Then, one afternoon after months away my meth addicted (needles) husband appeared at home. No warning no nothing. I didn't know what to do. Did I run & scream, call the police or talk with him. Of course I talked with him. He was so sorry blah blah blah, had missed us so much, was so ashamed, loved me & the girls, how could he fix this, etc. I was confused & angry. He slept on the couch for a few weeks & slowly he gained my trust. He really seemed to have changed. He was the same man from 12 months ago & pre-drugs & it was nice to have him back.

so 4 weeks past, and some pretty shady people went to my friends house looking for my husband. Who knows how they knew we were friends or how they knew who I was. Anyway, they found him & from then on life sux. Every cent goes on gambling or drugs. I'm still on maternity leave & completely dependent on him. He disappears for days/weeks travelling from town to town spending thousands & thousands of dollars whilst i have no money for bills. He comes home from his weekly binges when he's broke, threatening to kill himself if I don't give him one more chance. This time he'll get help, same old story. Often he is angry once I let him back & says horrible things, throwing objects around the house. It's pretty terrible. He never apologies. Then he sleeps & eats. Same old cycle. We have a few good days, then he finds a way to make money & the cycle begins again. In the last month he has been here 5 days. I'm actually pretty scared off him now & don't have much choice but to let him come & go as he pleases. I just need to get away from this place.

I'm still sending my nasty text messages when he is away when i get resentful raising 2 yound children by myself in a town with no family support. i send the messages to get some response, any response. 90% of the time I never hear back which makes me angrier. I need to stop this I know but I get so angry sometimes.

I'm not depressed anymore. In fact, I'm feeling ok. I will never let myself get in that dark place again. Ive started excersing & looking for work so I can get me & the girls out of this horrible town. He thinks once I get a job we will all move together for a fresh start. He is crazy. He looks terrible. His once beautiful skin is covered with pimples & scars, sunken in black eyes, even a missing tooth! Wat has happened to my beautiful man. So sad.

I've hung on so long. I've hoped & prayed so much that he will come back to me. Now I know he's gone. It's just sooooooo hard. I don't understand why he ŵont get help. I'm quite sure he thinks I will never leave him. What is wrong with me? I cant remember what it feels like to be happy or if I will ever feel it again.

Thks for listening xx

AnvilheadII

I don't understand why he ŵont get help.

think how hard it is for YOU to get help, to change, to get away. to not keep falling back in. while the affects of HIS disease show on his outsides, the affects of living WITH the disease show up on your insides.

you can be happy again. but you will have to commit to doing so, and do the hard things, fight thru your resistance, not LET yourself hang on hope.

pravchaw

You cannot change him - you can change yourself. What are you getting from this relationship? Looks like you have come to the conclusion that you need to move on. The best thing you can do is look after yourself.

LoveMeNow

I am sorry NeedingAdvice. I really do understand your pain. It is so hard to realize we have lost someone we love to addiction. It hurts even more when we see the glimmers of hope.

Is there a family member you can stay with? Or there a legal way to keep him out? His behavior sounds very frightening. You and your daughters should never have to live in fear.

jjj111

Needingadvice, you say you are dependent on him, but it sounds like he is not contributing anything? It sounds like he has become genuinely dangerous. I hope you can find a safe way to escape this situation. Hugs!

LoveMeNow

Also, lol.......when I was asked "what are you getting out of this relationship?" I would think to myself - hurt, pain, disappointment, etc.

When I started to learn about my codependency I learned I was getting a lot more out if the relationship then it appeared. I like be needed, I liked pretending to be his savior, and I really liked the days he was so nice and apologetic because I was still allowing him to define my self worth and give me the love I thought I deserved and earned. Somehow, I had truly forgot how to truly love myself.

OneNightAWeek

You sound a lot like me from some of your comments. I wont ever go back to that dark place either !! My husband is in outpatient, working with a doctor, but I have been working on backup plans in case I need them. Im glad to see you are thinking about this, finding work, being able to have a more peaceful life. Im sorry you are afraid. I was too at one point, and finally broke down and told a girlfriend what was going on. I then had a place to go if I needed to leave for the night. Maybe you can do something like this, when we start to realize we have options, it is powerful and has led me to realize the whole world is out there. I want my husband by my side, but I wont live in fear or feel like Im being minimized again by him.

Kindeyes

I stayed until the fear and dread of staying with him was grater than the fear and dread of leaving.

It sounds like you are taking some positive steps to improve your situation but if necessary, don't hesitate to get help. There are transitional shelters to help women who find themselves in difficult situations. You may be amazed at how great of a resource they can be.

Remember...nothing changes if nothing changes.....and he doesn't sound like he's going to change......so that leaves it up to you to change. It is possible to step off this roller coaster any time you are ready.

Take care of you.

gentle hugs
ke

Needingadvice1

Thks for your replies & support.
Anvil head & pravchaw - your words really stuck. It is so hard for me to get help, change & get away. I'm trying to figure out why I am letting someone treat me this way. It's definitely unhealthy.
Lovemenow - I could get a restraining order/avo but I guess I've been holding off for our daughters sake. I tell myself that if I can keep the situation calm until I find somewhere else to move to I can just slip away. It would break my heart & I would worry about him but we can't live like this anymore. I have been doing done reading on codependency and, without a doubt, I have let my happiness be dependent on his behaviour. Over the years, I've helped him with job applications, applying, helped him out of bad situations he got himself into, argued on his behalf when he was in the wrong, etc. and now look where I am. It is hard to break this cycle.
Jjj111 - we are in a house provided by my employer but as I'm on unpaid baby leave I am completely dependent on him for money to live. Only money though. I'm self sufficient in everything else & once I find work I will be ok. He is on workers compensation payments and has been for 15months. He receives a good income monthly & it's a real struggle to get any money off him. I pay rent, food, bills, etc with the money he gives me. The majority he keeps & spends on drugs. He says he can do what he wants with his money.
Onenightaweek - I'm very happy your husband is seeking help. I remember reading your earlier posts. I hope your pregnancy is going well. I did tell a few close girlfriends & my mum when the craziness peaked around 3 months ago and they were amazing. They continued to be supportive when he came back, providing he had sorted himself out and would stay off drugs. Since he's been back on it, I've said nothing. My mum thinks I'm in a rut & need a big change & I'm sure she suspects he's back on drugs but I deny it. I don't know why. I really don't.
Thanks kind eyes - I know I need to get off the roller coaster. It's not good for me & it's not good for my 1yr old or 4yr old. I'm working on it, but pulling my feet a little hoping something might change. As long as I'm here, and he can keep coming & going as he pleases I will be stuck on this scary ride.

jjj111

Needingadvice, maybe you could go stay with your Mom until you figure out how to support yourself? I'm confused about why you don't want to get a restraining order because of your daughter? It sounds like she needs you to protect her from her father.

pravchaw

These are very hard decisions. You should talk to your mom and family and friends and come up with a plan. A social worker may be able to help access community services like welfare depending on where you live. I hope you don't have to live with the chaos of addiction too much longer. God bless.

EJG123

You'll be happy again but it takes time and the healing won't start until you can detach from him. Stay strong.

Needingadvice1

Thks again. I live in a very remote area and a 2.5hr flight from any family. I'm really isolated which makes things a little harder. He knows i have Nowhere to go & will bd here when he decides to come home. I've spent all day trying to detach from him. Cut off thinking when I wonder where he is & what he is doing.
Jjj111 - I don't know why I don't get a restraining order. It seems simple right. I guess that's the reason I'm back to this site. I think I'm just messed up.

LoveMeNow

IMO, telling your Mom or getting a restraining order makes it all too REAL and right now, your reality is just too painful. At least, that is my struggle or has been.

You're in my prayers. Nothing about being in love with an addict is easy.

Needingadvice1

Exactly lovemenow thkyou. I'm not in denial, I'm not trying to protect him I just don't want to deal with it all just yet. its nearly crunch time though. i have to be out of this house in a few months so big things are going to happen regardless of me wanting it or not.

It's hard to contextualise what I'm feeling. Loving an addict, or my addict anyway, really sux.

LoveMeNow

My crunch time is here too. A small part me was still "hoping" for some miracle and he would finally see the light. (My sickness)

Letting go is so painful but I am starting to realize holding on is even harder. I guess I am a slow learner!!

MiSoberbio

LoveMeNow – Your hope was evident in some of your posts before you went back and just as you got there. Like so many of my friends did when I was in the throes of my sickness, I said (almost) nothing, knowing that the time comes only when the time comes. Now, I can see a change in what you write – your anger seems (almost) gone and you're accepting the current reality graciously... while it's saddening to know that your husband continues cycling downwards, it's heartening to me that you are finally breaking out of your orbit around him.


Needingadvice1 – Many of us have been where you're at now, although your circumstances are uniquely your own, so you'll get to where you need to be whenever you decide to go there – it's a simple thing, really, although I know all too well how difficult it is to break free of one's codependence. However, I keep thinking about your children… maybe you grew up in an environment where people routinely did things that you describe your husband as doing, and so it may seem like that's how things are with everyone to a certain extent (so that this is "normal"), but it's NOT "normal". And your children are absorbing far, far much more of this unhealthy situation than you may possibly imagine.

If you've been reading SR for a while and learning about your codependence in other ways, you probably can grasp that your thinking is being affected by the stress, the fear, and the instability all around you. Bluntly put, you may be chemically imbalanced (I certainly was) and therefore keeping yourself and your children in a dangerously toxic environment. If you are already on a path to move away from there, why don't you think about how you can speed up that process, without involving your husband in the issue? As you describe his state, it looks to me like he will always be needing you for your support and willingness to accept his abuse, so I think you need to make all these choices about your future on your own, and not tell him.

While we ultimately have no control over the spinning of the planet, our young children need us to foster healthy, nurturing environments where they can feel safe and stable. In the vast majority of cases that I read about here or heard about in my groups, a parent who is an active addict is one of the most destabilizing and harmful forces that a child can encounter. Your codependent issues are affecting not only your health and happiness, but that of your children, as well.

jjj111

Needingadvice, maybe it would be better to plan "crunch time" on your own terms instead of waiting for disaster to strike when your housing runs out? I have dated an addict, and I remember how hard it was to be honest with people, even my therapist whose job it is to listen to me, because I was embarrassed and ashamed. I'm so glad you've found SR and that you can be honest with others and yourself here.

Maybe your story also strikes a chord with me because when I was a kid, I grew up with a father who was an alcoholic and a rageaholic. It hurts to look back on that and feel like none of the adults in my life protected me.

I want to say with compassion for you and your situation that I am afraid for your safety and your children's safety. Your description of your husband's behavior is very scary. He is not going to be the one to change anything. I hope you will find the strength in yourself to be the change for you and your children. Hugs!

Needingadvice1

LoveMeNow - I wish you the best luck with your 'crunch' time. I hope everything works out for you, I really do. And believe me I am a slow learner! I think everyone here would agree with that lol

Misoberbio & jjj111 - I would like to thankyou for your brutal,honest replies. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about the impact this is all having on my babies. The last few days we have had fun. Lots of park,beach, stories, play dates, etc. this is because my husband is on a drug binge & we haven't seen him in a week. We are broke but we are happy. Once upon I would be miserable when he 'disappeared' but at the moment I feel very calm, even relieved - most of the time. When he decides to show up is another story. This is when I worry about what my babies are atune too. My 4, nearly 5 year old, especially. She is actually quite a handful and I've been wondering how much of this is her personality & how much is due to her circumstances. When he returns & just eats & sleeps & complains I get frustrated & quiet, he sleeps on the couch & is very snappy. He won't answer any of my questions & tells me it is none of my business. He is extremely volatile & can get very angry. Only recently, I've noticed my 4 year old really trying to please her father when he is miserable & really trying to make him be happy, just as I use to do to my father when he went into one of his moods. This worries me.

I spent the day applying for jobs back in the city where I'm from. Hopefully something comes up soon & we will be moving. I love it here near the beach but it is no longer a happy place & that breaks my heart. He sent me a message today saying he would send me some money & he loves & misses me. Please. He hasn't sent any money & he is only 20mins away & is there by choice.

BeautifulDisatr

I wish I could just reach out and give you a hug, maybe that is because I need one too. Thank you for sharing and reminding me, we are not alone in our struggles, in our quiet piercing hell.

((((HUGS))))