How Far to Go?

Old 10-10-2013, 08:06 AM
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How Far to Go?

After finding that my husband had been sneaking around and drinking for a few days, I realized that I needed to back off and stop enabling him. I told him he's got to deal with all the legal stuff resulting from his DUI, figuring out how he's going to get to and from work and the DMV after he loses his license, etc. I also have told him that I don't know if I want to stay in this relationship anymore, but I need to have some time to think things through.

Since then, I've barely been speaking to him. He's really remorseful, and has told me that he's looking forward to going to the classes that he's mandated to take. He's also been looking for a counselor that he can see to hopefully figure out what's going on. He has not been drinking. I can absolutely tell that he's sober, and he's telling me that he's so very sorry for what he's done.

My question: Do I keep on ignoring him and giving him the cold shoulder? We have two kids and I am trying to minimize the tension in the house. How kind do I have to be? I'm afraid to let my guard down, for obvious reasons, but it would be nice to go out for a family dinner sometime or to the kids' performances without a lot of silence and hostility (on my part).
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Old 10-10-2013, 08:14 AM
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You don't have to give him the cold shoulder and ignore him in order to detach. Hostility isn't detachment, it's just hostility.

Refusing to do for him what he is able to do for himself and not allowing yourself to get drawn into his drama is detachment. Detachment can be kind.
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Old 10-10-2013, 08:16 AM
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Hmmm...seems like there are two issues here. The first has to do with whether your reaction to him right now is "reasonable" or "acceptable," and the second has to do with whether your AH is really remorseful, etc. I imagine the two issues are intertwined, and that you might feel like you should be nicer to him if he is really remorseful.

My experience has taught me to separate those issues. Whenever my AH acts remorseful, I'm sure he IS remorseful in that moment. But the remorse isn't lasting, and it doesn't do anything to actually change his behavior. I try very hard to detach from those short-term remorse episodes. Long-lasting actual behavioral changes are what matter.

As far as your reaction to him, I say do whatever preserves your serenity the most. If you are afraid that interacting too much with him will cause you to blow up at him, and you want more time and emotional distance to work through your feelings, then you absolutely, positively have that right, regardless of how "remorseful" he is. If you are avoiding him and "punishing" him because you think it will somehow drive home your feelings and make him change...then you might want to take a hard look at your actions. I can be very cold and distant from my AH. I have to check my motives a lot, because there are times when I do it to punish him, not to protect myself. And yes...with kids, you DO want to limit the household tension as best you can, but not at the expense of your serenity.
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Old 10-10-2013, 08:17 AM
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Celticgirl, boundaries like you gave him are not to punish him---but, to detangle you. Giving him the cold, silent treatment won't accomplish anything, in my opinion.

I'm guessing that his "making nice" is so that you will return to the old status-quo. Maybe he is sorry, right now--but sorry isn't enough to make changes. It takes sustained action to make changes.

You might communicate to him that you no longer listen to words--you look for actions.

"Say what you mean; mean what you say; but, don't say it mean."

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Old 10-10-2013, 08:17 AM
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There's a difference between detachment and the silent treatment.

Detachment says we dis-engage from the drama, the conflict, the mess, the unfulfilled promises, the expectations that come with living with addiction. It is a means of keeping our serenity under very difficult circumstances.

The silent treatment is a punishment for bad behavior. You mis-behaved and now I am ignoring you. I understand that, and there were times when I was so emotional about stuff that it was the only tool in my possession. But there aren't any rules for it. You will let go of that when you are ready, and maybe you aren't, that's okay.

You can have a family dinner and still remain detached. Going out to dinner doesn't have to mean everything is okay. You are responsible for the silence and hostility, and only you can decide when that is enough.
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Old 10-10-2013, 08:24 AM
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Thank you! I guess I'm still angry about all the crap that happened last week. I am happy he's taking the initiative about getting his act together, but as I said, I've been down this road before.

How long do I give him? When and how do you know whether someone is sincere and actually making progress? What is the difference between falling off the wagon periodically and saying screw you, I'm not going to quit drinking?
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Old 10-10-2013, 08:29 AM
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CG, you have every right to be angry! Part of recovery is accepting your anger, processing it, working through it, learning from it, etc. I know you are facing the dual recovery of your own alcohol issues and your co-dependency with your AH. I'm sure some of our group's other double winners have more thoughts on that subject, but it would seem to me that having dual recoveries ahead of you makes it even more important that you keep your focus on yourself as much as possible.

As for your questions, they really are so personal to you. We have members who lived with the relapse cycle (or just a general refusal to work for sobriety) for dozens of years, and others who throw up their hands after a matter of months. I have read that AA puts a fairly big focus on maintaining meaningful recovery/sobriety for a year. That doesn't mean that a year of consistent sobriety and working a recovery program is the bright line test that would apply to you. It's really about how you feel. How YOU feel. Not how he feels. How able are you to detach from him and his behaviors while still living together? We have members who are very, very good at it, and can remain married to an active addict. Many of us just cannot really get away from it, and need to leave in order to truly detach. Maybe consider spending some time thinking through exactly what your boundaries are, what is acceptable and unacceptable to you, for your own mental health (and not as an effort to punish or control or change your AH). That might shed some light on your questions...
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Old 10-10-2013, 12:01 PM
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There's words....and actions. So far he's talking about the mandated classes and getting a counselor...but he hasn't done either yet. Talk...not action. He's not drinking in the moment, but it's early on that one so I wouldn't put a lot of weight on it.

You can remain detached from all of this, and still be a nice person. Letting him handle his legal issues, find a way to get to work, etc are all great boundaries. He will experience the consequences of his actions. He will get the message that you're done enabling him. This doesn't have to be a huge announcement, your own actions will send the message. But you don't have to give him the cold shoulder to accomplish this. You were upset by his drinking...you set boundaries...now let it go. Anger helped you make the decision, so there was a purpose for the emotion. Stick with your boundaries, and try to be peaceful.
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