Des1163

Hi all, I posted a few days ago about trying to let go of an alcoholic partner who I had been with for 6 months. It was turning very nasty, mostly due to my nasty text msgs, which I'm not proud of, but when the person that you love and you think loves you comes home after yet another drinking binge and spits in your face, totally unprovoked, it has a tendency to turn you into some kind of psycho! Anyway, he started texting me and I gave him the chance to come over and talk to me. He showed up last night, you guessed it, beer in hand, drunk. I let him have his say, I didn't say too much cause it's pointless saying anything to someone who is intoxicated. All he did was blame me for things i had done or said during the relationship, and of course, the text msgs i had sent. Anyway, that put a whole heap of doubts iny mind again. He was supposed to come round again tonight, rang me much after the time he was meant to be here saying he still had some jobs to do and wouldn't be here till later. I knew he had been drinking, by the way he was talking. He rang again later and said he wouldn't be here at all, so I decided then and there to end it for good. I felt he was only playing mind games with me anyway, getting back at me for the text messages. I was very nice, just said we were on different pages, wanted diifferent things etc. I told him I still loved him, apologized again for the text messages and said if he ever seriously decided to get help, I would do what I could to help him, but at this point in time, I couldn't compete with his alcohol addiction. He actually agreed with me that we were on different pages and wanted different things. I thought it went too easily, then I got a text from him. Saying f... u, u were only using me (not quite sure how, even though he did help out with rent, bills etc, his choice) and he threatened to do something to my daughters car that is being stored at his parents place ( where he is living of course) I just answered saying that I was sorry he felt that way, I still loved him and said he should know he would get into trouble if he did anything to the car and I was sure he didn't want that. Again I offered to support him if he decided he needed help, said what a shame it is that he is like that cause he's a decent, caring, loving person without the alcohol, which he is. Anyway as sad as it is, I feel empowered that I had the strength to end it cause I knew it wouldn't get any better (I previously put up with a drunk for 14 months and nothing changed). I also feel a sense if relief. I was missing him so badly, but even that is easing now because these past couple of nights showed me what a nasty, vindictive person he can be and not even having the decency to come and talk to me sober, then lie to me yet again about how much he had had to drink, actually saying he hadn't had anything apart from the beer he had here. I may be silly, but not quite that silly! I imagine there will still he some down days ahead, but at least I will eventually heal, unlike what would happen if I went back to him. I guess I just need some support just now.

butterfly2013

Short term pain for long term gain! I completely relate to your situation, Des. I was with my XABF (who is also the father of my three year old) on-and-off for five years. Each time we broke up, I vowed to never get back together with him, but I always did. Finally, his alcoholism and erratic behavior was just so completely out of control and I finally left him for good. It was really, really hard, and I was so heartbroken that our little family was destroyed---even though in hindsight, this was just a fantasy I created in my mind. The reality was, his alcoholism and partying lifestyle was much more important to him than our son, which is how I ended up with full custody and he was only given supervised weekend visitation.

Now, I am focusing on ME. All those years I was with him, I was focused on HIM and his craziness and instability. Since the breakup, I sought counseling and SR and Al-Anon literature. Slowly, I am taking control of my life again and refusing to give up my power to anyone or anything, especially alcoholism because alcoholism will win every. single. time. Now I live life on my own terms. It is scary and exhilarating and joyous, but I am finally *doing me* and trying to make the best life for my son and I.

Just remember that you will be okay, even better than okay. Take comfort in the fact your HP provides incredible amounts of miracles/love/support. Every day. Always. Even when the path looks uncertain and the pain seems to be too much.

Be good to yourself and take care. We are in this together.

Tuffgirl

I am sorry it turned out this way, but not surprised.

Have you ever read Under the Influence? It is really helpful in putting behaviors into context when dealing with an alcoholic. He simply can't deal with you rationally, because he is not rational. And just not drinking while he is having a talk with you is not him being sober. If he drinks a lot, he is never sober. He's either intoxicated or hung over. So bottom line is he can't be "decent".

Until he decides to get completely sober and work a solid recovery program, he isn't relationship material, for you or anyone.

Hope you go 'no contact' and can find some peace for yourself and your family.
~T

forworse

Awesome job! Congratulations! Better to cut him off now and find someone that really cares than to stick around for years of suffering. You made a great decision for your future.

Mountainmanbob

sometimes it is just the best to split up

as we chose two different paths to follow

it was a nice jester that you offered to help him (if he becomes willing)

(if) that's a big word -- a qualifier

Mountainmanbob