jessicajoe

We're going on vacation tomorrow and I still have lots to do. I don't normally physically pack for my A but I do work hard at getting him "organised" ("have you packed your phone charger?" "is all your laundry done? "etc.) This time I've been thinking lots about codependency and have left him to get on with it.
I haven't suggested he pack and he hasn't done a thing about packing. he is still asleep and has to leave for work in 30 minutes. There is very little chance he will do anything when he gets home at midnight so tomorrow morning will be fun!

Part of me wonders if I am taking this over the top. I'm sure in some "normal" relationships someone might offer a disorganized partner support with something like packing.

I dunno ?

AnvilheadII

if in the past you have always directed and guided him, then at least tell him THIS TIME he is on his own to pack. he can't read your mind. he's used to you behaving in a certain way.

jessicajoe

That's a really good point anvilhead thank you

BlueSkies1

Sometimes we do things in life for others simply for our own selfish reasons.

This may be one of them if he is going to make you miserable on vacation if he forgets his charger.

I want you to enjoy your vacation!

So cover for him just enough so that it doesn't come back to bite you. Tell him to pack for himself, but also cover your own back...as in you don't want to listen to whining, or needing to borrow your phone constantly during the trip, especially if you're leaving the country and his kind of cell phone chargers are not easily found.

My AH is more organized than I am.
He makes sure there is motrin in the house, and chocolate. He tells me he does it for his own selfish reasons every month. He calls it "self-preservation" telling me he wants to live to see another month...! I'm being funny here, but you get the point.

Recovering2

If you don't normally physically pack for him, then don't do it this time. My RABF is terrible at organizing for trips, and I do not pack for him. I'll remind him "don't forget your cell charger", "don't forget your pasport", etc. I've learned when he does forget things (and he always does) it's not my problem so I don't worry about it.

I'd make sure the absolute essentials, ie passports are not forgotten so as to not ruin the trip.

Have a great trip!!!

AnvilheadII

just for some levity...one time hank and I flew back to Wisconsin and I, the organizer, after hank had put out all he wanted to take, packed both our suitcases (very neatly I might add!), and when we got to Wisconsin, settling into the hotel room I realized I had forgotten something....

MY OWN DAMN UNDERWEAR!!! sigh.

anona

I'd do whatever you normally do, unless you've warned him otherwise, because I would not want my one vacation ruined by his poor foresight!

My AH also has ADHD and is not very organized (especially if he skips his meds) so I have always tended to do a lot of directing/suggesting. What we have found to work recently in this kind of situation is for me to write a list of the things I need him to do before we leave (which includes reminders of certain things to pack). Then I hand him the list & try not to say another word about it -- no nagging, no doing it for him, etc. Right now this is a good balance for us, between me totally taking over or just leaving him to fend for himself (which ultimately punishes me too indirectly!) I don't have to put any "work" into it once I've made the initial list, and he doesn't have to listen to me ask again & again if he remembered his charger!

Florence

I'm the responsible one and somehow on every camping trip I've ever taken, I've forgotten blankets and pillows. Every time! If that's enough to ruin my camping trip, I have more problems than I know what to do with.

Let him know he's responsible for himself this time, then detach and keep a good attitude.

jessicajoe

Thank you all. I agree that because I haven't warned him (this time) its a bit unfair so in the spirit of compromise I am going to leave him a letter/list for when he gets home tonight reminding him to pack and including some "suggestions" (thank you anona). what he does then is up to him.

lillamy

I packed for AXH once in a situation where he was very stressed.
It was a combined vacation/work trip where he was doing a fancy schmanzy interview. And I packed the wrong pants.
I never heard the end of it. It was all because I packed the wrong pants that he didn't get the job.