butterfly2013

Hey everyone,

I'm still reeling from my XABF's explosive reactions to my custody request and alcohol testing. Someone in my other thread referred to his reactions as "quaking." And it really CLICKED!

I had a general question though. Those of us in Al-Anon and counseling understand the nature of alcoholism, i.e. you didn't cause, it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. However, how do you deal with well-meaning family members who say, "Well, at least it seems like he cut back?"

Personally, I don't waste energy explaining to a well-meaning friend why alcoholics cannot drink in moderation although I admit it is a bit annoying when others don't get the true nature of the beast that is alcoholism and that, if left untreated, is progressive over time.

How do you handle this with well meaning family and friends? Thoughts?

Fathom

Hi Butterfly. If I cared about this family or friend in my life, I would try to explain my position. It doesn't need to be long-winded. I would start by acknowledging that I believed at one point that cutting back would be acceptable, but that the more I learned about alcoholism, the more I realized that it wouldn't be an acceptable solution in this case. Then, if they want to learn more about alcoholism too, I would recommend some readings to them. Otherwise, I would change the subject and not bring it up with them again.

Some friends don't need to understand in order to be supportive, some friends are willing to learn, and some friends just are not ready to understand. That's okay, as long as you can accept who they are, and find the friends best suited to the situation.

Peace,
Fathom

CarryOn

I've found that most people have no real understanding of what alcoholism is so they have no real concept about what I am going through. I tend to tailor my conversations & interactions to the level of support and interest they seem to have in the situation. My mom has been to a few counseling appointments with me and read a few books on the topic to better understand. A close friend is a social worker & has a BIL that is a RA, so she really gets it and is good to talk with. Others "get it" to varying degrees, and I've learned to give them what they can handle - I'm always honest about things though. I don't want people to be surprised by what is happening with RAH and I. And there are some people that I just don't discuss it with.

LightInside

Thanks for posing the question, Butterfly. I am in a similar situation to you, asking for supervised visits and chemical dependency evaluation. I am dealing with my ex's enabler mother. He its totally lying to his family about his drinking/pot smoking and he is SUCH a great daddy in front of them, of course. Ex's mom had been very loving and supportive through this breakup, but is very upset with my decision to take this step. This is a woman who watched her oldest son die at the age of 39 due to complications of Hep C that he contracted through IV drug use. To that family, my ex's problem must look so miniscule compared to his brother's. Basically I'm trying to say that they believe my ex's lies more than I did. I guess I'm realizing that I probably can't talk about this issue with his family. I want them in my son's life, but they are very in denial and continue to enable. My ex is going to make me look like the vindictive bad guy and try to downplay his problem and they are either going to continue believing him or not. I would love to get MIL to go to Al anon, but like an A, she has to want recovery.

His mom its saying what he says, "not drinking, because it's court ordered." Okay, maybe he's dry right now, but a) I've heard him say he's quit or cutting back for at least 5 years and he had this problem way before he and I got together; b) he never goes longer than 3-5 weeks without drinking; c)something is wrong when a court order stops him from drinking, but not 5 years of requesting, nagging, ultimatums from his life partner, nor the birth of his child can stop him from drinking; and d) I've seen wine in his car and smelled alcohol on his breath since his arrest in August. I know this guy's patterns too well.

Okay. Done complaining. I like the advice you've been given. My ex's mom knows I go to Al anon, knows it helps me, but she doesn't seem to think she would benefit from it. I have to let that go. It's pretty easy to do compared to admitting that I'm powerless over alcohol and my ex.

thislonelygirl

I avoid explaining things to family and friends but if must be I tell them and then leave the rest..
What thry think is their problem. If they kniw better I would sure like to see if they can do better..

LightInside

If there is a codie version of quacking, I think I just did it. Let's say I've been squawking.

Wisconsin

We all have particulars about our situations that we are grateful for. I am very, very grateful that EVERYBODY in my family AND my AH's family is very aware of how bad it is, how serious it is, and how sick my AH is. That doesn't necessarily mean that they have the capacity to provide me with a lot of emotional support (they all have their own issues), but I have always been grateful that unlike many people here, I don't have to battle a bunch of family members in denial, too. ((hugs)) and good luck!

butterfly2013

Thank you for these responses!!! By reading your experiences and thinking through them, I have realized that this is a boundary issue for me and that's why it has been bothering me so much. In other words, I already know which family and friends don't understand the nature of alcoholism (especially in relationship to my ex and how it relates to custody for my toddler), so why do I keep expecting them to magically change their minds? It is a form of "going to the hardware store for bread." I can get some emotional support from these well-meaning family and friends, and leave the rest. WHEW! Who knew how exhausting it was to have codie-tendencies?? On the other hand, I feel much lighter/freer now

marie1960

Those well meaning friends/acquaintances, simply may be living NORMAL lives and have never had to deal with this horrible disease.

Until I experienced life with an active alcoholic I too remained clueless.

If you choose to share details with your intimate circle that is fine, but prepare yourself, you may be disappointed in their initial reaction. Two of my closest friends WTF'd me, actually making me feel worse ( and this was after I ended the relationship) The bottom line, if you haven't lived it, you just don't understand it.

You really don't have to explain anything to anyone, a simple thank you for your kind thoughts/words and let it go............

You really have bigger fish to fry..........

Hugs!!!

NWGRITS

I always tell people that I appreciate their input, but my knowledge of alcoholism outweighs their opinions. Then I will usually suggest they educate themselves on the disease, because knowledge is never a bad thing.