Feeling Frustrated & Sad:(

Old 10-11-2013, 07:37 PM
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Feeling Frustrated & Sad:(

Well, my 23 year old AS, went through IOP for heroin addiction a few months ago and successfully completed the program. He relapsed a few weeks ago, and we talked about it. He continued to go to his doctor and take his Suboxone and also see his therapist. His moods have been up and down and then depression sets in. Overall, I thought we were making progress even with the relapse set back. Last Saturday, he got really mad because his sister kicked one of his friends out of their place. She came home from work and two of his friends were sitting out in the porch. She told them they could not hang out if her brother was not home. Apparently, this friend's father died or there were family issues and just wanted someone to talk to. My daughter didn't feel comfortable just letting them be there, so she told them to leave. I had to agree with her because they are not her friends, and I don't feel that we can solve everyone's problems because we have enough with just his issues (don't want people just coming over). How can my own son help anyone if he has his of struggles to deal with; he finds it hard not to let other peoples troubles become his own (he does have a big heart). Well, he got mad and said that was very cold thing to do. He was so mad at his sister (they are roommates). I just told him he had to respect her because if she feels uncomfortable she needs to speak up. She doesn't bring over anybody and doesn't try to make him uncomfortable. He took it as if I was on her side and decided it was best if we didn't talk. I explained to him that I was not taking sides but that it is her home and I was not going to have her be uncomfortable in her own home (they live in a condo we own - roommates). I advised him that if he did not like the rules that he was welcome to leave. Then he stated that he would have to get a job and get his own place. I said ok. Well, he has not talked to me or her in a week. I feel sad and worried that his sobriety will completely go out the window but still hopeful. I'm not sure if he did go to his doctor's appointment this week but decided that I would not call him to follow up on any of it because either he will want to be sober for himself or not. I did send him a text message a few days ago telling him that no matter our differences, I love him very much. I also sent him another text message a few minutes ago to let him know that I love him and that I hope he is doing well and is safe. I don't think there is anything else I can do.
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Old 10-11-2013, 07:59 PM
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I believe in treating our young adults as adults...not kids. His sister was right.

His sobriety is his own. No one need to walk on eggshells....

I know how hard it is....
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Old 10-12-2013, 05:25 AM
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I used to get in the middle of the relationships between my son and my daughter, my son and my husband, my son and just about anyone. And I would get the brunt end of everyone's anger and frustration. Why? I was only trying to help. Right? No.....I was expressing opinions where none was needed or welcomed. I was making judgements were none were appropriate. I was providing answers when questions weren't asked. I was taking sides when the battle didn't belong to me. I was trying to regulate their relationships.

Sometimes all we need to do is listen without comment. And that's hard to do for a mother. Sometimes we feel like they are coming to us for answers yet they don't really ask any questions.....but we give them answers anyway.

It has taken me a very long time to realize that I was still trying to mother and regulate adults......and it took me a long time to stop offering my opinion and simply answer with "I'm sure you'll figure it out." or "I see." or "I'm sorry to hear that." Particularly when no specific question was asked.

I still step into that dog pile on occasion but not like I used to. Once I discovered that my life got easier when I wasn't trying to regulate others AND the bonus was that I couldn't be blamed for a poor outcome or for taking sides. It was liberating.

gentle hugs
ke
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Old 10-12-2013, 06:35 AM
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Ann
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Then he stated that he would have to get a job and get his own place. I said ok. Well, he has not talked to me or her in a week.
You were right to say this...regardless of how he responded. His response shows a lack of respect or appreciation for what you do, so maybe stop doing anything for him and let him find his own way with his own rules. It's your condo, you get to call the shots.

His sister was right too. As a woman, I would be frightened to come home and find people I didn't know or people I didn't care for sitting on my step. I would have asked them to leave too...regardless of why they were there. They could have called first.

My son is my addicted loved one and if there's one thing I have learned in recovery it is that I don't have to lower my bar of values and personal safety, I don't have to walk on eggshells and fear sending him into a relapse...he can and has done that all by himself even at the best of times.

You're doing just fine. Trust your recovery and trust the process.

Hugs from another mama's heart.
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Old 10-12-2013, 02:32 PM
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Thank you Kindeyes and Ann for your advice and support. I am slowly learning to let go. I'm tired of feeling responsible for everyone's happiness all the time. I want to be happy too, and I realize that isn't possible all of the time but I am doing my best every day to be a good person and be supportive to all my children as long as they are dong what they are supposed to be doing.

Thank you!
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